My Recovering Addict Broke Up With Me

[peanutmm]

I am in need of some advice/thoughts anything. My boyfriend, who is a recovering opiate user and has been clean for 10 months now, just broke up with me. We just had our 2 year anniversary and he did not become an addict until about 6 months into our relationship. He has been to two in patient rehab facilities, one for 30 days and one for four months. He now resides in sober living and has for about the last four months. I have been supportive and accepting of the idea that recovery comes first. Although he has been sober for 10 months, I have never seen him in a worse place mentally, constantly discussing how he doesn't want to live, isn't happy with life etc. He mentioned that he's very sick, doesn't know whats wrong with him, doesn't know if he will get better etc. He said he need to figure out some things in his head or he believes he will die. The other day he say he didn't want to hurt me anymore and could no longer be in this relationship, he made comments like this is in your best interest, I will end up hurting you and taking you down with me etc. I asked if he thought maybe we could try again one day and he said he didn't believe so , that made me lose all hope. Im just so confused and lost because things have been better, recently kinda distant, and now this.

[TMZ]

It is recommended that they are not in a relationship for one year. So that is probably where he is getting the thought from. And it is true recovery for him comes first! Give him the time and the freedom to fix himself for now. Later things can change.

It's hard I know but it is best for both him and your relationship. That don't mean that it still can't happen. If you love someone let them go, if they come back it was meant to be, if not it never was........ It is a disease he must fight on his own. They tend to hurt the ones closest to them the most. Give him the time he needs ..........

Things are constantly changing, and so they will change again.

[LoveMeNow]

I seriously doubt he became an addict 6 months into your relationship. I wouldn't believe anything that came out of an active addicts mouth. Not a single word!!

Break ups are hard but are usually are for the best. Someday, you will thank GOD you got out as soon as did.

Tell him thank you, you're doing me a favor, I appreciate your concern and let it go!!

P.S. He will be banging your door down as soon as he has no where else to go..so be prepared to slam it shut!!

[zoso77]

Originally Posted by peanutmm

I am in need of some advice/thoughts anything. My boyfriend, who is a recovering opiate user and has been clean for 10 months now, just broke up with me. We just had our 2 year anniversary and he did not become an addict until about 6 months into our relationship. He has been to two in patient rehab facilities, one for 30 days and one for four months. He now resides in sober living and has for about the last four months. I have been supportive and accepting of the idea that recovery comes first. Although he has been sober for 10 months, I have never seen him in a worse place mentally, constantly discussing how he doesn't want to live, isn't happy with life etc. He mentioned that he's very sick, doesn't know whats wrong with him, doesn't know if he will get better etc. He said he need to figure out some things in his head or he believes he will die. The other day he say he didn't want to hurt me anymore and could no longer be in this relationship, he made comments like this is in your best interest, I will end up hurting you and taking you down with me etc. I asked if he thought maybe we could try again one day and he said he didn't believe so , that made me lose all hope. Im just so confused and lost because things have been better, recently kinda distant, and now this.

I'm sorry that you've been hurt so. But, as you yourself have noted, his recovery needs to come first.

Although I'm somewhat reluctant to say this, in a way this is potentially a blessing for you. You now have an opportunity to heal, to focus on yourself, to get stronger...if you choose to do so. You can't help him recovery any faster. You can't really help him recover at all. So, take this time and think about what's best for you.

There is always hope. There is always tomorrow. Please take care of you.

ZoSo

[peanutmm]

TMZ: I have heard that it is recommended that they not be in a relationship for a year but I also had heard that they shouldn't make any sudden huge changes, so that if they were in a relationship to get out would be a big change. I am trying to give him space and the time he needs im just worried I will never hear from him again, or worse that I will hear from someone something bad has happened. I know I can't change that at all and that what's gonna happen is gonna happen but its just hard to think thats a possibility because I feel like I wasn't given much closure.

LoveMeNot: Yes, he did become an addict 6 months into our relationship, because I know the man I knew and see the man now and looking back I see exactly when it changed. He also has a tendency to be so brutally honest that your like I didn't really need to know that. Despite the fact that I am not closed to the idea that we may both be okay, and maybe grow from this, I am not thankful for it at all. And I hope that he misses me just as I miss him.

Zoso: Thanks for your insight. I guess im just having a hard time grasping how I get in the way of his recovery because I try very hard to stay out of it and let him do what he needs to but also be there when he needs support. Is there hope, even if he made it sound like there wasn't any, even for him? I just keep praying he will find the strength within himself because I know its there, he's always been able to do whatever he puts his mind to.

[incitingsilence]

From what you wrote it sounds like he is planning on going back out. Or at the least wrestling with some thoughts that aren‘t so good to be entertaining.
I would take this for what it is and as a blessing, take his words at face value, and try to move on best you can.
If he is planning on going back out, do you really want to take that ride again?
Oh and one thing will be certain it will never make sense, it can’t it isn’t yours.

What have you been doing for all these months while he has been away. I hope you have found some sort of recovery program to work for yourself … if not, now is the time.

Be gentle with yourself.

[wicked]

I am in recovery, I have been married to it, been a child of an alcoholic and have two addicted children.
There is hope for him, but HE has to make it,
I believe as long as there is life there is hope, but it is personal.
Please put on your own air mask and get recovery for yourself, all this concentration on someone who has told you that he wants to be left alone.

I just keep praying he will find the strength within himself because I know its there, he's always been able to do whatever he puts his mind to.

I think you are talking about yourself, because this is true about you. You wish he had your strength, but he does not. If he could do what he puts his mind to, he could quit drugs. He can't.

Beth

[peanutmm]

Originally Posted by incitingsilence

From what you wrote it sounds like he is planning on going back out. Or at the least wrestling with some thoughts that aren‘t so good to be entertaining.
I would take this for what it is and as a blessing, take his words at face value, and try to move on best you can.
If he is planning on going back out, do you really want to take that ride again?
Oh and one thing will be certain it will never make sense, it can’t it isn’t yours.

What have you been doing for all these months while he has been away. I hope you have found some sort of recovery program to work for yourself … if not, now is the time.

Be gentle with yourself.

I have thought about that too and thought that it's a possibility that he may have already relapsed or is thinking about it or something bad. I told him if he relapsed I would leave and he said what if i have and i said well did you and he said that doesn't matter. If he is planning on relapsing, then i wonder if he can ever find recovery. Now he is back in town, which I think makes it harder. At one point when he was in treatment, we were not allowed to talk for a period of time and I attended meetings and read a lot.

[incitingsilence]

Nothing makes it easier, nothing makes it harder. Assignments don't help, can't help. He is capable that is for sure and always was.

You may have your answer in your own words ... If you told him you would leave if he used again, you might have been spared having to do that.

Why did you stop going when you were allowed to be in contact again? Another truth no relationship works if both sides aren't working their own end, it can't ...

You are going to have to find a way to let it go, and while I know it is hard it will be the only option that will bring you peace and sanity and freedom from the what if's, how comes, why's all based on him...

[peanutmm]

I kept going even after we could be in contact again, I went up until a couple of weeks ago when school/work got extremely busy. But I was also going to therapy once or twice a week. At one point we were going to therapy together but he said we shouldn't have to do that, I disagree I think addiction takes a huge toll on communication in any relationship but especially at a young age. I know, I am just scared to let go completely and lose all hope.

[hades]

peanutmm,

I heard the same thing from my AXBF several times during the course of our relationship. For what it's worth, he is also an opiate user. Usually it was to keep me away so that he wouldn't have to be accountable to me.

Although it was a noble and sincere thing to SAY ("You deserve more, I don't want to hurt you anymore ... I need to work on myself."), I raised an eyebrow as he is far from a noble man. I took it more like a cop-out. An excuse.

I don't have the answer, just sharing a little of what I observed and experienced.

Let him work on himself. Please take care of you and be good to yourself.

Hugs.

[hades]

Originally Posted by lovemenot

p.s. He will be banging your door down as soon as he has no where else to go..

truth.

[incitingsilence]

Glad to read you didn't totally stop getting help for yourself.

And the going together, well while addiction can/does break down communication, together doesn't tend to work until both sides heal themselves, have some conviction within knowing what they want, need. Before that it is a source of more frustration and confusion.

Hang in there.

[Pock89]

This post hits really close to home for me.
My ex boyfriend broke up with me while he was living in a sober house as well. I also stuck by him through detoxes/rehabs, and 2 months into living in the sober house, he told me that we can't be together because he needs time to work on himself.
It hurts, it's confusing, and upsetting, it feels like a betrayal. But it gets better. The more you distance yourself from the situation, the better you feel. It feels like you can breathe, and that you'll be okay.
I was a mess when it happened. I didn't eat for days, I went into complete depression. I still am struggling. But if you do want some kind of future with him later on, you NEED to give him this time to heal and you need this time to heal.
If you really believe that this is the relationship that you want, you need to understand that you're both sick, and you both need to fix yourselves before you can be in a relationship with eachother.
It may not work out, you may realize that the guy that comes out of the sober house in the future, is not the same guy you used to know.
As some kind of a warning to you though, my ex boyfriend started texting me about a week after he broke up with me worrying where I am and what I'm doing and if I'm moving on.
I'm not saying that is what yours will do, but just be prepared for it. It shakes me to the core everytime he reaches out to me.

Best of luck.
xoxo

[outtolunch]

People invest their money with the expectation there will be a return on their investment.

People invest their time and heart in relationships with an expectation there will be a return on their investment.

Investments with high risks usually offer the perception of a substantially better return on investments because the liklihood of a complete loss is constant.

Knowing when to cut one's losses is key to any investment strategy.

[NoelleR]

"...It is recommended that they are not in a relationship for one year..."

Just a clarification here..........

Actually the suggestion is to 'not get into' a relationship in the first year (this doesn't say to get out of a relationship if a person is in one); this came from the suggestion to not make any major changes in the first year of sobriety/recovery; which came from the original suggestion to not make any major changes in early sobriety/recovery.

(o:
NoelleR