A letter to my boyfriend
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Southeastern MA
Posts: 149
L2L, thank you - the more I think about it, I guess I did have that attitude that I had my life more "together" and that would be the reason I could fix things. Boy was I way off base in all ways.
But now that I have separated myself from the situation, even the last week or so when we've talked (he has been living there in another room 'til today), when he would say something negative, I wouldn't react like I used to when I was caught up in it all. After I go through the myriad of emotions that I listed above, it always comes back to feeling sad for him - not sorry as you pointed out and that I used to feel - but a genuine feeling that it hurts my heart to see him suffer and be so lost. I have been humbled in all this knowing I contributed in my own twisted way to his addiction but feel stronger now. I have a long way to go, lots of healing to do for sure, but when I pray, I pray that he finds his way because I just can't imagine being as miserable as he is.
But now that I have separated myself from the situation, even the last week or so when we've talked (he has been living there in another room 'til today), when he would say something negative, I wouldn't react like I used to when I was caught up in it all. After I go through the myriad of emotions that I listed above, it always comes back to feeling sad for him - not sorry as you pointed out and that I used to feel - but a genuine feeling that it hurts my heart to see him suffer and be so lost. I have been humbled in all this knowing I contributed in my own twisted way to his addiction but feel stronger now. I have a long way to go, lots of healing to do for sure, but when I pray, I pray that he finds his way because I just can't imagine being as miserable as he is.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Hopeful, I'm sorry that this reply is late but I have been following the thread. At one point, I could have wrote your letter myself. But I didn't. Now imagine your ex getting this letter (I hope he moves out), and he's struggling to stay sober, and every single day he struggles to stay sober and all he can think about at all hours of the day is drinking (or drugging... or whatever). Then he gets a letter listing all the awful things he did to someone else while drunk/high. He drinks or drugs to avoid "dealing" with things. So now that he's got this letter the ONLY thing he wants to do is NOT deal with it. So he gets angry because you've just given him that tiny bit of stress that would be the perfect excuse to drink/drug.
HOWEVER... you don't deserve this guy. You deserve better than this guy. Why? Because relationships are about compromise and care of another person's feelings and this guy is not able to do any of that. He doesn't even deserve himself. You have been doing all the compromise and care the WHOLE time for another person without fair returns. Yes, you can have compassion for him. You can pray for him. But you still need boundaries. If those boundaries include total no contact and saying "goodbye forever" then so be it. There are people I love and will always love but have departed this world forever. I never got to say goodbye. I have no contact with them... but then again, I can't. You can't have a relationship with everyone you love (or try to love). Personally, I did not say "goodbye" to ExAh because it would have been like saying goodbye to a zombie. By the time it got so bad that I had to leave, he was literally not the same person I had started the relationship with -- there was nothing left in him that was visibly good. I hope that one day, he will heal and become the "good" person I thought he was, if he ever was that person, assuming it wasn't just an act (which I think it was... but hope it wasn't). But I will not stick around for that day. Because I don't have an infinite number of years to live on this planet. I don't want to leave it and be one of those people no one said "goodbye" to.
I hope you are feeling better today.
As for the money... I think you have figured out you won't get it back. I had money owed to me too. Thousands of dollars. I left with $500 to my name. I had nothing else. He would have never paid me back because every time I lent him money he would pay it back and then ask to borrow some more (an even larger sum) because "now I don't have money for anything because I just paid you back, so I need to borrow money from you". So I just ended up giving him back the money he took and then some. I cut my losses while I still had $500. I was in my 40s with only $500 in savings. There will be no retirement for me now as I own no home -- I will have to work until I die. The longer you stay, the harder it is to fix your life when you leave because you will be older when you leave and you will... have... less. Unless you are a very wealthy person -- scratch that, I actually heard that Johnny Depp is in debt $40 million because of his alcoholism.
It may be very difficult while you are grieving, but try to have a "love rehab program" for yourself. Steps are:
1. Every day eat a minimum of two meals and maximum of three containing fruit, veggies, a starch or a protein.
2. Do not snack.
3. Do not drink or drug. Water or tea or coffee is okay. Do not booze. Green tea is really nice.
4. Every day, bathe or shower and clean your teeth.
5. Do one type of exercise every day.
6. Call a friend or family member or speak to a colleague every second day so you don't go nuts and you have support.
7. If you have pets or children, put them first.
8. Try to do ONE productive thing every day while you are grieving. Clean or mend something or organize something. One small productive thing.
9. Take 20 minutes to an hour every day for yourself -- you can journal, cry, or watch a rom-com or whatever you like. If you have kids, you will have to do this when they are in bed.
10. Every time you feel like you're about to lose your mind, use a mantra: "I am worthy" or the serenity prayer.
I know someone who took up baking bread (by hand, not with a bread machine) to get over a divorce. Flour, oil, and yeast are not terribly expensive and the baked bread aroma is therapeutic. Also, she gave a lot of fresh loaves to neighbors and made some new friends.
HOWEVER... you don't deserve this guy. You deserve better than this guy. Why? Because relationships are about compromise and care of another person's feelings and this guy is not able to do any of that. He doesn't even deserve himself. You have been doing all the compromise and care the WHOLE time for another person without fair returns. Yes, you can have compassion for him. You can pray for him. But you still need boundaries. If those boundaries include total no contact and saying "goodbye forever" then so be it. There are people I love and will always love but have departed this world forever. I never got to say goodbye. I have no contact with them... but then again, I can't. You can't have a relationship with everyone you love (or try to love). Personally, I did not say "goodbye" to ExAh because it would have been like saying goodbye to a zombie. By the time it got so bad that I had to leave, he was literally not the same person I had started the relationship with -- there was nothing left in him that was visibly good. I hope that one day, he will heal and become the "good" person I thought he was, if he ever was that person, assuming it wasn't just an act (which I think it was... but hope it wasn't). But I will not stick around for that day. Because I don't have an infinite number of years to live on this planet. I don't want to leave it and be one of those people no one said "goodbye" to.
I hope you are feeling better today.
As for the money... I think you have figured out you won't get it back. I had money owed to me too. Thousands of dollars. I left with $500 to my name. I had nothing else. He would have never paid me back because every time I lent him money he would pay it back and then ask to borrow some more (an even larger sum) because "now I don't have money for anything because I just paid you back, so I need to borrow money from you". So I just ended up giving him back the money he took and then some. I cut my losses while I still had $500. I was in my 40s with only $500 in savings. There will be no retirement for me now as I own no home -- I will have to work until I die. The longer you stay, the harder it is to fix your life when you leave because you will be older when you leave and you will... have... less. Unless you are a very wealthy person -- scratch that, I actually heard that Johnny Depp is in debt $40 million because of his alcoholism.
It may be very difficult while you are grieving, but try to have a "love rehab program" for yourself. Steps are:
1. Every day eat a minimum of two meals and maximum of three containing fruit, veggies, a starch or a protein.
2. Do not snack.
3. Do not drink or drug. Water or tea or coffee is okay. Do not booze. Green tea is really nice.
4. Every day, bathe or shower and clean your teeth.
5. Do one type of exercise every day.
6. Call a friend or family member or speak to a colleague every second day so you don't go nuts and you have support.
7. If you have pets or children, put them first.
8. Try to do ONE productive thing every day while you are grieving. Clean or mend something or organize something. One small productive thing.
9. Take 20 minutes to an hour every day for yourself -- you can journal, cry, or watch a rom-com or whatever you like. If you have kids, you will have to do this when they are in bed.
10. Every time you feel like you're about to lose your mind, use a mantra: "I am worthy" or the serenity prayer.
I know someone who took up baking bread (by hand, not with a bread machine) to get over a divorce. Flour, oil, and yeast are not terribly expensive and the baked bread aroma is therapeutic. Also, she gave a lot of fresh loaves to neighbors and made some new friends.
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