Trying to find peace with Meth addict.
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Trying to find peace with Meth addict.
There was a man I was very much in love with for the past 3 years. We met, I fell in love. I wasn’t aware he was an addict of any sort. He was using cocaine off and on at the time, eventually it progressed into Meth. I knew something was off, but he was very good at hiding it. Once I found out, I left. Obviously, things between us didn’t end well. But, after rehab, moving to sober living, writing me letters of amends and remorse, I gave him a chance to stay in my life - mainly as friends. But, he’s relapsed twice - and each time he did, he turns into such a terror - even right before he’s about to use and after he’s gotten off the junk. But, I look back on his time in recovery and there still were little lies. Lies that even appear to be a bit of a dissociation. He always separated himself between the sober and the using. I knew this wasn’t healthy or responsible. This last time he relapsed, he went back hard into watching porn. I found he was looking at some disturbing subjects. Young teen porn, for example. He was extremely abusive towards me when I had suspicions. It was a nightmare. This whole thing has been a nightmare. It’s almost like he’s different every time he quits using, like it’s sucking his soul out, bit by bit. I held on to such hope, after a year of sobriety (as far as I know), that he’d recover. He did admit to relapsing again - and asked me to stay away from him, as he’s not in control, his addiction is. It’s been a major emotional rollercoaster - off and on of emotional abuse. Sometimes I feel so messed up from all the chaos. I’m currently in counseling, as I’m feeling so angry, confused, saddened, fearful. I wonder if I ever really knew him. For example, If he really is into underage girls, if he really is this monster and if drugs just take away the inhibitions. If it’s mental illness, etc. I’m not sure what exactly I’m looking for here, just hoping to find a little bit of peace from others who have been here before.
Thank you you for taking the time to read.
Thank you you for taking the time to read.
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Location: Los Angeles, Ca
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In the 2019 movie, “Beautiful Boy,” the father asks his son, "Why do you do all these drugs?" The son answers, “I don’t know why, when I tried it I felt better than I ever have, so I just kept doing it.” David Sheff (Beautiful Boy) writes in his book, "High," the main thing I realized—the big, important thing—was that the more I tried to run from all the fear and depression, the worse it all became. I had to learn that I hadn’t been chasing a feeling all that time. I’d been trying to escape my feelings.
In the movie that father had to let go before his son got help. The father stopped trying to control his son. Perhaps you need to do the same. Get off the emotional roller coaster. Stop trying to reverse your feelings of helplessness by helping him. Best of luck to you.
In the movie that father had to let go before his son got help. The father stopped trying to control his son. Perhaps you need to do the same. Get off the emotional roller coaster. Stop trying to reverse your feelings of helplessness by helping him. Best of luck to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Kennedy if there is anything I've learned through my lifetime of being in the proximity of other people's addictions, it is that I must resist the urge to take any of their behaviors personally, to accept that I cannot change them, and to stop trying to make sense of something as nonsensical as addiction.
Take good care of yourself. You will never have answers to your questions, but you will find that you are not alone in feeling the way you do. It's distressingly common, in fact.
Take good care of yourself. You will never have answers to your questions, but you will find that you are not alone in feeling the way you do. It's distressingly common, in fact.
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Thank you for both of your responses. You both gave me some sage advice. I think apart of me is working through the guilt of giving into my angry side - saying things I regret. Wondering if I should have been more understanding. It’s just incredibly hard to understand addiction and to be compassionate when there is disgust and direct hurtful actions.
Thank you both again.
Thank you both again.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
Originally Posted by KennedyR 
Thank you for both of your responses. You both gave me some sage advice. I think apart of me is working through the guilt of giving into my angry side - saying things I regret. Wondering if I should have been more understanding. It’s just incredibly hard to understand addiction and to be compassionate when there is disgust and direct hurtful actions.
Thank you both again.
Thank you both again.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by CRRHCC
My son did heroin and meth. My wife and I learned we can't control him. He ended up living on the street, we kicked him out. He did drugs to escape his feeling helpless to circumstances that he thought were beyond his control. He chose the quick fix or mood changer of drugs to reverse his feeling helpless, trapped and out of control. It started with a skateboarding fracture and pain pills and escalated. It stopped when he realized that in order to continue his addiction he was going to have to start stealing, breaking and entering houses! He had a loving and supporting family. His values trumped his addiction and he detoxed, went to counseling and stopped. That was 8 years ago. In all honesty, he is the wisest of my 4 kids now and most adults his age. All the result of his horrific experience that he survived. It's all just a bad dream now.
That is an amazing and inspiring story. I’m so sorry you and your family had to go through that- but am so happy for the way the situation turned around! Thank you for sharing..
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
Hi Kennedy,
Welcome to SR, you'll find a lot of support here.
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I also fell in love with someone who was using meth. I was beyond shocked to see how different he became when he was using. He went from being one of the nicest guys in the world to an angry, sick person. He became so sick, that by extension, I was also becoming sick. I was anxious, depressed, hurt and angry (sometimes all at once).
We are no longer together and I haven't seen or heard from him in years. One of the things that helped me was to go no contact with him. No phone calls, no visits, etc. That's when I started to see things more clearly and the fog started to lift. I also got help with counseling and and was here a lot. I read the stickies and lots of other posts.
One of the things that helped me was to forgive him. The phrase "Let go and let God" comes to mind. I turned him over to my higher power because there was nothing I could do for him that my HP couldn't do. It meant wishing him well and hoping that he finds recovery, but it also meant that I was moving on without him.
But I also had to forgive myself. There were times when I did not handle his addiction well and I said and did things that I also regret, so I totally understand your feelings on this. What I learned from that experience is to
A. Stay away from toxic people because that toxicity can spread like wildfire and
B. that even though I don't control what other people do, I can still control my reaction. That's allowed me to be a lot more careful and measured in my responses when it comes to other people and their actions.
I'm glad you are reaching out and seeking help. It was one of the best things I did for myself and it's allowed me to be in a much better place now. I hope you also find some peace and healing in your journey.
Welcome to SR, you'll find a lot of support here.
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I also fell in love with someone who was using meth. I was beyond shocked to see how different he became when he was using. He went from being one of the nicest guys in the world to an angry, sick person. He became so sick, that by extension, I was also becoming sick. I was anxious, depressed, hurt and angry (sometimes all at once).
We are no longer together and I haven't seen or heard from him in years. One of the things that helped me was to go no contact with him. No phone calls, no visits, etc. That's when I started to see things more clearly and the fog started to lift. I also got help with counseling and and was here a lot. I read the stickies and lots of other posts.
One of the things that helped me was to forgive him. The phrase "Let go and let God" comes to mind. I turned him over to my higher power because there was nothing I could do for him that my HP couldn't do. It meant wishing him well and hoping that he finds recovery, but it also meant that I was moving on without him.
But I also had to forgive myself. There were times when I did not handle his addiction well and I said and did things that I also regret, so I totally understand your feelings on this. What I learned from that experience is to
A. Stay away from toxic people because that toxicity can spread like wildfire and
B. that even though I don't control what other people do, I can still control my reaction. That's allowed me to be a lot more careful and measured in my responses when it comes to other people and their actions.
I'm glad you are reaching out and seeking help. It was one of the best things I did for myself and it's allowed me to be in a much better place now. I hope you also find some peace and healing in your journey.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
The "fog" is absolutely a thing. You really do need to step away to see things clearly. Looking back, I can't even believe the things I allowed myself to believe, and the poor treatment I settled for (for myself and for my children). I am convinced that addiction is a beast, it's almost like a demonic force that not only lies to them, but lies to us, too.
Meth does cause the libido to go into overdrive. My ex started getting into underage girls (and though I've never been able to prove it, I have every reason to believe he also molested a little boy). But who knows if it was the meth that caused this? And who cares? It's unacceptable.
The best advice I got from someone on here, back when I was determined to find out all the "why's" behind what my ex was doing, and what he was thinking:
"He's not thinking at all. He's not planning any of this. He's having fun. Wheeee! He's not considering who it's affecting, or how it will affect his own future. He's high."
Meth does cause the libido to go into overdrive. My ex started getting into underage girls (and though I've never been able to prove it, I have every reason to believe he also molested a little boy). But who knows if it was the meth that caused this? And who cares? It's unacceptable.
The best advice I got from someone on here, back when I was determined to find out all the "why's" behind what my ex was doing, and what he was thinking:
"He's not thinking at all. He's not planning any of this. He's having fun. Wheeee! He's not considering who it's affecting, or how it will affect his own future. He's high."
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
One of the things I learned here at SR was, confusion came when I was not accepting reality. When I was still trying to justify certain things in my head despite the reality of it, I felt overwhelmingly confused.
The reality is, even if it was the drugs that made him view porn of underage girls, would that be acceptable to you? Addiction is mental illness but not all addicts view porn of underage people.
The reality is, you are the one in counseling, you are the one feeling messed up from all the chaos and he’s the one off doing drugs. Maybe it’s just that you fell in love quickly with someone who was not honest with you from the beginning and when you discovered his drug issues you left which was healthy for you. Then you gave him the benefit of the doubt believing rehab, sober living and his amends were real which probably at that moment in his life were but he was unable to sustain sobriety.
The best thing you could do for yourself is continue counseling and begin to understand and accept that his addiction has nothing at all to do with you in any way, shape or form other than you became a causality of it like so many of us here at SR. Being his girlfriend or being just his friend won’t have any impact at all on his addiction. I think we often feel guilty when we leave because somewhere inside of us we really want to believe we can make that difference and they will get better, this is where that confusion takes over.
No new contact = no new hurts
The reality is, even if it was the drugs that made him view porn of underage girls, would that be acceptable to you? Addiction is mental illness but not all addicts view porn of underage people.
The reality is, you are the one in counseling, you are the one feeling messed up from all the chaos and he’s the one off doing drugs. Maybe it’s just that you fell in love quickly with someone who was not honest with you from the beginning and when you discovered his drug issues you left which was healthy for you. Then you gave him the benefit of the doubt believing rehab, sober living and his amends were real which probably at that moment in his life were but he was unable to sustain sobriety.
The best thing you could do for yourself is continue counseling and begin to understand and accept that his addiction has nothing at all to do with you in any way, shape or form other than you became a causality of it like so many of us here at SR. Being his girlfriend or being just his friend won’t have any impact at all on his addiction. I think we often feel guilty when we leave because somewhere inside of us we really want to believe we can make that difference and they will get better, this is where that confusion takes over.
No new contact = no new hurts
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by Hechosedrugs
The "fog" is absolutely a thing. You really do need to step away to see things clearly. Looking back, I can't even believe the things I allowed myself to believe, and the poor treatment I settled for (for myself and for my children). I am convinced that addiction is a beast, it's almost like a demonic force that not only lies to them, but lies to us, too.
Meth does cause the libido to go into overdrive. My ex started getting into underage girls (and though I've never been able to prove it, I have every reason to believe he also molested a little boy). But who knows if it was the meth that caused this? And who cares? It's unacceptable.
The best advice I got from someone on here, back when I was determined to find out all the "why's" behind what my ex was doing, and what he was thinking:
"He's not thinking at all. He's not planning any of this. He's having fun. Wheeee! He's not considering who it's affecting, or how it will affect his own future. He's high."
Meth does cause the libido to go into overdrive. My ex started getting into underage girls (and though I've never been able to prove it, I have every reason to believe he also molested a little boy). But who knows if it was the meth that caused this? And who cares? It's unacceptable.
The best advice I got from someone on here, back when I was determined to find out all the "why's" behind what my ex was doing, and what he was thinking:
"He's not thinking at all. He's not planning any of this. He's having fun. Wheeee! He's not considering who it's affecting, or how it will affect his own future. He's high."
I’m sure you’ve heard this a hundred times before, but I want to say that I am SO SORRY for what you experienced with your ex - and I’m very sorry your children had to experience this as well. I hope you and your family are on the path to healing.
Your story has really resonated with me, as I can very much relate with what you’ve experienced. I too, on many occasions, have referred to his addiction as some sort of possession in some way. It’s absolutely terrifying the things they’re capable of doing when in active using mode. I’ve tried to understand, but I can’t. I can’t even say that I’m religious, though I am spiritual, but it just seems like some sort of demonic possession. Never in my life have I ever been so afraid of something or someone till my ex found meth... and I never slept. If I did, I slept with a knife under my pillow.
But, truly, I’m learning that I don’t need to understand why he does the things he does. This is hard! As I’ve always been the kind of person who will research, research, research, until I have the answers. Maybe it’s spiritual, maybe it’s the drugs.. but as you said, who cares - it’s unacceptable. This is his journey, not mine.
And yes - the fog is very real. The fog of illusion, gaslighting, manipulation.. you don’t even see what it is until you fully step away for some time. (And therapy has helped tremendously).
It saddens me that there are people out there that could be this sick. It saddens me that I fell in love with one. It saddens me that I couldn’t help him - and believe me, it kills me that I couldn’t help someone I love, even in the slightest. But, I’m learning that all the love and effort I put into this has not been wasted. I’m proud of who I am.. and I’m now learning to use that same effort towards loving myself the same.
thank you again..
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Originally Posted by Sara21
Hi Kennedy,
Welcome to SR, you'll find a lot of support here.
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I also fell in love with someone who was using meth. I was beyond shocked to see how different he became when he was using. He went from being one of the nicest guys in the world to an angry, sick person. He became so sick, that by extension, I was also becoming sick. I was anxious, depressed, hurt and angry (sometimes all at once).
We are no longer together and I haven't seen or heard from him in years. One of the things that helped me was to go no contact with him. No phone calls, no visits, etc. That's when I started to see things more clearly and the fog started to lift. I also got help with counseling and and was here a lot. I read the stickies and lots of other posts.
One of the things that helped me was to forgive him. The phrase "Let go and let God" comes to mind. I turned him over to my higher power because there was nothing I could do for him that my HP couldn't do. It meant wishing him well and hoping that he finds recovery, but it also meant that I was moving on without him.
But I also had to forgive myself. There were times when I did not handle his addiction well and I said and did things that I also regret, so I totally understand your feelings on this. What I learned from that experience is to
A. Stay away from toxic people because that toxicity can spread like wildfire and
B. that even though I don't control what other people do, I can still control my reaction. That's allowed me to be a lot more careful and measured in my responses when it comes to other people and their actions.
I'm glad you are reaching out and seeking help. It was one of the best things I did for myself and it's allowed me to be in a much better place now. I hope you also find some peace and healing in your journey.
Welcome to SR, you'll find a lot of support here.
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I also fell in love with someone who was using meth. I was beyond shocked to see how different he became when he was using. He went from being one of the nicest guys in the world to an angry, sick person. He became so sick, that by extension, I was also becoming sick. I was anxious, depressed, hurt and angry (sometimes all at once).
We are no longer together and I haven't seen or heard from him in years. One of the things that helped me was to go no contact with him. No phone calls, no visits, etc. That's when I started to see things more clearly and the fog started to lift. I also got help with counseling and and was here a lot. I read the stickies and lots of other posts.
One of the things that helped me was to forgive him. The phrase "Let go and let God" comes to mind. I turned him over to my higher power because there was nothing I could do for him that my HP couldn't do. It meant wishing him well and hoping that he finds recovery, but it also meant that I was moving on without him.
But I also had to forgive myself. There were times when I did not handle his addiction well and I said and did things that I also regret, so I totally understand your feelings on this. What I learned from that experience is to
A. Stay away from toxic people because that toxicity can spread like wildfire and
B. that even though I don't control what other people do, I can still control my reaction. That's allowed me to be a lot more careful and measured in my responses when it comes to other people and their actions.
I'm glad you are reaching out and seeking help. It was one of the best things I did for myself and it's allowed me to be in a much better place now. I hope you also find some peace and healing in your journey.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m sorry you had to have a similar experience as I have. It sounds like you are healing after all the chaos and moving on to a more peaceful existence. It really is amazing how quiet things are without him around... quiet in the way that things are calm, “normal” and peaceful.
Going no contact is my MO. I haven’t one thing to say to him, and I just know after everything I’ve been through, I can’t unsee what he’s shown me. Unfortunately, I don’t know if I’ll ever hear from him again, as I usually do. But, truly, I’m just taking it one day at a time, staying mindful to my thoughts and emotions and just moving on with my life.
I am working on forgiving myself - I know, deep down, that I’m not this angry, mean person. I’ve only ever been this way with him, so I know this is my natural reaction to his actions.
You are absolutely correct when you said that toxicity from toxic people can spread like wild fire. It’s so very true. For the past year and a half, I felt that I was the one who had the problem. Not only from the gaslighting here and there, but also empathetically soaking in all of his dysfunctions and problems. I wasn’t even aware I was doing this. It’s scary, truly.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It’s helped hearing I’m not alone.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by atalose
One of the things I learned here at SR was, confusion came when I was not accepting reality. When I was still trying to justify certain things in my head despite the reality of it, I felt overwhelmingly confused.
The reality is, even if it was the drugs that made him view porn of underage girls, would that be acceptable to you? Addiction is mental illness but not all addicts view porn of underage people.
The reality is, you are the one in counseling, you are the one feeling messed up from all the chaos and he’s the one off doing drugs. Maybe it’s just that you fell in love quickly with someone who was not honest with you from the beginning and when you discovered his drug issues you left which was healthy for you. Then you gave him the benefit of the doubt believing rehab, sober living and his amends were real which probably at that moment in his life were but he was unable to sustain sobriety.
The best thing you could do for yourself is continue counseling and begin to understand and accept that his addiction has nothing at all to do with you in any way, shape or form other than you became a causality of it like so many of us here at SR. Being his girlfriend or being just his friend won’t have any impact at all on his addiction. I think we often feel guilty when we leave because somewhere inside of us we really want to believe we can make that difference and they will get better, this is where that confusion takes over.
No new contact = no new hurts
The reality is, even if it was the drugs that made him view porn of underage girls, would that be acceptable to you? Addiction is mental illness but not all addicts view porn of underage people.
The reality is, you are the one in counseling, you are the one feeling messed up from all the chaos and he’s the one off doing drugs. Maybe it’s just that you fell in love quickly with someone who was not honest with you from the beginning and when you discovered his drug issues you left which was healthy for you. Then you gave him the benefit of the doubt believing rehab, sober living and his amends were real which probably at that moment in his life were but he was unable to sustain sobriety.
The best thing you could do for yourself is continue counseling and begin to understand and accept that his addiction has nothing at all to do with you in any way, shape or form other than you became a causality of it like so many of us here at SR. Being his girlfriend or being just his friend won’t have any impact at all on his addiction. I think we often feel guilty when we leave because somewhere inside of us we really want to believe we can make that difference and they will get better, this is where that confusion takes over.
No new contact = no new hurts
Thank you you for your encouraging words..
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Hi Kennedy, sorry for the painful situation you find yourself in.
You might find the articles here helpful:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
You know, it's not irrational to want to help an addict, it's just not successful most of the time, almost never. They have to make that decision and no amount of prodding, care or love is going to get them there.
At least he admitted he is not in control and that is the truth, not that it helps you much.
We also have a Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum that has a wealth of information in the stickies section, you might want to start here if you are interested:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Also the forum is here if you want to post/read.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
and welcome!
You might find the articles here helpful:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
You know, it's not irrational to want to help an addict, it's just not successful most of the time, almost never. They have to make that decision and no amount of prodding, care or love is going to get them there.
At least he admitted he is not in control and that is the truth, not that it helps you much.
We also have a Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum that has a wealth of information in the stickies section, you might want to start here if you are interested:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Also the forum is here if you want to post/read.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
and welcome!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 39
Thank you for taking the time to share these articles and posts with me. The article you sent had some extremely valuable information on there and has helped me understand quite a bit more than before.
I do agree with you in that I am appreciative he told me to stay away and that his addiction is in control. But, this is a subject I have gotten stuck on quite often. I know in the long run, it’s best to not wonder or try to get answers, but the curiosity is still there at times - How can he not be in control of his addiction when he’s stopped before? Isn’t he and his addiction one in the same? If hes chosen to stop before and he’s chosen to relapse and stop again - isn’t he ultimately the one in control of his addiction? I believe when he told me this, all I could think of was how it didn’t seem healthy that he separates himself from having any accountability by blaming his addiction - treating it like a separate entity. I ask these question because I really don’t understand- and I hope by asking this, I don’t offend anyone, as this is not my intention. Just trying to find peace from knowledge.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by KennedyR
I know in the long run, it’s best to not wonder or try to get answers, but the curiosity is still there at times - How can he not be in control of his addiction when he’s stopped before?
I get him separating himself from the addiction, it probably does seem like a separate entity to many. It's very difficult to understand the drive that pushes addiction if you are not an addict.
Let's say you have to give up all beverages for a month, even water. After a few weeks your craving for water will start to diminish. Let's say it's not actually even going to hurt you, not having anything to drink for a month BUT you will feel thirsty all the time, like you naturally would.
How long do you think you could handle that? Probably for a few hours. Ultimately - you are in control though, but that's not very helpful. Some times you might feel more in control that others, you might even make it a few weeks, depending on what's going on in your life and how strong you are feeling about getting rid of your dependence on the substance.
That's probably somewhat akin to how they feel. Alcohol and drugs change the brain, change the receptors, the brain is saying, give me that drug, give it to me, I need it, you need, we need it and we need it now! All day long every day. Sure, a few times a day the person might be distracted but it always comes back to that "voice".
It is a psychological and physical shift. Anyway, that's my understanding of it.
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Posts: 39
Originally Posted by trailmix
I understand. It' said often here that "knowledge is power" and the more you understand about addiction the better.
I get him separating himself from the addiction, it probably does seem like a separate entity to many. It's very difficult to understand the drive that pushes addiction if you are not an addict.
Let's say you have to give up all beverages for a month, even water. After a few weeks your craving for water will start to diminish. Let's say it's not actually even going to hurt you, not having anything to drink for a month BUT you will feel thirsty all the time, like you naturally would.
How long do you think you could handle that? Probably for a few hours. Ultimately - you are in control though, but that's not very helpful. Some times you might feel more in control that others, you might even make it a few weeks, depending on what's going on in your life and how strong you are feeling about getting rid of your dependence on the substance.
That's probably somewhat akin to how they feel. Alcohol and drugs change the brain, change the receptors, the brain is saying, give me that drug, give it to me, I need it, you need, we need it and we need it now! All day long every day. Sure, a few times a day the person might be distracted but it always comes back to that "voice".
It is a psychological and physical shift. Anyway, that's my understanding of it.
I get him separating himself from the addiction, it probably does seem like a separate entity to many. It's very difficult to understand the drive that pushes addiction if you are not an addict.
Let's say you have to give up all beverages for a month, even water. After a few weeks your craving for water will start to diminish. Let's say it's not actually even going to hurt you, not having anything to drink for a month BUT you will feel thirsty all the time, like you naturally would.
How long do you think you could handle that? Probably for a few hours. Ultimately - you are in control though, but that's not very helpful. Some times you might feel more in control that others, you might even make it a few weeks, depending on what's going on in your life and how strong you are feeling about getting rid of your dependence on the substance.
That's probably somewhat akin to how they feel. Alcohol and drugs change the brain, change the receptors, the brain is saying, give me that drug, give it to me, I need it, you need, we need it and we need it now! All day long every day. Sure, a few times a day the person might be distracted but it always comes back to that "voice".
It is a psychological and physical shift. Anyway, that's my understanding of it.
I completely get what you’re saying - it makes sense to me. I understand the cravings, I even understand relapses. What I don’t understand is him saying “my addiction is in control” while sober. Isn’t he in control of making sure it won’t be in control? By getting the guidance, support and professional help? Sometimes, when I have these thoughts, I feel a sense of guilt that I wasn’t being sensitive enough to his plight. Apart of me even feels insensitive with saying this right now. I was just born with a do-ers attitude. I don’t understand how he could say he’s not in control, when he could and definitely could have done more to help himself. My mistake was only not being prepared for addiction. For some reason I thought all of his insanity, his chaos, all of this mess he was in, was a huge cry for help. But, as I’ve gotten some distance from him, I see now, he didn’t want help. For over a year in “recovery”, he never sought guidance, or professional help. He always had it all on his own. That his sober living buddies were enough. He’s ultimately the one in control of his present and future, he can change this if he really wants it- or maybe I have it wrong, I truly sometimes don’t know anymore.
I’m sorry for the situation he’s in, I’ve been feeling his pain for years. But, I can’t care anymore for a man who doesn’t really want change.
Thank you for all of your helpful advice and articles. Everyone has been so supportive and informative. I’m most appreciative!
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You're right, that is logical.
Addiction isn't logical. Whenever you are looking at it and thinking, that just doesn't make sense, just remember that.
Just because someone puts down the bottle or the needle or whatever, doesn't mean they are in recovery. They just aren't drugging themselves. Have you ever heard the term "dry drunk", it's offensive to some but you may want to google it for more information.
People don't generally become addicts when everything is going great and for those that do step over that line regardless, drugs change them. So to be sober is one thing, to seek recovery for your mind and your thought processes, to regain empathy and compassion, to start being honest and straightforward about who and what you are, to learn to deal with feelings or other challenges (like depression, anxiety, OCD) without self medicating, that's the other part of the challenge.
Since he is apparently refusing help from others, aside from his buddies, it's possible he really can't deal with anything else at the moment, it's possible everything else is overwhelming.
This part is easier to understand, that's just the way his is, some people think this way. Maybe he thinks this is his best bet? People have different takes on these things, that part is normal.
He just thinks differently than you do. Or maybe he is not actually ready to quit.
That's true and maybe he will get there, eventually. From what you have posted he's not in "recovery" and he's not "relapsing" he is in active addiction with little breaks. He has used twice that you know of, it could be more, you mention he lies. I also assume it wasn't a one time thing followed by genuine remorse but went on for a few days or weeks? Not that it matters really, it's still not sobriety.
Addiction isn't logical. Whenever you are looking at it and thinking, that just doesn't make sense, just remember that.
Just because someone puts down the bottle or the needle or whatever, doesn't mean they are in recovery. They just aren't drugging themselves. Have you ever heard the term "dry drunk", it's offensive to some but you may want to google it for more information.
People don't generally become addicts when everything is going great and for those that do step over that line regardless, drugs change them. So to be sober is one thing, to seek recovery for your mind and your thought processes, to regain empathy and compassion, to start being honest and straightforward about who and what you are, to learn to deal with feelings or other challenges (like depression, anxiety, OCD) without self medicating, that's the other part of the challenge.
Since he is apparently refusing help from others, aside from his buddies, it's possible he really can't deal with anything else at the moment, it's possible everything else is overwhelming.
I don’t understand how he could say he’s not in control, when he could and definitely could have done more to help himself.
He just thinks differently than you do. Or maybe he is not actually ready to quit.
He’s ultimately the one in control of his present and future, he can change this if he really wants it
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by trailmix
You're right, that is logical.
Addiction isn't logical. Whenever you are looking at it and thinking, that just doesn't make sense, just remember that.
Just because someone puts down the bottle or the needle or whatever, doesn't mean they are in recovery. They just aren't drugging themselves. Have you ever heard the term "dry drunk", it's offensive to some but you may want to google it for more information.
People don't generally become addicts when everything is going great and for those that do step over that line regardless, drugs change them. So to be sober is one thing, to seek recovery for your mind and your thought processes, to regain empathy and compassion, to start being honest and straightforward about who and what you are, to learn to deal with feelings or other challenges (like depression, anxiety, OCD) without self medicating, that's the other part of the challenge.
Since he is apparently refusing help from others, aside from his buddies, it's possible he really can't deal with anything else at the moment, it's possible everything else is overwhelming.
This part is easier to understand, that's just the way his is, some people think this way. Maybe he thinks this is his best bet? People have different takes on these things, that part is normal.
He just thinks differently than you do. Or maybe he is not actually ready to quit.
That's true and maybe he will get there, eventually. From what you have posted he's not in "recovery" and he's not "relapsing" he is in active addiction with little breaks. He has used twice that you know of, it could be more, you mention he lies. I also assume it wasn't a one time thing followed by genuine remorse but went on for a few days or weeks? Not that it matters really, it's still not sobriety.
Addiction isn't logical. Whenever you are looking at it and thinking, that just doesn't make sense, just remember that.
Just because someone puts down the bottle or the needle or whatever, doesn't mean they are in recovery. They just aren't drugging themselves. Have you ever heard the term "dry drunk", it's offensive to some but you may want to google it for more information.
People don't generally become addicts when everything is going great and for those that do step over that line regardless, drugs change them. So to be sober is one thing, to seek recovery for your mind and your thought processes, to regain empathy and compassion, to start being honest and straightforward about who and what you are, to learn to deal with feelings or other challenges (like depression, anxiety, OCD) without self medicating, that's the other part of the challenge.
Since he is apparently refusing help from others, aside from his buddies, it's possible he really can't deal with anything else at the moment, it's possible everything else is overwhelming.
This part is easier to understand, that's just the way his is, some people think this way. Maybe he thinks this is his best bet? People have different takes on these things, that part is normal.
He just thinks differently than you do. Or maybe he is not actually ready to quit.
That's true and maybe he will get there, eventually. From what you have posted he's not in "recovery" and he's not "relapsing" he is in active addiction with little breaks. He has used twice that you know of, it could be more, you mention he lies. I also assume it wasn't a one time thing followed by genuine remorse but went on for a few days or weeks? Not that it matters really, it's still not sobriety.
You are absolutely right, he has been in active addiction this whole time. Filled with constant distractions, new addictions (such as obsessive trading/stocks), working, etc. But he’d never see what I saw, he thought my concerns were ridiculous. “You just don’t understand me. Recovery is different for everyone. Why do you have to find something negative with this?” I’d always state, “you know who would understand you? A therapist.”
He really is in a jam - if he can’t handle facing therapy.. and really truly working recovery because it gives him anxiety, then he will always be in this cycle. But I have to say, this man is still at the top of his field in his profession, even with his sorted past. He’s been on the local news several times over the past year, but has too much anxiety over counseling? So much frustration- so much anger- so much confusion is left inside me. And with the way he left things, it definitely seems he has zero empathy left inside him. You are correct in that with treatment and professional help, he’d learn to regain this quality - I’ve tried to tell him of this benefit as well.
There was an opportunity right before he relapsed, that I had hoped would be just the thing to help restore some empathy. His young nephew was having some mental health issues. Speaking of suicide, at such a young age. My ex was going to see him over Christmas and had so many things lined up as to what he was going to say and how he was going to help. I told him he’s been through so much and seen so many things in his life, that he would be a great help to his nephew who loves him so much. I Felt this would be such a great opportunity to put someone else first, to feel helpful - but instead the minute he got into town, he used..
I really was floored. It side swiped me 100%!
To answer your question - there always seems to be genuine remorse after relapse - but his remorseful behavior never seems to last - he just sort of dulls out over time, the spark dies and he becomes and seems numb/ dead on the inside.
I need to keep remembering, addiction isn’t logical, and I won’t understand.
Thank you for listening to my rant and venting- feels good just to let it out.
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What I don’t understand is him saying “my addiction is in control” while sober. Isn’t he in control of making sure it won’t be in control? By getting the guidance, support and professional help?
The disease of addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful. Those of us who are not addicts could never fully understand it.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by atalose
It’s often said that if they are not actively working on their recovery on a daily basis than they are working on a relapse. My ex told me that his addiction was a compulsion, a need that goes beyond his ability to consciously control it. It’s like it lives in the same part of their brain that tells them to breath. And then here you have us loved ones telling them, begging them, pleading with them, bargaining with them…………….to stop breathing.
The disease of addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful. Those of us who are not addicts could never fully understand it.
The disease of addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful. Those of us who are not addicts could never fully understand it.
One of his closest friends was also a meth addict - he has been sober for 10+ years, now has a family, great job, etc. He has told me in the past that he’s a grown man, that I have to let him go until he really wants it - otherwise there’s nothing anyone can do. I think about his situation sometimes - wondering if my ex could ever get to that same place of really staying sober and having a healthy lifestyle.
Sometimes the situation of an addict can bring me down to a terrible place of dispair - how trapped they must feel. How much I want to help - but it’s not my place to fix his life.
Thank you for taking the time to respond.
Youre right, us as nonaddicts won’t ever understand, and that in itself is a blessing.
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