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Old 07-06-2011, 03:12 PM   #1 (permalink)
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HELP!!!!! Son and meth

I am probably going to sound like a broken record to alot of you, but my 23 year old son is an addict and i found out has been for several years. weed/cocaine/oxicotin and now meth....becuase he claims he needs tht to stay of oxi....i have been paying attorneys fees, buying cars, drained my retirement and he still has not cleaned up....he has lost his company, his job, his realtionship, everything.....spent time in jail....heard all the plans.....and the day he got out found a high again (sorry i do not know the language). He stole all my jewelry and now I have sent him to oklahoma to live with his grandmother and I am afraid he is starting to get high again. I gues all is my dault, because I gVE HIM EVERYTHING, he never needed for anything.....why do they goet high and continuously dissapoint....i am newly married and my son stole from him so now my husband does not want him back int he house, my son has lived in homeless shelters, firneds couches and on the street the past two yers......i am still sending money and trying to help, but i want to stop and do not know how, i am afraid he will be on the street in OK and not know anyone and possible get hurt.....my counsellor told me none of this is my problem.....how does a mother just stop????? please help me.....thank you
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Old 07-06-2011, 04:24 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I am SO sorry for what you are going through. I have been there. Using meth to get off another drug is the worst idea ever- like setting your house on fire to stop the roof from leaking. Meth was my son's drug of choice - he is in recovery now but I know that he still struggles.

It's hard not to blame yourself- we gave our son a lot & enabled him for a long time trying to save him from hurt- we bailed him out of jail, gave him money, allowed him to live with us so he wouldn't be out on the street. In doing that, we also protected him from a lot of consequences that he should have experienced. However, eventually his using caught up with him.

We tried all kinds of things to get him to stop, but until he was ready it did no good. We as parents didn't cause his addiction and we also didn't cause him to get clean- both were out of our control.

I know it breaks your heart to think of your son on the street but giving him money isn't really helping him. It's important to set some boundaries- it's hard but otherwise his addiction can literally make you sick.

If there are Nar-anon meetings in your area, I encourage you to check them out- if not, Al-anon. It helps me tremendously to be around others who understand.

Glad you posted here! I'm pretty new to this forum but it is a great place for support. Take care & keep coming back!
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Old 07-06-2011, 04:41 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Hi katrina, First of all let me say that Naples is one of the nicest places I have ever visited.....NOW~~~I found out that my son was addicted to drugs years ago. Thats when I should have started therapy but waited 3 more years. In the meantime I was paying for alot of things~~rent, electric bills, gas bills, truck pyments etc!! I was the good mom watching out for my son.....NOT~~~~~ I was making it easier for him to get his drugs with the money he had which should have been going towards his bills....I finally learned to back away and let him make his choices himself. He never stole from us and we never saw him high so it was like a dream to me that we were going through this process with him......until he and his dad went into business together and were doing great. Within months he was back to his old tricks and we had to shut him off completely and close down the business. He went to the Salvation army rehab (free))) and is now on his own trying to get his business back up and working. Looks good from here but we are still staying away from his life. It hurts big time but in time maybe we can all regroup as a family. I wish you luck hon. Its not easy...do whats good for you but please look for some help alone the way...Hugs~ B
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Old 07-06-2011, 05:05 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi Katrina,

I am sorry for I know this is very painful for you. I wish I had answers, but I am still letting my 40 year old son live with me. He is not drinking or drugging, unless he gets money, which he does not get. since he does not work. but when he does, he abuses his self, and me as a casualty of his frustrations, anxieties, and not doing anything for his self.

I made things easier for my son during his young life too. Went to school when there were problems, and made excuses for him when I should not have. I never let him suffer when he needed to. now, he only thinks of his self. and it is killing me.

I hope that you can get to nar anon. i dont know if people take meth to stay off oxi, but that sounds like crap to me. he could go for help , if he wanted help. I hope your mom is ok, as it might be hell for her too, dealing with him. he may be stealing her blind. but, you can't make him want to change, only his experiences in this world can do that.

I hope that you can find some comfort. please hang around here. it is the only thing keeping me sane, and the only thing that is helping me to see the light and hopefully to get stronger and put my son out. I feel he has mental issues, but i feel that he could come to me and say, I want to feel better, i want to get my life together, but he does not . he wants his cake and to eat it too. free ride, tho he hates his life, he needs help. and i am lost. dont let your son run your life. what if you werent here, what would he do.

i am hoping to get my son out, and i hope that he wants to live. i am almost losing my mind. dont let your son get to be 40, and still living with you, using you up.

wishing him and you well,
chicory
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Old 07-06-2011, 05:35 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Meth Addiction



Katrina, I just wanted to send you my thoughts and prayers for your family. I am a wife, and mother of 7 kids. I am also a recovering meth addict and alcoholic. I used meth everyday for 7 years, and a lot! I have now been clean for 9 years from it, and I still have dreamz about it on a weekly basis.

I have been blessed that none of my kidz have had any drug use. So, I can only speak from my own experience but not as a mother trying to get thru such a terrible and difficult time. I do believe that what the others said about giving him money...You are just enabling him to continue. You need to completely shut yourself from helping him in that capacity. I would let him know that U love him and are there if he needs to talk, but that you no longer can financially help him, and that you hope one day he understands. It doesn't matter how much you help him emotionally or financially...If he doesn't want to stop he isn't going to by others sending him to rehabs. He has to want to stop and then take full time responsibility for his staying clean. It is a complete life changing process to not go around Absolutely anyone that is also using, he will have to start from square one again.

God Bless You,
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Old 07-06-2011, 05:37 PM   #6 (permalink)
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He stole all my jewelry and now I have sent him to oklahoma to live with his grandmother and I am afraid he is starting to get high again.
As another mother of an addict I can tell you that nothing you do or don't do will make any difference. Love can't save him, only he can do that when he is ready.

I shuddered when I read your sentence above...grandma is a sitting duck for an active addict. Please ensure she locks up her valuables, bank card, medications, car keys and anything of value. Too many times we hear how the grandparents lost everything trying to help.

I am so sorry for your pain, I know it well. I will keep you and your son (and grandma) in my prayers.

Hugs
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Old 07-06-2011, 09:21 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I am only a few minutes new to this board -- except that I think I recall being here some years ago and reading the same kinds of messages you're seeing now. They stuck in my mind, and helped a great deal. When I got to the point of going to Nar-Anon, it all became even clearer.

It is horrible. It hurts like hell. And there is no avoiding that, really.

For me, it's all about that simple serenity prayer -- especially accepting the things we can not change. As I just posted here, I'm the mom of a 24-year-old young woman who has everything going for her, but all destroyed to this point from heroin addiction.

It just plain HURTS, all the time. I can't lock my heart away -- the pain is there. I've struggled with this from every angle there is. I even got to the point of being suicidal myself, because if the one child I've produced amounts to nothing in this world, then what is MY purpose anymore??

That's the big question that everything hinges on... realizing that your own life does have meaning for others, beyond your addict. For that reason, you must take care of yourself.

In fact you have a real obligation to take care of yourself!

Your own life has value and meaning.

You can detach from your son's illness, to save yourself. It doesn't mean you don't love him.

In Nar-Anon, they say "detach with love." It took me a long time to understand that that isn't about being selfish -- it's about survival. They also talk of the "Three C's" -- you didn't Cause it; you can't Control it; you can't Cure it...

It is a disease that gets them, and can drag you right down with them.

I always thought I would throw myself in front of a bus -- or a ravenous tiger or anything else -- if it would save my daughter. I would literally give my life for hers. That's our instinct as mothers. But it took me awhile to realize that with this disease, throwing myself in front of that bus would NOT save her -- it would only hurt the people on earth who still need me.

It's been said that we can't take their medicine for them.

If there were anything we COULD do, mothers all over the world would be doing it!! It'd be on all the news channels as a new phenomenon!

Instead what we're experiencing is all in the shadows... With a trend of cutting spending (rather than cutting wealth-fare), the reality of what's happening in our suburbs -- all across the country -- stays invisible. No politician will address it. It's all secret.

But you aren't alone. It's epidemic. In some areas it's meth, and in others (like mine) it's heroin. If ever a terrorist wanted to hurt this nation, could they do any better than this?!

"How does a mother just stop??" You can't stop caring and you can't stop hurting -- believe me, I know.

You can only stop what you've been doing -- and only with the realization that it is not helping, it's simply enabling. Addicts need to confront stark realities about their own responsibilities before they can come around. (I know that the dice we roll is about whether or not they will SURVIVE those realities.)

Sorry to go on and on -- my first post on this board. Hope some part of this was helpful.
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Old 07-07-2011, 05:16 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Katrina,

Welcome to SR, I am so very sorry for what you are going through. Meth is a nasty drug, I know they all are, but my main expierence with my ex was his meth use, and also with my brother as well. I asked all the questions you did, why why why..... I have found that I will never really get those anawers. So I had to turn my attention around to myself and my son. I had to start taking care of us. It will be tough at times, no lie there, but take things one day at a time, one minute at a time if you have to. Keep coming back, read and post. We are here for you....
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Old 07-07-2011, 05:38 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Welcome,

Lots of good posts above me. People who really care, and want to support you in your journey to free yourself from the jaws of enabling and codependency.

Unfortunately, until you stop being an enabler, he will never have the opportunity to reach his bottom, and thus, will never seek a strong recovery program. This is not my rule, it is just fact.

I also suggest that you start attending meeting, such as Alanon, and go to your local library, read up on codependency and drug addiction.

To me, meth and crack are the two most vile drugs on the face of our planet. They both are very difficult to stop using, but, it can be done, with a burning desire to quit and supported by a strong recovery program. A program that he himself will have to embrace. You cannot do it for him.

As for him going to his grandmothers, well, that shakes me to my core. As to her generation, addiction was not as prevelant as it is today. So her understanding and coping skills in dealing with his disease is limited. Meth can make people do crazy things, and her safety may be at risk.

These are just my thoughts, keep posting, keep reading others post, it will help.
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Old 07-07-2011, 06:07 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR......this is a great forum full of wonderful people who understand how it feels to love an addict.

My son is a meth addict. He is 30. He is currently homeless. He is surviving. I'm not entirely sure how but he calls me now and then and seems to be "ok".

I have struggled (and still do in some ways) with this but here is how I handle it. I love the saying "In nature there is no punishment.....only consequences." So I think of nature and how a "mother" in nature would handle their offspring.

A mother bear will initially feed her cub as mammals do--breastfeeding. Then as she weans the cub, she'll go out and kill something and bring it back to the cub. As the cub grows she takes him out and shows him HOW to kill his own meals or forage for berries or whatever they eat. And eventually she insists that the cub move on, get his own territory, and make his own kills and find his own food.

Now imagine that cub coming back to mother bear's territory as a full grown bear and happens upon his mother and her fresh kill. And he decides that he's going to help himself to it. That mother bear would kill him....literally. It would not be allowed. It is against the laws of nature.

Now I'm not suggesting that we kill our offspring! lol But I am saying that in the human species there are laws of nature too. And personally, I worked against the laws of nature for a long time. The laws of nature are more powerful than I am.

Your story is very similar to mine. I did a lot of protecting and paying and bailing out and cajoling thinking that I could somehow get him to "see the light" and realize that a sober life is a better life. But in reality all I was doing was robbing him of the opportunity to learn the laws of nature.

He is learning those laws now. And I am loving him from a detached perspective. I'm not trying to change him or tell him how to live his life. I am not rescuing him. I am working very hard on me and attending two meetings (one Naranon one Alanon) meeting a week. I read, study, pray and am working the steps in a step study group. Quite honestly, I'm finding out so much about myself and my behavior and how I need to change. And I am realizing that I am in need of a lot of adjustment and really shouldn't be telling him or anyone how to live their life. lol

Do I worry about my son? Yes but it no longer consumes me like it once did--he is in God's hands. I'm living my life. I have found serenity even though he continues to use. Is my life perfect? Heck no.......but it's a lot better than it was.....it is no longer unmanagable. And I know that with continued work on my part, it can and will get better yet.

I hope you stick around. There are so many people here on SR who have taught me so much through their own ESH (experience, strength and hope).

You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 07-07-2011, 06:29 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Hello Katrina, and welcome to SR.

I can tell you it's possible to love a child to death.

I watched it firsthand in the little town where I live.

The lady addict never wanted for a thing. Her parents financed rehab for her over a dozen times.

They financed two businesses, both which went bellyup because the profits were going up the addict's nose.

They made sure she had a house to live in, a car to drive, food, paid her bills, you name it.

The end result was a 50 year old woman who might have weighed 90 pounds sopping wet, had what I call a death cough the last I saw her, and her mother got to bury her a few months after I had run into her.

Fortunately her father had died years earlier so he didn't have to be present at his own daughter's funeral.

She never had an opportunity to get better, to find recovery, because her parents always saw to it she was taken care of.

I have a 33-year-old addict daughter. She's a clever girl and has never been homeless for more than 24 hours. She knows how to work the system, and hasn't had a job since she was 18 years old.

She gets nothing from me and if it were not for my 15-year-old granddaughter who lives with her, I'd have no contact with her at all.

God's got a plan for her, and I'm staying out of the way.

I sleep well at night knowing I have place her in God's loving hands.
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Old 07-07-2011, 07:14 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Katrina, I am not a mother of an addict. I am a wife of one. I cant imagine what it would be like to watch your child suffer like that. You must feel so helpless. I can say that being here, reading and writing will help. Stay strong and on your knees and you will get through. My mother in law has 2 sons. Both are addicts. My AH has become my problem but she does have one son (34 years old) who lives at home. He is an addict and relys on his mom for everything. She pays all the bills, cooks his meals, cleans his clothes, bails him out when necessary, repairs his truck (after each time he wrecks it) and makes excuces for him. I am an outsider and dont know what her reasons are. I suppose just plain and simple love. But, let me tell you it is doing him absolutley NO good. He is a grown man and she needs to force him to act like one. Think about it. If you knew that ALL your problems would be handled by someone else wouldnt you just sit back and have fun. Would you have any reason to grow up and take care of business. Believe me, if I thought someone else would pay the bills I wouldnt go to work. If I thought someone else would wash the dishes I would let them sit. Ha! You and I know life isnt like that. If we dont dust the living room its not going to magically get dusted. i know that it putting it in simple terms but think about it. If you dont allow him to be adult and make his own way (even if its not the one you would choose for him) he will never stand on his own two feet. Push that little birdie out of the nest. You have raised him. You have loved him. You have taught him all that you can. It is now on your grown son's shoulders to be the man you raised. And if he chooses to live on the streets and use drugs it is not your fault. As he is a grown man. Let him be one. You are doing him not justice by treating him like a child. Children will only be children as long as you allow them to be. Just some advice from an outsider who is watching this same situation play out to someone near and dear to me.
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Old 07-07-2011, 08:13 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Hello Katrina:

Count me in the "mothers who can love their adult children to death" group. I have more than one adult children who are extremely dysfunctional/drug addicts. I am so sorry you are going through this, but as you can see from all the postings, you are not alone.

You have done little to nothing that we all have not done and sometimes still do. I keep dusting myself off every time I contribute to their downward spiral and emmerse myself in reading and concentrating on me. Serenity prayer will usually break my obsessive thoughts about what I can do to stop them from self-destruction. I'm not where I want to be yet, but I am slowly climbing out of my hole.

My prayers are with you and your family. I know this is difficult, but read all the postings with an open mind. What have you got to lose but the insanity?

Huggs
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Old 07-07-2011, 03:18 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Thank you so much for sharing, god bless you, you are really struggling, it is conforting in a very very strange way to know that we are not going thru this alone, most of the time I feel so alone in this and how terrible of a mom I am, but I am very new to this, but I find it somewhat comfronting,...please keep in touch.....katrina
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Old 07-07-2011, 03:21 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Katrina, I am not a mother of an addict. I am a wife of one. I cant imagine what it would be like to watch your child suffer like that. You must feel so helpless. I can say that being here, reading and writing will help. Stay strong and on your knees and you will get through. My mother in law has 2 sons. Both are addicts. My AH has become my problem but she does have one son (34 years old) who lives at home. He is an addict and relys on his mom for everything. She pays all the bills, cooks his meals, cleans his clothes, bails him out when necessary, repairs his truck (after each time he wrecks it) and makes excuces for him. I am an outsider and dont know what her reasons are. I suppose just plain and simple love. But, let me tell you it is doing him absolutley NO good. He is a grown man and she needs to force him to act like one. Think about it. If you knew that ALL your problems would be handled by someone else wouldnt you just sit back and have fun. Would you have any reason to grow up and take care of business. Believe me, if I thought someone else would pay the bills I wouldnt go to work. If I thought someone else would wash the dishes I would let them sit. Ha! You and I know life isnt like that. If we dont dust the living room its not going to magically get dusted. i know that it putting it in simple terms but think about it. If you dont allow him to be adult and make his own way (even if its not the one you would choose for him) he will never stand on his own two feet. Push that little birdie out of the nest. You have raised him. You have loved him. You have taught him all that you can. It is now on your grown son's shoulders to be the man you raised. And if he chooses to live on the streets and use drugs it is not your fault. As he is a grown man. Let him be one. You are doing him not justice by treating him like a child. Children will only be children as long as you allow them to be. Just some advice from an outsider who is watching this same situation play out to someone near and dear to me.
All I can say is THANK YOU for those words of wisdom!!!!!

God Bless

Katrina
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Old 07-07-2011, 03:24 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Hello Katrina, and welcome to SR.

I can tell you it's possible to love a child to death.

I watched it firsthand in the little town where I live.

The lady addict never wanted for a thing. Her parents financed rehab for her over a dozen times.

They financed two businesses, both which went bellyup because the profits were going up the addict's nose.

They made sure she had a house to live in, a car to drive, food, paid her bills, you name it.

The end result was a 50 year old woman who might have weighed 90 pounds sopping wet, had what I call a death cough the last I saw her, and her mother got to bury her a few months after I had run into her.

Fortunately her father had died years earlier so he didn't have to be present at his own daughter's funeral.

She never had an opportunity to get better, to find recovery, because her parents always saw to it she was taken care of.

I have a 33-year-old addict daughter. She's a clever girl and has never been homeless for more than 24 hours. She knows how to work the system, and hasn't had a job since she was 18 years old.

She gets nothing from me and if it were not for my 15-year-old granddaughter who lives with her, I'd have no contact with her at all.

God's got a plan for her, and I'm staying out of the way.

I sleep well at night knowing I have place her in God's loving hands.
Amen!!!

P.S. Love your doggies........
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Old 07-07-2011, 03:27 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR......this is a great forum full of wonderful people who understand how it feels to love an addict.

My son is a meth addict. He is 30. He is currently homeless. He is surviving. I'm not entirely sure how but he calls me now and then and seems to be "ok".

I have struggled (and still do in some ways) with this but here is how I handle it. I love the saying "In nature there is no punishment.....only consequences." So I think of nature and how a "mother" in nature would handle their offspring.

A mother bear will initially feed her cub as mammals do--breastfeeding. Then as she weans the cub, she'll go out and kill something and bring it back to the cub. As the cub grows she takes him out and shows him HOW to kill his own meals or forage for berries or whatever they eat. And eventually she insists that the cub move on, get his own territory, and make his own kills and find his own food.

Now imagine that cub coming back to mother bear's territory as a full grown bear and happens upon his mother and her fresh kill. And he decides that he's going to help himself to it. That mother bear would kill him....literally. It would not be allowed. It is against the laws of nature.

Now I'm not suggesting that we kill our offspring! lol But I am saying that in the human species there are laws of nature too. And personally, I worked against the laws of nature for a long time. The laws of nature are more powerful than I am.

Your story is very similar to mine. I did a lot of protecting and paying and bailing out and cajoling thinking that I could somehow get him to "see the light" and realize that a sober life is a better life. But in reality all I was doing was robbing him of the opportunity to learn the laws of nature.

He is learning those laws now. And I am loving him from a detached perspective. I'm not trying to change him or tell him how to live his life. I am not rescuing him. I am working very hard on me and attending two meetings (one Naranon one Alanon) meeting a week. I read, study, pray and am working the steps in a step study group. Quite honestly, I'm finding out so much about myself and my behavior and how I need to change. And I am realizing that I am in need of a lot of adjustment and really shouldn't be telling him or anyone how to live their life. lol

Do I worry about my son? Yes but it no longer consumes me like it once did--he is in God's hands. I'm living my life. I have found serenity even though he continues to use. Is my life perfect? Heck no.......but it's a lot better than it was.....it is no longer unmanagable. And I know that with continued work on my part, it can and will get better yet.

I hope you stick around. There are so many people here on SR who have taught me so much through their own ESH (experience, strength and hope).

You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke
Bingo....you really hit the nail on the head. thank you
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Old 07-07-2011, 03:31 PM   #18 (permalink)
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I am only a few minutes new to this board -- except that I think I recall being here some years ago and reading the same kinds of messages you're seeing now. They stuck in my mind, and helped a great deal. When I got to the point of going to Nar-Anon, it all became even clearer.

It is horrible. It hurts like hell. And there is no avoiding that, really.

For me, it's all about that simple serenity prayer -- especially accepting the things we can not change. As I just posted here, I'm the mom of a 24-year-old young woman who has everything going for her, but all destroyed to this point from heroin addiction.

It just plain HURTS, all the time. I can't lock my heart away -- the pain is there. I've struggled with this from every angle there is. I even got to the point of being suicidal myself, because if the one child I've produced amounts to nothing in this world, then what is MY purpose anymore??

That's the big question that everything hinges on... realizing that your own life does have meaning for others, beyond your addict. For that reason, you must take care of yourself.

In fact you have a real obligation to take care of yourself!

Your own life has value and meaning.

You can detach from your son's illness, to save yourself. It doesn't mean you don't love him.

In Nar-Anon, they say "detach with love." It took me a long time to understand that that isn't about being selfish -- it's about survival. They also talk of the "Three C's" -- you didn't Cause it; you can't Control it; you can't Cure it...

It is a disease that gets them, and can drag you right down with them.

I always thought I would throw myself in front of a bus -- or a ravenous tiger or anything else -- if it would save my daughter. I would literally give my life for hers. That's our instinct as mothers. But it took me awhile to realize that with this disease, throwing myself in front of that bus would NOT save her -- it would only hurt the people on earth who still need me.

It's been said that we can't take their medicine for them.

If there were anything we COULD do, mothers all over the world would be doing it!! It'd be on all the news channels as a new phenomenon!

Instead what we're experiencing is all in the shadows... With a trend of cutting spending (rather than cutting wealth-fare), the reality of what's happening in our suburbs -- all across the country -- stays invisible. No politician will address it. It's all secret.

But you aren't alone. It's epidemic. In some areas it's meth, and in others (like mine) it's heroin. If ever a terrorist wanted to hurt this nation, could they do any better than this?!

"How does a mother just stop??" You can't stop caring and you can't stop hurting -- believe me, I know.

You can only stop what you've been doing -- and only with the realization that it is not helping, it's simply enabling. Addicts need to confront stark realities about their own responsibilities before they can come around. (I know that the dice we roll is about whether or not they will SURVIVE those realities.)

Sorry to go on and on -- my first post on this board. Hope some part of this was helpful.
You have been very helpful....I have the three C's on my frig and read them probably 10 times a day!!!!!
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Old 07-07-2011, 03:34 PM   #19 (permalink)
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NARNON meetings

I live in Naples Florida, and have been on the web site for Narnon, but the closest is 1.5 hours away....does anyone live in Naples, FLORIDA and know where meetings are???? I know we have a HUGE drug problem here, so where do the families go????
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Old 07-07-2011, 03:35 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Thank you so much for sharing, god bless you, you are really struggling, it is conforting in a very very strange way to know that we are not going thru this alone, most of the time I feel so alone in this and how terrible of a mom I am, but I am very new to this, but I find it somewhat comfronting,...please keep in touch.....katrina
You're not a terrible mom! No one gives us a manual on parenting, and certainly not on parenting an addict!

We do the best that we can with what we have at the time, yes?

My parents were my best enablers when I was active in addiction. They didn't know any better.

:ghug3
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