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Old 04-11-2011, 09:12 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Why did he break up with me?

I've been by my boyfriend's side for 5 years. 5 years of relapses, dishonesty, manipulation, jail, rehab, promises, secrecy, love, hate, chaos. I became addicted to hope. Hope that he would change, I would change, we would change.

I am not a substance user, however, I started to believe that I was the problem in our relationship. My self-worth was low and I wasn't myself any longer. I found comfort and peace in God. We both began to live Christ-centered lives (I think). I recommitted my heart to God and I have been very focused on my relationship with Him and growing in Him. The thought of us breaking up has been on my mind for a long time and because I felt a strong presence of God in my life, I received confirmation to let my ex go.

He is back in jail (drug charges). We talked about marriage and our future and I hesitantly agreed to marrying him while he is in jail. I think I agreed because part of me truly believed that if I married him, I could save him. Save him from his addiction, from jail, from everything he struggles with. I could bring him into my life, my circle of friends and family, my church, my support system. I am in nursing school and I had it all planned out. I would be an rn by the time he was released from jail. I would save money, we could move into a nice place, I would get him into a rehab center and help him find a job and give him a stable life. So why did he break up with me? It was his idea to get married in jail, when I said yes ... he said no. He said he needed to let me go because I deserve more and I am better than this and he would never let me be a jail wife. He said that everyone in my life knows that I could do better and it was the most loving and unselfish thing he could do for me because he could not give me what I need and want. He said he wants to do the right thing in Christ for once in his life. This was the first time he admitted to being an addict, too.

I am actually very grateful he did what I could not and I now understand how codependent and dysfunctional our relationship had become. I have no desire to be married to someone struggling in active addiction. It really is the most loving and unselfish thing he could ever have done for me. We have had no communication for a few weeks. I feel free. I still love him very much and I probably always will think of him. I just know that our lives are going in two different directions. I have heard from him since and he said it was painful for him, but he knows deep in his heart that I deserve more. He is right!

To anyone who made it this far ... my question, why did he break up with me? I have been the ONLY consistent person in his life for the last 5 years.
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Old 04-11-2011, 09:23 PM   #2 (permalink)
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there's a lot of negative emotions associated with addiction-guilt, shame etc.

My ex had said the SAME thing to me- that I'm better off without him. I think...his self worth is just so low that he feels like he doesn't deserve anything good and doesnt want to hurt me. So, perhaps that's what your ex feels too....he may feel guilty for holding you back, for hurting you.

That's all speculation of course. You never know what's going on in someones mind, especially an addicts.

Keep moving forward. Love him from afar and let him figure himself out.

good luck
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Old 04-11-2011, 09:29 PM   #3 (permalink)
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dear hades,

i'm sorry that i cannot answer your question b/c i don't know his reasons. i know that it's hard, but if you can try to use this time to focus on yourself.

and also, someone told me once long time ago, that not many things are final. you never know what the future holds. i mean, i'm not trying to give you false hopes or to encourage you to waste your life waiting on him, but people do change their minds all the time.

take care of yourself. you cannot change who he is or what he decides to do, but you can help yourself. you can be the best that you can with or without him.

my hugs and prayers go out to you tonight. hope you feel better, b/c things will get better. every problem has a limited life span, another thing that i was told. unfortunately, some seem to live for a long time.

take care and welcome.
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Old 04-11-2011, 10:54 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Thank you so much for responding.

I was very sad the first day or two, but I wiped my tears and asked God for His strength. I know that I could not do this alone. I haven't cried since! I feel strong and centered and I'm using this time and experience to reflect and grow as a person. I know he and I can't be in contact for a long time in fear of falling back into old patterns. I guess I am just looking for some answers and comfort. Is his behavior "normal" for an addict. Regardless of his reasons, yes, we are making the right choice to break things off at this very point in our lives. I was just wondering if addicts push people away while they are trying to live a sober and clean life. I always thought I was a positive person in his life, but I'm guessing he thinks I enable his destructive behavior. And when you look at it that way, yes ... he HAS to cut me off. I just always believed this is something we would do together. Even though I have been with him for 5 years, I am naive when it comes to drugs and jail. I didn't know for so long he was using. I BELIEVED in him.
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Old 04-11-2011, 11:19 PM   #5 (permalink)
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In my experience, yep they do push us away, even if we are healthy and supportive. It sucks I know. I also think they are often confused and what they want changes from day to day.

You seem like a loving and caring person, he knows that so he isn't pushing you away out of spite or anger or anything YOU have done. You are internalizing things because as you say, you struggle with self worth issues.

I do too and those issues have nothing to do with the other person. They are all about your internal voice telling you 'I am flawed' or 'this is my fault'. The deeper question to ask is why you go to that negative place in yourself?

He said you DESERVE something better. That he knows you are worth more (and you are). That means he thinks highly of you. I am working on these issues myself but it is the stories that I make up in my head that are causing me the pain, not anything he feels or has done.

He did something out of love for you. In my opinion he most likely will change his mind. Either way he needs his space to deal with his struggles. He doesn't want to tangle you up in his mess and honestly, do you want to be?

And you can't help him get sober or recover from his disease. It doesn't work that way. He has to do that on his own for it and for himself. Use this time to gather your thoughts and feelings. You will be at a better place of understanding soon.. trust me
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Old 04-11-2011, 11:25 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I think he just needs to figure this out for himself and most importantly, spend time with HIMSELF. Admitting he's an addict is huge, and now he has to take the steps towards recovery, and unfortunately, that may mean cutting ties with the relationship.

My ex used for 5 years, has been sober for two. He pushed me away after telling me about his past. This all happened within this past month and I've been researching addiction since. (well, stopped these past few days) Using heroin (his drug of choice) every day for 5 years definitely had an impact on his mental health, whether he wants to admit or not. I eventually had to end things with him....and, you know, sometimes you really have to let people go. I've been trying to understand addiction, but it's something I never really will 'get'.

Your ex needs this time for himself, without distractions. He has to come to terms with who he is without the drugs, how to live without them etc. I'm sure he appreciates everything you've done for him, but you gotta go your separate ways and get right by yourselves before you can be right together.
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Old 04-12-2011, 12:06 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Sorry to hear about your boyfriend,

Don't worry about why, you will spend many nights pondering this but you will never find an answer. You will waste precious time for nothing. Who knows why people do the things they do. You will have to get past this and it's best to start now.

Focus on yourself and what you can do to mend your broken heart. As you make yourself a better person, slowly you will get past this. One day, he may come knocking back on your door, and by then it will be too late, you will have moved on.

If you work on yourself as hard as you worked on him, you will become a strong and independent woman. Someday down the road you will meet the right person for you. You were meant to have him in your life for a reason, you may not see that now, but one day you will know exactly why he touched your life and how he helped you in your future.

Good luck to you.
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Old 04-12-2011, 12:45 AM   #8 (permalink)
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hades,

i am glad to see that you seem to process this in somewhat positive direction. and like stacylove pointed out it might be one of those questions that you may never find an answer to. but in the end, does it really matter?

people break up or make up all the time in "normal" relationships, so i'm not sure why do we ponder on this so much just because our significant others are addicts. i have also spend numerous hours trying to understand what goes on in my husband's mind, why wouldn't he fight for us and our family, why does he just simply seem to have let go, etc., etc.

the more i think about it and i read other posts, it is so hard to understand the thought process of addicts for people that don't have the personal experience w/ an addiction. sometimes, even the addicts don't know why did they do these things once they get clean.

so, don't beat yourself up. you did great. you did way more than you were obligated to do and sometimes things happen that are best for us, even though we don't see it that way at the time.

time will tell and in the meantime, take care of yourself. devote all your efforts to yourself and things will get better. they usually do.

hugs and prayers.
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Old 04-13-2011, 07:22 AM   #9 (permalink)
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my question, why did he break up with me?

Think about it this way.... stacylove said it best , he did touch your life for a reason! God put him in your path for a lesson that is now learned. The why doesn't matter, we can't judge and/or speculate about other peoples motives. Just give your praise where it is best for you..with God, and let everything else just......be.
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Old 04-13-2011, 12:20 PM   #10 (permalink)
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my question, why did he break up with me?

Think about it this way.... stacylove said it best , he did touch your life for a reason! God put him in your path for a lesson that is now learned. The why doesn't matter, we can't judge and/or speculate about other peoples motives. Just give your praise where it is best for you..with God, and let everything else just......be.
Thank you for this reply! I really needed to hear this today.
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Old 04-15-2011, 12:33 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Update ... so there was a change to his sentence and he will be out in months as opposed to years! And with that, he had a complete change of heart. I'm confused. He let me go, now he doesn't want to. Now he wants to prove himself and desires "something he can believe in, trust and live for."



My gut is telling me ... now if I truly love him, I would let him work on himself without any distractions. I think uninterrupted TIME for both of us would do wonders. There is a lot I want to work on in myself, without him. Things I need to make peace with. He is still an addict, in jail and isn't really in recovery. Could he contribute to a relationship? Is he capable? I'm going to stay no contact. I miss him very much, but I think it's for the best. Am I doing the right thing?
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Old 04-15-2011, 12:35 AM   #12 (permalink)
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yes
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Old 04-18-2011, 01:45 PM   #13 (permalink)
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You're very lucky. Your prayers have been answered.
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Old 04-18-2011, 04:24 PM   #14 (permalink)
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staying non contact is going to be hard... you will have to look at it as detoxing from him... like addicts detox from drugs.

And that is okay. The best way to detox is while you are getting him out of your system you are putting positive and good feelings about yourself in that place.

So - every day see how many times you say something positive about yourself... do something for yourself ... when someone does something positive for you - like even opening a door to a bldg / room ... having a thankful journal - but most importantly saying something positive about yourself or feeling something that is good about you. AND OWNING IT!
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Old 04-18-2011, 04:26 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Am I doing the right thing?
IMO, absolutely.
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Old 04-18-2011, 04:45 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Hades,

You have made a lot of progress since you last posted You will be ok, with or without him. What is better for you? This is your life and you need to what is best for you. He shouldn't be reckless with your heart either. The decision is up to you now, not him. Good luck and stay strong.
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Old 04-18-2011, 08:03 PM   #17 (permalink)
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As long as you are doing what you know in your heart is right then you are doing the right thing. As long as you are doing something to not cause yourself any more pain then you are doing the right thing.

Trust yourself. It is very tricky to give your heart someone who isn't in a stable or healthy place. They will misuse it or not appreciate it so you have to take care of it. And only you can do that.

Sometimes I take a break from the thinking and come back to it later when I can think better
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Old 04-19-2011, 09:54 AM   #18 (permalink)
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I'm new to the board. From my recent experience, Hades, you ought to run as fast as you can. I stood by my ABF (was fiance) for quite a few years, couldn't take it anymore & had to put him out of my house but we still continued a relationship. Saw him go thru more stages after oxy use, short heroin use, crack use, laid off of the oxys but drank so much he started stinking with alcohol coming out of his pores, found out he had turned to methadone (not prescribed--but from somebody he knew); then was snorting percocets to maintain I guess. Recently we got to the point where we were at a stalemate. I was bitter. I felt like he had ruined my life. I wanted a huge, heartfelt apology of some sort for all I had endured. I wanted some sincere show of how he was changed--join NA or AA, or go to church. Just something!! Then something major happened with my son - something heartbreaking - and not many months after that my now Ex-ABF has started seeing someone else. He was seeing her during months that I was coping with the event with my son. How many years was I there for him? Quite a few. How many years did he support me when this happened with my son & brought me to my knees? 0. That's right. Zero. Because he couldn't help me past my bitterness or show me anything sincere, he decided to move on. All in one night I found out about her. And he blabbered so many details to me that I still can't believe he did. WTF???? (Is that still part of his addicted personality or brain damage from years of abuse???) He turned on me & said horrible things to me. Like all of our years together meant absolutely nothing. (I have read that addicts will push away or walk away from those who were with them throughout their addiction). And if that's not all, they live near where I live & work. They go to the grocery store across the street from my work. I see them in their vehicles, etc. And even though I had told him a couple of years ago that I didn't feel like I even liked him anymore (the nastiness in his personality) and that I wasn't sure about any love left either.... I'm devastated.... He's told me he's "clean" and by all appearances has moved on & is on his new high....falling in love with someone else.
So, I'm saying cut all ties & run---even if they make an attempt to get clean--they'll still resent you or even hate you for being there for them. Don't waste your years like I did. Just run!!
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Old 04-19-2011, 10:51 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Scoots: I am so sorry for your situation. Please try and take some comfort in knowing that addiction controls him and as much as it hurts, it's not personal.

It really does come down to accepting the addict as is/where is ( and expecting nothing in return) or tying it off. It's when we stay in that hopeful fantasy tween state that we learn the meanning of hell. And in the overwhelming number of cases, pay day never comes.
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Old 04-19-2011, 12:03 PM   #20 (permalink)
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You are so right, Outtolunch. Thanks! It's that state of hoping things will get better or back to where they were before the addiction. And it never came to me. I kept waiting for something monumental from him to fall in love with him all over again. But he kept showing up at my house wasted. Still asking me to marry him, still asking to move back in..etc. But just couldn't stop coming over wasted. The hurtful part now is....Is he really "clean" for this new woman?? I know realistically that he probably is still maintaining on percs or something...but that's what kills me. Is he making the effort? Or is he just being on his best behavior while being on a "high" with his new love...then he'll go back to the schmuck he's always been.. (I read that opiate addicts are attracted to the high with a new love then it wears off).

And then the flip side of me is when I remember the bad times, his nastiness, his lies, his manipulating, etc. then I feel better and a weight has lifted that I'm done. I just hope I haven't been thru sooo much that I'll just be closed down to someone else. I'm thinking of going to NA to help myself get through this bitterness. I'm not a bitter person. But I can't shake it this time--too much disappointment & hurt.

I'm fine until I have a morning like this morning & pass her on the road & him in a work truck behind her. I've cried on & off all day. I feel like I'm in a fishbowl here (with the store across the street from my work that they go to) & it's bound to happen that I'm going to run into them face to face.

Another betrayal is that the woman who he is now with is the sister of the first person who gave my ex his first oxy. It was his boss. The sister runs the office to their family business. The boss had total control over my ex for many years because a person addicted to oxy will do anything for their next pill. His boss used these pills to control him & get my fiance to help build his $800,000 house. My ex even cleaned up his dog sh** regularly. He was a slave to him. For 11 mos straight my ex worked for this man on his home from 7 in the morning until 10 or 11 at night in addition to his regular job working for them in the day. We argued over it--but he claimed is was part of his job & he was getting "paid". (Though we know how the finances go with an addict). My house was terribly neglected. My ex was so jealous that I couldn't even have a repair guy come over b/c he's start all kinds of trouble--but yet he wouldn't fix something b/c he was usually sick from withdrawing. (Hence, the boss having the pills got him to do anything for him). And even though in later years my ex & his former boss weren't speaking as much---the boss still had a hold on him in different ways. He was King Sh**, his wife was Queen Sh**, etc. This man was an addict with an $800,000 house & acted like their sh** didn't stink. Drove me crazy!! He had even threatened to shut me up for good once when my ex's brother asked where the drugs were coming from. So....now my ex is with this man's sister??? I felt stabbed in the back - let me tell you. One other stipulation besides being sober/straight when coming to visit was that the former boss would never again be in our lives. That's all I asked!! Soooo....now my ex is with this man's sister. (And it's not over drugs--she doesn't do them as far as I know). He couldn't have punched me in the face & it wouldn't have hurt more. It's done & over - totally & that's what I'm dealing with. I can never forgive him for being with a member of that family, or for the hurtful/hateful things he said to me after he had told me about her. (I know, I know, it's that ole' opiate personality--but it killed me!)

Anyway - the more I write, the more I feel better that I'm no longer dealing with that. Though--it's days I have to pass them on the road or see them at the parking lot of the store across from me that I just get sooo down. But I just keep trying to remember all of the bad stuff. (Though it was sooo many years - what was his real personality & what was the drugs???) I just need to heal.

Besides unloading some since I've had a bad morning, I just wanted Hades to know what she could be facing. Stick by them, and they end up resenting you for it anyway!!
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