Need some advice. Husband very manipulative

Old 09-12-2011, 11:12 AM
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Need some advice. Husband very manipulative

I have been married for 20years. My husband went to therapy with me for the first time Thursday. The therapist called him out on his addiction. He is in denial. He refuses to get help. I was asked if I wanted to continue in this relationship. I verbalized not while he was an addict. I will support him and stand behind him if he gets help. He stormed out of therapy and walked home. He then packed his clothes and left. He keeps texting me blaming me, I don't love him, I am not attracted to him, I have a boyfriend, I want this over, this isn't his decision or choice, blah blah blah. Constant deflection. He is very manipulative. I started cleaning out our shed. I found at least 75 little blue bags, empty prescription bottles with labels ripped off and cut up straws. I have two children...son 13 and daughter 18. I am just so deflated and numb. Any advice please?!!! I keep posting and no one seems to respond to me.
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Old 09-12-2011, 11:23 AM
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Hi FD! Welcome to SR!

I'm sorry if you feel that you have been ignored. Sometimes when you first arrive here, it helps to begin a new thread of your own just as you have done right here!!

I'm so glad you found us, but very sad to hear about what you have been going through. Please know that you are among people who understand.

One thing that I have learned from SR and from the meetings of Al-Anon/Nar-Anon is a concept called the 3C's:

We did not [B][I]cause[B][I] the addiction.
We cannot control the addict.
We cannot cure the addict.

If I were in your shoes, I would do everything in my power to protect my children from the influence of anyone in active addiction--even their own father.

I think you are correct in that his accusations are merely intended to make you feel bad, make you fall back into line, make you continue to support him in his addiction. Even if he does not continue to go to counseling, I hope you will consider continuing the process without him.

Huge hugs!
HG
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Old 09-12-2011, 11:28 AM
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familydestroyed, my exah is an alcoholic and from what you wrote it sounds like yours is into drugs of some kind. You said you would stand behind him if he gets help well it sounds like he hasn't done that as of yet but seems to be intimidating you into lets have things back where they were. Stand firm not just for your sake but your kids as well. Do you go to Al- Anon, or do you still go to therapy even if he doesn't go with you?
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Old 09-12-2011, 11:39 AM
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Thank you hydrogirl. I am devastated. I have known this man since the 4th grade!!! We have been together (married) 19 years and dated 3 years prior to that. It saddens me he doesn't love his family enough to get help. The therapist asked him the other night, how does it feel knowing your son looks up to you as a role model? Do you want your son to emulate your behavior? He gave some stupid answer, I'm established, I'm an adult. He is constantly deflecting. His family is of no support. Never even reach out to their grandchilldren to make sure they are ok knowing their father is addicted to drugs.
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Old 09-12-2011, 11:42 AM
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@ fedup3
I still go to therapy. My son goes to therapy as well. My daughter is away at school and chooses to not particpate in therapy. My husband will not go back to therapy since the therapist didn't agree with his behavior. I do not attend any Al-Anon. I inquired about it but in my area it says "closed meetings". Do you know what that means? I am worried I will cave in and go back to how things were. It is hard to stand firm. He is just so manipulative. Makes me feel sorry for him because he is staying in a motel not at his parents house. Practically going from motel to motel with clothes in his car. It is sad.
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Old 09-12-2011, 11:46 AM
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It is sooooo hard to not take addiction personally, to wonder why our husband/wife/son/daughter/parent chooses drugs or alcohol over us.

But it's not personal. Below is a link to some posts that describe addiction from the addict's point of view. These are not easy posts to read, but they are honest and accurate from what I have come to understand. I hope that reading them helps you to udnerstand just a bit better that it is not personal--you are not to blame.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

Many hugs, HG
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Old 09-12-2011, 11:51 AM
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Open meetings mean that you can go to them even if you are not the one struggling with the problem.

Closed meaning mean the opposite.

I am a member of Al-anon and go to a lot of Open AA meetings though I myself do not struggle with alcoholism. I do not go to closed AA meetings if that is any help.

It sounds like you fit the definition of a loved one with substance abuse issues. In the meetings where I live the substance does not matter we are there to support each other regardless but there have been comments here that that is not always the case other places.

Therapy helped me too, and the combination of Al-anon and therapy did wonders.

I too found until I posted on my own that I did not get a lot of feedback. Once I did the first one though I was up and running....so welcome!
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Old 09-12-2011, 11:56 AM
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Thank you all so much. I feel so alone. I feel like my friends are tired of hearing the same story over and over. My family gets resentful toward him and can I blame them. He leaves then comes back after a day or so. I just sent him a message asking his intentions, help? getting his own place? or should I leave? We (me and my son) can't continue to live like this!
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Old 09-12-2011, 11:58 AM
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he is also very vindictive. he states he will not support our daughter because she is 18. which i know he will have to by law. he states he will not pay the mortgage. the note is in his name only the deed in both our names. I am prepared to loose my house if my peace of mind is at stake. his credit will be destroyed not my credit. has anyone ever had any experience with a court ordered rehab? the police department stated I can go to the county and get a restraining order and present their report of my findings (blue baggies and cut up straws) and a judge will order him to go to rehab.
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Old 09-12-2011, 12:06 PM
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That's what my alcoholic dad did when my mom finally got him to go to counseling. He blamed her and walked home. Trust me, this is affecting your kids a lot.
My dad said the same horrible nonsense to my mom, and I new what he was doing to her, before she knew it, and I was only like 12 years old. Save your kids....and yourself.

I understand it is hard to do the right thing, and it is way easier said then done.


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Old 09-12-2011, 12:25 PM
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Originally Posted by familydestroyed View Post
It saddens me he doesn't love his family enough to get help.
It's not a matter of him not loving his family enough. Right now he doesn't even know how to love himself. An addict in active addiction is not the person you knew. He's not the man you married. Addiction is a disease. Right now his drug of choice is his mother, wife, children, lover.......it's his life. And it's very sad and very hard to understand for those of us who aren't under the influence of this evil thing.

You can do an intervention. You can force drug rehab, but the fact of the matter is if he's not ready to battle this addiction, nothing will work. If we could love them to death.......sigh.......but sadly enough........

Drugs to bad things to good people. It turns them into liars, manipulators, cheaters and sometimes even monsters. But until he reaches his bottom nothing you can do or say will matter. I've been there and my heart hurts for you. All you can do is continue to take care of you and your children.....and pray for him. I'm sorry you're hurting, but you've found a good place here. Keep reading and keep posting. No...you are definitely not alone. ((Hugs))
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Old 09-12-2011, 03:57 PM
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Sorry you're going through this. It's horrible, I know, I went through the same thing with my first husband. I had two young kids as well. We kept it up for nearly two years - the hotel for a week or two, then home for a week until his addiction caused more problems. It was hell. The whole time he insisted it was his life, and he could do as he wanted and he didn't want to quit. Finally when he started to need more money, he announced he was getting his own apartment and seeing a lawyer. He opened a new account for his paycheque leaving me with nothing. I got a lawyer and we started the divorce process with him paying as little as he could to help with the kids. About 6 months after getting his own place and living the way he wanted to, he died of his addiction. The only good thing that came out of all of this was because we didn't finish the divorce process, I ended up with the house so my kids and I were okay. Just so you know I still didn't learn from my mistakes though, I started up a seven year long relationship with a childhood friend that I trusted that turned out to be another addict! I've just ended that one and I'm a sworn single-woman from now on! Whew...kids are grown now, and I'm selling the house and moving downtown to a funky loft. I took up the banjo and portrait painting and am learning to be happy with who I am on my own!
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Old 09-12-2011, 06:43 PM
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He admitted to snorting percocets. He claims he has pain but I doubt that really. Does anyone know anything about suboxen? When my AH runs out of percocets he buys suboxen off the street to get him through. His pcp post dated a prescription for percs for sept 8th. My husband went to pharmacy at 12:01am. The pharmacist was suspicious and wouldn't fill the prescription until 8am. He began calling her nasty words and they almost called police. He went back to pharmacy again at 430am then again after work next day. Oh but he doesn't have a problem. Unbelievable!!!
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Old 09-12-2011, 07:59 PM
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Welcome to SR.....I'm sorry that you haven't received feedback on your previous posts. We all do our best here to welcome newcomers. We understand the loneliness and anxiety that comes with loving an addict.

I remember when I was first considering leaving my xah. Your story sounds so similar. Just trying to get my xah to counseling was a feat. Then he went once with me. The counselor called him out on his behavior. And he never went back. He told me I was the one with the problem. He deflected. He threatened suicide. His words were mean and spiteful and I felt like crap. It was pretty miserable.

When the pain of living with him was greater than the thought of leaving him, I knew what I had to do.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Please keep posting. Venting. Reading. Learning. And share your journey with us. We will walk with you. You are not alone.

gentle hugs
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Old 09-12-2011, 08:38 PM
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You should be proud of yourself for standing up for your kids now, and not letting this continue. In my opinion, it would be sad if the situation continued. I think your are handling this well.
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Old 09-12-2011, 11:27 PM
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Originally Posted by familydestroyed View Post
Does anyone know anything about suboxen? When my AH runs out of percocets he buys suboxen off the street to get him through.
Suboxone is an FDA approved medication for office based treatment of opiate addiction. It reduces opiate withdrawal symptoms and cravings during the treatment of pain killer addiction.

My daughter took the suboxone film during her first 3 days of withdrawals from the Roxis she was abusing. She has been able to discontinue use much more easily with it than that little blue devil pill. It does work, but not advisable except under doctor supervision as it can be abused too.

And again......he's getting them off the street. Please forgive me for seemingly sounding so harsh, but your husband doesn't or isn't ready for help of any kind. IMHO.....let him live in motel to motel. Let him deal with his issue. Let him fall. The more you break it the worse it's going to be on him and yourself because he won't stop and you'll only suffer along with him.
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Old 09-13-2011, 05:55 AM
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Thank you everyone. I do feel very alone. I think that is what really made the decision for me to ask him to leave. Labor Day weekend although he was in the house he was down for the count going through withdrawal from not having any percs or suboxen available. Needless to say I was alone but not physically alone. As I sat out by the pool and wrote in the journal I experienced such loneliness. I thought to myself what am I doing in this relationship? Why am I allowing this man to live in our home? What kind of example am I setting for my children, for my daughter...that it is ok to let a man treat her this way. Last night he starts with his don't you miss me don't you miss my touch you don't love me crap. That is exactly what it is crap. I am so frustrated that he will not get help. It literally drives me crazy.

@ lovestoomuch - I appreciate your honesty as harsh sounding as it may be it is the truth and I respect the truth. The truth is not something I have heard in the 19 years of marriage. It is hard to see him move from motel to motel. I think it would be easier if he would just go to his mother's house. I don't think she really wants him there. She is a recovering alcoholic herself. His sister who lives there with her baby is also a recovering alcoholic/addict. His other sister who lives on her own is married to a crack addict. This is the part that I feel so sad about. I feel sad he has no support or place to go in his own dysfunctional family. His mother calls him everyday but never says come here. She never sees or checks in on her grandchildren (my children). Regardless of her feelings for me (you know the crazy lunatic wife of her son who doesn't want to put up with his bs anymore but not what he tells her tells her I am being mean to him) she could call their cell phones directly, check in on them. But no. Ugh! This is just so consuming.

Does anyone know if Joyce Meyer has any books on addiction?
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Old 09-13-2011, 06:41 AM
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familydestroyed: I havent posted in awhile but your story has touched me. I know the pain and loneliness you feel. It is absolutley consuming. I know what it is like to think of nothing but the caios of things you can not control. To dwell on someone else's mistakes. To be consumed by the addiction. Unfortunatley, you can not help him. Honestly, the worse it gets for him the better as from the bottom there is only one direction to go...up. Lift your head, dust yourself off. Your family hasnt not been destroyed. Just merely changed. You have your children, you have your life and you have God. It would be such an injustice to allow addiction to take your soul too. Allow him to make his own way and you do the same. You are a mother, daughter, sister, wife, friend. Bathe in the glory of all the blessings you do have. And live. Show your children the stregenth you thought you lost.
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Old 09-13-2011, 06:44 AM
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be an inspiration to those around you (including your husband). We must lead by example. If you want him to do what is right... then you must too.
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Old 09-13-2011, 07:02 AM
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@ angie 4
Thank you so much. Thank you for your encouragement.

I am Catholic and spoke to a priest a couple weeks back. I am so angry with GOD right now. Sad isn't it? I pray everyday for GOD to help my husband get through this addiction. I just don't understand why he hasn't answered. I feel like I have been through so much the past three years especially. Three years ago I discovered my husband cheated on me with a woman (I use the word loosely) 7 years older than my daughter. She was only 22. I received the phone call from the girl one morning when I was actually volunteering at one of my children's sporting events. The woman told me she spent the evening with my husband. I immediately went on ezpass and saw she was telling the truth. Dummy didn't not use his ezpass and the bridge toll came out of our account. Well when I confronted him he of course denied it but phone records provided me with her cell number and I called her immediately. Later I discovered he tried to end it and she became vindictive and called me. She then started calling my daughter saying vulgar things about her father. I also later discovered she shared his interest in drugs. Her interest was oxycontin and ecstasy. I read all about their sexual escapades online where she discussed what they did while on ecstasy. After three years of spiritual counseling at my church I was able to stay in the marriage. I never truly forgave him. I still bring her up. I guess knowning the drugs are what they shared and how he continues with the drugs I feel he is capable of cheating again. I do know he is looking at porn. I also saw a strange contact on his cell with an odd number. I called it and it was a singles hook up line. When asked he denied calling the number ever. Ha! Regarding the porn well his answer to that is "every man looks at porn". No they don't.
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