BeavsDad

My son hit his "bottom" again and again we let him back in on 6 Jun. (guest room this time) He is back to 2 meetings a day, fellowship, working out, eating everything (put on at least 15 lbs.) looking for work, being helpful etc...just like Dr Jekyll has always been. All 4 of us (me, wife, son, son's sponsor) agree that he needs to get in a Sober Living Environment soon, before the demons come back. (Usually around 4 -5 month sober point.) Even though his old girlfriend won't be a potential trigger this time, we still feel that being "too comfortable" at home may be a trigger in itself.

Anyways, the advice I'm seeking today has to do with possible enabling. His truck is shot and pretty much unsafe to drive. I would like him to get what he can for it and offer him a small loan to get something reliable so he can go to the other side of town where the SLEs are and find work there. My wife is very hesitant because of the enabling thing. She says "if we do it, we shouldn't count on being paid back". I somewhat agree. Dr Jekyll pays his debts and Mr Hyde doesn't. I don't necessarily consider it enabling to offer him a loan, while in recovery, not active addiction, so he can have a safe vehicle to start this next phase of his life.

I dread letting him stay here too long, getting too comfortable again, while saving for a vehicle and then finding an SLE.

So am I having enabler thoughts and putting a codie spin on it or is it possible to consider it a gesture of faith?

I realize that we could bring him across town to the SLE with no vehicle and have him find a job to walk to, but that isn't on the table yet.

suki44883

I agree with Cynical One. Why can't he go to the SLE now? They are usually on or close to a bus route. He can get a car later after he gets a job and saves the money.

dollydo

I would drive him to the SLE, and let him take the bus to his job. He is an adult, let him work and save for his new ride.

I agree with your wife, if you decide to "give" him a loan, I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for him to pay you back.

Enabling him is not going to help him one little bit, it is way too soon to know whether he is actually going to embrace recovery or not. To me, you are jumping the gun.

Just my 2 cents.

Freedom1990

When I got out of rehab, I was the single mother of an 8-year-old daughter, and had no car. I walked every day putting in applications and landed a full-time job at a nursing home within a week.

The nursing home was on the opposite end of town, and I guarantee it did not kill me to walk to/from work, even in crappy weather.

I also had a car break down 120 miles from home on Christmas day one year. I was 46 at the time. The valves went out and the car went to the scrap yard.

I was on foot for 7 months, walking to two jobs. I walked in rain, snow, and pretty danged hot Kansas weather too. I improvised, and when I needed a big bag of dog food, I took my youngest daughter's old stroller with me to the store and pushed it home in that.

So my take on "needing" a vehicle is different than a lot of people's.

BeavsDad

I appreciate where you all are coming from with the hard-core tough love advice and I definitely can appreciate the life experiences. That's why I specifically mentioned it at the end of my post.

The money doesn't stress me. I would just like him to have a safe vehicle. He would drive his until the wheel falls off.(ball joint shot along with electrical ghosts)

I do realize there could be humility lessons if he had to walk/bus.

I guess I was not so simply asking if helping an addict during recovery is still enabling on the same level as when they are acively using.

I get so wrapped up in anayzing my codie behaviors that I don't even know when it's appropriate to offer help to someone that is completely within my means...

Latte

What about copying pages of the manual to fix the parts from the library and making it a project? It won't be easy but it can be done. DH was raised with a single Mom and learned how to fix most anything with just him, his Mom and the manual to the vehicle.

BeavsDad

Wife said "If you are giving up on fixing it, it must need to go".

It's become a money pit. It needs $700 worth of front end work and that still would leave it with an electrical ghost that has popped 3 computers already. Having someone try (again) to find the electrical ghost would cost quite a bit in labor.

suki44883

Whether or not you can afford it is not the issue. He must work his way up to having his own car. Like was said before, he hasn't proven that this recovery will actually take. Make him prove it. Running out and buying him a car doesn't teach him anything. Having to work, living at a SLE and riding the bus, walking or riding a bike while saving up for a car will teach him something.

We don't do our addicts any favors when we make things easy for them. It might make you feel better, but that isn't what is important.

outtolunch

This has nothing to do with teaching him humility and all to do with giving him the dignity to earn a car. If you continue to give him handouts he learns to put his hand out.

This has nothing to do with drugs or his legal issues and all to do with him having an opportunity to take responsibility for himself.

cmc

BeavsDad....the car issue was the last one to go for us and once we finally let go and allowed our son to face the 'full impact' of his past choices- we were finally free from doing our part to keep him 'going on the same path' he'd been traveling.

That path was still the same for him despite many many many 2-3 monthlong spans of clean time plus one stretch that lasted for over 9 months. That last clean period started during his third completed stay at the same sober house he'd been in and out of for about 4 years.

After graduating from the program (for the second time) he stayed on a few months as a staff member, yet still went 'out' and that last time was his worst. It was at that point that we finally quit supporting him.

It was mostly about our fears for his safety in a very bad neighborhood -one he chose to live in.

A very long story short. He managed without the car- got rides from 'friends' and an enabler employer. He was 'missing' (from us) for almost two months..which happens to be when I first found this site.

As a family today- we are so grateful. He got arrested; used a public defender for the first time and took up the judge's kind offer to attend a drug farm/boot camp style program. He served almost a year and has been clean over five years now.

I must say that I have no regrets about finally giving him his dignity back...and allowing him to own & feel his 'own success' without being constantly second guessed about whether he was able to stand on his own two feet. That is how it was before we finally realized that what we were doing was not helpful in any respect.

btw...Most of the times that I thought my son had 'hit bottom' was really about me hitting mine...and I needed to change just as much has he did.

The last time I got his car out of impound I regretted it within a week. That was when I knew that I was helping him to continue on as usual...just like he did for the previous ten years.

I suggest you attend some open NA and AA meetings to find out what it takes for a person to finally hit bottom and become willing to do what it takes to succeed in recovery. Speaker meetings were my favorites.

That's what I did and it helped me as much if not more than my weekly Al-Anon programs did.

Chino

I grew up in a major metro city and took the bus, walked, rode a bike everywhere until I could buy my own car at 18. I made sure wherever I lived, it was near a bus route.

My sister lives in Berlin with her two teenage sons and doesn't have a car. She chose her home location based on public transportation and proximity to markets. Before moving there, her sons refused public transportation. When they had no choice in Germany, they adapted easily. They are back stateside as of an hour ago, for their summer visit with their father. If they want to get out on their own while he works, they'll have to take the public transportation they used to turn their noses up at. They no longer have a problem with it.

We gave our recovering addict daughter a car because we're rural (20 miles from anywhere), and our city has no public transportation except for rail to a major metro area 40 miles away. I'm the one who was most adamant about her having a car because I didn't want driving her to meetings, doctor's appts, jobs, etc to become a full time job for me. She would LOVE to move into an SLE in a metro area but has health issues that prevent that.

I bought a new mattress today and had the best conversation with the store owner. Somehow we got to talking about how so many of our kids are failing at life these days. We both admitted we're partially at fault, because we didn't want our children to struggle like we did. But it was the struggles, and conquering them, that helped shaped us.

BeavsDad, I posted all that to express that as far as I'm concerned, it isn't about humility. It's about putting oneself in the best possible position to achieve goals.

Tinks65

My RAS has been in a SLE for three weeks. We did buy him a bike and he has ridden all over town, he mentioned that he thinks the physical exertion of riding all over has been good. He was laid off of his job a week after getting in the SLE. He managed to file for unemployment, food stamps and takes his bike to the five required NA meetings each week. He got a new job a couple of days ago, he has to take the bus since it's too far for the bike. The bus takes twice as long as a car would. The less down time he has the better. He is 25 and this is the first time in his life that he is taking care of himself. It has been good for him and me too. One day at a time ...

NoGround

BeavsDad,

My AS sold his rattletrap old car and used the money to buy a street-legal motor scooter and helmet. The Chinese imports cost about $1,500, and although they can be a little finicky, a good small engine repair shop should be able to fix any problem that might arise.

The scooter was a good solution for my son, who needed something reliable to get to work and could not afford insurance, continuing repairs, and gas for the car. Liability insurance for his scooter was half of what it was for his car.

You might have safety concerns, depending especially on the size of your city--motor scooters are not made for freeways or long distances. Top speed for my son's is 55 mph.

dollydo

Enabling is enabling, whether in recovery or not. Whether you can afford it or not, is not the issue, the issue is that he is an adult, at least in age, don't rob him of the chance to bring his emotionsal IQ up to his numeric age.

He will never learn how to take care of himself if you keep jumping in to "Help" him.

I know that you love him, but, you have to let him learn how to navigate in the real world, not one that you as parents have created for him.

My best,

Ann

Something I repeat often here is that "we" are not the solution to their problems. If we think we are, "we" become the problem.

We don't need to take them in, brush them off, feed them, clothe them, find transportation for them, and keep each of their days happy and bright. If we do, we rob them of very important lessons, the lessons they need to learn to get through life.

If I sound cruel or tough, please know that I did all of those things for many years, never listening when those who went before me told me I was making a terrible mistake enabling my son. I learned the hard way and I learned late...but the important thing is that I DID learn.

That said, do what works your your heart. Do what feels right. Just don't do anything out of guilt or fear. Those two demons will come back to bite you every time.

Good luck.

Hugs

cece1960

When I struggled with "to do or not to do" I often had to look honestly at my motivations behind the deed.

Often, the reason I wanted to keep helping my AS is because it increased the chance of him being independent and ( I thought) decreased the chance of wanting me to ( fill in the blank). I also thought if I made recovery more comfy, then he would get settled in nicely.

Needless to say, my plans all backfired...every last one of them. What finally did allow him to see the light was a stint in jail, a loss of license, no car in a rural area, and no moms house to lie around all day.

And I didn't have a darn thing to do with his doing better. He now owns his behavior and his circumstamces and should be proud of himself in how he's turned a bad situation...good. I know I'm proud of him.

One last thing I want to add is that I often found myself helping out ( manipulating outcomes) and then resenting it afterward. No wonder I was always mad at him!

Kindeyes

My son is living "out there" right now. He is surviving. I'm not sure how and I am not asking him questions. He tells me little bits on the rare occasion that I see him. The last time I saw him was on Sunday. He looked reasonably healthy, not a bag of bones so I know he's getting food. He has food stamps and a full range of enabling friends. He is managing.

I have four words posted on my refridgerator: Fear. Guilt. Pity. Shame.

If I am doing anything as a result of one of those four feelings, I need to stop and analyze my motives. Am I doing something to make ME feel better? For instance.....would I be getting my son a car because I feel fearful for his future, guilt for wrongs I may have done, pity because he's a drug addict,.......you get the picture. Often we do something for someone else that they should be doing for themselves to make US feel better.

In my experience, when I do that......it backfires every single time and the exact opposite of what I "wanted" to happen seems to happen, i.e., he seemed ungrateful for what I provided so I was ticked off, or he'd go out and wreck the car, or or or....... I've stopped doing things for him to make me feel better and started doing things for me to make me feel better. It is making a world of difference.

gentle hugs
ke