The F***** switched from Spice to Weed
 

Found my fiancé with weed. Better than the spice I guess, but I am so angry. Why is he doing this right before our wedding? He says again he got it from the guys that are working on our new house. Same story he gave me about the spice few weeks ago. Says they only gave him a little baggie of it, and he is only using it to relax because he has so much on his plate with the house, the wedding. After we had the argument about the spice, we made some changes and delayed moving into our new house so there would be more time to get the work done and pay for it. Ive totally cooled it about stressing over the wedding that’s happening in a few weeks. At least around him. And then few days ago he was stupid enough to let me catch him with weed. I mean I know its not that bad, but with his history its plain axx dumb. I kicked him out of our house and told him he wasn’t coming back unless he stopped all the drugs. ALL the drugs. I went online and ordered a bunch of drug test kits. When he walks in the door the next time, the pee is gonna flow or the **** it gonna fly. Am I wrong to be angry about the weed? How do I pound this into his head, no drugs of any kind ! WTH is wrong with him?? Hes saying Im overreacting, and if I don’t calm down and give him some space, then HE isn’t sure he wants to go through with the wedding. HE does not plan to be kicked out of our home. He thinks Im having a breakdown over the wedding. Its all about how HE is fine and IM losing my mind and making a big deal of nothing. Lets see – smoking spice out of a bong while stinking up the new house like a skunk, and now carrying around a baggie of weed. However you smoke it. Im just here to get this out. Its not like I can call my bridesmaids, or my mom and say guess what the groom is sitting on the floor with a bong; lets talk about which is better environmentally; throwing rice, or throwing birdseed. AHHHHHHH

and you're still going to marry him?

He's not going to stop smoking drugs after the wedding.

He didn't learn his lesson? Addicts are great at telling us what we want to hear, huh?

"Thank you everyone for your comments, I had a long talk with him yesterday and I feel confident that this was a one off, and hopefully he has learned his lesson. If not, time will tell., But until then I will give him the benefit of the doubt because he has earned that with me."

Tanya go and find some of my original posts as to why i came here...it isn't that hard. just look for my name under the name of the original posts. my ex Abf is not a lot different to your fiancé. and he has no intention of really stopping even if it meant losing me. he told me what i needed to hear, and then cracked at the first time he was given the option to drink again, and I'm sure he would have done the same if someone offered him acid. actions don't match his words. thats the basics. if you want a life of being lied to and disappointed then go through with your marriage. if you want a life without drugs, then run now, for he has no interest in stopping. and i can tell you my ex bf got very angry and bitter at me when i broke it off, saying some very nasty things to me and about my kids. he took absolutely NO RESPONSIBILITY for his actions. any of this sounding familiar? are you ready to listen yet?

Because he likes weed and/or anything else he uses if there is anything else.
He has started substituting drugs is all.

He may have he could have bought it from them but doubtful either way does it matter where he got it? If he didn't he is also a LIAR

He appeased you?


Was he stupid enough or is he trying to show you who he is and what you should expect?

If you don't feel it is bad IMO, you would not be here posting.

So your gonna be his mother not fiancee or wife? The mothers here including me don't do drug testing on our kids... with very few exceptions...


You don't pound it in his head you bring your own self out of denial he IS gonna do what he wants too.

He likes getting high plain and simple and if the stress of a wedding is "his" excuse well I am sorry to tell you this but the I Do's are the easy part keeping a marriage going is a whole new world. He is showing you who he is what he likes when are you gonna believe him?



Might be the best thing he could do for you, as you see it is all about HIM what he wants and and he is using manipulation.



Good luck Tanya, your roller coaster ride from hell is just beginning.

Get out Tanya!! I have recently joined SR - after being in a relationship with H for many years...he's first year in 'recovery' but still smokes grass... I thought this was okay as grass is not his DOC (cocaine is his addiction) - but his bizarre, hurtful, completely selfish behavior the past few weeks forced me to WAKE UP and join SR....through SR and all the support and comments from members who clearly know a lot more than me - a lot more experienced - if you chose a life with your addict you have to be prepared to take on a roller coaster ride from hell..... your bf is NOT going to change - he is demonstrating that to you so clearly - it seems that he is actually getting 'caught out' on purpose so you are aware of who he is..... I have learnt from bitter experience - and yes it is comletely heart breaking to accept the reality - but he is giving you a way out.... let him go, let him heal (as I believe it is possible) - but not whilst you two are planning on marriage...and more importantly you need to acquire the skills (mental and emotional) to handle all of this - to learn about you...... please don't get married at this stage - you hardly know this man. You THINK you do (like I did - I thought I knew H better than anyone - we have been in each others lives for over 10 years) - but when I honestly address the situation - I don't know him at all (well not the addiction )- and what I have learnt on SR - is that the two are in seperable. Addiction IS him!!! Read some of the helpful posts on my thread "is there ever a chance of a loving relationship'...thinking of you!!!

I dont know what Im going to do yet. Weed is a far cry from meth which was his DOC years ago. My guy treats me good, but right now he is pissed because Im drawing a line with him and he seems to think the spice was no big deal or the weed. Im too angry to be rational right now about this. I just dont get why now... is it really the wedding even after we have been living together and have already bought a new house together? Makes no sense. none

A friend of mine sent me a wonderful email a month or so ago. It was a list of advice from an old farmer and it was wonderful. Your situation reminds me of one of the bits of advice from this country wise man:

When you realize you're in a hole, the first thing to do is to stop digging.

Simple words but so very smart. You don't have to do anything right now. More will be revealed with time......but at the very least, it might be wise to stop digging.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this so close to your wedding date. I'm sure that is very stressful for you.

gentle hugs
ke

tanya my guy DOC was meth, and he only took acid a few times a year...that doesn't sound like much right?, and then he started drinking a bit, which isn't meth, and drinking socially is ok right, for he didn't have an issue with alcohol, he use to have meth.

but he doesn't know how to stop. he told me all the things i wanted to hear, and i honestly think he means it when he says it. he loved me. he wanted a life with me. but the first time he went out with a mate, he had a couple of drinks. which was how he started drinking when we met. he didn't tell me he slipped up, he told me he had a couple, and then had another couple with dinner. when i asked him about it he didn't think it was an issue, and said he was just going to see how it went, although he had already told that HE KNOWS HE CANT STOP AND THAT MEANS HE CANT EVEN HAVE ONE. and yet he wasn't fussed or phased. when i broke up with him, he insulted me and told me he was happy i was out of his life and that he could now stop trying to live up to my expectations. apparently he wasn't as happy with the "i don't want drugs in my life so if you want me in your life you can't have ANY TYPE OF DRUG". he then insulted my children. does this sound like someone who just the night before told me he loved me, and was looking forward to our life together as a family, and how an amazing mother i was to 2 great kids?
addicts tell you ANYTHING to keep you going, but their ACTIONS don't match, and when they don't get their way, or are caught out, they behave like sulking teenagers, and throw a tantrum, and blame YOU for everything.

do you want a life of drug testing and not trusting your partner? do you want to be his mother and warden? does this sounds like the amazing guy you married? this isn't a game! this isn't a fairy tail. open your eyes, and see what he is saying and match it to his actions. it doesn't add up! there are so many other amazing men out there just waiting to meet a woman who is loving and sweet, so why would you want to be with one, who lies, and takes drugs, and then blames you for his problems and his drug taking. you are heading for a world of hurt if you stay. but that is up to you. i honestly wish you well. I'm just glad i got out before my kids got sucked into his world.

Tanya, if you go ahead with the wedding, you should make friends with what you are feeling right now because it won't stop and is bound to get a lot worse. If his DOC was meth and he is now smoking weed, it is but a matter of time before he is back to meth IMHO.

My XH was abusive before our wedding, but I went ahead anyway, even though alarm bells were ringing. It didn't get better and it got a whole lot worse before I upped and left. I only wish I listened before marrying him. Whatever your relationship is like before the wedding, marriage amplifies behaviour.

Addicts will never own up to the extent of their addiction. My AS told me for years he was only smoking weed and he was always giving up as he got caught. Well, weed certainly do not need needles.

It was only when I found SR that I realised that his behaviour was simply what addicts do. He isn't a bad person, quite the contrary, but he is an addict. They lie and will do anything to allow themselves to continue.

Tanya, you haven't said anything about canceling the wedding so I'm assuming you are still considering it. I'm also assuming that most, if not all, involved with the wedding are unaware of your situation. So let me ask you - add into the equation that all of these folks knew - this includes your immediate family, bridesmaids, friends, relatives, even clergyman - and think about each one of them individually if you can - what do you think each one would say or tell you? Do you think they would honestly give a sh*t about the money already spent or that they were looking forward to a 'fun' day or, even better, think of your parents or whoever will be there walking you down the aisle - if they knew do you think they would willingly give you to a man who has been deceitful and pretty much now openly doing drugs?

I ask this because it sounds as if they are the reason you are still going through with the wedding, because you don't want to ruin everyone's expectations and upset anyone with all the money spent and time planning. But do you honestly think any one of them would be angry if they knew the reason WHY you decided to call off the wedding? And a side note, if anyone was, they didn't deserve to be a part of your wedding in the first place.

Just something to think about....

And btw, I'm really sorry that this nightmare continues for you.

If you don't want to be married to a drug user, then now is the time to make sure it doesn't happen because that is where you are headed. Your boyfriend has no issues with his using spice or pot and you do. He is not going to quit using long term and he may move on to worse drugs over time. I think you know he will, too. When a drug abuser decides to quit using drugs, it must be because of his own decision to do so. Your boyfriend may abstain until the wedding just to get you off his back, but he will pick it back up again. So, unless this is what you want in a marriage--to always be on guard to catch him using and being upset, then welcome aboard. You have rough sailing to look forward to. Time to check out groups like Al-Anon. You're going to need them to hang on to your sanity.

It's really quite simple.

Your values do not match his values. In order for the wedding to go forward, one of you has to compromise your values. Chances are that it's not going to be him. So....will it be you?

The drug testing thing is usually the first response by someone in your situation, but it won't accomplish a thing, so don't bother. You will never ever be able to control his behavior in any shape or form. It has to come from within...from his set of core values.

It's not about the WEED....it's about HONESTY, TRUST, RESPECT AND COMMON VALUES. These are clearly missing from the relationship and this does not bode well for the future.

The wedding money will be spent either way -- whether you marry him or not. It's not about the money.

It's about your pride. Are you willing to compromise on these important issues for the sake of your pride?

Or are you wiling to compromise your values (now or later) and learn to be OK with drugs?

It's one or the other.


(And BTW, he's not smoking weed because of "stress", he's smoking weed because he likes to get high.)

Tanya, I'm so sorry you are in this awful situation. Please confide in your mom, your sister, or a close friend. Just get somebody to help you. You don't deserve this angst during what should be a happy time for you.

:gaah

This comment reminds me of a really good reason for premarital counseling of couples contemplating marriage. There are lots of things to consider--children, in-laws, religion, finances, managing of the home, intimacy, etc. IMO one party being a drug abuser would be first on the list of incompatibilities.

If you are considering going through with marriage, then please find someone you can talk to about it first. You are really setting yourself up for trouble.

You marry him and you are accepting his addiction, after marriage he will feel that
he has you lock, stock and barrel, it will get worse, not better.

I wish you the best, be ready for the ride of your life.

The posting from people on the verge of marrying an addict always get to me the most.

My mother thought she was making a mistake when she married my father (he was an alcoholic). However, she didn't want to disappoint anyone and went through with the wedding anyway.

On her wedding night, she was certain that she had made a mistake. My dad hung out in the bar while she cried in their hotel room.

She thought having a baby would make him change - it didn't. I'm the oldest. The day I was born he wasn't at the hospital with her, he went out with his friends to celebrate.

They were married for 16 years. They had three children together. All of us are in our 40s and are still suffering from the affects of growing up in a dysfunctional home. It affected my mother's entire life. She's still bitter 30+ years later.

My father drank until he died two years ago. There was always an excuse to keep drinking. There was always stress, always other people to blame.

I agree with DJ0822. This should be one of the happiest times in your life.

Keep reading, keep posting, proceed with caution!

Thank you for letting me share.

db

it sounds like you are caught in the "NO MAN'S LAND" between what you...want/hope for/dream of/imagine/wish for/thought was/"should be" AND what IS.

it is a horrible place to live, and it is the realm of the codependent. we think that our rational thinking will help and we keep trying to use rational thinking until we go insane. we want what we want and they won't give it to us because they are a drug user/addict and we keep wanting until we are completely selfish, we think our anger, lines in the sand, refusal to accept, glaring, silence, foot stomping etc will somehow make them change and we keep trying to make them change until we are completely reactionary and have no life of our own because we are focused on theirs and are terribly afraid of not getting what we "want"...

which in your case sounds a little like you are focused on trying to get a drug user/addict to behave so that you can pretend it is as it should be so you can get what you want a perfect little wedding with people tossing bird seed/rice.

your reality right now does not match your hopes/fantasy/"should be" dreams.

its a really painful place to be, but the only side of the street you can change is your own.

all the should be hopes lie between the two of you, and you simply CANNOT change what he puts into the mix. the choice is acceptance or detachment

as someone said, if you go ahead and marry then you are going to need AL ANON because you are heading into NO MAN'S LAND and you will need help to keep from going insane.

all of us here know this