thequest

More vent than anything.

The abuser here has been finally suffering real world financial consequences of anything from steroid, alcohol, misc drug & gambling abuse along with plain old WAY over spending-for DECADES. It's been a year of consequences. Even for him they are consequences he can no longer ignore.

But he's blaming those who didn't help or loan/give him money when he needed/wanted it. Sometimes direct and frequently with indirect reminders. He's playing a bitter victim now-he was just angry before. His consequences are MANY times worse than what they were less than 2 years ago after decades of said addictions/abuses. He's suffering consequences galore but he's still not dealing with them, especially mentally. He's still finding money for various substances & activities. I don't think he's hit bottom yet. To top it off the few things I thought he had no problem with have problems that were NEVER addressed.

I guess the only question I have would be is an addict/abuser going from always being angry/agitated to a bitter victim a sign of anything good or bad?

artist83

The love of my life is an addict, but has never played the role of the victim. He knows that he is to blame for his addiction, but he seems to be an odd case. I was in a terrible relationship for 7 years (with an cocaine addict, thief, and verbal abuser) and the reason I stayed in the relationship for so long was because I felt sorry for him. He would steal money from me to feed his habit then would beg and plead for me not to leave him because he claimed no one had ever given a damn about him, no one would help him, and so on and so on.

The sad part is that I did give a damn and tried to help him over and over again, but instead of accepting his addiction and seeking help, he continued to manipulate me into viewing him as a victim.

In my experience, this becomes an endless cycle - going from angry abuser to bitter victim, then back to angry abuser. Unless he actually admits to himself that HE is responsible for his addiction, the cycle will continue. Don't fall for the "poor me" bit - it will only make you feel sorry for him, which is not what he needs.

Hope this helps.

suki44883

Well, it's denial. Denial can kill a person as surely as a gun, it just takes longer. Either he'll continue on in his denial and nothing will improve and may, in fact, get much worse, or he'll figure out that the common denominator in all his problems is...him. In any case, it's something only he can deal with, if he chooses to.

kmangel

Many (most) people don't want to take responsibility for their mistakes. People tend to place blame on others rather than face the music of the consequences of their actions. I would imagine it's all part of the process of bringing your A to the place where he stops blaming others and reaches out for help. A's can be very stiff necked it seems to me. Where I don't personally care for pain and suffering and prefer to learn from other's experiences so I don't have to be in pain and suffering, they seem to bring on more and more discomfort to themselves. IMO, I think it's all part of the process for your A. Some may come to reaching out for help sooner than others, but so far your A hasn't suffered enough discomfort yet. He's running across people who are enabling him and slowing up the process. When my son stopped coming up with excuses and blame then I began to have hope the time was near for him to deal with his addiction.

thequest

I think that exactly whats happening. He actually bosted having to drive someone too drunk to drive home from a bar recently. Hellooooo, hanging out with people so plastered they shouldn't drive???