10 Ways We Can Help....

Old 09-19-2011, 03:31 PM
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10 Ways We Can Help....

Been posted B/4, believe it is worth a reread.

10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem
By Ed Hughes, MPS

The pain and suffering of addiction is not limited to the alcoholic or drug addict. Family members share a tremendous burden as well. Shame, guilt, fear, worry, anger, and frustration are common , Everyday feelings for family members concerened about a loved one’s drinking or drug use. In most cases, the family has endured the brunt of the consequences for the loved ones addiction, including the stress of worry, financial costs, and life adjustments made to accommodate the addicted person’s lifestyle. Addiction leads the addict away from positive influences of the family. The disease twists love, concern, and a willingness to be helpful into a host of enabling behaviors that only help to perpetuate the illness.

Family and friends are usually very busy attempting to help the alcoholic or addict, but the help is of the wrong kind . If directed toward effective strategies and interventions, however, these people become powerful influences in helping the loved one “hit bottom” and seek professional help. At the very least, families can detach themselves from the painful consequences of there loved one’s disease and cease their enabling behavior.

Here are 10 ways family members can help there loved one and themselves:

1) Do learn the facts about alcoholism and drug addiction . Obtain information through counseling, open AA/NA meetings, and Alanon/Naranon.
Addiction thrives in an environment of ignorance and denial . Only when we understand the characteristics and dynamics of addiction can we begin to respond to its symptoms more effectively. Realizing that addiction is a progressive disease will assist the family members to accept there loved as a “sick person” rather than a “bad person.” This comprehension goes a long way toward helping overcome the associated shame and guilt. No one is to blame . The problem is not caused by bad parenting or any other family shortcoming. Attendance at open AA/NA meetings is important: families need to see that not only are they not alone in there experience, but also that there are many other families just like theirs involved in this struggle. Families will find a reason to be hopeful when they hear the riveting stories of recovery shared at these meetings.

2) Don’t rescue the alcoholic or addict. Let them experience the full consequence of their disease.
Unfortunately, it is extremely rare for anyone to be “loved” into recovery. Recovering people experience a “hitting bottom.” This implies an accumulation of negative consequences related to drinking or drug use which provides the necessary motivation and inspiration to initiate a recovery effort. It has been said that “truth” and “consequences” are the foundations of insight and this holds true for addiction. Rescuing addicted persons from there consequences only ensures that more consequences must occur before the need for recovery is realized.

3) Don’t support the addiction by financially supporting the alcoholic or addict.
Money is the lifeblood of addiction
. Financial support can be provided in many ways and they all serve to prolong the arrival of consequences. Buying groceries, paying for a car repair, loaning money, paying rent, and paying court fines are all examples of contributing to the continuation of alcohol or drug use . Money is almost always given by family members with the best of intentions, but it always serves to enable the alcoholic or addict to avoid the natural and necessary consequences of addiction. Many addicts recover simply because they could not get money to buy their drug. Consequently they experience withdrawal symptoms and often seek help.

4) Don’t analyze the loved one’s drinking or drug use. Don’t try to figure it out or look for underlying causes.
There are no underlying causes. Addiction is a disease. Looking for underlying causes is a waste of time and energy and usually ends up with some type of blame focused on the family or others . This “paralysis by analysis” is a common manipulation by the disease of addiction which distracts everyone from the important issue of the illness itself.

5) Don’t make idle threats. Say what mean and mean what you say. Words only marginally impact the alcoholic or addict . Rather “actions speak louder than words” applies to addiction. Threats are as meaningless as the promises made by the addicted person.

6) Don’t extract promises. A person with an addiction cannot keep promises. This is not because they don’t intend to, but rather because they are powerless to consistently act upon their commitments . Extracting a promise is a waste of time and only serves to increase the anger toward the loved one.

7) Don’t preach or lecture. Preaching and lecturing are easily discounted by the addicted person.
A sick person is not motivated to take positive action through guilt or intimidation
. If an alcoholic or addict could be “talked into” getting sober, many more people would get sober.

8) Do avoid the reactions of pity and anger. These emotions create a painful roller coaster for the loved one.
For a given amount of anger that is felt by a family member in any given situation, that amount-or more-of pity will be felt for the alcoholic or addict once the anger subsides. This teeter-totter is a common experience for family members—they get angry over a situation, make threats or initiate consequences, and then backtrack from those decisions once the anger has left and has been replaced by pity . The family then does not follow through on their decision to not enable.

9) Don’t accommodate the disease.
Addiction is a subtle foe. It will infiltrate a family’s home, lifestyle, and attitudes in a way that can go unnoticed by the family. As the disease progresses within the family system, the family will unknowingly accommodate its presence. Examples of accommodation include locking up ones and other valuables, not inviting guests for fear that the alcoholic or addict might embarrass them, adjusting one’s work schedule to be home with the addict or alcoholic, and planning one’s day around events involving the alcoholic or addict.

10) Do focus upon your life and responsibilities.
Family members must identify areas of there lives that have been neglected due to their focus on, or even obsession with, the alcoholic or addict. Other family members, hobbies, job, and health, for example, often take a back seat to the needs of the alcoholic or addict and the inevitable crisis of addiction. Turning attention away from the addict and focusing on other personal areas of one’s life is empowering and helpful to all concerned .
Each of these suggestions should be approached separately as individual goals. No one can make an abrupt change or adjustment from the behaviors that formed while the disease of addiction progressed. I can not over-emphasize the need for support of family members as they attempt to make changes. Counseling agencies must provide family education and programs to share this information. They must offer opportunities for families to change their attitudes and behaviors. The most powerful influence in helping families make these changes is Al-Anon/Naranon . By facing their fears and weathering the emotional storms that will follow, they can commit to ending their enabling entanglements.

The disease of addiction will fervently resist a family’s effort to say “no” and stop enabling. Every possible emotional manipulation will be exhibited in an effort to get the family to resume “business as usual .” There will always be certain family members or friends who will resist the notion of not enabling, join forces with the sick person, and accuse the family of lacking love. This resistance is a difficult but necessary hurdle for the family to overcome. Yet, it is necessary if they are to be truly helpful to the alcoholic or addict. Being truly helpful is what these suggestions are really about. Only when the full weight of the natural consequences of addiction is experienced by the addict- rather than by the family- can there be reason for hope of recovery .
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Old 09-19-2011, 06:48 PM
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Dollydo...This guy is from my home town. He runs a group here for the families of loved ones. I have had the pleasure of meeting him for some private sessions and I have also attended his groups. Very informed and knowledgable man.
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Old 09-19-2011, 07:42 PM
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Thanks Dollydo...

I need a good dose of this every 3 days........
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Old 09-19-2011, 09:18 PM
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Good stuff.
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Old 09-20-2011, 02:46 AM
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9)... As the disease progresses within the family system, the family will unknowingly accommodate its presence. Examples of accommodation include locking up ones and other valuables....
Wowzer. After all these years in recovery, after years of no longer living in fear...it never fails to amaze me how something will pop out at me and grab my heart.

Healthy people do not sleep with their purse and car keys under the pillow.!!


Even hiding my valuables accommodated my son's addiction because it gave us both a false sense of security. This too was another elephant in my livingroom, one that we would step around and spray with Febreeze and pretend it just wasn't there. My son was a thief and I let him live in my home and we both just pretended that he wasn't. How insane was that?

Read that again! I did that for years. I warn the newcomer to "hide your valuables" and think I am being helpful, and perhaps I am because valuables WILL be stolen sooner or later if there is an active addict in the house...sorry, sad but true. But the better suggestion would be to simply make it clear that theft is common so it's not healthy to make oneself vulnerable.

Thanks Dolly, that's an excellent article and one that can teach even an oldtimer like me.

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Old 09-20-2011, 03:58 AM
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Ann, me too, I was a locker upper. Today, my purse sits on the table in my entrance, along with my car keys, when he was here I hid everything, infact I am still trying to find some of my "stuff" I hid it so well I can't even find it!
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Old 09-20-2011, 07:01 AM
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Healthy people do not sleep with their purse and car keys under the pillow.!!
Whoooboy. That is such a true statement....but I've done it. Perhaps a better suggestion would be to call the police if anything is stolen. It is what we would do if anyone else other than our addicted loved one stole from us. It is a consequence. A normal consequence of stealing.

The last time my son was in my house, he wound up going ballistic (which is a little scary when we're talking about a meth addict withdrawing from a five day sleepless binge). I called the police. This happened several months ago but he's still really angry about that.....but I wouldn't let anyone else on this planet behave that way in my house. Why should he be allowed to do it? Yet...his anger and accusations have actually made me think....was it really necessary to call the police?

That is the crazy thinking of a codependent.

Thanks for sharing this, dollydo. Great piece!

gentle hugs
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Old 09-20-2011, 09:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes View Post
That is the crazy thinking of a codependent.
That's what is scary, Kindeyes, I didn't even recognize how crazy my thinking had become. I thought my thinking was normal for any normal mother of an addict who had to sleep with her purse under the pillow and hide her medications and hope nobody noticed that things were not quite right at Ann's house.

Lordy, thank goodness our Step 2 promises to restore us to sanity. If it could restore me, it can restore anyone.

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Old 09-21-2011, 01:28 AM
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This article was so helpful to me when I first joined this forum - thanks for the repost. It's interesting to me how many of the ways we DO help an addict are by the things we DON'T DO.
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Old 09-21-2011, 07:33 AM
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Sleeping with purse/wallet/keys

Been there/done that too.

Looking back, it was the same " it's not so bad" gradual thinking that addicts use to ratrionalize their behaviors and choices. In other words, it's the same slippery slope into hell-o.
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Old 03-31-2012, 08:07 AM
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Question living with recovered addict (im still a mess)

My fiance was on supervised probation for a period of time..which pretty much forced him into sobrity (from hydrocodone and oxycodone) He seems to be doing fine. He is off of probation, now. No signs of drug abuse so far, however I am a mess. Not on drugs or anything like that, but I am still suffering from I guess codependency issues. I am not better. I still find myself looking around for clues that hes on drugs..sometimes he will give certain "look" that brings back memories of the past. I feel like im crazy and I cant really live my life. I have 3 kids..and its hard to even focus on them from being caught up in FEELING like something is going to happen..or HE will end up going back to drugs. I KNOW im supposed to live my life otherwise..Its like I KNOW what im supposed to do. However, I cannot help myself from thinking that way and driving myself insane. Any suggestions? I need help!
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Old 03-31-2012, 08:44 AM
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As many on this board know, my AS was kicked out of an SLE for using again, but will be allowed back if he tests clean in 72 hours. I have allowed him to stay with me those three days. And I'm back to hiding my jewelry and medications, and taking my purse up to my bedroom when I go to bed. Looking forward to him going back to the SLE on Monday.
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Old 03-31-2012, 11:34 AM
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Ashley...I'd start a new thread, you will get more responses. Perhaps you can expand on your post.
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Old 06-20-2013, 12:41 AM
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I am have a current addict living in my home. I have a hard time sleeping, my things of value locked up and my health is being effected. I have thrown him out for yelling and cursing at me then I let him back in. I try to be strong but somehow just can't do it.
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Old 06-20-2013, 06:59 AM
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SoVeryTired: Keep coming back. Many of us have been where you are now at and found our way out to the land the peace, serenity, and security.

So, again, keep coming back. There is lots here for you!
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Old 06-20-2013, 07:48 AM
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3) "Money Is The Lifeblood of Addiction," while this is true and family members should not give money to the addict, it is not always a bottom. Addicts are resourceful and find many ways legal and illegal to obtain money for dope. In a way, the government is a enabler also. They provide food stamps (that can be sold on the black market) and cash assistance for the addict.
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Old 01-17-2014, 08:48 AM
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Thank you for this post, dollydo. I am in a nightmare and feel trapped. My stepson is 18. He lived with his mother all of his life and had the usual every other weekend visitation and every Wednesday night for dinner. His problem became evident to me when he was in 6th grade. I put up a post last fall asking for everyone's opinion regarding my husband's belief that living in our home would be a better place for his son. Fast forward-we held an intervention in August 2013 which led to his eventual stay at rehab out of state. He was there 60 days and upon returning back home, my husband had and continues to have him living in our home. I have 2 children that live here-15 and 10. There are 2 older boys (one mine, one his) that are juniors in college and are not home all that often except over their breaks or summer. Nevertheless, I am at a totally different place than my husband and it is wreaking havoc. My husband got SS a job at his own place of work-and 95% of the mornings, has to go in to wake SS. So, he still has the job, although he would have been fired for not showing up had SS been left to wake on his own. SS has not been saving any of his money. My husband has now resorted to being SS's "bank" and making him give him a certain amount of money from his paycheck so as to hold it. We've found drugs, gave him a test which showed coke in his system, etc., etc., etc. I could go on and on about this. If SS is supposed to be home at a certain time and doesn't show up, there are no consequences except for my husband yelling. I keep saying that until he is held accountable for his actions, we're going to be spinning in neutral forever. My home is being ripped apart and my husband just cannot see that no matter what he does, he cannot fix his son. I keep saying that it doesn't matter what SS has or doesn't have. SS has to chose to wake up and go to work. And by waking him up and making him go to work just perpetuates this. I said, let him sleep in and lose his job. He may or may not feel the burn for losing his job right away, but he will at some point when he doesn't have money-so long as he doesn't receive money from my husband to fix everything. Which, my husband has done. SS had no money to fix his truck-my husband pays for it. One thing I will say is that SS has been slowly paying my husband back a certain amount out of his paycheck for past tickets, etc. But, we're going nowhere here. I choose not to live with an addict. My ex husband is an alcoholic-and it took me 10 years to figure out there was nothing I could do. Except divorce him and remove him from my home. And here I am, with another addict in this house. My husband keeps saying he wants to follow through for his son. I keep telling my husband that he has followed through, over and over. It doesn't matter what he does-SS is the one who needs to follow through. I feel my husband enables SS's behavior. Right now, we're just a roof over his head, shower and occasional meal. SS has not moved forward whatsoever. I am going to print out this piece and show it to my husband.
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Old 01-18-2014, 02:24 PM
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Originally Posted by ashleyjessee View Post
My fiance was on supervised probation for a period of time..which pretty much forced him into sobrity (from hydrocodone and oxycodone) He seems to be doing fine. He is off of probation, now. No signs of drug abuse so far, however I am a mess. Not on drugs or anything like that, but I am still suffering from I guess codependency issues. I am not better. I still find myself looking around for clues that hes on drugs..sometimes he will give certain "look" that brings back memories of the past. I feel like im crazy and I cant really live my life. I have 3 kids..and its hard to even focus on them from being caught up in FEELING like something is going to happen..or HE will end up going back to drugs. I KNOW im supposed to live my life otherwise..Its like I KNOW what im supposed to do. However, I cannot help myself from thinking that way and driving myself insane. Any suggestions? I need help!
I get what you're saying, but I wouldn't say probation forced him. There had to be some willingness there. My husband was on supervised probation, used anyway, and ended up in prison. He is sober now, but I have my doubts. For me it is more about that I can't control it that drives me up the wall. I don't trust him. I fear that sure he will stay clean... until he gets out.... make sense? Where you are at now is where I will be in about 2-3 years. I've been there before. Trust your gut. Remember: using looks like using, and recovery looks like recovery.
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Old 02-08-2014, 08:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes View Post
Perhaps a better suggestion would be to call the police if anything is stolen.
ke
Much that I am reading on SR is shining a flood light on how severe my denial was about my son. I called the police a bunch of times when things were stolen and they would tell me it had to be him, he would say it wasn't and I would believe him. This went on for years. I am becoming aware that I need to address much that he did to me because it was done to me.

Since he started recovery 9 months ago I have been telling myself I would wait to deal with the hurt and betrayal I feel for his actions until he was ready. SR is giving me a new perspective. Why would I need his input to deal with the realities of what has been going on for so long and how I have been damaged? Much work needed. It is indeed a marathon, and I am talking about my own journey...

I think fear has been keeping me from this part of my journey not only because it is painful but looking at it I will see how my denial contributed?
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Old 02-08-2014, 09:25 AM
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Thank you, thank you, thank you SO much for posting this! I NEEDED to see this and I'm going to print off a copy for my mother in-law. SR has a wealth of great info but I think when I initially started posting here I was already overwhelmed with my circumstances that I couldn't absorb everything that this site had to offer. Slowly I'm beginning to see that no my situation is not so different from others here and no my AH is not unique. The circumstances and details may vary but it all comes down the same stuff (oversleeping for work, needing money for car repairs, getting bailed out of jail, money for a lawyer, losing temper with guests in house). It doesn't matter if it's a son, daughter, husband or sister I'm realizing there are things that we all (the family members) can do to not feed into this any more. We may not be able to get him out of addiction but we can get ourselves out and we can refuse to spend another dime on it! I have a feeling I'm gonna need to refer back to this post again and again to remind myself that this isn't how I want to live. Thank you so much for posting this!
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