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Old 07-31-2011, 08:14 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Caught Soon To Be Husband Using Cocaine

I am getting married in 1 month. I have been with my fiance for 7 years. We just bought our first home 9 months ago. We had not lived together before we bought our home.

Everything was great. His job situation was not going well, but I am understanding as long as he tries. He got a job, it wasn't really paying out & we were stressed.

In the past couple months his behavior was so different. He was up all night while I was sleeping. He was really into doing the laundry & being in the basement alone & long story short - I found out he was using cocaine.

I pay all the bills & I am paying for the wedding besides what both of our parents are helping us with. He gives me minimal money. He was spending his money on cocaine. Doing it in my home & I'm really hurt.

I don't know if he can get better. I am supposed to get married in one month. I don't know how to trust him. I feel so betrayed that he let me struggle with bills & he was spending his money on drugs. That I asked him soo many times what was going on & he could have told me.

How do we get past this? We want to work on it. How do I trust him again? And what if one of the people he was using with & was giving it to him was his good friend & is in the wedding party? I just don't know how I can go to work & know that he can be doing whatever he wants while I'm gone all day. Or when I go to bed, he can get out of bed & go do whatever he wants. He said he wants to change & he won't do it anymore. I just don't know how to believe him. Please anyone that has suggestions, please, I am so scared.
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Old 07-31-2011, 08:20 AM   #2 (permalink)
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You might get more replies if you put this in the Newcomers forum. This forum here is for questions and problems with SR. I'd try putting this in Newcomers. Welcome to SR!
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Old 07-31-2011, 08:32 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I know one thing, after you get married things will not get easier and the more challenges come, more likely, more drug abuse comes too.

And if you think after having kids things could change....wrong. It's even harder, and more responsibility which doesn't stop at age 18.

Consider yourself lucky if you can make a decision about all that before it goes south.
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Old 07-31-2011, 02:06 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi mayer!

I have moved your thread here from the "Troubleshooting" forum so that other friends and family members can share their experience, strength, and hope with you.

Welcome to SR!!

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Old 07-31-2011, 02:26 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Wow,

Only you can answer that question, and it's so very hard. Because of the time and emotional investment. The best advice I can offer is to search the board and read the stories of woman that wish they could go back and change their minds when faced with the exact same situation as you. They have been through horrors up to physical abuse. It's even more worrisome that he has no job and no means of support, so in a sense you are an enabler for his addiction as well.

Tough spot, but at least you're in a spot to make a change. You wouldn't be here if you weren't concerned.
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Old 07-31-2011, 02:26 PM   #6 (permalink)
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My thoughts: You CAN'T trust him at this point. He hasn't earned trust. It is folly to marry a person you cannot trust. You will be miserable. I hope you will reconsider the wedding until he proves that he has changed. That would mean not using, being in a program of recovery and time. At least a year. Of course, many people have come here in your same situation and we all strongly suggest that they not marry an active addict. Some heed our words and others don't. I hope you will.
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Old 07-31-2011, 02:31 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Hi Mayer,

You've ended up in the right forum and I wanted to welcome you. I can only imagine how overwhelmed, scared, upset, etc. that you are feeling right now.

My guess is that your financee has a pretty major problem but if he is like a lot of users he will minimize it. The thing about it is that you so badly want this to be different and don't yet know enough about drug use/addiction that you will possibly believe what he is telling you.

This is big deal stuff - trust, drugs, betrayal, fears, doubts, and financial issues. And all right before you are supposed to marry. On one hand I believe that you are extremely fortunate that you found all of this out before you married him. I hope that you will at least delay your wedding until he has been sober and worked a recovery program for at least a year.

Recovery from substance abuse is generally a long, slow, and difficult process. It is so much more complicated than most people realize. Once a persons brain has flipped the switch to addiction then it is permanently flipped. It sounds like your fiance might be addicted (financial issues, lying, staying up late, friends that use, etc) so I would be extremely cautious regarding taking your relationship to the next level. I'm not saying not to marry him - just give it time until you know what he is going to do and if recovery is truly something that he is going to work out.

Years ago, an addiction counselor told my husband and myself that the only way that a relationship with a recovering addict can work is if both people work a strong recovery program. I have had to work the same recovery program that I wished that my husband had worked.....my own program has helped me to endure the last 6 years. I know what it is like to live with someone in active addiction, early recovery, and then sobriety without a recovery program. It is tough going and definitely something that you want to think long and hard about.

I know that you love him and want things to work out. I can also guess that you want to stand by him and support him. You can do all of that without legally being bound to him though.

There are so many things that you can do to help yourself....and honestly, that is the best way to help him. You can start by reading all of the sticky's at the top of this forum, read Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie, go to at least 6 face to face Alanon or Naranon meetings. I would also try and find a counselor that is able to give you individual support.

Please keep posting here - there are a number of other people that have found themselves in similar situations just before or after marrying. You are not alone. I'm sure that other people will be along to welcome you and introduce themselves fo you.
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Old 07-31-2011, 02:34 PM   #8 (permalink)
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You are being given an opportunity to save yourself a lot of pain and sorrow. Please take this opportunity to learn all you can (as quickly as you can) what is ahead for you as the wife of an addict. It's no picnic.

There may come a day when your fiance will be clean and sober--but that certainly wont come any time soon and certainly not by the time you are married in a month. His saying he's not using and his actually not using are two different things. Don't fall for his lies. He's already shown you what he is capable of. It will get worse before it gets better--that is if it gets better at all.
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Old 07-31-2011, 02:35 PM   #9 (permalink)
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If it were me, I would postpone the wedding. The money lost will not compare to the money you may lose if you have to divorce later, or if he does something that you are now liable for as his wife. Money and / or saving face should not be a determining factor here.

If he is serious about his efforts to take care of this, what is one year's wait in the scheme of marrying for life?

And read this Site and you'll see what's ahead if he is not serious.

Best wishes to both of you.
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Old 07-31-2011, 03:19 PM   #10 (permalink)
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His words mean nothing, actions, actions and more positive actions. If he wants recovery, he will let nothing or anyone stand in his way. He will be on the phone finding out where meeting are and attending them without being told to do so. Remember this is his addiction, his responsibility to resolve.

If he on crack, this recovery is going to be a difficult one at best. It is a very difficult addiction to overcome.

If it were me, there is no way that I would consider going forward with the marriage. He needs to get clean and work a strong recovery program for at least a year, before I would entertain marrying this man.

What do you know about addiction,codependcey and enabling? He is the addict, you are the codependent enabler, you both need recovery. I would suggest you attend Alanon or Naranon meetings for your issues and read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

In addition, read around this board, it will help you understand what you are and will be dealing with.

Keep posting, it will help.
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Old 07-31-2011, 04:14 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR.....I'm glad you found this forum but as always, I am so sorry for the reason that brings you here.

Only you can decide what to do. We are very big about self care on this forum. Living with and loving an addict can be draining....emotionally, financially, and spiritually. Right now I would encourage you to do the right thing for YOU. Don't worry about what others might think or how parents might react or anything else.....this is YOUR future.....not theirs. Do what is right for you.

If I was in your spot right now, I suspect I would be thinking.....but the invitations have gone out.....I can't cancel the wedding now. But there are a lot of good reasons to get married and there are a lot of bad reasons to get married. Proceeding because invitations have gone out......when your internal alarm is blasting.......is not a good to get married.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with sending out something that states that the wedding has been postponed. This would give you time to work through the issues before you become further legally entangled with your fiance.

Addiction is a progressive disease. It does not get "better". With a great deal of hard work it can be "suspended" or gotten "in remission" so to speak but it never goes away. And it usually gets worse before it gets better. I don't want to scare you. But love and the promise of life together does not cure addiction. If it could, not one of us would be here.

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this so close to a date that is suppose to be one of the happiest of our lives. You and your fiance will be in my prayers. Keep us posted. Ask questions. Read. Educate yourself on addiction. And find support to help you deal with this (Naranon or Alanon are great resources for support). Let us know how you are doing.

We care. You are not alone.

gentle hugs
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Old 07-31-2011, 04:40 PM   #12 (permalink)
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mayer,

You have said that your parents will be helping pay for the wedding. Have you considered telling your parents what you have learned about your fiance?

Others here may disagree, on the view that you are an adult and your life is not your parents' business. But my view is that (1) accepting money from your parents for this wedding makes your wedding at least partly their business; (2) if you decide to cancel or at least postpone the wedding, you will have their understanding and support in taking steps to unwind the plans;
(3) if you decide to marry this man in spite of your well-founded misgivings and all the red flags from everyone here, you may need to rely on your parents for help (whether emotional or financial or both) further down the road. Your parents deserve full disclosure about what *they* may be getting into, as well as what *you're* getting into. (4) Keeping your fiance's addiction a secret from your parents uses emotional energy that could be better channeled into deciding the best course for you.
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Old 07-31-2011, 05:34 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Thank you for moving my thread to a more appropriate place. In the past 3 months he has been using. Probably two times a week. In seven years this was never an issue. He changed his phone number & I deleted myself everyone on his phone that I personally did not know.

We are going to go to couples counseling & he is going to speak with a counselor about his drug use.

Thanks for the advice, I definately have a lot to think about & consider.

He does work right now, he just doesn't make much money.

He is looking for a new job & I intend on helping him find something that is more in line with my work schedule.

I'm just scared to go to work or go to bed because I can't stop him. Only he can make those choices & we are committed to doing them.

This isn't a past for him, just bad friends & bad judgement.
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Old 07-31-2011, 06:02 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I want to show him & tell him about my post. Do you think that would be a bad idea?
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Old 07-31-2011, 06:07 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I don't think it's a good idea, but it's your call. If you know he's reading whatever you post, will you still be able to be completely honest and speak your mind? Other people have allowed their SO's to view what they've written and it can definitely cause problems. But, again, it's your call.
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Old 07-31-2011, 06:10 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Welcome Mayer,

You have found a great place, but so sorry for what has brought you here! This is my storuy but I did not kow for a couple years into the marriage. Way back when, now SXAH decided to tell me that he was using so that he would have to face things and would go into recorvery. Needless to say I am divorced, things did not change, almost lost our house before i sold it, and he had gone through rehab 3 times! he is now sober but has multiple medical issues, that will most likley take his life sooner than later.

So I am saying.... If I knew then what you just found out. Personally I would run away!!! For me, Love was replaced with so many things I pray you will not have to feel or go through. It is your choice and you have to make that choice just as he has to make the true choice to get sober and recover!

Keep reading, posting and learning!! ))) Gentle hugs(((
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Old 07-31-2011, 06:12 PM   #17 (permalink)
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I do not think showing him would be a good idea!!! IT is your choice, but Addicts are unsure how they will act. The response may be defensive and mush more damaging to your emotions.

Again you choice, but this should be your safe place!!!
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Old 07-31-2011, 06:14 PM   #18 (permalink)
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It is your decision, however, I would not recommend it.

May I ask, how did the 3 month time frame come into being? Is he the one that told you he has been using for 3 months?
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Old 07-31-2011, 06:16 PM   #19 (permalink)
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I understand what you are going through. I'm supposed to be getting married in 3 weeks, and my fiance is a recovering (?) opiate addict. It's hell. The breach of trust is the worst part. He has looked me in the eyes and lied many times. He's spent thousands of dollars on pills while i struggled to pay our bills and took on his debt so his credit didn't get destroyed. At the moment i'm pretty sure he's out buying pills and i'm trying to remember i can't control what he chooses to do. i'm in no place to give advice since i am going through the same thing. It's hard when they do want things to get better because things aren't so black and white. If my fiance had no interest in getting better, i'd leave. but he does want to, hes been going to NA several nights a week, he's been suffering through withdraws..then slipping up and suffering again. i know how hard it is, you love him and think of all the good years and want it to go back to how it was. im still hoping that's possible but some days i'm not so sure.

about showing him the post, ive told my fiance that i've posted on here, i doubt hes looked but i wanted to be honest. i think they know the damage they have caused but in the early stages of trying to get into recovery, it can be over whelming for them to really see the damage they've done to the people they love. i tried to talk to my fiance this afternoon about how scared i was for the future and he really didn't handle it well.

good luck, i hope things work out for you and your fiance.
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Old 07-31-2011, 06:21 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Mayer,

there were a lot of times that I was tempted to show my husband my posts and the responses that I received. I never did though and I was glad that I retained my privacy here. I needed this place as a support where I knew that I could let me hair down and be completely honest. He did know that I turned to this forum (and he used to make fun of me for it....) though he never actually signed on.

When I really looked at my motives in wanting to share my postings it was to manipulate the situation - make my points, scare him into better decisions, etc. What I've learned in recovery is that the best way - and only way - was to keep my hands off of him and his choices.

It is your call though. You know your situation best.....The great thing about SR is that you will alway find people that care, have lots of experience, strength, and hope and will be supportive no matter what your choices are...... I made choices that everyone recommended that I not make but I'm still here....part of this group and grateful for it. No one turned their back on me for choosing my own path. And they've certainly been here when I've needed their support as my story unfolded.

It's good that you both are getting help....the learning curve is steep at first but the more you learn and the more information you get the better able you are to deal with the circumstances.
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