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Old 07-24-2011, 01:00 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Angry Lies, Lies, Lies!

I just need to vent, get this off of my chest, so bear with me.

I am falling apart, emotionally and physically. I wake up with psychological pain and go to sleep dreading the next day. I dream about him shooting up, overdosing, and finding him dead on the floor. Sounds pretty bad, right? Well his addiction/abuse of his meds isn't what is really killing me.

It's the lies, the betrayal, the lack of faith in me to understand what he is going through. Trust is something that is very important to me, and every time he breaks that trust by lying to me or hiding his drug abuse from me, I lose a piece of myself. I feel like I'm wasting away even more with each lie he tells me.

I feel betrayed, humiliated, and worthless.

If I see one more syringe or burnt spoon, I will totally lose it. But if I leave, he'l only get worse and I'm terrified that he will overdose. If I stay, I'm enabling him to continue banging the oxys. If I tell his parents, they will disown him and he wont have a family. If I tell his doctor, he'll hate me and I will lose him forever.

Regardless of what I do, I lose, and it is so unfair that I am the one suffering, the only one who gives a damn about him. I told him that I would give up my own life to save his. Does that not mean anything to him, that I value his life more than my own? why can't he see that he is not only killing himself, but killing me as well. I'm dying inside, and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.

Life seems absolutely hopeless right now and I'm not sure if it will every get better.
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Old 07-24-2011, 01:18 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I do understand your total frustration.

Maybe look at this a bit differently. Look at, for now, accepting the fact that practicing Addicts and/or Alcoholics LIE. It is a BIG part of the affliction. They have to keep their DOC coursing through their veins.

I know, I was one for many years.

Second fact. Whether you stay or go he will continue to use until he himself reaches that point of being 'sick and tired of being sick and tired.' Yes the possibility is there that he may not find recovery and die, and that can happen if you are there or not.

By continuing to 'enable' him you are not only postponing his 'bottom' but you are denying him the CONSEQUENCES of ALL his actions, and that includes have to live in a shelter or on the streets.

As we work on ourselves to get 'well' and work a program to make us strong, many of us find that our 'fear' of what will happen to them if we leave, is really a way of massaging our 'own guilt.' Even though that 'guilt' is erroneous.

It takes time, working a program that deals with our own co dependency issues to finally accept to the very core of our being that the only person we can help, and change is ourselves, that we have no 'power' over anyone else.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much!!

Remember, we are walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-24-2011, 01:36 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I totally understand your frustration. I haven't been to any meetings yet or been in this group long, but from my view, it sounds like most of the things you're saying will be your fault are all his actions.

If you lose, you'll be doing what you think is best and it will be his decision to continue using. It's not your responsibility to make him get more -- nor can you, he has to do that himself.

If you tell his parents and they disown him, it's [B]his actions[B] that caused them to, not yours. It's not the act of you telling them, it's his actions. And he will still have a family, but only when he's on the path to recovery and can open himself up to them.

Just know that it's not your fault he's an addict and it's not your actions that cause any of the results you're worried about. He already did the things for those consequences. Him. Not you. You need to do what's healthy for yourself and not worry about him having to face the reality of his addiction.

Best of luck to you!
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Old 07-24-2011, 06:17 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Sometimes we reach our bottom long before the addict does. And it sounds like you are approaching yours.

Although I understand your comment regarding placing more value on his life than you do on your own, I hope you recognize that this is not healthy thinking for him or for you. I understand the thought process however because the addict in my life is my son. I understand the anguish, the pain so deep that it hurts your soul.

When I finally got to the point that it was a no brainer to admit that I had no control over the addict and that MY life had become unmanageable, I was ready to seek help. It's really hard to see my son struggle with his addiction. It's really hard on this mother's heart to know that he is homeless. But I think the best thing I ever did for HIM and for ME is to seek help for myself. My original intention when I went to Alanon (and now Naranon) was to find out how to get my son sober. But what I found was how I could better cope with his disease and stop my own destructive behaviors (I was doing things that were not only very bad for me but were very bad for my beloved son.)

I had been living in denial. A denial every bit as strong as my son's denial.

I have discovered that the best way I can help my son is to help myself FIRST. Just like on an airplane......they tell you that if those little masks fall down, put yours on first before assisting anyone else, we need to get help for ourselves. When we begin to get a healthier perspective, we are in a much better position to be helpful when and if they decide to get sober.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 07-24-2011, 10:15 AM   #5 (permalink)
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My RAS told me yesterday that his girl friend was afraid to kick him out because she was afraid if she did, he would be left on the streets and she feared what would happen to him then. Fortunately for my son, the legal system got involved. After his second DUI he was sent to rehab. He has a long way to go to recover not only from his addiction but from all the bad choices he made these past four years. He has a chance now, though. For that I'm grateful.

Try to let go of all you are doing that is enabling your addict to use. That really and truly is the only way. I think in my son's case, he was fast approaching his rock bottom because of the legal system. There was just no other place for him to go since all his choices at that time led him straight to the police getting involved. I told my son yesterday I was grateful for the policeman that gave him his DUI's (he got 2) and the judge that ordered rehab. These two people I believe saved my son's life.
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Old 07-24-2011, 09:28 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Thanks to all of you for the feedback, I just feel so alone right now, no one to turn to but my therapist, and it's not like I can call her in the middle of the night and cries my eyes out over the phone.

After reading each of your posts, I now realize that regardless of what I do, he will do what he chooses to do, whether that be abusing his meds or getting help. I can't save him, but I can be there for him WHEN HE IS READY to get better. But until he makes the decision to get help, I am going to focus on the only person who I can control, ME.

Again, thanks for all of your replies. I feel much better knowing that there is someone out there who will listen, without judgement, without criticism.
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Old 07-25-2011, 08:40 AM   #7 (permalink)
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[QUOTE=artist83;3045377]

If I see one more syringe or burnt spoon, I will totally lose it. But if I leave, he'l only get worse and I'm terrified that he will overdose. If I stay, I'm enabling him to continue banging the oxys. If I tell his parents, they will disown him and he wont have a family. If I tell his doctor, he'll hate me and I will lose him forever.

/QUOTE]

If you stay he will most likely get worse and overdose is a constant risk for addicts. Absolutely nothing you can say or do is going to make him clean or cause he to continue to spiral. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

You have been with this guy for about a year. I hear you say his choices and behaviors make you feel betrayed, humiliated, and worthless. When we feel this way we are ususally making someone else's addition all about us. In other words, it's about ego and fantasy that if he loved me he would snap out of it. If our love could cure this, none of us would be here.
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Old 07-25-2011, 06:36 PM   #8 (permalink)
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artist, I know how you feel and where you are at. I just today finally worked up the strenth to tell my HA BF that I need him to get clean and get back into AA/NA/HA within two weeks or he must go. The plan was I'd give him a drug test and we'd go to meetings together (I'm a RA). He said he's leaving now. So he might not be there when I get home. I know it is for the best, but it hurts so much. I know if I keep putting up with it, it is me who is getting hurt. I love him so so much but the addict in him doesn't care about that. I just thank god that I somehow found the strength to do it. Not just to make him promise me, not just to tell him that it needs to stop, but to actually put my foot down.
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Old 07-26-2011, 11:04 AM   #9 (permalink)
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"Sometimes we reach our bottom long before the addict does"

So true...thank you for that persepective.
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Old 07-26-2011, 12:39 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I feel your frusteration. I'm in a a similar situation and trying to find my way out of it. I'm new here and still looking around. I have a husband who is addicted to his meds as well. He isn't shooting oxys, but eating Fentynal patches when he can, and when he can't, taking any kind of pain killer he can get a hold of. Hang in there and do what you need to do for yourself.
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