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Old 03-17-2012, 10:36 AM   #1 (permalink)
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should recovering addicts be friends with eachother

i have a question - my boyfriend is a recoverng drug addict. and we dont seem to agree on this answer.

he went to rehab and met a few people obviously and now he is home and in an out-patient group and has met more people. the people have given him their number and whatever. i feel that a recovering drug addict shouldnt associate with recovering drug addicts for the simple fact that if a criminal comes out of jail he cant associate with felons. isnt it the same thing?
do you think he is right? he then said that if he hangs out with them i would be going and meeting new people, but i dont think those are the people id like to meet. am i wrong?

please help
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Old 03-17-2012, 11:06 AM   #2 (permalink)
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i feel that a recovering drug addict shouldnt associate with recovering drug addicts for the simple fact that if a criminal comes out of jail he cant associate with felons. isnt it the same thing?
Birds of feather flock together.

Recovering addicts working recovery programs together often include felons. It's strongly encouraged, supported, and often a condition of parole or probation.

Instead of focusing on and interfering with his recovery program, how about focusing on starting your own?
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Old 03-17-2012, 11:17 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Being a recovering addict myself as are many others on this board who I'm sure will also chime in...YES, it is essential to have other friends in recovery because they understand exactly what you're going through while "normies" or co-dependents don't, despite however much they think they do. Recovering addicts are a good influence generally as they have the same goal as your boyfriend - getting and staying clean/sober, turning their lives around, and making amends to those they have hurt through their addiction. Recovering addicts have friends in recovery because they can mutually support each other in ways that normies or co-dependents simply cannot do.

Chino has some sound advice--not only do drug addicts have to recover, but so do their family members from all the traumas they may have endured at the hand of addiction. Read around on these boards, you'll find a lot of helpful info.
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Old 03-17-2012, 12:15 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi KrisMarie

Listen to Chino and SpeedyJason, they are correct. I am in a recovery program and I am so thankful for all the friends I have met who are also in recovery.

If anything this will help your boyfriend. If you love him try to be supportive and maybe look into going to a support group of your own as Chino said.

I know it must be hard as you might feel threatened by his new life/friends but wouldn't you rather him have friends that understand him instead of him feeling alone and possibly relapsying.

I plan on going to my first meeting next Thursday but maybe you should go with him? I'm not sure if that's allowed but if you go it might open your eyes and you will see his new friends in a different light.

Most recovering addicts are the nicest people out there because they are non judgemental. Give his new friends a chance, who knows! you might end up really liking them.

Take Care!
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Old 03-17-2012, 12:25 PM   #5 (permalink)
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If it wasn't for the multitude of friends I've made over the past 25 years in the rooms of recovery (NA/AA), I have no doubt I wouldn't have stayed clean/sober.

A huge part of my recovery is giving back by reaching out to others who are new or hurting in recovery because that kind of support was freely given to me when I was new, scared, and hurting.

I really do hope you get to some Naranon or Alanon meetings for yourself. You are just as I was at that young age. I ended up completely losing myself after compromising my values and morals for someone else.
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Old 03-17-2012, 12:29 PM   #6 (permalink)
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i am definitly looking into going to a nar-anon meeting. i am just nervous to go alone, not sure what to expect.
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Old 03-17-2012, 12:56 PM   #7 (permalink)
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i am definitly looking into going to a nar-anon meeting. i am just nervous to go alone, not sure what to expect.
Hon, you don't have to do anything but sit there and listen. I understand the being nervous over a first meeting. I think you will be glad that you went.

Sending you hugs of support.
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Old 03-17-2012, 12:58 PM   #8 (permalink)
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i am definitly looking into going to a nar-anon meeting. i am just nervous to go alone, not sure what to expect.
It is hard to walk into a meeting the first time alone. But remember that everyone in that room understands you in a way that others cannot. They can be a tremendous source of experience, strength and hope for you.

And the meetings may seem a little strange to you at first.......keep on going......with time comes clarity and a bond with others who understand first hand what it's like to live with or love an addict.

As your loved one goes to his meetings and you go to yours, you may find that it is helpful to understand the language of a 12 step program.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 03-17-2012, 01:07 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I'm glad you're going to a meeting. Think of it like SR, but with f2f people.

As a recovering addict and a recovering codie, I need other recovering people in my life. I have no doubt, whatsoever, that I would not have just passed my 5-year recovery birthday if it were not for the support I've gotten from other recovering people.

It's not just the addiction..I was a raging codie, have 3 XABF's and was always focused on "fixing" other people and their situations. I got to the point I didn't even know who I was without someone else to focus on. It's taken me time to realize that people are going to do what they're going to do...addiction or not. The only person I have any control over is me.

Oh, and just an FYI - I had a felony (it was first offender so I don't have one now), I was a streetwalking crackhead, jumping into cars with strange men...homeless, etc. If you read anything by me on this forum, you will see that I'm no longer that person. That chapter of my life is closed, as long as I continue to work recovery.

Hugs and prayers,

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Old 03-17-2012, 01:12 PM   #10 (permalink)
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amy,
i am happy you have changed for the better. i give you all the credit in the world because i am learning that the recovery process is a life-going process.

im very nervous about going to my first meeting but ive done a little googling about it and i think it might help to hear other peoples stories. i just dont want to talk the first few meetings until i am comfortable so i hope thats okay.
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Old 03-17-2012, 01:58 PM   #11 (permalink)
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you actually made a valid point. i guess being friends with the people he meets in RECOVERY might be a good thing. i guess i was looking at it the selfish way and not the big picture. it will be good for him to make friends with people who all have the same goal, to get better. i guess my opinion with this was because before he went away he was in out-patient and when he would come out of the meeting he was able to buy pills from the same people that were just in the out-patient meeting. i guess i just felt like hed do the same thing this time. only time will tell but hopefully they are good people and they help him during his struggle since they too can relate to him.
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Old 03-17-2012, 02:14 PM   #12 (permalink)
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You don't have to say a word at meetings. I used to go to AA meetings, didn't talk for quite a while, but I listened and that helped...a lot. So did the "meetings after the meetings" when people would just hang around and chat...I was much more comfortable then, but that led to being more comfortable iN the meeting.

As far as recovery? It IS a lifelong thing...be it addiction or codependency. In time, you'll learn to focus more on YOU than what he's doing, who he's doing it with. Quite honestly, his recovery is all his, as is yours.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 03-17-2012, 03:49 PM   #13 (permalink)
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My son is in early recovery and has great relationships with several people he went through rehab with. They have developed a great support system and make time to get together to socialize in "sober" ways that isn't that easy when you are a 22yr old college student(s).

He tells me frequently how important it is to spend time with people who are going through similar issues and that their non-judgemental attitude is essential to his recovery. Besides they are great at keeping meeting going a priority....showing up and driving each other and calling each other on any laziness they exhibit around not going.

I am grateful to them all - have met a few of them and find them all very inspiring and greatly appreciate their courage in facing their issues and pursuing their recovery.

The support we all find here on this forum and in our meetings with those going through similar situations is very much the same...no?
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Old 03-17-2012, 04:31 PM   #14 (permalink)
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yep...hanging out with other people in recovery...absolutely! it's called fellowship, and I'll let you in on something amazing...conversations are often about things like: integrity, honesty, willingness, openness, spirituality, forgiveness...etc etc

in my humble opinion I think recovery people are awesome!!!!!!!

I'm one of them, and I loved it when my ex had his solid fellowship going on. it's a GREAT sign of recovery happening!

it's also kind of natural for loved ones to become a little hurt or "jealous"
it's a great opportunity for you to stretch your wings in your own relationships other than him, and to make new ones maybe in recovery yourself...you may find that you NEED that kind of relationship because others understand
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Old 03-18-2012, 07:07 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Question

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Originally Posted by krismarie212 View Post
i have a question - my boyfriend is a recoverng drug addict. and we dont seem to agree on this answer.

he went to rehab and met a few people obviously and now he is home and in an out-patient group and has met more people. the people have given him their number and whatever. i feel that a recovering drug addict shouldnt associate with recovering drug addicts for the simple fact that if a criminal comes out of jail he cant associate with felons. isnt it the same thing?
do you think he is right? he then said that if he hangs out with them i would be going and meeting new people, but i dont think those are the people id like to meet. am i wrong?

please help
This is a very good thread; and I have a question that has puzzled me since I first came to SR and was told about the benefits of addicts in recovery forming close social friendships, along with working their 12 step program together.

My question is not meant to criticize this concept; as it seems to work for many…. But I don’t fully understand the premise as it seems to highly conflict with other things Ive been told here on SR.

When I first arrived at SR I was advised at how high relapse rates were; warned about staying in a relationship with my BF because the odds were stacked against him ever finding long term recovery.

Do most of you agree with this?

For those that do believe relapse rates are high and long term recovery is rare…. How does it make sense for those in recovery to spend so much time together with others that are in recovery when they each have a strong probability for failure?

My thought process is that this is a dangerous set up

I get that addicts in recovery have to learn to deal with people and situations, and learn to say no to drugs on their own behalf…. But the concept of isolating themselves WITH ONLY or PRIMARILY WITH other recovering addicts seems misguided to me. I can better understand their relationship in terms of attending meetings and limiting their contact to actual therapy settings where open discussion could have benefits.

I also understand addicts often end up surrounded by other addicts before they quit; so in this case they may have no friends left that are clean… in this case; I guess recovering addicts are a better choice for socialization. Like this is the best choice within a bad set of options.

And I also understand that recovering addicts often feel guilt and shame , feel like they cannot be accepted by non addicts; however seems like this is something that should be worked on; the goal would be to overcome this mentality. This structure seems to validate that thought process. It doesn’t seem healthy to embrace the concept birds of a feather flock together…..not if their success rates are so low.

And if you disagree that success rates are low; then why is there so much negativity around having a relationship with a recovering addict?

It all just seems contradictory to me.

Again, Im not looking to start an argument – Im just trying to understand; and when I see contradictions in theory…it makes me distrust this whole concept. So if anyone can explain away these concerns that I have; Id appreciate it.
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Old 03-18-2012, 07:26 AM   #16 (permalink)
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"the concept of isolating themselves WITH ONLY or PRIMARILY WITH other recovering addicts...

recovering addicts often feel guilt and shame , feel like they cannot be accepted by non addicts"


I don't know where you're getting this Kelley, I think you are confusing people who are in recovery and those who are active in addiction.

people who are in recovery "IN" recovery have usually processed through shame and guilt, are not isolated, and are often even grateful for having survived the disease...people who are in recovery are probably the best suited to assist a struggling addict with seeing through their own deceit and manipulation...because if they are struggling with recovery that is most likely occurring. in recovery circles we hold each other accountable and can see the mental/emotional/spiritual symptoms, often where others cannot see it or do not understand it, or have simply been too hurt to have much more patience or tolerance for it...

fellowship in recovery is a great form of long term sustainable health.

it's easy to imagine if you just look at yourself on this site
WE are a form of fellowship, are WE are isolated on this site?, WE are not prone to relapse due to the fact that we are here to support each other! and there are plenty of people here that, if we were in the same city I would be looking to meet for coffee and maybe "cheesecake"!

I hope you know, that even with our history I am not arguing with you...I am in recovery and hope to share a little insight
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Old 03-18-2012, 07:31 AM   #17 (permalink)
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ps...I have many friends who are not "in recovery"...I have three friends coming over for our monthly group brunch date this morning. yes, I have strong friendships in recovery and we share our conversations about life and recovery...and I have my "normie" friends who I share conversations with about life and recovery too...

its a both/and not either/or
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Old 03-18-2012, 08:05 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Quote:
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i have a question - my boyfriend is a recoverng drug addict. and we dont seem to agree on this answer.

he went to rehab and met a few people obviously and now he is home and in an out-patient group and has met more people. the people have given him their number and whatever. i feel that a recovering drug addict shouldnt associate with recovering drug addicts for the simple fact that if a criminal comes out of jail he cant associate with felons. isnt it the same thing?
do you think he is right? he then said that if he hangs out with them i would be going and meeting new people, but i dont think those are the people id like to meet. am i wrong?

please help
No it is not the same as felons. It's more like cancer victims helping one another through there disease. Remember this is a disease and it affects the brain ( and other parts of the body.)

It is better for them to hang out with a recovering addict than there old friend addicts, is it not.
The RA understand one another better than us normies do and they know when there slipping. They willcall them on it and help them stay clean.

Go to Nar-Anon You might be nervous but once your in there you will be fine. You don't need to share unless you feel like it. I always leave the meeting feeling better.

I also say attend a NA meeting with your ABF (Just one with him, you don't want to interfere with his anonymity and his sharing) You can attend another one a few times if you want to , but I always recommend NA so you get a new outlook on someone that is working the program. That way you meet some Recovering Addicts. For they are RA for the rest of there life.
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Old 03-18-2012, 08:18 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Leslie,

Thank you for your reply. I have no hard feelings really. I actually wish we could meet face to face for cheesecake because I bet if we talked in person it would do away with a lot of the misunderstanding we've had in the past.
Your replies to my questions are always welcome. Have a good brunch with your friends today.
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Old 03-18-2012, 08:27 AM   #20 (permalink)
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No it is not the same as felons. It's more like cancer victims helping one another through there disease. Remember this is a disease and it affects the brain ( and other parts of the body.)

It is better for them to hang out with a recovering addict than there old friend addicts, is it not.
The RA understand one another better than us normies do and they know when there slipping. They willcall them on it and help them stay clean.

Go to Nar-Anon You might be nervous but once your in there you will be fine. You don't need to share unless you feel like it. I always leave the meeting feeling better.
M
I also say attend a NA meeting with your ABF (Just one with him, you don't want to interfere with his anonymity and his sharing) You can attend another
one a few times if you want to , but I always recommend NA so you get a new
outlook on someone that is working the program. That way you meet some
Recovering Addicts. For they are RA for the rest of there life.

TMZ,

Maybe I should have included the phrase " early recovery" into my question. Meaning the first two years as ive been told.

See i don't see it being at all like any other type of situation.
Cancer patients cant trigger another person.
I understand the part of meetings and discussion; and if your saying that these friends are just a part of the newly recovering persons social group; so they still are encouraged to socialize and be with non-addicts on a larger scale; I get this. But a group of new people in early recovery seems like still a mix for disaster if the premise is relapse rates and honest to goodness attempts at sobriety are rare.

This is really just a question that has tugged at me since i came to SR.
My BF doesn't use the 12 steps so be doesn't do meetings with NA or the like.

So it's really just for my knowledge that I'm trying to grasp this concept.
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