FindingErica

I hope things work out for you! Let us know either way.

crazybabie

I am glad you looking into and doing some things but seriously 2 weeks is not long enough an addict can lie for a very long time and hide things very well, best of luck to you.

Freedom1990

I suspect that like me, you are going to do what you are going to do despite experiences shared from others.

There were a ton of red flags up before I married my EXAH, but I chose to ignore them and clung to the fantasy that somehow marriage would make it all better.

That marriage, along with my own addiction and alcoholism issues, ultimately brought me to my knees and close to death.

Good luck.

lightseeker

I was another one that was going to go ahead and do what I was going to do inspite of all of the red flags. In hindsight, I honestly don't know how or why I did what I did.

What I wish that I got back then is that if I had ANY doubts at all, if I wasn't 100% SURE about marriage to a man then I needed to wait. Marriage isn't easy and when you go into it without more confidence than 100% then it's going to be difficult at best.

Obviously, no one could tell me anything that was going to change my actions. I was going to do what I was going to do. It was almost some horrible death wish that I had to play out. It almost cost me my life and I've been fortunate to get away.

The good news is that I have learned a lot about myself along the way and developed awareness and boundaries that are now making a large difference in my life.

I know you must feel really confused but also hopeful that things are going to get better. I also know that you love him.

I hope you are able to perceive all of your responses as supportive and just people sharing their own experiences and not trying to tell you what to do.

The wonderful thing about recovery and anon programs that there is always a hand reaching out to you if and when you ever need it.

Keep us posted on how you are doing...

Jody675

i met my husband when i was 18 and he was 26. we were both at university on the same course, and we eventually started dating, fell in love, moved in together. we moved to another state to work, bought a house and decided to get married. along the this journey there were so many red flags along the way to say we weren't compatible. we barely had sex, we fought constantly, i wasn't happy, we didn't have common interests, but we had a common goal. to settle get married and have kids. a month before our wedding i remember sitting under our house and just crying and wondering how i got myself into this mess. i was 25. i married him for i couldn't see any other way out. i didn't have sex with my husband for 4 days after we got married, and i never felt happy about the life we were building, but we just organised another project (lets have kids, lets build a house, lets go on a holiday, lets have more kids, build another house), anything to distract us from the problems that laid in front of us. i spent 8 years married, had 2 amazing kids, but i was never happy. a lot of those reasons were from my past, and things i needed to sort out, but at the end of the day, problems don't go away, they just get harder to leave when you have so much more to sort out.

im not sure if i had to deal with addiction (even though he was addicted to the internet and porn by the end of the marriage, which was obviously my fault as i wasn't interested in having sex with him (not!)) at the beginning of the relationship if that would have made it easier to stay or leave. it gives you a really good reason to leave, considering all the stories you have all shared it doesn't paint a great picture of happiness and love, but it also gives a person, who has co-dependency issues, a really good reason to stay, for they now have to prove their love, to have something to focus their attention (away from themselves where the real issues for themselves lie) on a problem to fix. it gives them a reason to be "the one" that made the difference, and to be the hero in the story (i was the one that made the difference and saved my partner from addiction. it was MY love that made him see the light), when i think you all know that nothing is going to do that for an addict, until THEY want it. their partner only makes it last a lot longer for they have a captive audience.

so tanya, i will never say i wasted my life with one man (for 14 years) as i had 2 amazing kids i wouldn't want to give back, but to be honest i think if they weren't part of the picture, then i would want grow up a bit and meet someone who i could love and not fix. the wedding is not going to do anything but make it harder to leave. if you aren't 100% sure now, 2 weeks is not going to make ANY difference to the situation. it took me 5 years of therapy and self development to let go of SOME of my issues that were in the marriage, and the last 8 years i have been dealing with my co-dependency issues. its not a quick fix. you have NO idea of what normal issues lay ahead, but to have addiction that rears its ugly head because your partner is stressed over getting married, wait til you add a mortgage, and kids to the mix.

good luck with it all. i hope that you will get some help to open your eyes to your own issues as well as let your partner deal with his (his way).

dragonfire613

As a conscientious observer, I just stumbled across this thread and read the whole thing through.

This is like watching a passenger train-wreck in super-slow motion.

For the love of God, some cooler heads need to prevail here.

I can't watch anymore... I can see how determined OP is... best of luck to you & yours.