My anxiety about all this is unbearable. In need of support.

Old 09-22-2012, 01:23 PM
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My anxiety about all this is unbearable. In need of support.

Hey everyone! To all those who don't know my story. My brother is the addict. 2 months ago is when he relapsed and it got bad. He was abusing prescription pills and we have gotten into a lot of arguments with him, which resulted to threats a few times and a physical fight. To make a long story short, police was called and a report with a statement was given. My brother is on probation and has court every month to check his progress. He is currently living with my parents and other other sibling, while I am living with my husband.

When the fight happened, my husband and I decided to leave. (We were living with my family for a few months). I haven't seen any of them since. My brother has not been abusing his pills ever since, but has not quit. He just takes them in a lesser amount now. He also suffers from psychiatric disorders including bipolar. This post is more to ask of how I can help myself because i know i cannot help others fix themselves, but this whole situation is really weighing heavy on me. Sorry if this is long but I don't know where else to turn.

I am currently not working and honestly do not have friends that I can really talk to about all this. We also do not have any family that lives near. I have my amazing husband who I love but he has a lot on his plate with work now and everything, and I don't want to constantly talk about this to him. I find myself at home alone all day and constantly worrying about myself and my family. I feel like we are in such a crappy situation that sometimes I feel like we must have been cursed because this feels like a never ending torture. I also have anxiety and it doesn't take much for me to become fearful and paranoid about bad things happening.


I have talked to my brother on the phone numerous times and it has been pretty emotional We have been best friends forever, have went through so much together and i love him so so much. I could not believe how he was behaving those 2 weeks a month ago before I left. I know people say "pills are not to blame" but they ARE. I saw someone i love so dearly turn into something else...and although he is better now (goes to his program and attends therapy, although had not 100% quit his xanax) I feel like I am traumatized by the events. I have developed weird feelings of being around my family. When they call I get anxiety and always feel worse, even if we have the best convo ever. I want the legal issues with my brother to be solved and I want my family to be normal again.

I don't know when all this crap (legal issues, mental issues, substance abuse issues, anxiety, unemployment(for me) etc) will end. It feels like it is draggggggiiiiingg and when I try to make things better, I just make a bigger mess. I am young and just graduated college, and have always been so close to my family. I know to some people it may seem weird that a sibling's addiction can affect the other sibling so negatively but it is really painful for me. Can someone please help me? I don't know what to do about my anxieties, to feel better...etc. Thank you so much for reading.
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Old 09-22-2012, 01:33 PM
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Not sure if I can offer any advice other than the fact I completely understand how you feel. My AS also has those very same problem and unfortunatly I can only say brace yourself its going to be a long ride. The legal system seems to drag things out at there own speed and addiction seems to be a battle within for life. The only thing I could adivise you to remember is that it is his issues and not yours. You need to remember his problems are a result of his choices because if it was up to us, those that love them none of this would be happening. Good luck to you I hope you find the support you need on the board there are some great people on here
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Old 09-22-2012, 01:58 PM
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Hello. I am sorry that you are going through this. If there is a way that you cam step back from the situation then I think you should. Have you seen your doctor about this anxiety of yours? That is one thing that you can do to take care of you.
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Old 09-22-2012, 02:14 PM
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Thank you! Well, I have been up and down about all this. When things seem to be going well, I feel good. Anyway, I had met up with his lawyer and discussed a plan to get my brother into a mental hospital for his issues. I discussed that with my brother and he doesn't want to do it. I won't ask for legal advice on here but basically his lawyer wants to handle things in a completely different way than my brother does. I let my brother know about where he stands legally (including the police report from the night the fight happened). Right now I am just very concerned about the legal aspect of it all. His attorney is also really busy and court is in a few days. I just feel overwhelmed. If I could speak with his lawyer prior to court I would feel better, otherwise it will be a mess. Preferably, I would want my brother to go to a behavioral health facility for a couple of months, and as far as the police report, I am clueless as to what is going on because charges have not been pressed but I dont know for sure whether they will or not, and I wish there wouldn't be any charges against him. Basically I have no answers about anything and I just feel like my life is being put on HOLD because of all this.
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Old 09-22-2012, 02:17 PM
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Hello Beautiful, I am so understanding the pain and anxiety you are feeling. I have felt the same way for the last two years with an escalating heroin addict son , death of my Mom from lung cancer, near divorce after 23 years of marriage and now my son facing prison. Life is not a bowl of cherries, and it is very hard to accept uncomfortable and scary situations. BUT, times also get better. I would recommend you look for an alanon meeting nearby so you can share how you feel. Just know, everyone on this board understands and cares!
Hugs and be thankful for the people in your life, even if they aren't exactly where or who you expect them to be!
Teresa
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Old 09-22-2012, 05:33 PM
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Welcome, and I also understand your fear of what-might-happen-next, and this is such a common component of being part of a family with addiction. It is the dread, the feeling that crisis is just around the corner and good days cannot be trusted nor enjoyed. It is very common among family members of addicts. But you are quite young, not many years of adult life experience, so you are meeting this without decades of maturing behind you. It is very hard for you, so young.

The Hazelden (rehab center) website--www.hazelden.com-- has a bookstore and it sells daily readers for families of addicts which are meant to help us "let go and let God." One reading for every day of the year.

"God" in the 12-Step recovery programs will be the God of your understanding, not necessarily religious if that does not fit, perhaps simply the Great Spirit of the Universe, or the Source of all Life, or just the Mind behind the Order in the world. Whatever God means to you is what the 12-step programs mean when "God" is used. It is our acknowledgment that we do not control the universe, nor any person's destiny, nor the ultimate outcome of any event. But that we accept and have faith that there is a profound and loving Spirit available to all of us in our times of confusion, pain and fear which can hold us and guide us when we reach out for help.

You might take a look at the Hazelden bookstore and see if any titles or readers there might help you. I especially have been helped by a book published through Hazelden titled "The Addictive Personality" by Craig Nakken which is a slender book about the progression of addiction and the possibility for sobriety and a meaningful life for the addict. It helped me understand the addict's compulsion and obsession and also helped me accept my powerlessness to be able to control his behaviors, his crises, or his fate. But it does offer hope for all addicts and their loved ones. It describes as well what happens to families of addiction, the fear, the shame, the guilt, which can be crippling to the spirit.

A popular daily reader among family members of addicts is "Courage to Change" also sold through the Hazelden site, I think.

Sometimes when I have been seized by fear of what might happen next with a loved one in crisis, I have envisioned that each of us, on arrival to this physical world from the spiritual plane, has a notebook which contains in it all the experiences and lessons intended for each of us. No one can experience nor learn my lessons in my notebook. Nor can I have any influence on the experiences and lessons fated for anyone else, already set down in his or her notebook. Each notebook contains an individual Plan for the soul development of each of us, and we cannot intervene nor re-write anyone's lessons, for those have been determined by a power greater than ourselves for a higher purpose we cannot know.

The core of our recovery is letting go. And that will be your growth in this life you share with your addict brother and your anguished family.

Your responsibility is to bloom. To be fully and beautifully who you are, to be loved and respected by those with whom you share your intimate world. And to let go of all the entanglements which could bind you to the choices and consequences of others, entanglements which are none of your responsibility.

Here we also often recommend "Codependent No More" or any of the books by Melody Beattie, and those, too, are on the Hazelden site.

We are glad you found SR and hope you find help here and where you are there.

You can find a local Al-Anon meeting for families of alcoholics and addicts by googling Al-Anon and the name of your state.

Hoping you reach out for help, so the anxiety calms. Try not to go this alone.
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Old 09-22-2012, 09:49 PM
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You are all wonderful people for all the love and support you share! It is just very hard especially for someone who already suffers from anxiety. It always feels like tragedy could happen and your body tries everything to stop it.
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Old 09-23-2012, 12:13 AM
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One lesson many people in recovery have experienced is that out of crisis often comes some good thing waiting to be born. Certainly regarding the addict, the Al-Anon program advises loved ones not to try to prevent the crises that the addict will experience, for it is in a state of crisis that addicts finally turn toward a genuine commitment to recovery. We are advised not to create crisis, but also not to try to prevent it. Because crisis can actually save an addict's life, though at the time the crisis is quite difficult for all involved. But there is hope inside it.

I think the physical fight you described must have been very deeply upsetting to you--as it would for any of us here, and many of us here have experienced physical aggression as an outcome of addiction in our homes. I know that for myself, many years ago I was married to a severe alcoholic-- a charming English professor by day and unfortunately a very dark drunk by night--and one night he assaulted me, and I never expected that. I left him within two weeks of that incident, but I had to see a doctor for episodes of tachycardia--racing heart--which would come over me out of the blue. This lasted for about four months after the incident, if I remember correctly.

And I think that if as children we experienced any kind of incidents like these, such episodes in our adult life trigger the buried trauma of the past and we are especially vulnerable to lingering anxiety.

We don't give medical advice here, but do encourage members to see a doctor for anxiety if it is interfering with daily life and goals and relationships. If addiction is in the family, it is best we avoid any medications with addictive potential (genetics), and some medications for anxiety are most definitely addictive. But there are mild antidepressants which have no narcotic effects which can be safely taken and some of those treat anxiety which is often an outcome of depression. If you find yourself jumpy and teary and unable to enjoy your life with your husband and this does not abate, please do see a doctor. Good medical care makes a big difference.

Your brother's solution is not with you. Take yourself out of the picture when it comes to his addiction. His help is to be found with other recovering addicts working strong programs and with doctors who understand addictive disease. If he calls you in distress, you can let him know you love him, but do urge him to attend a meeting, to call a sponsor, or if he is in a state of medical crisis, then call 911. But you are not the person he should be calling when he needs support in his recovery. You are not qualified.

We have links to good information under the Sticky headings on the opening forum page. I hope something there will also be of help to you.

Please do know that what you are feeling and thinking are very much related to addiction in your family and well-understood by all of us here. We also know that it will get better. Reach out for help and it will get better.
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Old 09-23-2012, 05:13 AM
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Originally Posted by Beautifulsoul View Post
Basically I have no answers about anything and I just feel like my life is being put on HOLD because of all this.
What about the overall situation do you control?
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Old 09-23-2012, 07:02 AM
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Dear Beautifulsoul:

I am sorry that you are experiencing so much anxiety over your brother's situation.

In the past, I have been in similar situations regarding members of my family. Therapy, reading, 12-step work, and participating in groups like SR helped me. I didn't start addressing these issues until I was in my late 30s, so kudos to you for reaching out for help at such a young age!

My father was an alcoholic and my entire family was extremely dysfunctional. I found that in order for ME to get healthy, I had to disengage from our dysfunctional family system. I still loved and cared about them, but I decided that I didn't want to contribute to the dysfunction any more.

After a couple of years of working on myself, I was emotionally stronger and able to interact with them again in a healthier manner. Although I still find a need to limit our time together because I'm still at risk of getting pulled into the chaos.

I focus on me and creating the best life that I can for my immediate family. I'm married and we have two children.

Life becomes so much less stressful when you let others be in control of their own lives!

Best Wishes,

db
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Old 09-23-2012, 07:14 AM
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BeautifulSoul....I can relate to the love you feel for your sibling. My brother is also an addict. It has taken great effort on my part to detach with love in order to save my own sanity, and maintain the welfare of my husband and daughter. It sounds as though you have a great deal of idle time on your hands right now. It allows too much time for your mind to wander. I would second the suggestion that you try to find some way to fill your days, either with a job or a volunteer opportunity. I would also suggest that you think about detaching from your family for a while, at least talk to them less frequently. This may help put some distance between you and the situation. Unfortunately, you have to remember that you cannot control your brother or the choices he is making. Your comment about contacting a lawyer tells me that you are still trying to control what happens to him. No judgement from me, as I have done similar things, but I finally realized that I was trying to control a situation where I really had NO control. It won't be easy, but it will do your husband and your family no good if you destroy yourself in all the chaos that addiction brings. Take care of you!
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Old 09-23-2012, 08:13 AM
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I agree with SSHope... You need to concentrate on you, and you need to make your life as busy, and as family-drama-free as possible. Not only do you have no control over the situation, ultimately, you have no right to try. Your brother's life is his to live as he wishes. Likewise, your parents have the same right. Everything you do before your brother is ready to get help (on his own) is a waste of your energy. And the constant rollercoaster of getting your hopes up, and being let down will destroy your relationship. Same story with your parents.

My parents cannot detach from my addicted sister in a healthy way. I can see now my sister's drama has become my mother's reason for living. I'm not sure what would become of either of them if they stopped feeding each other's illnesses. I had to let go of them both for a time. I still have no contact with my sister, and can't until I know she's been clean for a couple of years. I am fully aware that that may never happen and I accept it.

You are fresh out of school, husband, no addictions, your entire life is ahead of you. It may feel like you are abandoning your family. But it's worth it to make yourself strong, to really be there for them in a healthy way when you are ready to do so.
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