tjp613

Test her anyway and make counseling a condition of living in your home. That's my $0.02.

I"m glad to hear she seems to be doing ok. Having her home is a big relief, but it's time to work on boundaries for all of you! Let us know how it goes.

crazybabie

If she is using and agreed to a drug test the pills do not stay in the system long so you still may not know anything. Drug testing is usually not recommended however if your going to anyways can you do the hair test?

madkarma

I haven't done the drug test yet. I guess I could do the hair test, but what is it? Do I take her somewhere for it? She seems good so far. I hope I was just really wrong. I'm finding it hard to just not lecture her about her newfound habit of smoking cigarettes, which if that is all she is doing then it's not so back but I don't know. Some say to test, some say not to test. I'm just not sure.

sojourner

The hair test is going to be expensive. I guess call a local lab and ask them.

As far as the drug testing, I did try that a couple of times when my AS lived with me. It got pretty darn expensive pretty quick. And besides, which drug do I test for today? Cocaine? Marijuana? It's a big guessing game. It was embarrassing to be in that position - for him and for me. I decided I was not his probation officer or his drug rehab counselor. I decided to just look at his behavior and make my rules based on that.

PS If your daughter did not smoke before and did not hang around with people who smoked, then her smoking now is a BIG red flag for drug use. Cigarettes are a gateway "drug" to the real thing.

You are on a journey. You do not have to have the perfect, exact answers every time you do something. Go down this path of drug testing if it seems an option for your situation now. You can always change your mind about it and then change your mind back about it. Life is a journey, and this is a BIG journey to figure out.

gahope88

I am a recovered addict, and here are my two cents. Whenever my parents confronted me about my use I would always agree to a test (a pee test) if I was pretty certain that my DOC (drug of choice) was coke was out of my system. Coke and opiates get out of your system for pee test pretty quick, I think a couple of days. So I would definitely opt for the hair test because if she is okay with a pee test then she probably thinks that the drugs are out of her system. That's just how I would always play it with my parents. And I would always play the "Oh, I drank some and oh yeah I smoked some cigarettes." To divert attention - you know to try to make it look like I was coming clean about something. I would only do the hair test once however - just to let her know you definitely know and if you feel like you need to confirmation.

I also have experience living with an active addict (my fiance) who was trying to hide the addiction from me (yes two addicts pretending we weren't addicted to each other... talk about healthy) - so I've done the pee testing thing too to try to catch them. Basically, you are just going to waste a lot of money to prove something that you already know to be true. And it's going to drive you crazy. If they are sober/not using you wouldn't be on an online forum asking people how to tell if they were using. Not to be harsh - just the truth. You don't see people posting on here that don't have the obvious usage signs. Trust your gut and save some cash.

But a word of hope - both me AND my fiance are now recovered and working great programs on our own (with the help of AA and our higher power of course) so it definitely is possible - she is just going to have to come to it on her own like we both did.

Good luck and your family is in my prayers.

SundaysChild

Amen. I think this is the best perspective on drug testing I've seen.

notsleepingwell

((((MadKarma))))
It's funny how we parents think we have a handle on things. I remember when my daughter was using, all the excuses I made for her.
Some of the most common were financial....her rent wasn't paid, her phone would be disconnected.
But the poor girl couldn't get called in for shifts, she had some unexpected expenses, it's hard being a single mom.....blah, blah, blah. Deep down I knew something was wrong...just didn't know what. But believe me, once the downward spiral started....
Looking back, she NEVER had any money...always borrowing. And I was always there to bail her out....pay the rent, reconnect the phone etc.
A friend told me "You are her mother, if you think something is wrong, something is Wrong!!!" Best advice I'd ever gotten ...then I found SoberRecovery and this place and these people saved my sanity.
Good Luck...go with your gut....
My daughter has been clean 6 years, has a new baby, and I'm soooo proud of her. We talk often of that terrible time. I had taken custody of her son, she became homeless and close to death. But things can turn around, unfortunately we cannot control when that happens!
NSW

madkarma

Thank you for all the responses. She has been living back at home now for over a week. She has a very loose curfew 10 pm on school nights and 12 on weekends, but still felt a need to tell me she was working one night when she wasn't. Other than that, she has kept to her curfew very closely (11:59, 9:59...) and spends very little time at home. I have not drug tested her because basically I'm in a quandry. Some say do it, some say don't. I just don't know what to do. I make her shower every night when she comes home because I can't tolerate the smell of smoke. She is disrespectful often when she is home, which is hardly ever and sometimes I wish she hadn't come home. I know that is wrong, but I have felt that way sometimes.

PrayingMama

Disrespectful speech and behavior is a huge red flag. In my home and heart, it is unacceptable under any circumstances. I have always had non-negotiable boundaries regarding this--long before addiction ever entered the picture with my oldest son. I place great value on civil living, being polite and kind to those you live with. My husband and I are as polite, respectful and kind to our sons as we expect them to be to us and others. As I said, such conduct is non-negotiable for us. This does not mean being formal or cold to one another--in fact, that would be the opposite of being kind. We can be a rather rowdy bunch, but mutual respect is an outward manifestation of love, and it is just as important to treat the ones closest to us with the same respect we have for "outsiders."

I hope you can somehow find a way to establish with your daughter that you expect to be treated--and your home to be treated--with respect, at all times, no matter what. You are the mama. Your manner/behavior/attitude will set the tone for the home. (Some may disagree with that, but I feel strongly that female energy has great power to change and heal the "vibe" of a space--call me crazy.)

Blessings and peace to you and your daughter.

Fandy

did you ever find out what happened to all of her graudation money?

madkarma

We have a contract that I created with a "respect" clause. I agree that respect is most important. I hope that we will be able to quash the disrespect with family meetings that are outlined in the respect clause for any infractions. Punishments to be fines and/or additional chores if the disrespect seems valid after the meeting.

I don't know what happened to all of the graduation money. She just says that she spent it on gas and food. I did find a lot of receipts from restaurants when her boyfriend was supposedly taking her out. The receipts were from her card, so I guess she was treating him. It kind of disgusts me that he allowed her to take him out rather than the other way around but I guess I'm old fashioned.

notsleepingwell

"
Thank you for all the responses. She has been living back at home now for over a week. She has a very loose curfew 10 pm on school nights and 12 on weekends, but still felt a need to tell me she was working one night when she wasn't. Other than that, she has kept to her curfew very closely (11:59, 9:59...) and spends very little time at home. I have not drug tested her because basically I'm in a quandry. Some say do it, some say don't. I just don't know what to do. I make her shower every night when she comes home because I can't tolerate the smell of smoke. She is disrespectful often when she is home, which is hardly ever and sometimes I wish she hadn't come home. I know that is wrong, but I have felt that way sometimes. "

MadKarma

Don't stress about doing what people tell you to do. You have to do what is right for you. My daugher and her boyfriend moved in with me shortly after she got clean, he wasn't ....we had some very turbulent times, and sometimes I hated her!!! But the boyfriend ended up leaving, and things have taken this long to get back to normal. They are really soooo hateful when they are in the throes of addiction, but a lot of that is feeling guilty. Even during recovery, the attitude and entiltlement will drive you crazy. It had taken my daughter every bit of the 6 years to return to somewhat normal. Baby steps, baby steps!!

madkarma

Well, things went south. I found out she was lying and calling out of work (telling them that her father had a car accident and she was stuck in another state because of it). I think she probably got fired. When confronted with the truth that I know, she denies everything. So I went ahead with a drug test. It tested for Marijuana, Opiates, Cocaine, Amphetamines, Meth, and Ecstasy. It was clean. It took her almost an hour and 4 glasses of water to urinate. She was shaking, she said from the cold. We then marched her to the computer and had her log into blackboard to show us her grades. Only two of the 4 classes were listed that she was supposed to be taking. She swears its a mistake. I don't believe her. She will lose her scholarship which stinks, but I just want her to be honest with me. My husband will take her to the college today to talk to an advisor if she still maintains that she has been going to those two classes. As far as work, I have someone who is close to her manager finding out about that. We took away her phone and all the phones in the house and blocked access to the computer for the night. Stayed up most of the night to make sure she didn't leave. Her boyfriend called 20 times, texted her little brother (we took his phone too just in case) and texted me. I told him she was alright just sleeping but he continued to call. Now what?

Fandy

She may have been shaking because of the test. Being scared is better than defiant.
Her boyfriend knows something.
good luck at the school today. Im glad you found out the truth. Its upsetting, but better now than later.

SundaysChild

I would not let the drug test assure you that she is not using. The 6 panel test you used didn't test for everything, drug tests can be beat, and sometimes they are defective. So, you still don't know for sure about what she's been ingesting.

You do know, however, that she has been lying to you.

This is new territory for you. She's 18, and crossed a line between "child" and "adult" While she is dependent on you for support, she is considered a legal adult. This requires thinking a bit differently. It is not longer your job to control her choices and her behavior. She may some really bad ones - you have now moved into a position where being a good parent means allowing her the dignity of her own mistakes.

This means that your choices need to be based on what's good for your mental health - not what you think she needs to do to "straighten up." If you don't want to pay for a cell phone, don't pay for it. If you don't want to live with someone who's lying to you, ask her to leave. Think about what your boundaries are, then communicate them and take action. While you need to let her make bad choices, you don't need to pay for them, and you don't need to watch.

interrupted

Your gut is telling you something is up, and it's probably right.

I don't know that drug tests are all that reliable, or if they even really help at all. I can tell you that with my sister, her lying and inability to keep a job were early indicators of what would become an extended downhill spiral into IV heroin addiction. She is 25 now.

The boyfriend being unable to handle a single night of no contact is concerning as well. There aren't very many things that can create that level of desperation. Drugs are one of them.

I think your next steps are as SundaysChild stated: figure out what your boundaries are and enforce them for your own mental health. She *could be* doing anything, so focus on the things that you know, whether those things are acceptable to you or not, and what your response plan is.

This is a tremendously difficult situation - it always seems harder to me when I read about this behavior at younger ages. That is, it's much easier to say that a 30 year old shouldn't be behaving like a child than it is to say that about an 18 year old. I understand the legal age limits logically, but emotionally it just seems so hard. I know that it must be extremely difficult for you. I'm sorry you're going through this.

madkarma

We had a major blow up yesterday. My husband and daughter were driving in the car and they passed the boyfriend on the road and she just started sobbing. They came home and she was going to leave. She didn't have her phone or a car, so she was going to walk to a friend's house. She was screaming and crying and frankly, crazy. He called me and I left work to come home to assist. I took away her purse and blocked the way out of her room. I knew that if she left we'd never see her again. She hated us, we didn't love her or we'd let her go, etc. etc. My husband started making phone calls to family members and making her say goodbye, hoping that this would hit her deeply and she'd snap out of it. It didn't. She maintained the lies on the phone. She pushed and pulled at us calling us all sorts of names. I told her that the only way she was leaving the house was to be committed at this point since she had attacked us we felt that she was a danger to herself or others. I didn't want to go that route. Finally, her aunt and uncle came over and she calmed down. We all had a talk. She finally admitted to quitting her job and dropping the two classes. She said that she just wanted to hang out with the boyfriend, that's why she lied to work and didn't go to her classes. We tried to make her see that this relationship was an addiction/obsession for her and that she needed to make a life and fit the relationship into it, not try to make her life fit around her relationship. She agreed to stay home. We set up parameters to limit her time with the boyfriend, including having him come to our house Sunday to have a talk. I spoke with her manager at work and she doesn't believe that she is doing drugs, but she did feel that the relationship was unhealthy (they both had worked there until my daughter quit so she had seen them together often). She agreed to see a counselor, so I am going to set that up today.

When she was acting crazy, I again thought of drugs and withdrawal symptoms. But I guess if she is addicted to the boyfriend, then withdrawing from him might make her crazy as well? I don't know. Thanks for all the responses though. I'm exhausted.

Fandy

It could be a combination? He knows a lot morethan she's telling you. He has a big hold over her. Is he in school too or working?

SundaysChild

In my experience, an over the top response to a limit can definitely be aggravated by drug use

Back in his active using days - although we did not know it then, my husband and son had a fight about my son's girlfriend. I forget exactly what my husband said, but it revolved around limiting the amount of time he saw her. My son shoved my husband, and my daughter called the police.

He wound up being sent back to the residential treatment program he's gone to the prior year for a 30-day tune up, in lieu of jail. Upon admission his drug test was clean, but the director saw his sweating and uncomfortable the next morning, so she re-did it. The second test was positive for benzos.

However, you will make yourself crazy trying to figure out if she's using, or just addicted to the boyfriend. Just focus on your own boundaries, and whether her behavior respects those boundaries.

Take care of yourself.

DJ0822

You are in that awful period of not knowing what to think is reality. Be prepared that if/when you discover "the truth," you will be feeling like you've been sucker punched. You will be furious at her and furious at yourself for being had.

I pray and hope that all these signs are just rebellion, but if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it probably is a duck.

This is all consuming of your thoughts, feelings and time right now. Been there, done that. These SR suggestions are sooooo important. Read, read, read. Is this the same daughter as a year ago? Trust your gut. Go to a-non meetings, even if you just sit and listen.

I feel your pain and know there is nothing any of us can do for you, as you just hafta see what unfolds. But we have all been there. We've got your back!! Don't second-guess your momma instincts.