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Old 06-27-2011, 12:24 PM   #1 (permalink)

Join Date: Jun 2011
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My Lying Wife - Hiding Cocaine Use For A Year

I guess like most of you, i have found myself in a very bad situation that i have not asked for. I apologize for the length of this SAGA, but there's a lot to tell.... long story short - I have just discovered that my wife has been secretly taking cocaine without me knowing for almost a year now.

Who we are:
I am 39, and my wife is 27... never before has the age difference been such a big deal as it is now... i say this mostly because our priorities and views on life have become significantly different.

We have been together for seven years - we moved from New York to South Florida five years ago.
We have an amazing, beautiful, happy daughter together - she is four and a half now and is the love of my life... there is nothing i wouldn't do for my little girl... sacrificing my own happiness for her and her safety.

As for me and my wife, we have had our problems - big problems.
About two years ago, i found out that she had gotten pregnant and flew back to NY to have a secret abortion. This was never told to me by her - i found out about it on my own tracing call records and keyloggers on her computer... she also swears the child she aborted was mine but with the lies already in place, i will die never knowing the truth... I also found out that she cheated on me the NIGHT OF the abortion with some guy she had known from years back... She has since blamed a chemical imbalance and our shaky relationship on the reason for her depression and reasons at the time to drive her to get an abortion... to make matters worse, if you could possibly imagine such a monster, she even took our daughter WITH HER to the clinic that would perform the abortion.... this, in virtually every way, is a no brainer at the time that i should leave her, but my little girl was just a year and a half old and i was very worried about her inability to care for my child in the event we broke up. We are not married and were discussing separating after that and we came up with a time share for our little girl.... in the end, i just didn't feel safe leaving my little girl in her hands, even if it was only for three days a week... as you could imagine, i took a long time to get over that, and in many ways, i still never have - lies, lies and more lies.

As for my story:
We had been planning to move to South Carolina in August of this year... we were planning this move for about two years - we had both really wanted to do so... i had family there and we were waiting for our little girl to be ready for school. We kept signing a one year lease on our house until it was time to go and now, this August, it was supposed to be time to go for good.... but suddenly, she didn't want to go anymore.

She originally said it was our shaky relationship that was stopping her. How she didn't want to be stuck some place where she wouldn't know anybody if we were unable to make things work between us and had to eventually separate... she then became much more blatant in her lack of prioritizing our relationship... i had originally thought that maybe she had found somebody else and that she was maybe cheating on me. She would go to Walmart for two and a half hours and say that that was normal when in the past, she would normally take a half hour to forty five minutes... other times, she would leave the house to go to her best friends house and be gone for six hours at a time.. her normal work shift would be from about 5pm until about 10pm, but there were nights she would come home around 12 or 1 am saying they got stuck late at work... point being, things were seemingly odd.

Finally, i sat her down and began to communicate my unhappiness of the situation and asked her to start putting her family first... keep in mind, we have a little four and a half year old girl here and this, while not outlining every incident, was not typical 'family' behavior and much more blatant than in years or months passed.

This carried on for another couple of weeks.. the fighting and arguing increased... her efforts were non existent no matter how much i asked her to help make them better... it got bad enough that i had had enough and needed to run away for a few days, so me and my daughter visited South Carolina for four days to help take a breather from all the arguing.

About a week or so later, the trends were still happening. It wasn't until then that i finally started to look through her things - her computer, her phone... her stuff... pocketbooks.. etc... looking for a clue of another man... but what i found was actually much worse... i found a letter - written to me, but never given to me - outlining everything.... here is the letter that i found:

This is Your breath of relief, you answerable question, the clarity you seek, the fact that you aren’t crazy.

You’ll be so relieved once you’re through reading. Everything that made no sense finally will. The problem however, is that the truth will set you free. And it might.

I believe that Telling THIS truth will make certain that you never doubt my honesty again. You will see that this truth was told for you, telling this truth does not help me “get my way”or “win the fight”

*I also hope that when you’re done you can try to be as open minded or understanding or considerate as you can find in yourself to be.

Of course I do love you, how could I not love you. You’ve changed my life, you’ve helped bring me the most wonderful child in the world. You’ve accepted my family and difficult as I may have made it for you. You’ve tried for me countless times, and taken more than anyone should be expected to. I don’t know how I’ve been so selfish. But blind and weak may be more accurate.

I do have a reason I didn’t want to leave florida. I didn’t want to leave the beach. I love it here, im so happy to be live here side the beach in florida, with my family. Its beautiful and What a nice life we’ve lived here, and its one that some people might envy.

But then I had another reason. It wasn’t anything that I think ever would’ve crossed your mind on a serious level, or that you could have prevented. It clearly wasn’t my job... it wasn’t my friends that I have here.... it wasn't your family, our family, or you. The reason I couldn’t leave florida, was because I couldn’t leave my drug dealer.

You guys left for a few days and it was an opportunity to medicate myself. The moment I was able to connect enough dots in my own head, and admit to myself (or have an epiphany) that the only person or thing that I couldn’t leave were my drug connects. How would I reestablish them in SC. Would I able to stock up enough coke that Id have a month to find some.

I didn’t think I was a junky, so I never though that it was worth mentioning or even considering it as an issue. That’s the bottom line. and THAT right there….IS the answer.

How I was able to do what I did, and instead look for what was wrong with us/you instead of me.

The reason It never occurred to me that the drugs were the issue was because I, like every drug user, I denied that I had any sort of problem. I always believed that I was in control, because I was functioning, working, paying bills, and most importantly, not being caught. I also didn’t think it was a problem because some drugs are physically addictive, while others are mentally addictive. I was able to be drug free at my own will or financial status. I would go weeks without using, and then love it again the next time. I had no physical withdrawal, or any obvious side effects, and thus I thought that because I able to do that, just stop like that, that it translated to my having it under control. And truth be told, coke doesn’t really do that much, which makes me feel like an idiot.

You’re probably brimming with questions, emotions, anger, disappointment, disgust, relief, and a variety of other things right now. We can pause for Q & A or keep reading.

1. primarily cocaine, adderall(emphetamine), tiny bit barely worth mentioning of soma (muscle relaxer), hydrocone (pain killer).
2. less than a year. Obviously starting off with less frequency, and accelerating in frequency and quantity
3. this is why I was closer to my friends. some knew my secret. So I had more to confide in them.
4. this is why i didn’t pay close enough attention to valentines day or our anniversary, or even bill due dates. I was too distracted by always needing to be one step ahead of my planning, consumption, finances.
5. I thought I was being indulgent or dramatic for even imaging that I was addicted. Of course I was fine, no one ever told me to stop, or threatened to tell you, or saw a problem.
6. this explains being late and always having stories. I had to find places and times to squeeze in transactions. They became harder and harder to hide.
7. this most clearly explains not wanting a joint bank account.
8. the ones that are prescribed me for legitamante reasons are the A.) the spironolactone for my skin, and B.) the citalopram which is a low dose for depression.
9. this explains how I maxed out my credit cards
10. this explains why I was fired from my job
11. this explains why I wanted to work in the city place area - closer to transactions
12. this explains why I kept needing more money

as you could imagine - my heart sank, my stomach did things i had never felt before and i had to read it again and again because i just couldn't believe what just happened.... this was very out of character for her - she's the kind of girl that doesn't smoke cigarettes, drink (two beers and she's drunk), smoke pot - nothing... i was SHOCKED to read this.

When she came home that night, i had to wait to put my little girl to bed before i brought this up to her... so at about 8:30 pm - i finally confronted her with it...

When i showed her the letter - she sobbed immediately - first words out of her mouth - this convicted liar, cheater and aborter - "I Can't Believe I Have No Privacy!"
... i think it was about an hour and a half until she finally said the words, "I'm Sorry"

Me, never being a cocaine guy, had thousands of questions...

"When did this start"
-- "about ten months ago"

"How much do you take?"
--"well, in the beginning, me and her friend form work (female) would buy a $50 bag and it would last us a couple of day"

"how much is a $50 bag?"
--a gram

"and.. how much do you take now?"
-- "now?... well, now i do a $50 bag in a night"

"WOW - a $50 bag in one night?!"
--"O - that's nothing - a $50 bag is not a lot - i know people who do much more"

"Where do you do it?"
-- "At Work"

"Have you ever done it at home?"
-- "no"

"Have you ever done it with another guy?"
-- "no"

"Who'se your drug dealer?"
-- "O - i don't have 'A' drug dealer - i have many"

"How often do you do it?"
-- "Some weeks a $50 bag... and then i can go a couple of weeks without it and then the same thing"

"What's the longest you've gone without using in the past year"
-- "maybe a month"

"How regularly do you take it?"
-- "depends - sometimes that one gram a week - sometimes more - sometimes i would get a gram do it all that night and not again for another couple of weeks"

"How did you get it?"
-- "i would use a payphone so you couldn't track my call records"

"You do know that cocaine is one of the biggest epidemics in this country, right?"
-- "cocaine isn't a physically addicting drug - it's only mentally addicting"

(love that answer)

then she tries explaining how the letter that i found was actually her, "being dramatic" at the time.. that she was high on adderall at the time and just felt like writing... "the letter is actually much worse than it seems", she says.

So here i am - stuck in South Florida - i have a liar, a cheater, an aborter and a coke user on my hands and i am afraid to leave my little girl with her... i also care for her as a person and am afraid that if i did leave her now, she will find herself in a MUCH worse state... but then again.. i only know of what she is willing to admit - i have never been able to detect any symptoms of cocaine use - it's not like there are many to look out for other than the runny nose and crunching jaw.

She's given me all the typical answers of an abuser/addict - denies there's a problem at all, being totally defensive - says she can turn it on or off whenever she wants - that she has a grip on it and this is nothing more than me looking into it more than i should...etc... all the same stuff i'm sure many of you have read, saw and experienced in life, movies, stories or magazinea... she has hid her frequency and quantity from me and her closest of friends... her friends know OF the drug - just not how much... when i told her friend that she was able to consume an entire gram in a six hour span, her jaw almost hit the floor.

I know there are many higher level cocaine users that will also look at this fact as 'low amounts', but it's the patterns and the fact that she is now UP TO this amount.

So now, i'm trying to move her away from this place, to take away her ease of acquisition, but truth be told - i know she can get it anywhere if she wants it and i'm imagining that she can stock some up before we leave until she finds the next cozy dealer to buy from.

I'm at risk of losing my daughter and even worse - something horrible happening... to both of them.

I have researched numerous websites and have called a few different cocaine hotlines to find out answers about the drug and what it is, why it it is what it is.. i know significantly more about it at this point than she does... she just keeps saying there is no problem and that she is not worries because cocaine is not a physically addicting drug... to this she says, "You DO know that i'm a smart person, right - i wouldn't let myself get like that"... to which i answer, "listen, this is not about YOU anymore - this is about the drug... there are many, many brilliant men and women, lawyers, doctors, teachers...etc that have found themselves at the mercy of cocaine"

According to her, she hasn't used now in about a month... but again- with no signs to truly detect - plus, she is a known liar, now a cocaine user willing to give every possible answer to hide her problem - we only have her words to go on, so that could very well also be a lie.

I know this has been an incredibly long story to tell - and thank you to those who have stuck through and read this all, but from what i have researched, it appears that i am now at the mercy she is... she won't seek counseling or any form of rehab... and now she won;t even confide in her friend anymore because she thinks her friend and i are 'teaming up' against her... my poor little girl... she loses the most here and she hasn't even had a chance to do anything bad yet... i'm so heart broken and could use some help... a direction.. something for families in crisis... ANY thing!!!

• is she really addicted?
• can she really be this recreational about it and still pull away - especially after all this time? how hard is that to do?
• am i being dramatic or should i really be concerned?
• is my daughter's safety at risk? (according to her, cocaine is never in the house - but the adderall always IS)
• what's worse?.. the coke or the adderall? from what i've researched, they seem fairly equivalent
• how do i track this?.. prevent this?... i know you'll all say there is nothing i can do - an addict will always find a way, but how will i ever know that she is 'well' again??
• i know many of you will suggest an 'intervention', but she has already lost her job and is already at risk of losing her family...daughter... while i haven't been able to tell if she has in a while - is there any way that i will be??
• am i really, 100%, completely helpless????

if anyone has any suggestions, idea's, advice..etc.. please reply
.. . thank u for taking the time to read this all - i'm desperate for help.
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Old 06-27-2011, 12:46 PM   #2 (permalink)

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thank you for chiming in anvilhead

Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
take the baby, go to SC, that's my vote.
this would be illegal by law.. otherwise i would

• is there any way to track or follow her usage??
• how do most of you find out when they go back to using?
• she keeps saying a gram in a five hour span is not a lot - i feel like it is - am i correct to think so?
• in your estimation, and i understand everyone is different, but what are the chances she could be correct and pull through this without any further damage?

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Old 06-27-2011, 12:50 PM   #3 (permalink)

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Your first matter of priority is to protect your little girl.

EVERYTHING else will work out exactly the way it is suppose to as long as you put your child's emotional and physical well-being first.

Time will tell with your wife.

• is she really addicted?
Yes. Believe her actions not her words.

• can she really be this recreational about it and still pull away - especially after all this time? how hard is that to do?
What you have described is NOT recreational drug use. And it is NEARLY impossible to pull away if you are an addict. It takes years of hard work to become stable after being addicted to drugs. Cocaine is a horrible nasty dirty drug by the way. People do AWFUL things when they are addicted. How do I know? I speak from personal experience. I was a pretty yukky person. And my ex, who's still using, is a disgusting man.

• am i being dramatic or should i really be concerned?
Yes. Be concerned for your daughter. She's being exposed to cocaine addiction. The longer she is exposed, the worse she will be affected.
• is my daughter's safety at risk? (according to her, cocaine is never in the house - but the adderall always IS)
Yes. be concerned. Drug addicts will ALWAY put drugs before their children. If there is a fire, and a child is on one side of the room, and there is a pile of cocaine on the other side of the room, an addict will save the cocaine first. BELIEVE IT!
• what's worse?.. the coke or the adderall? from what i've researched, they seem fairly equivalent
It's addiction. It's not about which drugs she is using. It's about the BEHAVIOR.

• how do i track this?.. prevent this?... i know you'll all say there is nothing i can do - an addict will always find a way, but how will i ever know that she is 'well' again??
You can't track it, prevent it or ever know that she is "well" again. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. And RELAPSE is always a possibility even for the most committed recovering addict - which she is not.

• i know many of you will suggest an 'intervention', but she has already lost her job and is already at risk of losing her family...daughter... while i haven't been able to tell if she has in a while - is there any way that i will be??
I wouldn't suggest an intervention. I would suggest you leave, take the child for a safe place, focus on yourself. She is going to do whatever she is going to do - recovery or use. You cannot control her.

• am i really, 100%, completely helpless????
Over her choices yes. Over your choices? No. You are 100% RESPONSIBLE for whatever YOU choose to do. And you are 100% responsible for your child. Err on the side of caution...

But do I believe she is done? Ummm... no.
Then you have your answer...

And welcome by the way. glad you found this site.
What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Old 06-27-2011, 01:01 PM   #4 (permalink)

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thank you hello-kitty for your response

caring for my little girl IS my priority, that's why i'm still here.

i can't just take my little girl and leave - i would be considered a kidnapper by law, so this is not an option... it seems the only option is to stay and live with it??

how do i protect my little girl in a situation like this without risking breaking the law?

thanks again
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Old 06-27-2011, 01:20 PM   #5 (permalink)

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i can't just take my little girl and leave - i would be considered a kidnapper by law, so this is not an option...
Did a lawyer tell you this? Because it's not true in any state that I'm aware of. Actually you are allowed to take your child anywhere you want. You have as much right to do this as your wife does. You are not required to leave your child with her. And possession it seems as though 9/10th of the law when it comes to filing custody paperwork - especially if you work with an attorney to ensure that everything is done legally. My boyfriend just took his child away from his drug addicted mother. He filed with CPS that she was neglecting him - the boy was late to school all the time because his hungover mother couldn't get her butt out of bed to take him to kindergarten in the morning. She also couldn't get her butt out of bed to show up for a custody hearing. It didn't sit well with my boyfriend OR the judge and now he has full custody of his child.

It was not kidnapping. It was not considered breaking the law. The courts saw it as responsible parenting.
What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
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Old 06-27-2011, 01:22 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I'd highly suggest at least getting a consultation with an attorney in regards to you getting custody of your daughter.

$50 a gram? It wasn't that cheap back in 1985 when I was using ($100 a gram). I'd say her addiction is much more costly.

Cocaine is a drug that wears off quickly and it takes more and more to get high.

Please consult an attorney.

I'm sorry for your pain.
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Old 06-27-2011, 03:33 PM   #7 (permalink)
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i can't just take my little girl and leave - i would be considered a kidnapper by law, so this is not an option...
You took her away on a vacation and it's every parents right to do that. Permission is not required. You can do that again, but this time with an open return date (in your own mind). Your wife will be forced to file for divorce if she wants custody. With no job and a drug addiction, that isn't happening any time soon.
When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.
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Old 06-27-2011, 03:48 PM   #8 (permalink)

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hey everybody and thank u for all your replies and support - for those of u who have sat in my very seat, I'm sure u all know how incredibly difficult a time this is for me...

let me just clarify something here:
1)- I know my post has 'Wife' in the title, but as I have written - I am not actually married... our day to day lives r really no different than that of a married couple... drug addiction not included.

2)- by law, even as the biological father, this country gives me, the FATHER, ZERO rights... I know this sounds unbelievable, but I have sat with legal counsel and have heard it directly from them... I'm in a rougher place than u could possibly wrap your imagination around.

3)- my daughter comes before ME... this is why I'm still here trying to find a way to be able to live with this and protect her in the meantime... if nothing else, I know I can help her if I'm around.

4)- I'm more curious about the addiction on 'my wife's end than my legal actions because of what I know... please do not take that as me not caring for my daughter - furthest thing from the truth - but more so because I need to know what to expect from this day forward.

thanks again for all your support, wishes and prayers
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Old 06-27-2011, 03:55 PM   #9 (permalink)
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IMO it's time to seek custody of your daughter. This problem is not going to just up and disappear. Your wife will have to go into treatment for any real change to occur. Believe me, it will only get worse, and perhaps your wife will hit bottom and seek help--but your daughter will be hitting bottom right with her in the meantime. I think it's time to seek an attorney's perspective.
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Old 06-27-2011, 04:27 PM   #10 (permalink)
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- by law, even as the biological father, this country gives me, the FATHER, ZERO rights... I know this sounds unbelievable, but I have sat with legal counsel and have heard it directly from them... I'm in a rougher place than u could possibly wrap your imagination around.
Take that letter to CPS and express your concerns DIRECTLY TO THEM. You may be surprised how QUICK in Florida they get involved and get you FULL Custody of your child as long as you agree to live away from her mother.

Florida CPS does NOT turn a 'blind eye' to drug addiction in a parent. Not only that, but CPS in Florida has been known to ask for supervised 'visitation' with the 'addicted parent, supervised by them.

Oh and btw, CPS in Florida does 'drug testing' of the addicted parent with 'hair tests' not urine tests.

Take some deep breathes, hold each breath to the count of 10 then exhale. Repeat 10 times, this will calm your racing thoughts and calm you a bit.

If I were you I would check with CPS and then a few more attorneys about getting sole custody from a drug using mother.

You are correct the welfare of your daughter is the the most important thing.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU and YOUR daughter are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

God Bless You All As You Trudge The Road
Of Happy Destiny (especially when you are
trudgin thru alligators up to your butt)
Sobriety: AA June 7, 1981
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Old 06-27-2011, 04:50 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by JoCino View Post
I know my post has 'Wife' in the title, but as I have written - I am not actually married...
Well crap. Sorry, I missed that somehow. But no matter, you've been given GREAT advice on how to change your daughter's situation. I hope and pray you take it before it's too late.
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Old 06-27-2011, 05:07 PM   #12 (permalink)
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(((JoCino))) - welcome to SR, though sorry for what brought you here. You've gotten some good advice, and I can tell you, we have dad's here who have sole custody of their kids.

I also have to say that (((Laurie))) seems to know more stuff about more things than anyone I've ever met, and when she's led me to resources for what I was going through...she was right on spot.

Go to CPS, take the letter, find an attorney who values you putting your daughter's best interest as priority as much as you do.

In the meantime, keep coming here..lots and lost of ES&H (experience, strength, and hope) here.

Hugs and prayers,

"I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be" - Joyce Meyer

"You got what it takes you can win, today is your day to begin. - Shania Twain

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Old 06-27-2011, 05:23 PM   #13 (permalink)

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I have worked for Florida dcf for 10 years. Call 1-800-96-abuse. You may or may not meet the criteria for court intervention, but at the very least your wife will qualify for some voluntary services to assist with her addiction.
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Old 06-27-2011, 08:02 PM   #14 (permalink)

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I know that all states are different but my sons father had visitiation for the summer (we lived in different states) with my son and I had full custody but in the paperwork it did not give dates to leave and dates to come home so when he did not bring my child back from the summer visitation and then enrolled him in school I drove to him and called the police with my custody papers. They WOULD NOT get involved they told me since there were no dates specified I would have to take it back to court. In the long run I did get my son back but I would definetly check out the laws in your state and you have just as much right to your daughter as her mother does.
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Old 06-27-2011, 08:34 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by JoCino View Post
4)- I'm more curious about the addiction on 'my wife's end than my legal actions because of what I know... please do not take that as me not caring for my daughter - furthest thing from the truth - but more so because I need to know what to expect from this day forward.
i am new to this forum, but i'm not new to being with an addict...my husband has battled a cocaine addiction for the better part of 13 years...he's been sober for 6 days...i can identify with your situation more than maybe i'm comfortable with...i got used to the jaw rolling and could recognize that ONE quirk a mile away...what i didn't know? how much he was REALLY using, how OFTEN he was really using, and how much of a toll it was REALLY taking on him...i can't tell you what to expect with sobriety, but in my own experience being married (or involved in general) to an addict is an absolutely heartbreaking situation...there are no good answers to any of the questions i'm sure are running laps in your head...there are no easy answers either and honestly i'm still struggling with all of the same questions myself...what i CAN do is tell you what i typically expect...i expect him to go to the store and come right home (he doesn't), i expect him to contribute any extra money he may get to our family (he doesn't), i expect him to be honest with me (he can't), i expect this "problem" to go away (it won't)...he can't come right home because he has to get a fix, he can't contribute extra money because something has to pay for his habit, and he can't be honest with me because he KNOWS he has a problem, and the "problem" won't go away because it's a lifelong battle...from this day forward, expect to be hurt, expect to be disappointed, expect to be lied to, expect to be lonely, and unfortunately expect all of the above to also happen to your daughter...even with sobriety she will always be at risk for relapse...you will never be able to control her decisions, make her decisions for her, or love her enough to keep her clean...what can you do? control YOUR decisions, make YOUR decisions for YOUR daughter, and love YOUR daughter enough to make the best decision for everyone...is it your job to make decisions like this on your own? not really, that's why you have a partner in life right? the thing i have noticed about being with an addict is that while on paper i have a partner, in life i do not...all the hard decisions are mine, as i am the one left to MAKE the decision...addicts (in my experience) can justify anything and everything as long as it pertains to the addiction, anything else...not so much...it's not their fault necessarily...i have never faulted my husband for his addiction...i fault him for KNOWING he has a problem and not doing anything about it...most addicts don't necessarily CHOOSE to use, in their eyes it's more of a NEED...i have dealt with my husband's addictions to cocaine, alcohol, and chaos for 13 years...i have tried everything (trust me when i say everything)...we have 4 kids that have an addict for a dad...every year we do this, every year i threaten to leave him, and every year after 3 or 4 months of binges he comes back around and everything falls back into place and then the cycle started this year...i didn't threaten, i didn't yell, i got separation papers...where is he now? checked in to an inpatient treatment facility (his choice, not mine)...he has 6 days sober and honesty i've never been prouder of him...he made the phone calls, he did all the work, he committed to the program...will it save my marriage? i really don't know...addiction is a lifelong struggle and i don't know how much fight i have left...as for the amount she uses, i do know my husband was using MUCH more...does that mean she doesn't have a problem? NO...it's not how much or even the frequency that matters...it's the idea that cocaine is replacing the coping mechanisms she has...it might start has something that started on a recreational basis, but soon when they have a bad day or want to be in a better mood they'll do it...that's how it started with my husband...now EVERYTHING is a trigger and if there isn't anything obvious to justify him using he'll generate an argument in order to justify using...it's a vicious cycle...long story short-expect the unexpected...hope my experiences help...tried to answer your question honestly and unfortunately the honest part of addiction is rather harsh...keep your head up...you're stronger than you think
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Old 06-27-2011, 08:50 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Old 06-27-2011, 09:33 PM   #17 (permalink)

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There's not much more I can add. I am so sorry...for you and your daughter, and your gf. As far as where she is at...if this is where she is 10 months into it, and she has no desire to seek help, be ready. It is progressive, and it gets ugly.

I discovered my husband's issue. I chose to put my head in the sand early on thinking it couldn't be that bad. I had no clue. Just as the books tell you, it progresses, if it is not dealt with, it only gets worse. Those of us living with an addict can't do a darn thing about it. It is a horrible life to live and if I only knew what I know now, I would have taken a HARD, HARD STAND early on. My life would be much different today. If my husband would have recovered, we would be living the life we were meant to. If not, than I would be living the life I was meant to without him in it. I have lost years...precious years that can never be replaced. It is not a life I would wish on anyone, and when you stay and try to wait it out, hope it away, it just sucks the life right out of you.

It is too bad she can't see the forest for the trees right now. Drugs are against the law...doing them once is too much.

Take care...
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Old 06-27-2011, 09:34 PM   #18 (permalink)
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First let me start by saying big hugs to you. My Ex-boyfriend of more than five years was/ is addicted to cocaine and I found out this March. I don't know how long he as been on it etc. because I choose to leave him when I found out when he was in the hospital. He has done some sort of detoxification program, and he has been trying to reach me via anyway of communication that he can. We had a large age difference between us as well, he is 16 years my senior. While you are concerned for your wife and her recovery don't take this on as a problem for you to solve. Addicts are very good at lying and hiding it. You don't want to put yourself in a situation where she can continue to make you feel like you already do.
I would suggest working to get sole custody of your daughter. She deserves the very best and right now, your wife does not seem to be that. I would also suggest that you allow your wife to hit her rockbottom. Easier said than done I know. Trust me this is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I hurt, and the pain can be overwhelming at times. The only thing that keeps me going is my faith, and knowing that I deserve better. You deserve better as well. You deserve a mate that will not have an addiction to put before you. Your daughter deserves her mother, free from substances. She deserves a family where she can trust both parents.
You will get a lot of love and support from the people on here. Take it easy!!
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Old 06-28-2011, 06:04 AM   #19 (permalink)

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let me just say WOW! our stories are so similar. I can completlety relate to all that you said. Amazing. I too have an AH. I too have 4 children. I too have been put thru the ringer for 10+ years. I too have tried everything (and I do mean everything). I too have threatened for years that I will leave (and have several times ~ each time he seems to get some better and then were off again). I have not gone as far as seperation papers (no such thing where I live). But I did recently ask him to leave (again). It is somehow different this time. I am peaceful (which scares me a little). I have no idea how my saga will turn out. Only God knows... I just wanted to tell you that I can relate to your story. Amazing how we all live such similar lives.
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Old 06-28-2011, 07:04 AM   #20 (permalink)

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thank u everybody for sharing your horrors and suggestions for me... understand that I have been living in a house of insanity where there is no more logic or sense, answers or ways to find out if it is me over reacting or denying my own truth of this new found life.... listening to her ridiculous take on things and regularly trying so hard to point out the obvious - and getting nowhere - is maddeningly frustrating to a point that I have honestly begun to question my own self... this feeds the fog and makes matters worse for my own mentality which is needed right now... I feel almost as unsure and as unstable as she is... every five minutes is a new decision in my mind - "that's it - I'm going to leave her".... five minutes later I'm thinking "you can't leave yet - your little girls not ready"... repeat and rinse over n over until the exhaustion finally forces the sleep over the need for sleep.

like most of you, I can't believe how quickly and drastically my life has changed in such a short period of time and what it is that I am left to live with.

I thank those of u who have provided me with a path to travel and people to call... I will do so at my earliest chance, which should be today at sometime.

a few other points of interest that may or may not change the equation as far as legally...

I have uncovered two trails to her usage... 'The Note', as already referenced, was not actually a handwritten note, but a word document that she saved on her SD card on her phone... *myself, being a little more than a savvy computer guy with an understanding of computer forensics, comphiscated the SD card and just made a printout of what I found... how valuable and admissible that may be is subject to discussion and most likely leaves open the whole 'beyond a reason of a doubt'...

the other trail I found WERE hand written - this is about five small, yellow note paper notes written in code in numbered bullet points... when asked about these papers she said that it was her n her closest friend discussing the possibility of her drug problem... she said she was extremely high on adderrall again that day... bullet points in code like this

3)- Sarahs Obsession
4)- Miami Refuge


there was about twenty of these on these papers... when asked about 'Sarahs Obsession' she refused to answer... still don't know why... after about twenty minutes of asking again and again, she finally gave me 'her' answer, which still makes no sense - if anyone understands this phrase or knows what this is, PLEASE explain:

"One of my drug dealers kept referring to these other drugs as 'Sarah'... he would always talk about them to the point that he was obsessed, so we always wondered what that was all about"

yes - that was her answer.

as for Miami Refuge....which is an actual city in Miami, I asked if that's where she had gone to score some drugs, she said no... and followed with, "Refuge means to get away... I just wanted to get away", i said, "so you didn't go to Refuge, Miami?"... she said she didn't even know that that was a real place.


none of the jargon on these notes makes any sense, nor do any of her answers so those papers drive me CRAZY!

there were other terms she would use regularly, like 'The High Truth'... (anybody?)

Lies, lies and more lies... this cycle is easily as damaging to us as the drugs she protects, even though there really is no 'US'

thanks again to you all for helping my sanity and wishing me the best... as of now I have decided I am leaving her, but talk to me again in five minutes and I'm sure I'll be positive I have to stay

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, right?

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