kmangel

I went back to look at your previous posts and I found this comment you made:

"...he said he wont get involved with AA again,. He gives them credit for helping him when he was bad with the meth bjut after a while he said it was enough , It was over and he wasnt going to be part of a cult anymore . And his sponsor he said was a control addict and too intense. He said that those programs are good for addicts because they are like addictions themselves. He said that chapter is over."

Red flag! The one thing that would have helped him fight the temptations bound to surface over time he says he doesn't need. He as an addict will always face temptation. He doesn't like AA because he doesn't want them interfering with what he wants to do with his life--use drugs.

He doesn't want to give up his addiction. He's making excuses. Don't fall for them. With his attitude it's just a matter of time before meth or something worse makes it's way back into his hands.

Kindeyes

One of the things I have learned through the years of watching my son's progressive disease is that for every one time we caught him using there were 10, 20 or who knows how many other times he wasn't caught. You've caught him twice.......do you think those are the only two times he's used since you have been a couple?

I'll fast forward through my life for you. It does not mean that your life would mirror mine, but here we go.

Married XAH because I thought I had to. Realized within six months I had made a dire mistake. Thought I had made my bed and had to lay in it....so stayed married. Got pregnant. Had baby. Realized that being married to an addict who didn't seem to think he needed to work or look after our son sucked. Divorced him. Tried to co-parent--didn't work. Didn't allow him to see said child. He began contacting child without my knowledge. Began using with said child when he was around 15. Child is now 31 addicted to meth and heroin. Got a message from XAH last year......"our son may be an addict but at least I have a relationship with him. I win."

Those of us who chose the path to proceed with marriage to someone we KNEW had an issue with drugs are simply sharing our experience. Think long and hard as you move forward. If it works out well, we'll all be very happy with you. If it doesn't, we won't say " I told you so"....we'll embrace you as you deal with it and say "we understand.....we've been there."

Good news:

Two years after divorcing my XAH I met my current husband. That was 27 years ago and I have had the opportunity to experience true, mature, healthy love and marriage. My son and XAH have been a challenge during this time but my dear husband has worked patiently with me to get through those challenges. The two marriages are a stark contrast. Without the first husband, I'm not sure I could have fully appreciated my current one. The experience of the first marriage is one I do not regret because I understand it's importance to where I am today.....but it was a hell I wouldn't wish on anyone.

gentle hugs
ke

LoveMeNow

His addiction has woken up (if it truly was ever "asleep"). Any drug use, including weed and alcohol, will activate his cravings and his DOC is only a matter of time.

If you have to drug test your partner - you already know the answer. In addition, drug testing does not work!! Even teenagers know how to beat court ordered drug testing and spice is hard to test for. The tricks are endless. (Google fake urine.) In addition, Spice is some dangerous chemicals - not for human consumption is printed right on the bag. It's considered a very addicting and a dangerous chemical. It is NOT synthetic marijuana, as so many believe.

What would you advise your best friend to do? Be your own best friend!!

Kiana

I went online and ordered a bunch of drug test kits.

Hes saying Im overreacting, and if I don’t calm down and give him some space, then HE isn’t sure he wants to go through with the wedding.

He has already been drug testing you.

Freedom1990

This could very well be as good as it ever gets.

Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?

Addiction is progressive...it always gets worse, never better, if left untreated.

TanyaScared

After I found out the work crew at the house was hooking him up, I lost it. After he deposited his paycheck into our account, I went and withdrew all of it except for ten dollars.

I also called the crew foreman yesterday and told them they were fired. I asked him what we owed him and physically went and gave him a check while my husband was at work. I cursed him out for giving my husband drugs and told him about his past use of meth. He didnt know.

I told him unless he gets money up front from my husband I was advising him not to do any more work because the money would not be coming from me and he would not get paid because I just cleaned out our bank account.

Today my husband found out about it. I knew the pisser would tell him.
I left the house, and have not been back but he went there and when I wasnt there he has been calling and texting me like crazy.

If he wants to screw with me then its game on. Hes going to be f**n sorry. I have no idea what Im going to do long run but right now all I want is to punish him

pinkdog

You have to ask yourself if this is what you want to live with. It doesn't sound like it's important to them. Hugs to you

kmangel

My question, too.

If you are still engaged, I can't imagine getting married to someone that would have me as upset before the wedding as you are now. Please talk to someone about your situation.

suki44883

You are not his mother and he is not a child. It is not your place to punish him. He has the right to live his life in any way he chooses. The only power you have is to decide whether or not you wish to marry an active addict. That is what he is, Tanya...an active addict.

RoseMadder

Your husband is the only one who control his drug use. The crew foreman is not responsible for your husbands drug use.

PrayingMama

Maybe it's just me, but I would be livid at any construction crew that was using/dealing drugs while working on my property, no matter what else was going on. Call me crazy, but I'm pretty sure that's illegal and I wouldn't be paying them anything. I'd be reporting them to the BBB or whomever.

Eddiebuckle

Tanya,

This is my perspective as someone who has been on the opposite side of your situation:

The urge to punish him is natural, but you need to understand that the root of that urge is the illusion that you can control your fiancees addiction. That is a fools errand of epic proportions. I would suggest you put your wedding on hold, and see if you an he can agree what kind of a life you want to share - at this point I would say that is defintely not the case.

The other thing I would say is that his addiction and the actions he takes as a result have NOTHING to do with you, whether he loves you, etc. He is an addict, and so long as he is in active addiction, everything else is such a distant second its as though they don't even exist. Think about his recent actions - is he acting like your marriage, house, and future are non-existant?

It is possible to recover, but you cannot do it for him and he sure doesn't seem all that interested in it right now. An don't fall for weed being not so bad, or alcohol for that matter - cross addiction is so common it's almost the rule rather than the exception.

Good luck.

TanyaScared

All I know is that he is choosing to do what he does. And he can choose to do otherwise and if he doesnt do it now, then he will fall back down into a black hole of hard drugs and he wont get out.

He did something to the garage door so it wont open. I think he wants to make sure my car sits outside so he can see when Im home.

I am still so pissed at him. He was in the house, he took the one thing that he knows is valuable and has sentimental value to me. And he left me a nasty note saying I need to get my sh*t together because this was a two way street.

He has never acted like this before.

Fandy

this is not the way to begin your life together. This is supposed to be the HAPPIEST time of your life and you WEDDING DAY is something to be CHERISHED FOREVER.

(call me a romantic, that's what i would want if I married again).

I'm so sorry for your pain and anguish, upset, frustration. Postpone everything, that way you will not lose all the $$$$...give it 6 months, think.....this must be horrible, upsetting and giving you no peace of mind.

PLEASE talk to your parents and get an attorney NOW to protect your assets...Honey, it could get so very much worse. I am so sorry for your upset. This sounds like a horrible nightmare.

laurie6781

Oh I am sure he has, but not at you. You have interfered with his drug usage and he is pissed off. Now he is going to try and 'show' you he is boss and start the manipulation process.

I am glad you are seeing this now and not after you say ""I Do". As Fandy said, get with an attorney Monday morning to protect your investment, and please discuss this
with your Mom and/or closest friend.

You know you don't have to 'call off' the wedding for good, just POSTPONE it for at least a year until you can see by his ACTIONS that he is getting his 'chit' together.

Please keep posting and let us know where you are at and how you are doing. We do care very much.

Love and hugs,

Poppy_Petal

TanyaScared- I know exactly what you are talking about, the anger, wanting to punish, going to his source, how invested you are in the life you've been working to make...all of it. And I'm exhausted just reading your posts.

I spent years and years of my life and produced children with an addict because I thought it I worked hard enough I could come out on top and I wouldnt lose everything I had invested. I couldnt and I finally cut my losses when I didnt have much left to lose. I wish you the best you sound like a fiery lady.

dollydo

I thought that you were not married to him...when did that change? Your already married and planning another wedding?

TanyaScared

We are not legally married but we live together. We have bought a house together. We have a joint bank account. We are already entangled in many ways.

Im sorry Im just so angry with him right now, and I know he is coming over here later. He will just show up and so Im trying to calm down. Because Im the irrational one, not him. Hes a pot smoking saint.

zoso77

Tanya...

There are some very, very wise words from a lot of us posted in this thread. Please take the time to read them all, if you have not done so already.

When you're done doing that, you have to get honest with yourself. And that's a very hard thing to do. You're in the thick of it now. You've just gotten a taste of what your life is going to be like going forward if you choose to accept the status quo.

God Bless,
ZoSo

Kindeyes

Tanya
There's a great acronym we use all the time in 12 step meetings and around here. H.A.L.T. It simply means STOP, don't do anything if you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Nothing good will come of a conversation or confrontation if you are feeling any one of those things.

You have a right to be angry. His foolishness is messing with your future and you have a wedding bearing down on you. You have a right be confused. His sudden departure from his "norm" was unexpected and hit you right between the eyes.

Breathe.......one of the biggest mistakes I made with my addicted exhusband and my addicted son was allowing them to get under my skin.......because then I did become the irrational one. The cooler and calmer you stay, the better the outcome will be, and the more he will stand alone in his drug use. Calm, clear headedness will work in your favor--regardless of the outcome.....even though you are very very very angry right now and have every reason to be angry.

I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a real gentle hug right now. Your frustration, fear, and anger are palpable.

gentle hugs
ke