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Old 09-01-2012, 10:20 AM   #1 (permalink)
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should i stay with him? afraid of coming home to my addict husband.

going to rehab husband is not but says hes quitting

Won't make this a long post but I am going to inpatient rehab the 3rd. I'm getting scared nervous even angry now. I'm afraid of coming home to my own husband who uses the same doc just as much if not more then me. He says he's going to quit annd do it alone. I can't do it that way. However he needs to quit on his own and do it for him I know that much. He has shown no will or wanting to quithhasnt doneanything to make me believe he's going to. One thing I cann say is his use has gotten worse since I've told him I'm going probably due to stress. Being that he will betaking care of our 3 children (with the help of my parents) and working full time while I'm gone. He's spending more money he's is having worse mood swings then usualeven tantrums at time when I won't give him money or refuse to call the friends/hookups to score for himwhen he's low. I just say over and over is this what I'm going to come home to?? He says no. But whatsgoing to change between then and now? We've been married 7 yrs been together 13 6 of which we have been addicts together. I feel like its not going to work that I'm going to change and he's going to continue to sink this ship by using and spending money and putting temptation in my face. I know he wants me to quit and he may very well "want " to as well but wanting and doing are two diff things. I almost feel like he wants me to quit to save him money. He isn't a bad man aside from his mood swings and our habit. He's a loving father he works full time. Ijust want to know if anyone has. Gone threw this and is there a shot in hell for us? I know he loves me and well for me I think I'm in love with the idea of having the man I met 13 yrs ago back. But there's another side that is ready to change everything when I get out I want to start a new lifewith my kidsI want to beindependant.I'm torn I know I feel likethatbecausethe thought of being with him if he doesn't quit is daughnting. Anyone been threw this and what was your experiance??
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Old 09-01-2012, 10:45 AM   #2 (permalink)
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The most important thing for you is to protect your own recovery. Living with an active addict is not protecting your recovery and chances are good that you will just revert to old ways and start using again.

Him saying he is going to quit means absolutely nothing. Even if he did quit, unless he is in a strong recovery program and is working that program, chances are he'll relapse and take you right along with him.

I see no future in this relationship.
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Old 09-01-2012, 11:21 AM   #3 (permalink)
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That's exactly how I'm feeling about. I am starting to resnt him so much has gone wrong in the yrs we've spent using. I decided for me not for anyone else I want to go to in patient recovery because I know I can't do it alone without support. He says "I need to quit to but I know I can do it alone I've done it before" I say to him you've done it before and your still using so to me that means you can't do it alone your attempts to quit have failed. Todays a really bad day he is sick and in need and he aims all of his comments at me almost like blaming me. I told him you need to realize this is your addiction you can't blame anyone until you realize that you won't get better. He tells me I think I'm an expert now. He says things like I need to quit but I can't miss work or how am I going to quit while ur in rehab and I'm with the kids and working. Today he said I'm going to tell my parents but I'm going to wait till tues I don't want to ruin their holiday wkend. Do you see the pattern I see? Its always I'm going to or I can't yet. When I decided I wanted to quit I knew that minute no matter if it was christmas! I had to call my parents if I didn't do it then I was giving myself an excuse. I'm not saying I'm better then him. I'm saying I feel we are at different places in our addiction. All the talk about it from him seems to be aimed at me a nd resentful. I just don't want to come home and witness his addiction him chasing the drug waiting for his check to come and spending all of it him knotting out on the couch and not wanting to live life. I can't make him do anything I know he wants to sometime but I don't think its now. I know he feels like he has to say it because I'm going to rehab. He also said to me I never supported him when he tried to quit so why should support me. Like I said his habit seems to have gotten worse since I. Told him I'm going away and I told my parents. And his tantrums at me have gotten worse. So all I think about is what coming home going to be like? Has anyone been threw this?
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Old 09-01-2012, 11:37 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I haven't been in your position, but I have a family member who went to treatment and tried to move back into a house with an active addict. She didn't even stay clean for one day once she was back home. Not a single day.

I think it sounds like you are on the right track and are ready to get clean and stay clean. It will be nearly impossible to do if he stays on the scene. Additionally, addicts make really bad parents. I know, I had two of them. You're doing what you have to to ensure a better future for your kids, he's all talk and no action. Your kids don't need an active addict in the house. You sound strong and grounded, and it sounds like you know deep down what you're going to have to do - it's just hard.

All your focus has to be on you. It's the only way, at least for a while. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong.
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Old 09-01-2012, 11:54 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Thank you for your kind words. I think I do know what I need to do for myself and my kids. Butt I guess after 13 yrs and 3 kids I was looking for maybe a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for our marriage. But I don't think there is going to be one. I know I'm putting the carriage before the horse when I sit and think about my future and coming home. But what I really want is to be clean and be alone for along time with me and my kids. I want to be independent (I've never been) . I don't want to be dependant anymore I want to live for me think for me and be me. I don't want to help him hope for him and do for him. I have moments though where I think wow I'm so selfish how could I get better and just abandon him if he does quit he will need my support he is going to try to support me am I being high and mighty by deciding I want to quit and part of that means I want to also quit my marriage? Its so hard.
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Old 09-01-2012, 11:56 AM   #6 (permalink)
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((Becron)) - I had to leave my XABF#3 because he was intent on continuing to use the DOC we shared and I chose recovery. I tried hanging on to him, long distance, but whenever I was around him, I made really bad decisions. I still loved him, but I just knew..deep in my heart..that I couldn't "do this" any more - not the DOC, not him.

I've got almost 5-1/2 years in recovery and I STILL will not be around someone who is using my DOC (crack). Nothing good ever came from it.

I'm glad you're going to rehab. Soak up all the knowledge and tools for recovery as if your life depends on it because it really does.

Hugs and prayers,

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Old 09-01-2012, 11:59 AM   #7 (permalink)
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If you honestly want to continue in recovery, you are going to have to be selfish. There is nothing in the world wrong with that. Putting your children and yourself first is the most important thing. Your husband is a grown man, not an 8 year old child who needs you to guide him. If he wants recovery, he'll do the same thing you did. If he isn't willing to do whatever it takes, then he doesn't want it badly enough.

Don't feel sorry for him. He had you to look toward as an example of someone who was in the depths of addiction and chose to claw her way out. He can do it too, but he has to want it more than anything else. If he doesn't, you don't need him around.
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Old 09-01-2012, 12:59 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Becron View Post
I want to quit and part of that means I want to also quit my marriage? Its so hard.
It's not so much you want to quit your marriage--it's that you want to quit being a slave to drugs.

One of the first things you have to do is stop being around others that use. If your husband is a user, then you must stop being around him. You can't have it both ways. You are both triggers for each other using drugs. You have made the decision to stop using drugs so along with that decision is making choices about who you spend your time with, what you do and where you go.
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Old 09-01-2012, 03:21 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Thanks everyone. Today has been a bad day watcging his rollercoaster moods and hunt fot pills. I cant do it anymore. I just hope in a yr I look back and know I made a good choice.
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Old 09-01-2012, 03:30 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I met my now deceased EXAH in 1981 and walked away from that marriage in 1986. I successfully completed inpatient rehab...he did not. He was court-ordered, and drank whiskey/slammed dope the day he got out.

For me to go back to him after my completion of rehab was to sign my own death certificate, either through my own relapse, him beating me to death, or me ending up HIV+. He was buried a few years ago at the tender age of 47, complications due to AIDS.

I had no idea, and neither did he back then that he was HIV+. As a matter of fact, he contracted it while sharing needles (and a bed no doubt) with another female IV user, while I was in rehab.

I still get goosebumps thinking about it. I never went home to him, and if that isn't God's grace working in my life, then I don't know what is.

We had no children together, but I did have a daughter from a prior marriage. She was 8 when I left him.

This isn't a dress rehearsal. We've got one life to live, yes?

I will be forever grateful for all the angels who were put in my life during that time, and for all of those who have followed over the years.

What is your life worth to you?

Sending you hugs of support!
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Old 09-01-2012, 04:53 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Freedom 1990. That really hit home. "We don't get a dress rehearsal" thank you for sharing your story. Thank you to everyone for your kind encouraging words and personal experiances. Like I said it is very hard. But I know I have two options 1. I go to rehab and stay with him, hoping he quits and wondering if he ever will or wondering if he's using and not telling me. Sit there while he sinks us financially (wevee already sunk a few times) hope he doesn't die and pray for the man I fell in love with 13 yrs ago comes back. Option 2. I go and work on me and work a program the rest of my life ensuring I'm healthy and on track I don't go back to him and stay with my parents until he's out of the house. I live for me and my kids for once and wish him the best and try to find a happy light at the end of all this (I can't see one now at all!) And of course I will put my kids in alonon. And counsling to help deal with the divorce and addiction. Again thank you to everyone. Anyone else feel free to post I'm soaking all this in.
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Old 09-01-2012, 05:43 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I think you already know what you should do.

The real question is: are you prepared to do what you need to do in order to facilitate YOUR recovery?

Pulling for you...
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Old 09-01-2012, 07:32 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Becron, I agree with everyone who has said that you can't go back to living with an active addict who uses your DOC after rehab and expect to stay clean. It's just not going to happen. It's hard enough to stay clean without that added trigger. Even if he wasn't using, going back to the same house and the same life, with all the same stresses, would make staying clean a serious challenge. Even without him using, you will need meetings and SR and other, healthy ways to "shake things up" in order to distract yourself from the Addict whispering in your ear, telling you just one more time won't hurt.

You have only a couple more days before you go into rehab. Not really a reasonable amount of time to decide to walk away from a 13-year relationship. So don't make such an "all or nothing" decision right now. Instead, decide that you will temporarily stay at your parents' house for awhile after rehab, to get your bearings, change your environment, and assess whether your husband is still using. And then you can take your time deciding the best course of action at that point.

You are about to embark on a big new venture, and I know entering rehab can be scary (although as I said before, you'll find it to be a whole lot less scary that you think and actually really great and rewarding). Don't try make any big, emotionally disruptive decisions about your marriage right now. Just make a temporary decision - to stay with your parents for awhile after rehab while you get your feet set solidly into a recovery program and take your time to make a considered decision about your marriage.
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Old 09-01-2012, 07:34 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I vote for option 2.
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Old 09-01-2012, 08:05 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Glad to hear from you again SG. Thanks for the tip I guess today has been really bad and has me looking into the future and what's to come when I get home. However I will tell you this before I cinsidered recovery this was last year when I had found out his problems with drugs where soooo much worse then I knew (the types of drugs) and the things he was doing and we had lost a house I consulted an attorney but backed out in fear I couldn't be alone. I guess I have been brought back to that time and I should be as I said putting the carriage before the horse right now one thing at a time I agree with you about that. I wish my head would stop spinning though. I'm just afraid of coming home and being discouraged by him or even going to my parents and what his reaction will be. My clue should have been yrs ago when about six months into marraige he couldn't stop drinking and he didn't come home at night that he had a drinking problem. He stopped but that when we started taking pills. I should have walked away then but we bonded over drugs we where euphoric together. I didn't realize his drinking until we married because when we met we hung out with friends went to bars and had fun we where young. But when we married I stopped drinking I just grew bored of it it was never a problem for me but he didn't he just found other ppl to do it with. I gave him an ultamatum and he stopped but looking back he traded one problem for another which I hate bitching about because I joined him and we both got addicted. Ugghh again I'm thinking to much I need to just get to rehab and focus on me. At SG. I am actually as weird as this may sound getting a bit more optimitic about maplegrove now. I'm looking at it this way I'm going to recovery and getting the much needed mental break I need from my everyday life. No distraction from work kids or husband just a whole lot of time to work on me! Again thank you to everyone I feel very em powered and your advice has been great and I know I will make the best decision for me and my kids. I do know this right now I am not going home to him.
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Old 09-02-2012, 01:23 PM   #16 (permalink)
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I think you are an incredible woman for seeking recovery and being willing to go to rehab.

I think those kids are blessed to have you as their mother.

You will get out of rehab as much as you put into it. I worked as though my life depended on it because it surely did.

There have been some pretty rough patches in my life since rehab, but the rewards have been immense.

It's been an exciting, sometimes frustrating, sometimes sad adventure, but I am who I am today because of all the experiences in my life.

I am comfortable in my own skin. I have been on my own for so long now that I cherish my "alone" time. Both daughters are grown now (my youngest was born in 1988), and I have my second set of "kids" at home, dogs, cats, and two hilarious ferrets.

I see a tremendous future in store for you! Lots of hugs and best wishes for a fruitful and healing process in rehab!
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Old 09-02-2012, 04:48 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Just one mama to another, wishing you all the best as you fight for your life and the healthy lives of your children.

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Old 09-02-2012, 07:20 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Thank you. I feel encredible about this. Before I felt so scared but since SR and everyones encouragement I feel like I am doing all the right things. I'm still a bit scared of those first days in rehab wondering how bad its going to be. (Everyaddicts worse fear). Another knew where that hit me. My kids start the school yr and I'm not going to be around and I feel like everytiings going to fall apart without me. I'm afraid they are going to miss school or their routine isn't going to work. Idk these are all normal fears for moms going on vacation or rehab I suppose. I can't wait to get started on my program I can't wait to have my life back I can't wait to have money to eand save money and go on adventures with my kids or even just go to a movie or dinner with them! We never have money. I can't wait to have my natural energy and love of life back without worrying about taking my dose of vicodin by the handful every 4 hrs just so I can go grocery shopping cook dinner and clean the house.
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Old 09-03-2012, 02:24 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Stand strong and you can have all you desire--and more! It will be tough at first--but by taking the first step you are well on your way to freedom. Your kids are going to be so grateful to have a healthy mother!
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Old 09-05-2012, 05:52 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Becron- you are amazing, you can do this! One of the many reasons I just filed for divorce is because I don't want to relapse after five years of sobriety, and I'm pretty sure I will if I stay. Because in order to survive the painful reality that my marriage is I would have to numb out. I don't want to live that life again, it was more painful than what I'm going through now because I hated myself. As hard as leaving my marriage is, its out of true love and compassion, for myself, for my children, and even for AH because maybe he will get healthy when he loses everything he loves. However that's out of my hands.
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