wicked

This is exactly what it is!
Just incredible.

Tanya,
I am so sorry. My oldest son is a heroin addict, I have no contact with him, I tell you this only so you know I have some experience here.

He went to prison for two years, came out clean and started college. He is/was a brilliant young man. That is just not mom speak, he was a math genius.

He stayed with me while attending college. First, I started smelling weed on him when he came in the apartment. I ignored it. Well practiced in denial, me. Then he started to drink. This is where I had to say no, and get out, because I am in recovery and I deserve that respect in my house.
He got back together with his old girlfriend, she is still on methadone.
He started methadone. Then within a couple weeks he was back to a heroin zombie.

Your fiance may not be using his DOC, but he is on the yellow brick road to it right now.
He is off to see the Wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz.
Every time he smokes, he takes another step in that direction.

I understand that you will do what you will do. If you were my daughter, and you told me, I would cry with relief and start making phone calls to cancel. Please do not underestimate the love of your parents, friends and family.

Beth

wicked

Oh my goodness, everything changed while I was typing.
Please do calm down.
Wow, do I know that anger, it is like a blast furnace. You are right, you cannot deal with him rationally like this.
Do you know the serenity prayer?
Keep breathing slowly, in and out, in and out.

Don't let the pot smoking saint get the best of you now.
Now that I think about it, maybe let him think everything is back to "normal."
Call your parents and let them start to handle things "behind the scenes".

Give yourself a little time to get control of yourself.
This will definitely take calmer heads to sort out.

:ghug3
Beth

TanyaScared

Thank you Wicked for telling me your story and what you have been through.

I calmed down. I guess I really did get kind of crazy the last couple of days, not that he didnt deserve the things I did, but I shouldnt sink to his level.

He came over like I knew he would. That is why he jammed the garage door, so my car would be in the driveway and he would be able to see when i was here.

He brought back what he had taken. He apologized of course. He has not been smoking anything and he is calm. We talked a little, and he keeps apologizing and telling me that I am right. That if he were me, he would be acting the same way because he would be scared for me.

I do love him so much. Its so confusing.

He is asking what can he do. I said well what do you think you need to do? Why have you been smoking addictive drugs when you know where it could lead. There is a reason. There is something wrong. Something inside that cant cope and needs comfort in getting high and being away from reality.

He said I was right, but he doesnt know what it is because he is happy, and he wants to marry me, and he loves our life.

He says that Monday he will make an appointment with a therapist who works with drug related issues, and he will get some help.

He says if I want he will go to marriage counseling and we can talk to someone together before the wedding. He says whatever I want in regards to that.

So he is here now, and Im just lost what to do, so Im not doing anything right now.

Signing off for tonight. Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. I really DO appreciate everyone taking the time to reply to me, and share your stories. I sense the compassion in so many of your words and it is really comforting. I havent told any family or friends. Well one friend who I really trust. But you have all helped me a lot and I will read again everything written here. Just need some time.

crazybabie

Tanya. I just want too send you a hug. Planning a wedding can be stressful and then this has been thrown in the mix. No matter what happens we will be here for you if you need us.

wicked

Of course you need some time.

In my experience, this is what "we" (addicts) do when any strong emotion comes along. Wait, it might not have been even a strong emotion, just anything emotional. Reality was impossible, because I was so ashamed of myself for being a drunk, and thought I was "terminally unique". The use of the word terminal is because we die if we don't lose that idea.
The more "special" you are, the less likely you are to get well, because you are sure no one could possibly understand your pain. We all know the pain, the shame, guilt, anger, but until we find someone who does understand and talk to them for help, we just shut our selves off from the world.
I see them out there, staying in the grocery store line with a case of beer at 8 am.
Hunched over in their beat up dirty car, using something, sure no one can see, because they are "special.
It is so sad. But there is recovery. Thank whatever HP you pray to for sobriety and recovery. I so hope you and your fiancee turn around and face the responsibility and with that the freedom of recovery.

Beth
One grateful alcoholic today.

FindingErica

My AH is a spice addict, claims he needs it for stress. I begged and yelled and silent treatment and even sold our home and planned a cross country move to get him to stop. He told me I was crazy, overreacting, being ridiculous, a nag...etc. when I came here I was stressed out because I was slated to move in 5 weeks to a state where I did not have a job, my AH was using heavily and unemployed. Even though he claimed to be a week clean and have a job. My life was like a train headed for a brick wall with my 3 kids along for the ride. I was scared to death, I had nowhere to live in my current state soon because our home would close. I wanted to continue with the plan to move that we had put so much time and energy into; but deep in my heart I knew I couldn't; money, effort and saving face be damned. I couldn't. I just moved into a rental home with my kids on Monday, AH doesnt have the address. My stress level is way down and life looking up. Yea it was and is a hard choice, but getting better.

The whys and the bows don't matter, that is all chatter. The fact that they choose to put drugs in their body is what counts. The day I realized that AH's drug use was not MY problem, MY problem was deciding what to do about it. He made a choice and I made a choice, and i can only control my choices and boy does it feel good and freeing.

FindingErica

My AH turned off my cell because I wouldn't give him $3k. He said I need to stand on my own two feet, even though I have been the only one working for the past 3 months and therefore the only one paying the cell bill. After 18 years of marriage, this is sad and surprising behavior. Don't underestimate an addicts rage when you stand between what they think they deserve... Drugs, money, shelter... Etc.

Sunshine2

What truly, truly counts is whether YOU want to marry HIM. Bring his children into the world, live a rollercoaster life, initially having more good times than bad and then eventually just bad all the time.

I never remarried after my divorce. My life with my XH was such a nightmare that I didn't want to risk going there a second time. If I was young again like you, having to make a decision between hell and a normal life, I know my decision would be different. Only I will never have that choice again, but you do have it now.

I hope that you will find peace and clarity.

Jody675

Tanya all the things your fiancé has said to you, was what my exAbf said to me too when we first broke up. they are very calm, and sincere, and sweet, and APPEAR VERY genuine. but as someone pointed out that i agree that i think HE HAS BEEN TESTING YOU. which is what i believe my bf was doing with me. just to see if he can get me to use to the idea of him drinking, or doing a little drugs. they make it sound alike we are the ones with the problem for making it like such a big deal. we end up feeling bad for not wanting drugs in our life, or that they use the whole, but i love you and i want a life with you. he knows that once he has that ring on your finger then it will be harder for you to leave. if you intend trying to work this out then at least consider postponing the wedding. i was married to my husband for 8 years and i knew before our wedding day that i was making a mistake, but like you, i felt that i had no choice but to walk down that aisle for all the plans had been made, and i didn't have addiction as my reason, it just didn't feel right. don't waste your life on someone who will constantly break your boundaries, and use guilt and manipulation to get his way. your story so sounds like my last bf. the only difference was is that i wasn't as deep in it, when i found out.

take your time. be strong. don't make rash decisions. tell your parents whats going on. (wouldn't you want your kids coming to you if they were in the same situation?). do what is right for you.

TanyaScared

I called an attorney today and I have an appointment set up for later this week to meet with him about the financial situation, what my rights are, and if I go through with the wedding how to go about setting up a pre-nup with him.

Yesterday he piddled around and when I reminded him about the doctor he promised to call on Monday. He started looking through papers to try to find the name of a doctor he saw years ago, and had no luck. Surprise! But then later he thought he remembered the name and he would call him.

You are right, he is acting so sweet and apologetic, and he is all to blame.

He asked me for money because I took his whole paycheck basically before he could even withdraw cash. I told him no, it was mine now for him screwing with me. I told him he had a credit card and he could get by just fine for another two weeks. He was pissed about that and I told him what - dealers wont take credit. And I told him not to go there with me, and if he goes to the dr appointment and brings me proof then I will maybe dish him out some cash.

I called around for a marriage counselor, and I found one that seems good. I set an appointment up for us this week too. I told him already and he was like ok.

Why am i so angry still? Its like I have all this hatred worked up and at the same time i feel like I am overreacting a little because it was only weed.

He is complaigning about not being able to pay the drug dealer / construction crew for our house and I told him to go find another legitiamte company to hire and he says they wont fit us in for months. And he says Im wrong and they need to finish the job or it will take forever. I know he is right about this, but damn if I give in then he wins. One win then another, and then he is walking all over me.

LoveMeNow

Spice or weed will bring back his DOC! His Meth addiction has NOT been cured. It did not just vanish!! It will always be there...waiting!!

Just the rules of addiction!!

FindingErica

Tanya you are angry because you know this isn't over and the person you thought he was, he isn't. The person you have already mingled your life with, because lets face it, though you are not married you are already financially and emotionally mingled, the person you are supposed to trust the most in the world, who is supposed to have your back, has become untrustworthy, unsafe and frankly that is frightening. I know this because that is where I am at, and I'm angry.

At least you are taking some preliminary steps. As for taking his money, don't be surprised if he doesn't start pawning posessions to get cash, or start threatening you, or steal it back. My husband would have taken every cent from me and his kids if he could, never asking once if I could afford to support them should I cough up all the cash he demands.

Thlayli

Ugh. I so hate the sentence "It's only weed." The same people could also say "...but it's legal" or "but I have a prescription" These are ways to help them fool themselves and others into thinking things are safe when they really aren't.

Legal, illegal, something that grows out of the ground, whatever excuse...it's a mind-altering substance and isn't leading anywhere productive or good.

LoveMeNow

The part I don't understand is how you can keep blaming the construction company. First of all, I seriously doubt that is where the drugs came from. Secondly, what would you have done if you "found" them in the house? There is just so much to this whole thread that just doesn't ring true to me on so many levels. (Especially because NO addict lets someone take their whole paycheck and simply say yes dear!! I will stop there!)

outtolunch

I sincerely hope one of you has the wisdom to pull the plug on the upcoming wedding date.

freedom1955

I would walk away and never come back
he choose pot and not you.

FireSprite

Yes, DITTO DITTO DITTO to this Anvil. All of your posts SCREAM control, Tanya.

You asked why you are still so angry? Because you are finally starting to realize what everyone here has been pointing out all along. YOU CAN'T CONTROL HIM. What you are doing though, IMO, is tipping your hand and helping him figure out better ways to lie/mislead you in the future whenever he gets caught again. Not if. When. The more you constrain him (access to cash, needing proof of Dr. appts kept) the more creative he will get in working around you. Do you want to be his Mommy or his Wife?

I wonder, during all of this rage, have you stepped back & read any of the stickies on these boards? Have you lurked around, reading of others experiences and truly & humbly tried to understand any links to your own situation?

Or do you believe that these situations don't apply to you & your addict? Do you really believe the construction company has any blame here? I personally doubt that they were even involved, but more like a handy 3rd party to blame it on. An avenue he figured you'd never pursue because there's no personal relationship.

And marriage? Honestly, I think you're determined to go through with it because you're more concerned with the embarrassment of cancelling so close to the official date. I think you are more concerned with the appearances than you are with the consequences of marrying an addict who refuses to identify himself AS an addict.

Personally, I think you're on slippery slope here. Consulting an attorney can help protect you financially, but how will you prepare for the emotional & spiritual erosion that a relationship with an active addict contains?

I wish you all the best, I truly hope things work out for you both.

HopefulGF65

Tanya, we are all very concerned here and you have received some great advice. Have you asked yourself (you don't have to answer here) - and be honest - what is the worst thing that would happen if you called off the wedding?

Seriously.

If, IF, it is because you are too embarrassed by what people would think, then think about what people are going to think if they find out you went through with the wedding having the knowledge that you do.

Your life is already spinning, and we all get the anger. But please, if you can't admit it here, do some serious thinking if this is how you want your life to be like going forward marrying this man? It already sounds like you're not going to accept this behavior but your taking matters into your own hands and still being with him is not going to change anything but create more chaos, depression, anxiety, anger, etc. in YOUR life.

If nothing else, be true to yourself. You deserve it!

itsthepop

Tanya,

If you havent already told your family all that is going on, please do.
I think you will be surprised in how much support they will offer you, and can help you sort out your feelings and what is best for you.

If you were my daughter, I would want her to at least (very minumum) postpone the wedding until you are able to see what is happening here.

It sounds to me like he is telling you whatever you want to hear, probably hoping to get you to walk down the aisle, and then he will slowly start going back to his normal ways, which may include his use of drugs full time.

please talk to your family.

Learn2Live

Tanya, this is not advisable. You are controlling another person and their right to self-determination. That is HIS money he earned by HIS work. I do not recommend standing between an addict and HIS OWN money. You do not understand what folks are capable of. Not to mention, you are not married to him, it is NOT YOUR MONEY, and you are stealing from him. What you are doing is wrong, no matter how justified or right you feel you are.