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Old 02-20-2012, 06:51 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Do you listen to your heart or mind? Going back to an addict..

Hello, I have posted here quiet a few times. I never thought I would make this kind of post after all that has been happening. I am sorry if this is long, I need to vent and need some advise. I know this is the best pace I can go too, because everyone here is going through the same thing.

I was dating my abf for more than a year now. He is a wonderful man and very sweet, and treats me like gold.. We love each other very much.. I heard the famous lines, " I was a drug addict but I cleaned my act".. I believed him since I was very naive about the drug scene. He started acting weird and I questioned him, but his manipulation overpowered me and he would play with my heart. Finally caught him one day, and he pleaded and cried, " One more Chance". He didn't go to any sort of treatment because he claimed he can do it on his own will. He relapsed.. i stayed.. he said " One More Chance". I stayed.. He said he would go to treatment this time, but instead landed in jail. Here I am.. with a massive heartache, Here was a man i thought for sure was my " soul mate", the love of my life, the man I would marry, killing himself. When you look into his eyes, they are empty with despair, with embarrassment- they have no life.

After the jail scene, I automatically hit my bottom and said it was over UNTIL he got his act together. Now, we do not know his fate, he might be serving time or his case might get dismissed.. he is also going to rehab for a month before the court date in about a week or so. The issue is.. we started to have contact with each other. We started talking on the phone and texting and he would say i love you and miss you, and I would say it back- I really mean it .. After he was in jail for 2 weeks, he claims he look at life differently and would never touch the drug and hit his weakest point.. he lost his job, school and people not trusting him. His family/friends are still by his side, supporting him and not leaving his life.. So this hurts me that I am not there. A few days ago, I decided that it was time for us to see each other because we were really in love with each other and had such a deep connection and best friends we needed this. When we met, we hugged for about 20 minutes, just hugging. We started crying and had no words. I planned this whole speech, i thought I was so strong.. but I melted right in his arms. We sat in the car and just hugged and eventually kissed. He was saying he wants me in his life and will change and he is scared that during this time I will find someone else and he will never let me go. We barely spoke because it was just way to emotional for the both of us.

It concluded that we are not "boyfriend/girlfriend" but friends and when he gets better( if he does) we will start dating again.. I thought this was fine till today morning.. I woke up with even more pain and heartache because it hurt knowing we were so emotional and kissed and hugged and speak and text but are not dating?? That does not make sense, and I know in the end it will hurt me even more. Because what if he does get better? why do we need start dating if he already has all of me, well not all, but you know what I mean. He is not suffering from the consequences of me leaving because we still have contact.So here I am wondering.. I need to either cut complete communication and end it or give him "another chance". I am so confused.. Also, I told him if he gets better we will start dating again.. So am I waiting for him? In essence this is what I am doing. I will not be able to see other people or whatever because in my heart and mind I am waiting..
However, if I welcome back, its as if I gave an empty threat and maybe he will manipulate me more and more.. or maybe this is the end of manipulation? UHG

This is just a crazy situation. I hope you guys can understand what I am saying and a little whats going on through my head. Im sorry, dont really have anyone else to talk to
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Old 02-20-2012, 07:56 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Lonely,

Sometimes things do not need to be so black and white.

Sometimes people go through a period of separation, while the addict focuses fully on his recovery and the codependent focuses on hers.

But my experience has been that most couples are not willing to do this. To temporarily separate. The codependent does not want to take the chance the addict will never reunite with her. And the addict, in his addiction, is so afraid of standing on his own two feet and doing the hard recovery work, he won't accept a separation either.

He is so sick, with addiction, Lonely. The disease needs his full focus.

If the love between you is as strong and deep as you say, why would it not survive a separation of 6 to 9 months so he can fight for his life? Without recovery, there is absolutely no happy ending.

Wishing you both all the best and decisions that support life.
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Old 02-20-2012, 08:07 AM   #3 (permalink)
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EnglishG- "Sometimes people go through a period of separation, while the addict focuses fully on his recovery and the codependent focuses on hers. "

I second that.

When I first came to SR, I didn't realize that I was as sick as my XAH.
Now I see things very differently.

There is a great Sticky at the top of this forum "Are you Codependent" that is an excellent place to start.

We can't control the outcome of another person's life, but we can control our own.
Takes work, but it works when you're ready.
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Old 02-20-2012, 08:22 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lonelysad239 View Post
Hello, I have posted here quiet a few times. I never thought I would make this kind of post after all that has been happening. I am sorry if this is long, I need to vent and need some advise. I know this is the best pace I can go too, because everyone here is going through the same thing.

I was dating my abf for more than a year now. He is a wonderful man and very sweet, and treats me like gold.. We love each other very much.. I heard the famous lines, " I was a drug addict but I cleaned my act".. I believed him since I was very naive about the drug scene. He started acting weird and I questioned him, but his manipulation overpowered me and he would play with my heart. Finally caught him one day, and he pleaded and cried, " One more Chance". He didn't go to any sort of treatment because he claimed he can do it on his own will. He relapsed.. i stayed.. he said " One More Chance". I stayed.. He said he would go to treatment this time, but instead landed in jail. Here I am.. with a massive heartache, Here was a man i thought for sure was my " soul mate", the love of my life, the man I would marry, killing himself. When you look into his eyes, they are empty with despair, with embarrassment- they have no life.

After the jail scene, I automatically hit my bottom and said it was over UNTIL he got his act together. Now, we do not know his fate, he might be serving time or his case might get dismissed.. he is also going to rehab for a month before the court date in about a week or so. The issue is.. we started to have contact with each other. We started talking on the phone and texting and he would say i love you and miss you, and I would say it back- I really mean it .. After he was in jail for 2 weeks, he claims he look at life differently and would never touch the drug and hit his weakest point.. he lost his job, school and people not trusting him. His family/friends are still by his side, supporting him and not leaving his life.. So this hurts me that I am not there. A few days ago, I decided that it was time for us to see each other because we were really in love with each other and had such a deep connection and best friends we needed this. When we met, we hugged for about 20 minutes, just hugging. We started crying and had no words. I planned this whole speech, i thought I was so strong.. but I melted right in his arms. We sat in the car and just hugged and eventually kissed. He was saying he wants me in his life and will change and he is scared that during this time I will find someone else and he will never let me go. We barely spoke because it was just way to emotional for the both of us.

It concluded that we are not "boyfriend/girlfriend" but friends and when he gets better( if he does) we will start dating again.. I thought this was fine till today morning.. I woke up with even more pain and heartache because it hurt knowing we were so emotional and kissed and hugged and speak and text but are not dating?? That does not make sense, and I know in the end it will hurt me even more. Because what if he does get better? why do we need start dating if he already has all of me, well not all, but you know what I mean. He is not suffering from the consequences of me leaving because we still have contact.So here I am wondering.. I need to either cut complete communication and end it or give him "another chance". I am so confused.. Also, I told him if he gets better we will start dating again.. So am I waiting for him? In essence this is what I am doing. I will not be able to see other people or whatever because in my heart and mind I am waiting..
However, if I welcome back, its as if I gave an empty threat and maybe he will manipulate me more and more.. or maybe this is the end of manipulation? UHG

This is just a crazy situation. I hope you guys can understand what I am saying and a little whats going on through my head. Im sorry, dont really have anyone else to talk to
My own recent experiences probably color my views on this, so I have to qualify that my AXGF has put me through hell.

There was a time where I couldn't imagine a life without her. And now, 6 weeks clear of our breakup, I can't imagine a life with her. Frankly, I deserve better than I got from her. Yes, I loved her. Yes, I wanted the best things for her. But what I've learned about the disease of addiction is just because someone gets clean doesn't mean their thinking is any clearer. It is extremely difficult to have a healthy relationship with someone that's in the earliest stages of recovery. My own experience wasn't healthy, as not only was there codepdendence on my part but emotional abuse, manipulation, and infidelity on her part. There is, simply, no way I would ever let her back into my life under any circumstances.

There is life after a relationship with an addict, and how that life goes is entirely up to us. My hope for you, LonelySad, is you take a moment to be thankful for what and who you have in your life. I also hope that this horrible experience has given you wisdom, not only about addiction but about yourself.

Just because we love someone doesn't mean we have to be with them.

ZoSo
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Old 02-20-2012, 08:41 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Just keep it moving and trust your gut.


Someone said this to me the other day.

My son's father contacted me and wanted to see his son after 18months of nothing.... His reason? "It took me that long to clean up my act and my life together." It through me for a loop... for about 10 minutes. I'm getting really good at - dealing with my codependency issues - after knowing him for eight years... afterall he's been trying to get his "act together" for six of those eight years... I know better than to believe his words. His actions will speak volumes. And an email and a story about how things are going to be and how much he loves me and his son is NOT an action.

I know that I don't have to jump when he says jump. In fact, what I need to do is exactly the opposite. I need to step back, not make rash decisions and stay the course... stay in the present 24 hours and NO projecting or trying to figure out the future. The truth always reveals itself in time. As long as I keep making WISE choices for me (and my son in the process), everything will work out just fine.

Just keep it moving and trust your gut.
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Old 02-20-2012, 08:53 AM   #6 (permalink)
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oh dear lonelysad,

I can relate so well to your post, and I have been in your position several times over the last two years. each time his relapse, his re commitment to the program, his speaking to/swearing to "never again" actually also reflected MY well being as well..."relapse" as in finding my self in the same situation again, my own re committing to recovery (meetings, reading, online, journaling, sponsor, therapist, community, retreats, yoga, etc etc!!) and me swearing "never again" funny how we mirror one another...

I am so impressed with the gentle sense words that I have heard before and read here now..."you don't have to decide at this very moment" it seems somehow in our culture, or in the kind of panicky reaction to drug use that we say words like "Never" and "finished" and "done". These words, like those of the addict, can end up being difficult to follow through on when love is involved...(or codependency or drugs!) who knows what we are each facing...sometimes it is very hard to discern between love and manipulation. There are certainly enough films, plays, and songs written about the woes of love, since time immemorial.

On Valentines Day I spent an evening with the man I love. He brought me the most perfect little gifts (sweet and perfect) we made love, we went grocery shopping (one of my absolute favorite dates!) made his favorite stew and baked a cake together, we slow danced to classics...all of this was spontaneous and joyful. And then he walked out the door (to get back to his sober house) and disappeared for almost three days. (He had just rcv'd his first paycheck from a new job.)

Just one more relapse. I know I don't have to "decide". I am not panicky and crying and at a loss. I am glad that we are all here, I am glad that I can participate in recovery.

What I have said this time is "I am sick of crack in my life." It's that simple. Before I could get into endless ping pong games of whether my love enables or not. In fact I am not completely over it, but I have come LEAGUES from where I was! There is NOT an answer. There is only a slow realization for your self...of whether or not you want to stay.

If you keep doing the work of recovery, as you are now, reaching out in honesty and speaking to others and self...and find resources (books, meetings, whatever) you will continue to recover and you will reveal an answer for your self. Time will greatly assist in this!! Take your time. Don't let anyone shame you. I think I was horribly shamed and blamed, and I will admit, regrettably that I have probably done the same to others...
but that shame and blame came from a place deep inside...it has been one of my greatest discoveries in MY recovery.

That discovery has been a gift. Now in the face of the present, and in the calm of the quietude of right now...I can simply say "I'm sick of crack in my life" and mean it. I am not freaking out on the loss of the love of my life. I turn it over to a higher power, pray for recovery for all of us who suffer and focus on my well being. This is the best I can do for me, and for him and for us...ultimately.

I hope this long stretch of E, S & H somehow speaks to you. Peace.
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Old 02-20-2012, 09:37 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Jailhouse remorse is more often the case than not.

I clearly remember the year my EXAH went back to prison on a parole violation. We wrote each other every day. He was my soul mate, and told me everything I wanted to hear. I was the faithful wife who stood in line on visitation days, waiting to walk through the metal detector and vowing I'd endure whatever I had to in order to "support" him.

Ugh.

The truth of the matter was his jailhouse remorse lasted less than a month after he was released, and he was back to the same old same old, only worse.

I hung in there another year because you see, I was sicker than he was.

One of the greatest gifts I gave myself in recovery was leaving him and never looking back.
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Old 02-20-2012, 10:52 AM   #8 (permalink)
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QUOTE=hello-kitty]
Just keep it moving and trust your gut.


I second that!

why do we stop TRUSTING IT.....?
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Old 02-20-2012, 01:01 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Thank you for all your replies! You are all right. I will just take it slow and see where things go. I am tired of listening to words and empty promises.. I just get hurt that way. I need to watch his actions, because that shows if he really wants to recover, truly. Not for me, not his family but for HIM. I don't think I will cut off contact, in reality I still love him and care about him, but that doesn't mean I need to rush into things, i need to put my feelings aside for now. However, I will try minimum contact.. not talking constantly and seeing each other too much. Only time can tell what will happen.. but this time i will not be a fool. I realized I am just like him.. I make empty promises and threats but never keep and go along with them..

god bless you all
we are strong
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Old 02-20-2012, 01:48 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I'm riding the fence on this one because I am on both sides of this, a recovering addict dating a relapsed alcoholic.

My husband of 25 yrs is divorcing me, he wants his own life. I have been hanging on to my alcoholic bf, though many tell me to drop him like a hot coal.

Here is what I am thinking. What do I want for MY life. MY life, independent of any other person. Do I want a certain kind of house, job, car. to live in a specific locale, to pursue a hobby or dream. What do I want.

If everything I want revolves around a specific person and their involvement, I'm in trouble. That is an unhealthy situation for BOTH of us.

Many of us would like to have a partner to pursue our dreams with, but our dreams should not be dependent upon having a partner or a specific partner.

The next step in this exercise is to honestly asses if the relationship is one in which you can pursue those dreams and plans. If it's not, then ultimately it needs to end because there is no way to build the life you want with that person.

My husband saw that staying married to me was going to prevent him from fulfilling his life dreams. There is a lot of other stuff going on there that I won't bother with in this thread, but ultimately that is his reason.

I am in a holding pattern in my life right now, this divorce might actually come to pass after two years of nonsense. I don't have a specific plan or dream as of yet. I am ok with my current living arrangement, job, and hobbies. I can afford, right now, to stay with my boyfriend,who is not abusive to me, and support his recovery. I am not putting my own dreams at risk (nor finances, kids, etc)

That might change if he continues to spiral into addiction rather than reassert his efforts at recovery. Or if following my divorce I make a plan to move on. But for now, it's an ok situation, not great, often heart breaking, but ok.

If you want to have kids someday...could you ever trust this man to be a father to your children? Are you putting significant goals in your own life on hold hoping that he becomes the man you want him to be?

Those are the questions I ask myself, and that I know my husband asked himself as well. Though it cuts me to the core that he chose to separate from me, I DO understand how he came to that decision, and DO acknowledge that it is an appropriate one.

All that being said, my own experience as a recovering addict and my boyfriends experience..we are a long shot at best. I hope we both stay sober forever. I don't think that is likely.
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Old 02-20-2012, 02:22 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Threshold quote :
All that being said.....we are a long shot at best. I hope we both stay sober forever. I don't think that is likely.



......NEVER SAY NEVER......
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Old 02-20-2012, 04:27 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Its funny how I naive I was to this whole addiction thing. It seems like yesterday that I was laughing at one of my friends who was dating an addict. I didn't understand her hurt and pain.. how she became addicted to him just like he was addicted to his drugs. Now I am here, in the same situation. I now understand how she felt, how loved ones feel to lose the people they love. Its so hard to sit and watch someone kill themselves and ruin their lives. We can all admit, all these people, your husband/wife/daughter/son/boyfriend are good people who just ****** up. I used to look at these people like "low lives" and "junkies" but this experience has changed me. I look at these people as sick, who have a chronic progressive disease. My mother has heart disease.. it will never be cured, just like addiction. Everyday she needs to take medication, she needs to eat healthy, she needs to exercise, CHANGE HER LIFE or she will DIE. Maybe that's why we are all here, all dealing with this horror! To open other peoples lives and change our lives.. and feel so blessed that we don't have this disease and we don't have to suffer. I will let my exabf's addiction go as far down as he will take it, you know why? because he is in charge of his life and his destiny. Lets change the world together..

I feel blessed to be on this forum and have all these people pouring out their hearts with anguish, despair and heartache.. maybe sometimes happiness and relief.

Our lives are short, lets live to the fullest.
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Old 02-20-2012, 05:16 PM   #13 (permalink)
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My heart is not equipped to think. So with important matters, I use my head.
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