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Old 09-03-2011, 07:57 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Rehab Romance?

What is rehab romance? How common is it? Would anyone care to share a personal story of their experience of it...is it powerful? Real? Genuine? And do tthey last, generally?

I am asking because my boyfriend of 3 years (we have known each other 6) and I both used opiates together. Eventually our finances caught up with us, and I had to leave. We had been living together. I moved back in with my mom, and him his (I am 25 he is 23). I got clean, am going to meetings annd seeing a therapist. He went to rehab. He called me often, and we agreed we would take the time we needed to get to a clean, comfortable, healthy place individualy, and then try and see where we are as a couple. We loved each other and did not want to just give up. Of course we knew it would be a battle, and a long road, but I was under the impression it we were still him and me underneath it all.

Long story short, the last 3 days he was there I missed one phone call. Then he must have developed/realized feelings for this girl and he checked out 2 days early of a 14 day program so he could have his car for when she got out. He lied to me (said he was going o spend a few days with some guy friends he made) and went to spend a week with her at her parents house where she took care of him while he "recovered". He called me the day before he left and told me the trught (that he was with her) but was not strong enough to talk to me about it, explain it, or comfort me. He never said he was leaving me for her, or if he had been with her, or anything.

He just called tonight, once he got home, and we ttalked. I didn't cry or ask questions. We talked about our cravings, some regrets, our families reactions, etc. And ended it by sayiing we could both call nytime we wanted. I didn't ask if he was with her. I didn't ask if he would see her or when. She lives 3 hours away and just started a new job, is a recovering alcoholic he has known for 3 weeks, and he is starting work on mon...

So my questions (above as well) are - do rehab romances last? I am worried about him relapsing. He is just letting her take care of him/fill a void b/c he doesn't want to be alone. I thought if anything he would run to me, but I guess rehab made him believe he couldn't.

Sorry it is so long. Any advice/insight/stories really appreciated. Thanks!
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Old 09-04-2011, 06:55 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi. Welcome. So glad you found this site. Congrats on getting and STAYING off drugs. It's not easy. But it's worth it. I hope you stay clean forever.

Your "boyfriend" (I use "" because he's not treating you very well right now) is going to do what he is going to do. I know that hurts but it may be that he's just not as mature emotionally as you. He may not be as committed to recovery as you. And even though he SAYS he is, he may not be as committed to the relationship as you. And that sucks. But that's the way things are sometimes.

Pay attention to his actions not his words. And really be focused on your self-care right now. It's so important to focus on YOURSELF and your own personal growth and development. You can't change him. But you are certainly in charge of your life and your choices. Be good to you!

Addicts usually have strong codependent characteristics as well. Meaning we become way too involved in someone elses choices and trying to change them. There is a great book called Co-dependent No More which may be really enlightening to you. I encourage you to get a copy of it and read it. It could save you a lot of future heart ache.

In the meantime, I hope you can take the focus off his recovery and keep it on your own. And by recovery I mean building an INCREDIBLY WONDERFUL life for yourself that doesn't involve drugs or cheating, flakey guys. You can be anything or anyone you want to be. Don't let an addict boyfriend take that away from you.
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Old 09-04-2011, 07:24 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by hello-kitty View Post
You can be anything or anyone you want to be. Don't let an addict boyfriend take that away from you.
This is so very true!

Were I still enmeshed in a sick relationship with an addict, I would not be where I am today. I graduated at age 53 with two degrees from a community college, and just started a temp job I am very excited about.

There was a time I was so codependent, I settled for less than I deserved. I couldn't define where I ended and he began.

I refuse to do that anymore.

My life is so full and rich sans the insanity of an addict that it's difficult to describe.

Don't sell yourself short, dear!
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Old 09-04-2011, 07:32 AM   #4 (permalink)
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glad you found this place...you know the rules...this is YOUR RECOVERY...so worry about YOU...

stop the madness! work on you...life is YOUR path and journey...ENJOY IT SOBER because its all yours to keep...

god bless
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Old 09-04-2011, 04:30 PM   #5 (permalink)
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You know what's interesting, I have yet to get mad about him cheating. I didn't even see it that way. He really got to me. He acted like I should have expected it, and been on the same ppage. Granted the last year was bad, but we always believed if we got clean it would be us, we would have our lives back,and be in love again the way we were in the begining. And ike I said, in rehab it was still, " I love you, we will get through this". And then he went to stay with her for a week when he got out.

I feel like I am being labeled as part of the problem. I feel like he is associating me with all the badness of the past year, and this whole messy experience. And he meets this new girl who is a fresh start, someone new with whom he has no history with, no expectations. And he is being co-dependant, filling a void. Hhe said he is afraid to be alone. Maybe he just sees me as too much of a trigger.

But the truth is, is I am worried about him. I am worried he is seeing this girl. I know him and I would not be together right now, but I didn't expect him to be with someone else. I know I need to focus on me and my recovery, but I miss him. Terribly. We are talking, we spoke last night. I diddnt ask about her, we just caught up and expressed some mutual support, and regret. Nothing too specific.

There is no answer, I just need to move on. Maybe I should see him as having cheated, but the truth is is we were hardly together when you look at our actions, really only by our words. Its confusing. I don't know. But I am curois about rehab romances and whether or not they last, or they just lead. To relapse, or to relationships.

Thanks for all your insight, support, and adivce. Honestly I have never felt a bigger urge to use than when he said he was staying with someone else.
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Old 09-04-2011, 05:43 PM   #6 (permalink)
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A 14 day rehab does not recovery make, and his behaviour is not very recovery-like also.

I don't blame you for worrying about his relapse, the odds are very much in favour that it will happen sooner rather than later.

Your own recovery is new, cherish that and stay focused girl because your very life may depend on it.

All said with love in my heart because this must be very hard for you.

Hugs
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Old 09-04-2011, 07:15 PM   #7 (permalink)
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ann said it good!! prayers for you,
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Old 11-06-2011, 02:55 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I have been there and supported my ABF thru rehab and it's been 2 years of .... With the other women. I feel your pain. It won't last but likely a relapse. Be good to yourself, don't hang on like I ave done....allowing myself to be abuse with back and forth, since they hooked up it's been a big drunk and no one works.....go figure! It's going slot better and he sober now, doing well....I hope you have a happy ending with or without him.
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Old 11-13-2011, 08:45 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Why do addicts get a free pass to cheat and stumble around in their partner's lives?

What would you do if the behavior were that of a clean and sober guy who never used?

Think about it carefully. The answer is there.
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Old 11-14-2011, 07:33 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Long story short, the last 3 days he was there I missed one phone call. Then he must have developed/realized feelings for this girl and he checked out 2 days early of a 14 day program so he could have his car for when she got out. He lied to me....
Sounds like you might perceive that missing one call caused him to stray.
If only you had made that call, all would have been OK, eh.

14 days is a blip in the recovery world. That he only stayed 12 days suggests he was not remotely serious about his own recovery. That's on him.

Use your time and energy to remain focused on yourself and your own recovery, the only thing you can control. Neither you or this other girl can cause or prevent him from relapsing. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
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Old 11-14-2011, 08:17 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I want to share a story with you and hopefully I can give the condensed version.
I was in treatment met a guy his name was Dale. He ended up getting kicked out for what I thought was a pretty bogus reason, he was late coming back from a pass. So I took on his cause and I left with him.
The red flags were there from the start as he took me on a trip to Seattle for my b-day left me in a motel all night by myself while he was out with some girl who he was smoking crack with and I had to hitchhike home. Now you would have though that alone would have ended our relationship.
We stayed together for 7 years and some of it was awesome we were in the rooms of NA and we were the perfect little couple. Every 4th of July we went to Courdelane and got a motel w/hot tub in room. We would climb up this mountain and watch the fireworks.
We also took a road trip to Big Sur and went through the redwood forest but 1/2 way through the trip he got wasted on Mad Dog and it turned into another nightmare.
The last few years I went into drugs and got addicted to Heroin well he stayed w/the alcohol mostly so we were going separate ways. He cheated several times. I left 4 or 5 times before I left for good. I was what I thought so in love with him cause he got me and he stuck by me when everyone else was gone. It was a connection I felt no one understood.
He died a 10 years ago complications due to drinking. He was in and out of rehab hospitals. Very sad and I still miss him and have been single since his death.
It was a very dangerous and toxic relationship but on the flip side it was also one of the most loving ones.
Thank God I am sober and have been since May 04, but its only God's grace I lived through all of our in & outs of recovery. He would relapse then I would. He would get sober and I would relapse.
I don't know the answer for you, I am just hoping that maybe my story might prevent you some of the pain we put each other through.
I just want to end saying that our disease loves drama and chaos anything to take the focus of of our recovery.

Last edited by newby1961; 11-14-2011 at 08:18 AM. Reason: changed wording
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Old 11-15-2011, 08:02 AM   #12 (permalink)
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yeah thanks I figured that out after I wrote this long *** post but no biggie right now there are 7 people on here so it may help someone else. Thanks for being so observant
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Old 11-15-2011, 02:30 PM   #13 (permalink)
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.... our disease loves drama and chaos anything to take the focus of of our recovery.
Well put and worthy of a repaet.

Congratulations on your 6+ months in recovery. Wishing you 66 more years .
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Old 08-09-2013, 11:26 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Rehab romance

I haven't been to rehab,but my boyfriend went to rehab for opiates years ago. He hooked up with a girl in there, and they developed what seemed like a significant relationship with each other. He tells me they did not hook up sexually, but I know that is a lie- I found notes they wrote to each other about sex and saw on his phone records that they texted and spoke to each other everyday (more often then we did). I forced him to end the friendship, and they have since then discontinued correspondence, but it still hurts.

I constantly question whether I should stay with him. I wonder if rehab relationships 'count' the same way an affair would on the outside: he says he never would have gotten together with her had they met outside of treatment. But I doubt that, and so many other things he says. We have 3 kids together and he wants to get married. He's been clean for a about a year.

He mentioned that people were hooking up 'left and right' in the rehab, and everyday someone was caught f*cking or whatever.

I guess my point is this: I wish I would have left him when I found out about the other woman, and its best if you do the same. If he didn't even stay two weeks, then he's still out there just using and getting into a deeper ditch- And he will treat the next girl the same as he did to you. Perhaps he has lost interest because you are serious about getting clean? If so, I think you know what to do.

It's been 70% heartache since his affair in rehab, and the pregnancy was an accident (twins are his, and I have another child from previous relationship). What he did with her dominates my mind and emotions. It interferes with my enjoyment with sex. There are times when I have to numb myself to enjoy it, because I feel he wishes I was her. There is something about me that is missing because he risked our relationship for her.

The years we spent together can't compare to some bitch he knew for 45 days. THAT hurts.

Sorry for the rant, but do you really want to end up feeling like this? Take my advice and go forward with YOU. I am bitter, have too many kids and I constantly question my self-worth. Move on.
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Old 08-09-2013, 03:27 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Move on is excellent advise by dura. You have been given a gift, take it and run. You can get a drunk horse thief sober but he is still a horse thief.
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