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Old 07-17-2012, 02:22 PM   #61 (permalink)
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Tanya, this is not advisable. You are controlling another person and their right to self-determination. That is HIS money he earned by HIS work. I do not recommend standing between an addict and HIS OWN money. You do not understand what folks are capable of. Not to mention, you are not married to him, it is NOT YOUR MONEY, and you are stealing from him. What you are doing is wrong, no matter how justified or right you feel you are.
I agree here. My own sister who at one time I was closer to than anyone in the world held me and my infant daughter hostage in my living room with a weapon while she was high on meth. Addicts in active addiction can turn into someone you do not know and will do things you never could have imagined, especially if you stand between them and what they want.
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Old 07-17-2012, 02:38 PM   #62 (permalink)
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What you are doing though, IMO, is tipping your hand and helping him figure out better ways to lie/mislead you in the future whenever he gets caught again. Not if. When.
This is so true. When "we" (those who love addicts) start playing this game, we are engaging at their level, and actually feeding their addiction. They begin to focus on "beating" us, and when they are successful in the deception, they get a dopamine surge...just like when they use. As long as they can focus on fooling us, they don't need to look at their own behavior.

This is what I see: he is addicted to drugs...and you are addicted to him.

I don't mean this harshly, but I urge you to do some reading about detachment, and also to attend an AlAnon meeting. I think it will help ease some of your distress.
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Old 07-17-2012, 02:39 PM   #63 (permalink)
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I'm sorry you are in this situation. It is 100% your decision to stay and marry this mess. The just weed thing is well, very underestimated. But hey, free like to marry or shack up. Just be aware you are being given some very been down that road advice from people who walked your shoes and suffered years for it. 100% your decision and 100% your ownership for failure. Not 50/50 but 100% as you now know and making a decision on your own.
I wish you well and the story is already written on your life with him..
AG
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Old 07-18-2012, 10:39 AM   #64 (permalink)
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To try and answer a few questions.

We have had a very loving and great partnership, otherwise I would never have agreed to marry him, and I would no doubt not be so upset. It is the fact that he is putting everything that we have, and his own health at risk that is making me crazy mad, controlling, and generally acting like a b**ch to him.

For all of you saying boo hoo Ive taken his paycheck and it wasnít right. I donít care what is right. He deserved it, and it showed him how pissed I was, plus I need some of it to pay off those idiot contractors that we hired and get them out of our lives. No he is not hiring them back. No I donít really blame them for his spice and weed use. But for God sake they are working on our home, and that behavior is wrong. And if they hadnít been doing that boyfriend would possibly not been tempted.

Like I said, he has credit cards, he is not suffering. He can probably even get a cash advance if he is so desperate. I may have slowed him down and pissed him off, but he is not going to die. Jamming the garage door, and stealing a very personal piece of jewelry was his comeback, and fortunately after he calmed down he gave me back the jewelry, and now its long gone where he cant get to it ever again.

He has not gone to see the Dr he promised he would see. There are just no appointments this week, but he has one next week. Yeah right. We are going to marriage counseling this week still and if he bails on it then Im done.

I have now told my family, his family, and most of my friends. The overall thought is we are both nervous; which is normal. Im overreacting, and he made a couple mistakes but it is no big deal. My mom is on my side as is my aunt and best girlfriend. Even the attorney said I was probably making something out of nothing , and proceeded to tell me about how he drank like a fish for weeks before his big day, and he has been married 12 years. My brother too Ė yep got loaded many times he said. Its normal. So now my head is spinning like a top and I feel half insane, half calm because maybe they are all right.

He is acting nice and sweet, and clean and shiny. Im still angry and in punishment mode, but he seems to be taking it and trying to at least make me feel he is remorseful, and he has learned his lesson for all time.

Lets see how he reacts when he finds out about the prenup. Will not marry him now without it.
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Old 07-18-2012, 10:50 AM   #65 (permalink)
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Marriage counseling does not work when one partner is in active addiction. Been there, done that....
The addict has to be in recovery and have a nice chunk of recovery work behind him before he can work on a relationship.

Quote:
Even the attorney said I was probably making something out of nothing , and proceeded to tell me about how he drank like a fish for weeks before his big day
and
Quote:
My brother too Ė yep got loaded many times he said. Its normal.
NO. If one truly wants to get married, they don't need to use to escape that reality.
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Old 07-18-2012, 11:06 AM   #66 (permalink)
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I can't help but think what a dysfunctional relationship is.... Power, punishment, lies, showing him. Showing her. You know this is soooo telling on sooo many levels. Do you ACTUALLY think this is going to get better with a piece of paper and I DO's..... Really?????
I wish you luck and praying for some miracle.

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To try and answer a few questions.

We have had a very loving and great partnership, otherwise I would never have agreed to marry him, and I would no doubt not be so upset. It is the fact that he is putting everything that we have, and his own health at risk that is making me crazy mad, controlling, and generally acting like a b**ch to him.

For all of you saying boo hoo Ive taken his paycheck and it wasnít right. I donít care what is right. He deserved it, and it showed him how pissed I was, plus I need some of it to pay off those idiot contractors that we hired and get them out of our lives. No he is not hiring them back. No I donít really blame them for his spice and weed use. But for God sake they are working on our home, and that behavior is wrong. And if they hadnít been doing that boyfriend would possibly not been tempted.

Like I said, he has credit cards, he is not suffering. He can probably even get a cash advance if he is so desperate. I may have slowed him down and pissed him off, but he is not going to die. Jamming the garage door, and stealing a very personal piece of jewelry was his comeback, and fortunately after he calmed down he gave me back the jewelry, and now its long gone where he cant get to it ever again.

He has not gone to see the Dr he promised he would see. There are just no appointments this week, but he has one next week. Yeah right. We are going to marriage counseling this week still and if he bails on it then Im done.

I have now told my family, his family, and most of my friends. The overall thought is we are both nervous; which is normal. Im overreacting, and he made a couple mistakes but it is no big deal. My mom is on my side as is my aunt and best girlfriend. Even the attorney said I was probably making something out of nothing , and proceeded to tell me about how he drank like a fish for weeks before his big day, and he has been married 12 years. My brother too Ė yep got loaded many times he said. Its normal. So now my head is spinning like a top and I feel half insane, half calm because maybe they are all right.

He is acting nice and sweet, and clean and shiny. Im still angry and in punishment mode, but he seems to be taking it and trying to at least make me feel he is remorseful, and he has learned his lesson for all time.

Lets see how he reacts when he finds out about the prenup. Will not marry him now without it.
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Old 07-18-2012, 11:14 AM   #67 (permalink)
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This may sound silly.......but did you know that our digestive tract has more neurons in it than our brains? At least......that's what my doctor told me. So when people say "trust your gut"....there is actually a logical reason why you should do that.

Anyone who minimizes the drug or alcohol use of someone else always concerns me. A very dear friend of my son has a mother who is a late stage alcoholic. He advised my son "man.....you're not an alcoholic....I know what one looks like......you just love to party". My son holds on to that statement that minimized his addiction like it was undisputable fact and it aids him in the progression of his disease (he is now a meth and heroin addict.....along with his problem with alcohol). Minimizing does nothing but further the progression of the disease. If it's a problem for you.......it's a problem. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks (including me).

You continue to be in my prayers as you try to cope during this very stressful time. Breathe......make sure you are taking care of you first.........if you do that, all else will fall into place.

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Old 07-18-2012, 11:14 AM   #68 (permalink)
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Even the attorney said I was probably making something out of nothing , and proceeded to tell me about how he drank like a fish for weeks before his big day, and he has been married 12 years. My brother too Ė yep got loaded many times he said. Its normal.
Does the lawyer or your brother have a history of substance abuse though??

Apples and oranges here...in fact, apples are in one country, oranges in another.
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Old 07-18-2012, 11:20 AM   #69 (permalink)
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This, is not like he had a bachelor party and had some drinks and a stripper and it isn't like
he took something to calm his nerves the day of the wedding (which would be no excuse)

What he is doing will put him back to his DOC he is now an active user plain and simple.

Best of luck
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Old 07-18-2012, 11:24 AM   #70 (permalink)
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you said he took a piece of jewelry and gave it back, and now you have put it someplace long gone where he can't ever get to it again.....

I think you have lost your trust in your fiance? I hope it can be repaired because you cannot have a partnership without it.

of course your head is spinning, it's been a nightmare! you need to have some time to think.
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Old 07-18-2012, 11:42 AM   #71 (permalink)
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I have now told my family, his family, and most of my friends. The overall thought is we are both nervous; which is normal. Im overreacting, and he made a couple mistakes but it is no big deal. My mom is on my side as is my aunt and best girlfriend. Even the attorney said I was probably making something out of nothing , and proceeded to tell me about how he drank like a fish for weeks before his big day, and he has been married 12 years. My brother too Ė yep got loaded many times he said. Its normal. So now my head is spinning like a top and I feel half insane, half calm because maybe they are all right.
Did you tell them the whole truth? Does your family, his family, your friends and attorney know he was addicted to Meth?
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Old 07-18-2012, 11:59 AM   #72 (permalink)
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Did you tell them the whole truth? Does your family, his family, your friends and attorney know he was addicted to Meth?
My guess would be no but if yes obviously the people who were told need to learn about drugs.
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Old 07-18-2012, 12:06 PM   #73 (permalink)
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[QUOTE=TanyaScared;3494159]
he gave me back the jewelry, and now its long gone where he cant get to it ever again.

QUOTE]

Come on now, does this sound like a reasonable statement to make about the man you are about to pledge matrimony to?

Does your attorney or brother have a history with drug abuse & addiction? Don't you see how that makes a difference? Me going out on a couple of benders is an entirely different situation than my AH doing the EXACT same thing.

Your family "knows" - but do they KNOW the real truth about his past addictions & do they understand enough about dealing with addiction to know what this type of relapse generally means? That a ball in motion is still in motion no matter how slowly it rolls?

I wonder, are you here looking for real answers or justification to be angry & controlling? I hope you both come through this happy & healthy, I really do, but I'm failing to see how any of your solutions involve moving forward respectfully together.... from the title of the post all the way to your most recent update.

I mean this all with respect, I apologize if it doesn't come across that way.
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Old 07-18-2012, 12:19 PM   #74 (permalink)
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This may sound silly.......but did you know that our digestive tract has more neurons in it than our brains? At least......that's what my doctor told me. So when people say "trust your gut"....there is actually a logical reason why you should do that.


gentle hugs
ke
This is seriously fascinating!! I will have to read more on this, thanks so much for sharing this thought!
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Old 07-18-2012, 01:23 PM   #75 (permalink)
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call it the colon blow.
Anvilhead......that cracked me up......the description you provided of the chemical messenging that goes on in the body of an addict was incredibly illuminating. Thank you!

As most know, I have been dealing (not always very well) with our son's addiction issues for 15 years. During many of those years, I was in such a state of elevated FEAR that it caused absolute havoc with my gut. As a result of all of this incredible FEAR and WORRY, I have had all of my descending and 1/2 of my transverse colon removed--I swear that all that FEAR and WORRY damaged it.....actually causing a rupture and multiple surgeries. I don't blame my son or his addiction for this......I blame the poor management of MYSELF. This is the physical manifestation of fear and worry in my life.

This is what people are talking about when they say that living with an addict nearly killed them. It did nearly kill me. And most of the people on this forum understand this far too intimately.

I simply now refer to myself as a punctuation mark (semi-colon) and giggle.

The Gut Brain is real.......trust it.

But.....I continued the tangent......my apologies to the OP.

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ke
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Old 07-18-2012, 01:30 PM   #76 (permalink)
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Lets see how he reacts when he finds out about the prenup. Will not marry him now without it.
It certainly looks like the two of you need time to sort this all out. A prenup is not going to turn your boyfriend into a trusting, loving, non drug using partner. A marriage where you have to hide your valuables among other things is a disaster waiting to happen. Why are you intent on going forward?
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Old 07-18-2012, 01:35 PM   #77 (permalink)
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back when we were doing dope (crack) i swear we could tell when the phone rang if it was the dealer, WITHOUT caller id. and that very SOUND would trigger a violent lower GI response, we'd "jokingly" call it the colon blow. those physical cues would trigger an entire cascade of responses, to which by then our brain had associated with "ooo get crack, get high, skippity do dah!" and the pleasure centers would start firing off like crazy....IN THAT MOMENT there was no way in hell one could say NO. it was like being on an elevator at the 48th floor and having the cable snap...you were riding it out.
Jesus, you musta had to get rid of the damn telephone just to get clean then! LOL not funny but LOL
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Old 07-18-2012, 01:46 PM   #78 (permalink)
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I would not use that lawyer, thats for sure. Hmmmm... and he is doing the prenup?? and doesn't have your concerns or best interest in mind, it seems!! The lawyer I saw was very honest, very compassionate and very serious on the subject of addiction. She knew the game, I wasn't the first to walk into her office in tears.
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Old 07-18-2012, 03:00 PM   #79 (permalink)
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[I]

i remember talking to Hello-Kitty one day and going on about how hard it was to even listen to a baseball game radio broadcast with "big base hits" and "cracks" of the bat...and i asked her, when will crack just be a word again? and what she said was SO profound and changed my entire perspective....

she said "isn't it already, just a word?"

its all about how much power WE choose to give things OVER us....be we addicts or codependents or both.
Freedom. Freedom from what to others is a prison. Never having been an addict, not even to cigarettes, I am grateful none the less of my freedom. I may not appreciate my freedom as much as others who have fought to regain their freedom. It's no joking matter, that's for sure. I am hoping those words represent freedom to you today, Anvil.
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Old 07-20-2012, 05:33 PM   #80 (permalink)
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We went to the marriage counseling appointment, and I have to say it helped. I was surprised first that he came home on time and was ready to go. And then he seemed to make an effort at the appointment, but it didnt seem fake because while he took blame and admitted his addiction issues; he still held me accountable for firing the contractors and cleaning out the bank account.

The therapist made me see, that my anger is coming from fear. I wont elaborate there are lots of fears, some valid, some not.

He also did make an appointment with his own therapist for his addiction issues and it is next week. He physically went to the office and had them give him a printout of the appointment, so he had proof for me.

We are going to continue the marriage counseling for another week or two, and he is going to go to his doctor, and then we will see how things are.
I love him, and I dont want to walk away, but I do need to get my feelings out and understand my fears, and all my emotions. I need to know now is the right time. We have talked about postponing if we are not at a good place in two weeks. That gives us practically no time before our wedding and guests will not be happy, but like you all say 'if they love us, then they will understand' .

I will keep you posted. Thank you everyone for your support.
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