My boyfriend is a heroin addict
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Dear Pock,
Look to yourself to find patience, insight and understanding on this one. In our situation...addiction/codependency/relationship it is probably quite natural to "expect" an apology. Here are a few pointers from my E, S & H: expectations can lead to resentment; expecting an apology before the other person has really done some exploration around the need for said apology means that you might end up forcing a premature, shallow apology...and then the deeper work and understanding get band-aided with "your need" for an apology.
Also, pay heed and seek understanding on cynical one's post...as you continue to do YOUR work, you will discover that YOU have some apologies to make.
When one person in recovery asks another person in recovery about this sort of apology... it can be what is referred to as "taking someone else's inventory"...instead of cleaning up your own side of the street. It's easy to focus on HIS apology.
Also, look into the idea that your fear of his relapse may have hidden somewhere in it a fear of his successful recovery...maybe, just maybe.
Look to yourself to find patience, insight and understanding on this one. In our situation...addiction/codependency/relationship it is probably quite natural to "expect" an apology. Here are a few pointers from my E, S & H: expectations can lead to resentment; expecting an apology before the other person has really done some exploration around the need for said apology means that you might end up forcing a premature, shallow apology...and then the deeper work and understanding get band-aided with "your need" for an apology.
Also, pay heed and seek understanding on cynical one's post...as you continue to do YOUR work, you will discover that YOU have some apologies to make.
When one person in recovery asks another person in recovery about this sort of apology... it can be what is referred to as "taking someone else's inventory"...instead of cleaning up your own side of the street. It's easy to focus on HIS apology.
Also, look into the idea that your fear of his relapse may have hidden somewhere in it a fear of his successful recovery...maybe, just maybe.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
I think you are expecting a done and over thing and it won’t be. It will take him a long time to see if and where his thinking isn’t right, who he hurt and how … he will go through many stages of learning as he is working on himself… and the learning will be on his time line, not anyone else's.
You really have your focus on the wrong person…And for as much as you seem to want him to do the work, and get well NOW … when might you start working on you?
You really have your focus on the wrong person…And for as much as you seem to want him to do the work, and get well NOW … when might you start working on you?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
Honestly, a verbal apology would be irrelevant to me. I don't know whether that's because I'm used to being told 'YOU want ME to apologise?! Who do you think you are? Get over it'.. But actions speak much louder than words. Is he in 12 step? I assume when he reaches step nine he will make amends in whichever way he decides is appropriate. But expecting an apology won't achieve anything and will just make you feel resentful.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 134
He's going to AA and NA meetings every night. He goes 7 nights a week.
I can see that he is working his program and he's definitely changing and growing and things are going really well for him.
I'd rather SEE that he's changed, than have him just telling me. However, I can't help but find myself feeling almost ripped off! I feel as if, he caused complete chaos in my life, took me on a rollercoaster through hell, and is now doing fine and everything is going well for him but I'm just left with these awful memories and scars from what has happened.
Has anyone ever felt like this, in early recovery? My emotions change almost everyday. It's exhausting.
I can see that he is working his program and he's definitely changing and growing and things are going really well for him.
I'd rather SEE that he's changed, than have him just telling me. However, I can't help but find myself feeling almost ripped off! I feel as if, he caused complete chaos in my life, took me on a rollercoaster through hell, and is now doing fine and everything is going well for him but I'm just left with these awful memories and scars from what has happened.
Has anyone ever felt like this, in early recovery? My emotions change almost everyday. It's exhausting.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Great! He is getting the support, encouragement, perspective and tools he needs to start and continue upon a life long journey of recovery. Are you?
At this point your future is spotless. It is going to take a lot of hard work, a lot of commitment, a lot of SUPPORT (!), leaps of faith, encouragement and love and laughter and forgiveness and introspection and service to others...the list goes on and on and on.
The list is a description of life. A constructive life, filled with connection and spirit.
The chaos, the scars, the hurt, the memories of pain...that is all part of YOUR life. You two created those together. Depending on where you are at in your recovery it will either make sense or not to hear that statement. Moving forward in recovery can be scary because the status quo balance of your relationship starts to shift.
You need to do the work you need to do to heal and be as healthy as you can for you.
You will need to forgive yourself for allowing the scarring to happen too. Recovery is a deep, complex, living, soulful wild place to be and to grow from.
Of course it is natural to be "like, wait a minute! why does he get off 'scott free' and get all the love and attention..."
Let me tell you that he will be delving into every scar, every moment...if he stays in recovery and grows he will encounter every moment of his life and come to reckoning with it...clearing his mind, heart and soul of the pain he has been part of. He will be healing from his disease as he does so.
Your needs, your fears...they can make demands that can disrupt the process, get in the way...etc etc. This is why so many people suggest "no relationships the first year". (!!!) ANYONE involved in the "system of an addiction" benefits themselves and the addict by gathering support and resources for their own recovery from the addiction/dysfunction. But if you are a romantic partner it is pretty much essential!! This is why I mentioned the taboo of "fear of his recovery"...a partner can feel left in the dust/out of balance/cheated out of holding the purse strings on guilt.
You are going to be okay pock! You're reaching out and asking the questions you need to ask, you are being honest!! Kudos to you!! Keep working on yourself, you are so worth it! Get all the support you can find, you are at the beginning of a great journey.
At this point your future is spotless. It is going to take a lot of hard work, a lot of commitment, a lot of SUPPORT (!), leaps of faith, encouragement and love and laughter and forgiveness and introspection and service to others...the list goes on and on and on.
The list is a description of life. A constructive life, filled with connection and spirit.
The chaos, the scars, the hurt, the memories of pain...that is all part of YOUR life. You two created those together. Depending on where you are at in your recovery it will either make sense or not to hear that statement. Moving forward in recovery can be scary because the status quo balance of your relationship starts to shift.
You need to do the work you need to do to heal and be as healthy as you can for you.
You will need to forgive yourself for allowing the scarring to happen too. Recovery is a deep, complex, living, soulful wild place to be and to grow from.
Of course it is natural to be "like, wait a minute! why does he get off 'scott free' and get all the love and attention..."
Let me tell you that he will be delving into every scar, every moment...if he stays in recovery and grows he will encounter every moment of his life and come to reckoning with it...clearing his mind, heart and soul of the pain he has been part of. He will be healing from his disease as he does so.
Your needs, your fears...they can make demands that can disrupt the process, get in the way...etc etc. This is why so many people suggest "no relationships the first year". (!!!) ANYONE involved in the "system of an addiction" benefits themselves and the addict by gathering support and resources for their own recovery from the addiction/dysfunction. But if you are a romantic partner it is pretty much essential!! This is why I mentioned the taboo of "fear of his recovery"...a partner can feel left in the dust/out of balance/cheated out of holding the purse strings on guilt.
You are going to be okay pock! You're reaching out and asking the questions you need to ask, you are being honest!! Kudos to you!! Keep working on yourself, you are so worth it! Get all the support you can find, you are at the beginning of a great journey.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Pock,
His addiction preceded and has nothing to do with you. The risk of relapse has not not changed since you first met. He did not relapse at you. This was not personal. He is not reponsible for your emotions.
His addiction preceded and has nothing to do with you. The risk of relapse has not not changed since you first met. He did not relapse at you. This was not personal. He is not reponsible for your emotions.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Gilbert, AZ
Posts: 22
WOW. Pock, i very much feel the same roller coaster of emotions from day to day as you are feeling. My RAXGF is in a sober living as well, and i have found myself worrying to much about what SHE is doing rather than what I am doing for MYSELF. I decided for us to take a break so that she can focus on her, and I on myself. Keep posting here, and keep attending you group meetings. Work your program!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 134
I've been gone for a while.
My EX boyfriend now has been living in a sober house for the past 2 months. Friday night he broke up with me through a text message....telling me that he needs to focus on himself, and he needs to love himself before he can love me. Which I understand his need to focus on him, but then he threw in there that he never loved me.
The man I gave everything to, who turned me life upside down (I know I let him do this, but it still hurts), tells me that he never loved me.
I can't help but feel that he was only using me because he needed someone when he relapsed.
Needless to say, I'm a wreck. I'm disgusted, angry, hurt, upset, depressed all at the same time.
I can't eat, I throw up every time I do.
I know it's better to move on and find someone who doesn't have all of these issues but I cant help feeling like I went through so much, he was finally doing well and I had so much hope for the future, and now he leaves.
I'm miserable and I feel hopeless.
My EX boyfriend now has been living in a sober house for the past 2 months. Friday night he broke up with me through a text message....telling me that he needs to focus on himself, and he needs to love himself before he can love me. Which I understand his need to focus on him, but then he threw in there that he never loved me.
The man I gave everything to, who turned me life upside down (I know I let him do this, but it still hurts), tells me that he never loved me.
I can't help but feel that he was only using me because he needed someone when he relapsed.
Needless to say, I'm a wreck. I'm disgusted, angry, hurt, upset, depressed all at the same time.
I can't eat, I throw up every time I do.
I know it's better to move on and find someone who doesn't have all of these issues but I cant help feeling like I went through so much, he was finally doing well and I had so much hope for the future, and now he leaves.
I'm miserable and I feel hopeless.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Pock ~
I feel for you but I think you are really missing the whole lesson here. Don't let this be a missed opportunity.
You can move on.....but most likely you will still bring your codependent issues with you into your next relationship. Take this time...to work on YOU so you can have a healthy relationship when you are ready!
I feel for you but I think you are really missing the whole lesson here. Don't let this be a missed opportunity.
You can move on.....but most likely you will still bring your codependent issues with you into your next relationship. Take this time...to work on YOU so you can have a healthy relationship when you are ready!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 134
I feel like I'm living in my own personal hell. I keep waiting for him to call, knowing he won't, even knowing I don't want him to. I think this is pretty standard for someone living in a sober house to make sure all of the focus is on them, which I understand...but that doesn't make me feel any better....
I'm just lost.
I'm just lost.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by Pock89 
I feel like I'm living in my own personal hell. I keep waiting for him to call, knowing he won't, even knowing I don't want him to. I think this is pretty standard for someone living in a sober house to make sure all of the focus is on them, which I understand...but that doesn't make me feel any better....
I'm just lost.
I'm just lost.
You have an addiction issue too (like me)...you're addicted to your addict! Start YOUR own recovery. That's far more of a turn on to a healthy guy!
It's easy to sit around and complain...but far more rewarding to do something with YOUR on life!! Just sayin.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Gilbert, AZ
Posts: 22
pock, i just realized last week that i am addicted to my adddict as well. codependent is the watered down way of putting things. it was quite disturbing to say the least to realize this. when she came in town to visit i was on a high, then when she relapsed...i started my wiithdrawls. its crazy how your body reacts, i was queezy, no appetite, sick to my stomach, dry heaving. she got the first flight back out to SL asap, a good sign for her to say the least. but just like you i have to focus on myself and not worry about her. i went to another meeting that night, and spoke up about needing a sponsor. people reached out. i now have a sponsor, and i am ready to start working on me. i say all this because i know EXACTLY how you feel right now. and it is all still so fresh in my mind, but the focus has to be on what is right in front of me at this moment. so i say to you, reach out and let a sponsor guide you.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Do what you can one thing at a time to take care of you. You have no control over his actions. It is no use trying to figure out why he did what he did.
If you are feeling so lost without him, then it is time for you to work on yourself. I have had that desperate feeling before of feeling completely lost without an ex-. It is an awful place to be, but you can heal. This is a good time to journal, to work with a counselor, and to discover what you enjoy doing. For me, I would take long bubble baths with candles all around the sides. It also helps to get a haircut. Go find some stuff for a facial--whatever it takes to refocus on yourself.
If you are feeling so lost without him, then it is time for you to work on yourself. I have had that desperate feeling before of feeling completely lost without an ex-. It is an awful place to be, but you can heal. This is a good time to journal, to work with a counselor, and to discover what you enjoy doing. For me, I would take long bubble baths with candles all around the sides. It also helps to get a haircut. Go find some stuff for a facial--whatever it takes to refocus on yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 134
It's just the craziest feeling. I'm so angry with him, but I'm dying for him to reach out to me. I don't want to talk to him because I'm disgusted, but everytime my phone rings I hope it's him. And I can't explain why.
I want to move on and go meet someone else, but at the same time, I want to stay at home and cry.
I'm so confused. I know I HAVE to focus on me but it's hard when all I think about is what happened. Everytime I tell people that we broke up, no one seems surprised. It's like I'm the only one that's surprised.
I want to move on and go meet someone else, but at the same time, I want to stay at home and cry.
I'm so confused. I know I HAVE to focus on me but it's hard when all I think about is what happened. Everytime I tell people that we broke up, no one seems surprised. It's like I'm the only one that's surprised.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by Pock89
It's just the craziest feeling. I'm so angry with him, but I'm dying for him to reach out to me. I don't want to talk to him because I'm disgusted, but everytime my phone rings I hope it's him. And I can't explain why.
I want to move on and go meet someone else, but at the same time, I want to stay at home and cry.
I'm so confused. I know I HAVE to focus on me but it's hard when all I think about is what happened. Everytime I tell people that we broke up, no one seems surprised. It's like I'm the only one that's surprised.
I want to move on and go meet someone else, but at the same time, I want to stay at home and cry.
I'm so confused. I know I HAVE to focus on me but it's hard when all I think about is what happened. Everytime I tell people that we broke up, no one seems surprised. It's like I'm the only one that's surprised.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 40
Your post is all too familiar ... I love a man, just like you do, who is afflicted with addiction and I stayed by his side for years. AND I continued to keep in touch with him after the (forced) break-up because I still hoped for change. I don't want to discourage you, but here I am, approaching 6 years and NOTHING has changed. It's worse.
Mine was clean and sober 3 years when I met him and very active in our church. He relapsed, began using meth behind my back. Started poppin prescription pills ... (this is about the time I left) and graduated to heroin and crack. Countless jail/prison terms, relapses, detox, rehabs, sober living homes ... Christ-centered treatment programs ... moved cities, states ... jobs ... I could go on and on. I believed him when he cried for help EVERY single time.
What started as natural concern for my partner turned into severe codependency. I became so consummed with his problems, I neglected myself. If I could give you one piece of advice, take care of YOU. Not saying to leave or stay. Pray for him. We never really lose hope, but just take care of yourself, girl ... and know what you're getting into. Addiction is UGLY. There isn't a topical cream to treat it. They say with addiction, you're either using or in remission. It's something that will always be with him, not you. Learn to detach. Go to meetings, see a therapist, read: Codependent No More.
Another thing to consider, I prayed for so long that he would stop using and walk a straight line. He did for a while, several times. What I observed (I am a Nursing/PA student) during our relationship and especially during the periods of non-use is anti-social/sociopathic behavior. He fit every characteristic of someone with ASPD. He was eventually diagnosed with a personality disorder!
I still love him very, very much, but it became no longer worth it for me to be in a romantic relationship with this guy. We could never be normal and progress normally ... like get married, buy a house, have a family. It saddens me too that I can't even be friends with him or keep in touch. All he does at this point is ask for money and favors and attempt to manipulate me - remember I stayed by his side while he was in jail, prison ... rehab ... I never reaped the benefits of this "new" person he was to become. I never saw that person. He is in a very bad place and the only thing I can do is pray for him and be good to ME.
My X is sick, he isn't a bad person. He is in active addiction doing what addicts do. Most new people he meets have no clue who he really is and what's really going on in his life. So sometimes we think we know everything because he "says" so, but watch his actions. Stop being surprised! My X is charming, smart (very!), more than good-looking, he is beyond handsome, funny, talented, brilliant. BUT he isn't any of those things while in active addiction. Right now, I don't even think he has a soul.
Just think about you, take care of you. Work on being the best version of yourself and let him do the same. Protect your heart and remember: Love never fails: It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Read that last word again: perseveres. You can love him, but can you be WITH him at this point? If you're taking care of him, who is taking care of you?
You can message me anytime you want. Hugs.
Mine was clean and sober 3 years when I met him and very active in our church. He relapsed, began using meth behind my back. Started poppin prescription pills ... (this is about the time I left) and graduated to heroin and crack. Countless jail/prison terms, relapses, detox, rehabs, sober living homes ... Christ-centered treatment programs ... moved cities, states ... jobs ... I could go on and on. I believed him when he cried for help EVERY single time.
What started as natural concern for my partner turned into severe codependency. I became so consummed with his problems, I neglected myself. If I could give you one piece of advice, take care of YOU. Not saying to leave or stay. Pray for him. We never really lose hope, but just take care of yourself, girl ... and know what you're getting into. Addiction is UGLY. There isn't a topical cream to treat it. They say with addiction, you're either using or in remission. It's something that will always be with him, not you. Learn to detach. Go to meetings, see a therapist, read: Codependent No More.
Another thing to consider, I prayed for so long that he would stop using and walk a straight line. He did for a while, several times. What I observed (I am a Nursing/PA student) during our relationship and especially during the periods of non-use is anti-social/sociopathic behavior. He fit every characteristic of someone with ASPD. He was eventually diagnosed with a personality disorder!
I still love him very, very much, but it became no longer worth it for me to be in a romantic relationship with this guy. We could never be normal and progress normally ... like get married, buy a house, have a family. It saddens me too that I can't even be friends with him or keep in touch. All he does at this point is ask for money and favors and attempt to manipulate me - remember I stayed by his side while he was in jail, prison ... rehab ... I never reaped the benefits of this "new" person he was to become. I never saw that person. He is in a very bad place and the only thing I can do is pray for him and be good to ME.
My X is sick, he isn't a bad person. He is in active addiction doing what addicts do. Most new people he meets have no clue who he really is and what's really going on in his life. So sometimes we think we know everything because he "says" so, but watch his actions. Stop being surprised! My X is charming, smart (very!), more than good-looking, he is beyond handsome, funny, talented, brilliant. BUT he isn't any of those things while in active addiction. Right now, I don't even think he has a soul.
Just think about you, take care of you. Work on being the best version of yourself and let him do the same. Protect your heart and remember: Love never fails: It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Read that last word again: perseveres. You can love him, but can you be WITH him at this point? If you're taking care of him, who is taking care of you?
You can message me anytime you want. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 40
I missed a few of your posts and I just read that he broke up with you.
A word of caution ... not advice. He will be back. They ALWAYS come back. However, when he does, it will most likely be for self-serving reasons. So be prepared. Let him go.
A word of caution ... not advice. He will be back. They ALWAYS come back. However, when he does, it will most likely be for self-serving reasons. So be prepared. Let him go.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
I spent a MONTH worrying my AF was homeless,hungry,living on the streets.I KNEW she was going
"upriver" soon on a series of charges.Every week a short msg from me...."I hope you are OK"...
"I hope nothing serious has happened to you"
Week 4? I get a message from her "could you please drop some cash by? I'm at my
(hard time felon BF's place) in Charlestown (MA)"
It doesn't change..it can't change.They are addicts...this is what they do.
I thank my SR friends for their wisdom in aiding me to recognize this pattern....and END IT.
How is her life going to end up? That's her business.My life is fantastic--and getting
better every day the farther I get from her dysfunction.
Unless you are a professional rescuer (paid/trained/compensated/professional) like
a firefighter,EMT,para-rescue person........
----stay out of it.
"upriver" soon on a series of charges.Every week a short msg from me...."I hope you are OK"...
"I hope nothing serious has happened to you"
Week 4? I get a message from her "could you please drop some cash by? I'm at my
(hard time felon BF's place) in Charlestown (MA)"
It doesn't change..it can't change.They are addicts...this is what they do.
I thank my SR friends for their wisdom in aiding me to recognize this pattern....and END IT.
How is her life going to end up? That's her business.My life is fantastic--and getting
better every day the farther I get from her dysfunction.
Unless you are a professional rescuer (paid/trained/compensated/professional) like
a firefighter,EMT,para-rescue person........
----stay out of it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 134
People tell me that he'll eventually be back once he's moved out of the sober house. I hope by that point, I truly don't want to speak to him. I feel like right now, I have all of these questions about why and just unanswered questions but I hope if he does contact me, it will be at a time where I have already moved on.
I'm getting better with every day that goes by, but I can't help feeling resentful towards him. There's a lot of emotions to work through, besides the obvious missing him in my daily life.
I'm getting better with every day that goes by, but I can't help feeling resentful towards him. There's a lot of emotions to work through, besides the obvious missing him in my daily life.
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