dating a recovering addict--insight needed
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dating a recovering addict--insight needed
i was dating a recovering addict and i'm still trying to figure out what went wrong. please tell me what you think--i don't drink or use drugs, so i'm not familiar with addiction or the recovery process.
the woman i was dating had been in recovery for about a year i believe when we started dating. this normally would have been a red flag for me, but she was very upfront and honest about it and it seemed she had really turned her life around. and i really liked her! we lived about three hours from each other, so most of our dating was initially by phone and text. when we finally did have a "real date", it was really nice and we ended up having sex that night...and then a few times the next day, too. i was very interested in pursuing a relationship with her, but i was also trying not to pressure her, and i wasn't sure if she felt the same way. so before i went home, i asked her if i was going to get to see her again. she laughed and said i was crazy and of course i would see her again..."i promise", were her exact words. she said she would see me that weekend if that was ok with me. so we made plans. we talked a lot over the following days, then one day out of the blue, she went off on me. i thought she was kidding at first because it came out of nowhere and i have gone over in my mind time after time trying to figure out what i said or did to make her mad and i honestly don't know. at the time she went off, i think she had just been on the phone with her sponsor.( i should also mention that the night of our date, she told me her sponsor had told her not to come meet me...obviously she did it anyway).
after she yelled at me, i was so stunned i didn't even say anything. i didn't know what to say. she emailed me the next day and told me she just wanted me to know that she was still making plans for our weekend together and she hadn't forgotten about me. she didn't apologize(maybe she didn't owe me an apology) and i didn't say anything. she said she was just under a lot of stress and i guess she was trying to get through it. i told her to not worry about our plans if it was stressing her out that much. we could do it another time, no big deal. and i meant it. i really liked her and i didn't want her to feel pressured or stressed because i know those things can trigger a relapse. i told her to just call me when she could and we'd make plans for later. i didn't hear from her until a few weeks later. we talked a little and she seemed kind of amped and weird. i sent her an email the next week just to let her know i was thinking about her--i haven't heard from her since and that was four months ago.
so what happened? maybe someone here who is familiar with addiction and recovery could give me some insight. i am very confused. i really thought she liked me and i am pretty good at reading people and know when someone is being insincere or flattering me. i keep beating myself up wondering what i did wrong. sorry for such a long post-- i haven't told anyone about this, but i couldn't keep it to myself any longer. any advice would be much appreciated!
the woman i was dating had been in recovery for about a year i believe when we started dating. this normally would have been a red flag for me, but she was very upfront and honest about it and it seemed she had really turned her life around. and i really liked her! we lived about three hours from each other, so most of our dating was initially by phone and text. when we finally did have a "real date", it was really nice and we ended up having sex that night...and then a few times the next day, too. i was very interested in pursuing a relationship with her, but i was also trying not to pressure her, and i wasn't sure if she felt the same way. so before i went home, i asked her if i was going to get to see her again. she laughed and said i was crazy and of course i would see her again..."i promise", were her exact words. she said she would see me that weekend if that was ok with me. so we made plans. we talked a lot over the following days, then one day out of the blue, she went off on me. i thought she was kidding at first because it came out of nowhere and i have gone over in my mind time after time trying to figure out what i said or did to make her mad and i honestly don't know. at the time she went off, i think she had just been on the phone with her sponsor.( i should also mention that the night of our date, she told me her sponsor had told her not to come meet me...obviously she did it anyway).
after she yelled at me, i was so stunned i didn't even say anything. i didn't know what to say. she emailed me the next day and told me she just wanted me to know that she was still making plans for our weekend together and she hadn't forgotten about me. she didn't apologize(maybe she didn't owe me an apology) and i didn't say anything. she said she was just under a lot of stress and i guess she was trying to get through it. i told her to not worry about our plans if it was stressing her out that much. we could do it another time, no big deal. and i meant it. i really liked her and i didn't want her to feel pressured or stressed because i know those things can trigger a relapse. i told her to just call me when she could and we'd make plans for later. i didn't hear from her until a few weeks later. we talked a little and she seemed kind of amped and weird. i sent her an email the next week just to let her know i was thinking about her--i haven't heard from her since and that was four months ago.
so what happened? maybe someone here who is familiar with addiction and recovery could give me some insight. i am very confused. i really thought she liked me and i am pretty good at reading people and know when someone is being insincere or flattering me. i keep beating myself up wondering what i did wrong. sorry for such a long post-- i haven't told anyone about this, but i couldn't keep it to myself any longer. any advice would be much appreciated!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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No matter what the reason, I think you'd be wise to move on and look for someone else. You're getting off easy if you heed the red flags and move on. What more proof do you need that this woman is not capable of returning your affection? It may have nothing to do with her past, whether she has substance abuse problems or not. She's not interested in you and she's telling you loud and clear.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Welcome to SR........there are so many people here with a lot of collective wisdom about addiction. I hope you find the answers you are looking for.
Drug addiction is a disease. It affects people physically, psychologically and spiritually. It manefests in behaviors. When dealing with someone who is addicted, if we take "drugs" out of the picture and ask ourselves "Is the behavior acceptable?" We often find our answers.
It does not make sense to beat yourself up over the behavior of another person. You can't control them. You didn't cause her to behave badly. It's not about you. It could be a million other things......but it's not about you.
Her sponsor may have advised her that she wasn't ready for a relationship. One year sober for an addict is a huge milestone but it is also still considered early recovery.
Sometimes we have to accept that which we don't understand and move forward. Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Drug addiction is a disease. It affects people physically, psychologically and spiritually. It manefests in behaviors. When dealing with someone who is addicted, if we take "drugs" out of the picture and ask ourselves "Is the behavior acceptable?" We often find our answers.
It does not make sense to beat yourself up over the behavior of another person. You can't control them. You didn't cause her to behave badly. It's not about you. It could be a million other things......but it's not about you.
Her sponsor may have advised her that she wasn't ready for a relationship. One year sober for an addict is a huge milestone but it is also still considered early recovery.
Sometimes we have to accept that which we don't understand and move forward. Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
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Location: Kansas
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes 
One year sober for an addict is a huge milestone but it is also still considered early recovery.
I suspect she got herself in over her head emotionally.
I was in no way, shape or form ready to date early in recovery, but I didn't want to listen to my peers.
The result was I eventually drank again, and it was NOT worth it.
I hope you are able to move on with your life!
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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Originally Posted by kmangel
No matter what the reason, I think you'd be wise to move on and look for someone else. You're getting off easy if you heed the red flags and move on. What more proof do you need that this woman is not capable of returning your affection? It may have nothing to do with her past, whether she has substance abuse problems or not. She's not interested in you and she's telling you loud and clear.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
You may never know, or understand the reason behind her behavior. Just because she's in recovery doesn't mean she's working it (basically changing old thought patterns, behaviors, etc.) and a lot of people just have issues. Most of the time it has nothing to do with us.
As far as how much recovery a person should have to begin dating again, I've often heard "at least a year", but I have more than that, and am still working on my own codie (codependency) issues, and want to be comfortable with ME before I embark on a relationship. So, I think it's an individual thing.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
As far as how much recovery a person should have to begin dating again, I've often heard "at least a year", but I have more than that, and am still working on my own codie (codependency) issues, and want to be comfortable with ME before I embark on a relationship. So, I think it's an individual thing.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
I've read that a person in recovery should not date the first year.
Relapse is very possible and perhaps highly probable that first year. There's a lot for the newly recovering addict to deal with and dating is something they are told to put on the back burner the first year (so I've read).
Relapse is very possible and perhaps highly probable that first year. There's a lot for the newly recovering addict to deal with and dating is something they are told to put on the back burner the first year (so I've read).
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Your story is like mine. That erratic stuff is confusing but you will get tired of asking questions and walking on eggshells. Her recovery or relapse are her doing so nothing you do or say is responsible for either.
Funny because I tried to just be a supportive friend to the guy but he pushed for a level of intimacy that normally takes months to develop. Then he freaked out. Emotionally they don't have the capacity. That is why they caution them to not be in serious relationships until they have a grip on recovery. A year is arbitrary because some people may be ready others can take years or never be healthy in relationships.
What I read from your post is this fear you have of her disease and how it is affecting your connection with her. It is part of her and will affect the relationship, even in a healthy recovered person. That is a lot to take on. A whole lot. What you are feeling is the tip of the iceberg if things get more serious. Something to consider, that is all.
Funny because I tried to just be a supportive friend to the guy but he pushed for a level of intimacy that normally takes months to develop. Then he freaked out. Emotionally they don't have the capacity. That is why they caution them to not be in serious relationships until they have a grip on recovery. A year is arbitrary because some people may be ready others can take years or never be healthy in relationships.
What I read from your post is this fear you have of her disease and how it is affecting your connection with her. It is part of her and will affect the relationship, even in a healthy recovered person. That is a lot to take on. A whole lot. What you are feeling is the tip of the iceberg if things get more serious. Something to consider, that is all.
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I don't have a fear of her disease-- I was just trying to be understanding and give her space if she needed it. Although I have never dated a recovering addict, I have known people who have. I know it is a LOT to take on and I am more than willing to. Everyone has issues and i can be supportive without taking on her problems. the thing that bothers me is not knowing what caused her to just disappear. something must have happened. but i guess it doesn't matter--there's nothing i can do about it. i will not give up on her though... i just wish she knew that. i pray everyday for her happiness and sobriety, even if she never wants to see me again. for the first time in my life, i can honestly say i love someone without expecting anything in return. the thought of her adorable face puts me in a better mood. i just hope she's ok, that's all.
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