saturnsister

Hi, my name is Summer and I just joined this community today after reading it the past couple of days. I also do not know a lot about drug addiction and what to do as a friend of an addict, so I'm hoping this helps me out a little bit...also, so that it's so long, I haven't really ever been able to share my story except with my boyfriend.

Alright, so I'm 23 and I live with my boyfriend, his best friend, and my best friend, Tori. We have all known each other for about 5 years and living with Tori for almost 1 year. Her and I used to be inseparable and all that jazz, but her addiction has really took a toll on our relationship. She has been depressed for a long time and after a really bad off and on relationship with her ex-boyfriend she turned to pain pills (which they used to do together recreationally). She moved away to her Dad's house about an hour away after the break up to get away from him, but I think that's when it all started. We would see her on weekends when she'd visit, but she would start disappearing to hang out with "friends," whom I had never met and thought was weird because we knew all of each other's friends.

So anyways, after a while, it wasn't working out at her Dad's (which I didn't realize until later was probably due to her developing drug habits) and our old roommate happened to be moving out, so, finally my best friend was moving in with me. It was good for about a month until my boyfriend and I started noticing weird behavior. She would stay in her room all day and leave at like 2 in the morning and come home at 6 or 7 in the morning. She would go for 2 hour trips to Walmart or Wawa, even if she was picking something up for us. She would lie about where she was going, ditch me, show up hours late to stuff, make plans and not keep them ect... It just became so obvious about what was happening because I would never see my roommate, my best friend, who became someone I didn't even know anymore.

She admitted to me twice that she was addicted to pain pills, but would insist days after that she had stopped and was fine, only to go back into the same routine a week later (I was dealing with lots of denial). Well it got really bad recently to the point where she would come home barely able to walk or speak. It scared me because she would drive like that. After one bad night like that we had to bang on her door, yell, and eventually shake her to wake up to go to work at 1:30 in the afternoon (we all work at the same restaurant). I was in my room crying because I had to go check several times if she was still breathing. She was dazed and not making sense with hickeys and/or bruises all over her body; basically she looked like she rolled out of a ditch. I also had to deal with people at work asking about her and even my boss, who is normally standoffish but really does care about us, telling me that she needs help and would help her as much as he could.

Well after that I stayed at my parent's house for 4 days because I could not even look at her without getting upset. My boyfriend said one of those days she was in her room all day, didn't come out at all between 10 in the morning until 8 at night, not even to get food or go to the bathroom. She didn't even notice I was gone until she tried to text me to see what I was doing that day. I didn't text her back and she called me about a dozen times. That day she finally came out and told my boyfriend and our other roommate what she had been doing. They threw out "all" of her pills and other related things and she agreed to go to get treatment the next day. We went with her to her assessment and she insisted we come in with her, so we pretty much heard everything, even though we already knew it all and could tell she was lying a lot. After that week she got into inpatient rehab for 3 weeks, which was great because it was her who did everything (calling the place without any reminders ect.); it really seemed like she wanted to get sober.

Well she got back a week and a half ago and she seemed great the first few days, sharing lots of stories and information she learned. She seemed happier and we actually saw her throughout the day and she actually went to bed at night. So now I'm in a very awkward position and that's why I'm writing this whole thing. Throughout the past couple of months I have been snooping in her room. My mom used to do it to me when I was in high school and smoking pot/ drinking alcohol and I hated it. I felt like it was such an invasion of privacy. But here I am now snooping in my best friend's bedroom looking for evidence of drug use. I had looked in there before she went to rehab and found pills, pieces of foil everywhere ect. And then I started finding needles...which was around the time it got worse.

So while she was in treatment she had an opened pack of needles, which comes with ten. She had seven while she was gone, 3 a couple days after she got back, two the day after that, had one yesterday, and none today. She kept them pretty much in plain sight and today I just picked up a little box and underneath was a spoon with residue, a lighter, and a used needle. I feel bad for snooping, but the fact is she is relapsing and I don't know what to do. She has so much support from all her roommates, our good friends, coworkers, even her boss. Her Dad still lives an hour away with a strained relationship, but paid for her rehab, her mother is in Afghanistan and talks to her on the phone a lot(coming home in August), and she is an only child. I tell her all the time not to bottle up feelings and tell me when she's upset or has temptations, but I feel like she doesn't want to share that part of her life with me. It sounded like she did really good in treatment, and I don't want her to just throw that all away. I understand I can't force her to do anything and all that, but do I say something about the needles? Or will she just get angry because I snooped and seclude herself back into drugs even more? Is there a way I can let her know I know without telling her I snooped? AAh I just feel like she's going to slip away again!! We don't want to so soon after she got help, but our last resort will be kicking her out. If any of you have experience with this, please help!

Freedom1990

What a difficult situation to be in, and with your best friend. I can tell it's tearing you up.

The sad thing is she is obviously using in the residence.

I would strongly suggest finding Alanon or Naranon meetings for face-to-face support for yourself.

I'd also recommend setting boundaries, like no drug usage in the house, but you must have consequences that you follow up on if she crosses the boundaries.

As a former IV drug user myself, I can tell you the needle is an addiction in and of itself.

I am so sorry for your pain hon.

I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends, okay?

Chino

Any time I snooped, it was because I suspected my daughter of using based on her behavior. I was rewarded with the truth each time. I never felt guilty for snooping because it's MY home and I don't allow illegal drugs in it. I have a right to protect myself and it's my duty. Since I don't allow active drug addicts in my home, out she went until she got clean.

saturnsister

Thank you Freedom1990, I am suffering a great deal and definitely will try to find somewhere I can talk to people face to face about this. are naranon meetings for just friends or family?? That would be helpful. And what kind of boundaries are logical? I mean I know moving out is the last straw, but is there anything else? Also to chino, do you think it's different with snooping in your child's room and owning the house as opposed to snooping in a friends room who (for the most part) pays rent and bills on time? Although I do feel like her mother most of the time, I feel bad because I don't have the authority to go through her stuff...I don't know where to go from here. I mean, despite the guilt I feel going through her room, like chino said, it proves me right every time. And because she finished the pack of needles she had before going to rehab I want to know if she buys a new pack...I feel like that would be devastating and cue us to start figuring out how we can change this situation with or without her. Thank you guys for replying, at the moment I can use any support I can get.

Chino

I don't think there's any difference, not when it comes to illegal activity. Whether a home or a car, walking down the street, I don't ever want to be suspected/arrested because of others issues.

Freedom1990

Naranon and Alanon are open to anyone who has an addict in their life, whether it's friend or family. Alanon tends to be more widely available.

It sounds like she's possibly switched to heroin, which is cheaper than the pain pills on the street, I am sure. It IS illegal to have drug paraphernalia, I hope you realize.

I have a 33-year-old daughter active in addiction. She brought drugs into my home, so she is no longer welcome. My boundaries are no drugs, period.

I'm getting a wee bit tired as I was in ER last night, but will give some more thought and respond at more length tomorrow, okay?

I hope you can get some rest tonight.

outtolunch

Half way through your post I suspected her addiction had progressed to heroin. The needles confirmed this.

First things first. Protect your own valuables, credit cards and passwords.When one lives with someone in active heroin addiction, the wallet and keys goes underneath the mattress you are sleeping on.

You have to figure out if this is how you want to live your life and remember that addiction is progressive. Rehabs do not cure addiction. At best, a rehab can teach a highly motivated addict some tools to be used in recovery.

Nothing you or the others can say or do will cause her to stop or dig in futher. You are not that powerful. None of us are. This is between her and the drug. She will either slip away or not based on the consequences.

Given she's driving, probably won't be too long before she's pulled over or is involved in an accident. Might be the pasue that causes her to rethink this. Maybe not. Get ot of her way and let her fall. It's the only shot she has. It's all about the consequences.

kmangel

This is exactly what happened to our son. In a couple months he got two DUI's and then wrecked his car going to court about his two DUI's (poetic, isn't it?). The judge ordered a 30 day rehab.

Actually he had a couple other accidents a couple months prior to the two DUI's that now give me pause to wonder. Apparently when his using began to escalate, consequences came rapidly right along with them.

hello-kitty

Please read and learn all you can about:

Codependency
Enabling

If you choose to live with a drug addict, do yourself a HUGE favor and lock up your stuff. Don't leave money or anything of value out where they can get at it. When addicts run out of money, they will use other peoples money and they will have no shame or guilt about it.

It doesn't matter who you are and how long you've known them. Drugs become their best friend and people no longer matter, unless those people can help them get what they need... which is more drugs.

milo88

Hi saturnsister,
I read this post and thought that was me 20 years ago! My best friend also became a heroin addict, and in the end so did my partner. We were all close, just as you all are, and I loved them both.
Over a period of about 15 years she did some terrible things to me (including introducing my partner to it all - yes, I know, I know, he made his own choice, but I'm angry at her for that, he died as a result) as her addiction progressed, and in the end she became abusive and threatening. She has never thanked me for being her friend, just came to expect more and more from me. She became a totally different person.
What I wish now is that I'd been really clear with her the first time she broke my trust, and I wish I'd said if you do it again I'll have to distance myself until you get better. I think these days that that would have been better for both of us!
And I wish also that I'd known about Nar Anon because I didn't know what I was dealing with. It is hard to understand how your best friend can become your worst enemy, but that's what happened to me. I hope it doesn't go that way for you xxx

bluebelle

I'm really sorry for the situation that you find yourself in. I know it is very upsetting to see someone you love sink further into addiction. Unfortunately, it is a progressive disease. She has to reach her bottom on her own, and she will have to make the decision whether or not to stop.

I agree with the others in that I am concerned that there is drug paraphanalia where you live. It sounds like she might be bringing illegal drugs in the home, too. I would also be concerned about who she may bring home with her or if somebody came after her to her home because she owed them money, do you know what I mean? I grew up in a household with my addict mom, and we had some people in our home that weren't nice, and we had some incidences at our home related to her drug use. Not to mention, my mom was arrested in the home for having the drugs.

You can't control your friend's behavior, but you can control what you will allow in your home. I realize you both rent, but what are your boundaries with a roomate? She pays her rent on time, but what about the needles in the home? What about you having to make sure she keeps breathing? That sounds like a lot of responsibility that you are taking on for another person. Even with you there and checking on her, she could overdose.

It sounds like she left her father's home because she couldn't meet his house rules. What are the rules for your house? I realize you are roommates, but it is still o.k. to have house rules and boundaries.