Troubledsister

Its been awhile since I've posted. My AB (alcohol/cocaine addiction) once again went on an all-night (or maybe longer?) bender drinking and drugging and codie sis-in-law hysterically calls my parents. She's worried about her and her son losing their home. Boo hoo. The only smart thing that happened in this conversation was her giving my dad the sponsor's phone number. So my dad called and was told the same thing I've been telling him: Don't get involved, let AB figure things out, don't send money or call.

So, I have detached but how do I not think about it?? How does it not invade my dreams while I sleep? My parents are still largely in denial. I know I have no control over them or my AB, but I get angry thinking of my AB or codie sis-in-law manipulating them for money. (AB lives several states away but parents are only 30 mins. from me.)

Please give some guidelines on getting emotionally healthy again!

Thanks!

suki44883

Alanon can help. You might consider attending meetings in your area. Also, you might consider not discussing anything regarding your AB with your parents. You can't worry or fret about what you don't know about.

Troubledsister

Thank you for your reply. I guess I could tell my parents not to let me or my husband know if anything goes wrong with AB and his family. That is how we found out this time -- my dad called my husband and my husband passed the phone to me. It is hard to tell my mom not to mention them at all, and that also is hard on me. My mom came over on Mother's Day acting like all is well with them and so happy that they called her on Mother's Day, sent a card, and they are spending the day together (although last they heard AB was living on friend's couch). So basically her craziness makes me feel crazy.

So, I'll stop asking about AB but I don't know if I can tell my mom not to mention them at all. I think that would hurt her...(sigh)

hello-kitty

You may not be able to control your dreams or the thoughts that invade your mind but you can work on controlling your response to them.

For example, when I was first clean from crack cocaine, I used to have thoughts about smoking crack and when I was asleep, I had horrible using dreams. Using dreams are very common with recovering addicts and they are very disturbing. I couldn't control them. But I could control how much I let them affect me and I could control how I responded to them. They were, afterall, just dreams. Once I accepted that I couldn't control them but I didn't have to relapse because of them, the dreams and thoughts stopped bothering me so much. They also became a great reminder to continue working my recovery program. Eventually, the dreams and the thoughts just went away...

cece1960

Hi Troubled,
I've had to declare my home a no drama zone, and have told others in the family that I don't care to hear about my AS through them. I suppose since I am his mom, they respect that knowing that it will only upset me.

I have one person ( AS's step mom) that can't seem to talk to me without complaining about AS, but I've recently held her at bay by changing the subject or ending the conversation ( as in I have to go now).

Maybe you could explain to your mom that she's welcome to talk about her feelings, but not about your brother and his latest escapades. At least that way you don't feel as if you are turning your back on her. If that doesn't help, then sadly you may be forced to lay down the law that none of it is appropriate.

Hopefully, she will see that you're only looking out for the both of you.

Have your parents considered Alanon? It really does help to see that you're not alone.

(((Hugs)))

Chino

My sister is not an addict but there was so much dysfunction that I had to go no contact with her for 4 years. Every time my mom brought her up in conversation, I told her "I'm sorry, I can't discuss this." She reacted badly at first; hurt and angry. She accused me of judging and I said yes, I'm judging what is healthy for me right now. Eventually she stopped.