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Old 11-09-2010, 11:20 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Leaving your boyfriend.

Hi!

I want peoples thoughts on leaving someone because their addiction.

Recovering Addicts- did your loved one leave you? Do you blame them?

Suffering Addcits- Would losing your loved one make you want to quit? Would you quit for them?

Just some background information:

In a relationship for 6 years. He is now an oxycodone, oxycottin user. Hell snort 3oxys at a time, when he wakes up for work, comes home from work, and a little later around 9. prettymuch just whenever he can get them. I cant do it anymore. i am not an addict nor will I ever be. My parents were heroin addicts and I seen/lived the life of those choices. I just want him to be clean. I told him its rehab or Im gone. He said he wont go back to rehab, so I told him fine, you made yoru decision. lose my number..

i dont want this. i want a normal life with him. i want him to be sober and be withme.

do i leave and move on with my life.

or support him and try to help him as it is not him its his addiction.

im addicted to his love

oxycodone and roxys, 30's, he lives in his mothers house with just him and his brother (mother moved for new job) brother is now an addict also and doing same stuff. It churns my stomach when I hear them fighting over if they got high without the other person. What have they become??????
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Old 11-10-2010, 04:32 AM   #2 (permalink)
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You are addicted to the addict and the drama! All I know is that he wont change for you! He is well aware that you deserve better and he is not fighting for you. Even if it is not him and just the addiction, he is currently an active addict who is not available for you. I too, was unable to leave....but circumstances out of my control decided for me!!! I have no choice now but to get on with my life!! Every day gets better and better and I cant believe that I ever wanted to be in such a roller coaster ride of a life. It was not worth it!!!! I hope you dont do what most of us have done only for it to turn out the same way for all of us!! Devastating!!!!
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Old 11-10-2010, 06:16 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Consider that you grew up with addiction in your life and now you are trying get an addict to change so you can have a fulfilling relationship with him. It's what you know. It's what your comfortable with. It's just what people do when they grow up surrounded by addiction.

Unfortunately it isn't going to work.

And addict has to want change because he/she hates using more than they hate being sober. They have to really want it because quitting and staying quit is hard work. He's already told you he's not ready. So no amount of "sticking around and supporting him" is going to get him to that point. It'll just feed into his addiction by convincing him that he's still got you waiting around so his situation is not that bad, yet AND you'll go crazy in the process.

I'm so glad you found this website. I hope you'll stick around and read all you can. I hope you'll take a good look at yourself and learn all you can about codependency and dysfunction in a relationship so that in the future, you can find true love without having the chaos of addiction attached to it.

AND I hope you'll change your phone number if he continues to call you. So you don't waste the next 5-10 year waiting for him to change. :-)

Oh one more thing. How can you tell an addict is lying? His lips are moving.

And

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
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Old 11-10-2010, 06:31 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by HowManyChances View Post
Hi!

I just want him to be clean. I told him its rehab or Im gone. He said he wont go back to rehab, so I told him fine, you made yoru decision. lose my number..

He does not want what you want. Rehab is not a magic bullet. At best it can show someone the tools of recovery and how to use them. Actual use of those tools is entirely dependent on the addict's commitment to his own sobriety.

i dont want this. i want a normal life with him. i want him to be sober and be withme.

What you want is not jiving with the reality of this situation. We don't always get what we want,just because we want it.

do i leave and move on with my life.

or support him and try to help him as it is not him its his addiction.
I used to get caught up in the whole " support" thing. Looking back, that was nothing but my ego. I thought I had the power within me to control someone else. I was mistaken, seriously mistaken.

He and his brother are addicts doing what addicts do.
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Old 11-10-2010, 06:48 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR.......I'm so glad you found us but I'm so sorry for the reasons that bring you here.

Your screen name says a lot......how many chances do you want to give him? Just as your boyfriend will only stop when/if he is ready, you will stay until you just can't deal with it anymore. When the pain of staying with him becomes greater than the thought of leaving him.....that's how many chances you will give him.

Most addicts won't stop until they begin losing......like losing the people they love. My son had to lose everything.....all of his possessions, his entire family, his job. He was homeless and couch surfing before he decided that enough was enough and he decided he needed treatment (for the fourth time). And I don't know if all of that is enough to keep him sober.

I hope that you'll stick around and learn about addiction and about yourself. As the child of addicted parents, you may find support in the Adult Children of Alcoholics/Addicts Forum too. Many of us visit and "hang out" in more than one of the forums on SR.

gentle hugs
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Old 11-10-2010, 07:36 AM   #6 (permalink)
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And addict has to want change because he/she hates using more than they hate being sober. They have to really want it because quitting and staying quit is hard work.


Now that is the the God's honest truth right there and beautifuly put. Until that time comes and your bf doesn't even sound close, there will be no chance for recovery.I would suggest alanon and ACOA. They can really help you.
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Old 11-10-2010, 08:15 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I realized that I also was addicted to my AH love, how sad is that I am an addict to a person I was looking for my fix from him. Just like he looks for his fix from his DOC.

You deserve so much better. Take time to look around the sight and read as much as you can consider going to meetings for your self and work your own recovery program because you are the only one you can change.

I feel your pain, I know your pain all of us here do.

Hugs,
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Old 11-10-2010, 08:46 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Im heartbroken. I feel as though I was in this fairytale world were we were deeply in love. But i was in love with him, he wasnt with me.

Its so hard. I want to be strong and not give in and call him today. He wont be calling me, I honestly dont think he cares enough. That or I have cried wolf so many times on leaving him.
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Old 11-10-2010, 08:53 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Its so hard. I want to be strong and not give in and call him today. He wont be calling me, I honestly dont think he cares enough. That or I have cried wolf so many times on leaving him.
He's incapable of caring. He's an active addict.

After I left my EXAH, I thought my biggest problem was solved.

In reality, the problem was looking right back at me in the mirror.

For 13 more years, I picked one sick relationship after another.

I was broken inside, and kept trying to fix that broken-ness with men who were also broken inside.

Please check into Alanon or Naranon meetings in your area. There you will find face-to-face support among those who understand.

Get a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood is a good read too.

Keep posting and know that you are among friends.
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Old 11-10-2010, 12:02 PM   #10 (permalink)
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hi-

i am fairly new to recovery, but understand what you are feeling. My addict is/was my friend/girlfriend. We have been on and off for about 5 years. We were off when i found out she was living on the streets and addicted to heroin and crack. I sprang into action. i search for and found her, took her in and did all i could for her. after several weeks, we started bonding again and i fell for her all over, despite the addiction. she seemed a better person, believe it or not. she talked of getting help and starting a clean life with me. it became this fairy tale thing where we were brought back together and would live happily ever after.

in the meantime i started posting here and got a lot of replies. run, get out of it, its going to end bad. I read the words, but nothing could change how i felt about my gf. she had issues, she turned to drugs, she loved me, and needed me. i loved and needed her. we were having a great honeymoon, again, despite the addiction. why- because her needs were getting met.

slowly things started to change, then faster. until i had nothing left to give. financially and nearly emotionally. i was beaten down, tired, worn out. she went back to the streets. i looked for her. after a week out there she was ready to quit. she said, she needed help. tomorrow. tomorrow never came, but she was back with me and we continued the cycle. then, one day she left again and i didn't hear from her for 2 weeks.

all the while i was posting and posting. my life was upside down. it was killing me. i loved her so much, and couldnt stand to know what she was doing. i believed she loved me too, but was only confussed because of the drugs. surely her love was real. we spent so much time together, had such a close summer together, made plans for after recovery, it was going to be good.

i would read the replies over and over. i wanted to want to beleive them, but i couldn't. i wasn't ready. there was no way she didn't love me. there was no way she used me, consciously or not. i didn't want to say they were wrong, but i didn't want them to be right. in the end, the drugs won her and i was left a broken shell of myself alone.

there is pain and hurt on so many levels. it is not a normal break up. but after 2 weeks of her being gone, the fog is starting to clear. it is miraculous. i didn't even know i was ina fog until it started to lift. i think we become them and live in a similar shadow world. i guess what i am wanting to say is that 6 years is a long time and it is painfully hard to leave a relationship that is that long, but you seem to know what you need and want to do, but you are still attached to having him in your life, so it is hard to do it.

my childhood and issues landed me in this toxic relationship. i left good relationships before because they seemed to lack something. this toxic one has that somethnig, but lacks the good stuff. i have begun to learn that the good stuff is what matters. i am fortunate that she left me high and dry. she did something i was not ready to do myself. so, i realize this is much harder for you.

i am addicted to my addicts love, but i am suffering through the withdraw and starting to feel better. he was honest and told you he doesn't want rehab. so it is your choice. you can get off the roller coaster or keep going around and around. only you will get off when you are ready. there is NOTHING ANYONE said that could have changed my way of thinking. it had to happen in me, when the circumstances were right. when i was finally worn out and powerless.

you will get some great words here from people other than me, like i said, i am only just starting to recover. i was a tough case, read my old threads. i just refussed to get it. or it i did get it intellectually, my heart wasnt ready to let go. and no matter what positive words people wrote, they bounced off me. things will get better, you'll find someone who deserves your love and will love you back etc. i didnt care. i didnt want that. i wanted my gf back. the reality is, she's an addict and gone off living her life. i can remain attached to that and know i am unhappy deep down inside, or i can suffer through the loss and get through this hell to come out clean on the other side. i have finally started to choose that and you will too when you are ready. i still think about her every day, most of the day. i still love her and care about her, but i have to reclaim my life and live it for me.
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Old 11-10-2010, 10:00 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Read this:

What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
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Old 11-11-2010, 02:13 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Im heartbroken. I feel as though I was in this fairytale world were we were deeply in love. But i was in love with him, he wasnt with me.
I wouldn't even say that he did not love you. But as is now, he is simply not a whole person, able to love and give as a man should. He just cannot.

You do see the writing on the wall, and you are having a hard time accepting it, and living with the consequences. It took me months to come to the painful realization that my notion and idea about him and our relationship was not going to come to fruition. I finally got tired, and sick, of waiting for that "maybe" and decided to grab the life that I knew was out there. That, however, took another few months. There is no shortcut for getting through this stuff. It's darned hard, and painful, and there are setbacks.

BUT!
A beautiful life really does await you. It really does; I promise.

Please trust here on this board. Many of us have walked in your shoes.

Welcome.
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Old 11-12-2010, 06:00 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Welcome around. As everyone said read all you can you'll find great help here.
I was in the same sitiuation until yesterday. We've been together for 3 years and despite the fact that i thought alot about breaking up with him i was never able to really do it. It's the hardest decision to make but being with an addict forces you into a circle that never stops until something happens to stop it.just like they have to hit bottom to recover and stop using we also-people who are in love with addicts- have to hit bottom for us to be away from them. my bottom was yesterday when he beat me so hard.
My advice to you dont waste your time and feelings on someone who is not willing to change. the addict is a person who easily hurt himself ,destroying it on purpose dont think he'de care for you,he doesnt even care for himself.
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Old 11-14-2010, 12:25 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR,
Glad you found us, but sorry that you had to. My husband was the addict, I say was because we are no longer together, divorced. I think you are far from being addict to him and the drama, so don't even give that a thought. You are in love with him and have been caught up in the drama and chaos that comes with being with an addict. As most of us that have been here for sometime know my experience and with the knowledge of learning about addiction, adddiction is a progressive desease, so what you are witnessing now is his progression. I think what you are really wanting to know is if you threaten to leave him or leave will he stop this maddness. It is a really hard question for us to answer, as all addicts seems to have the same behavour, they do have different reactions. But I do think on a scale the rate is pretty high that they do not give it up because we leave. There love for the drug gets more and more the more they progress. In fact us leaving is almost a blessing for them, gets us out of the way so they can do as they want without any conflict coming from us.

We had two sons together and not even loosing them made him stop. I know this is not something you really want to here, but having a loved one with an addiction is going to be one of the hardest things in life you are ever going to have to deal with.

Rose
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Old 11-14-2010, 12:45 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I wouldn't want the responsibility of an addict getting clean for me. They need to do it for themselves if they have any hope to succeed. He isn't there. Bargaining, blackmailing, threatening, causing drama will NOT get him into recovery. In fact, it may work against what you want for him. You can only control YOU and do the things that will get you what YOU need and that is a healthy relationship. He can't give it to you in his current state. The addiction is his main priority. And even in recovery, that becomes their main priority. You will always be down on the list. That isn't to say he doesn't love you but so what if he does. He can't show you that love or give it to you in any way as long as he is using. Meanwhile you are giving more and more of yourself but for what? Crumbs of love? Don't you deserve the whole meal?
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Old 11-14-2010, 04:42 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Steve1840... Your words are my thoughts... Pretty much exactly. My addict boyfriend "let me go" 4 weeks ago now (and 1 day). Yes, I know it's pathetic that I know down to the day. He broke up with me because he said he loved me and didn't want me to continue to suffer because of him. He said he wanted to go to rehab when I left and conquer his addiction. Instead he had another woman and her son move in less than two weeks after I left town. According to him, she is just his roommate. I can ONLY somewhat believe this because that means she would be paying some kind of rent or utilities at least. It kills me, though, to think of him having any kind of relationship with her. I still love him a great deal. I spent the last 3 years with him, the last 2 trying to help him battle this addiction. He is my best friend. He is now ignoring me completely and will not return my texts or calls. I don't know if this is because he is now seeing this new woman or what the deal is with that. He spoke to my sister earlier this week and told her that he was not speaking to me for a while for my own sake, because I was having issues letting go, but he also told me sister some other things that I had supposedly done and said which are untrue. I don't know what the truth about anything is. All I know is that despite the fact that I do not want to go back to the miserable life I had with him, I still love & miss him so much that it hurts. I think about him constantly. I feel like I'm addicted to an addict.
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Old 11-14-2010, 08:04 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Steve1840... Your words are my thoughts... Pretty much exactly. My addict boyfriend "let me go" 4 weeks ago now (and 1 day). Yes, I know it's pathetic that I know down to the day. He broke up with me because he said he loved me and didn't want me to continue to suffer because of him. He said he wanted to go to rehab when I left and conquer his addiction. Instead he had another woman and her son move in less than two weeks after I left town. According to him, she is just his roommate. I can ONLY somewhat believe this because that means she would be paying some kind of rent or utilities at least. It kills me, though, to think of him having any kind of relationship with her. I still love him a great deal. I spent the last 3 years with him, the last 2 trying to help him battle this addiction. He is my best friend. He is now ignoring me completely and will not return my texts or calls. I don't know if this is because he is now seeing this new woman or what the deal is with that. He spoke to my sister earlier this week and told her that he was not speaking to me for a while for my own sake, because I was having issues letting go, but he also told me sister some other things that I had supposedly done and said which are untrue. I don't know what the truth about anything is. All I know is that despite the fact that I do not want to go back to the miserable life I had with him, I still love & miss him so much that it hurts. I think about him constantly. I feel like I'm addicted to an addict.
I'm sorry, Skylight. I know how it hurts. My xabf is with somebody else as well. He met her as soon as he ran off on his bender. Whatever. He can have her. People are attracted to people on their level. When you are at your highest point, you meet good quality people. When you are at your lowest point, you meet people on that level. Positive attracts positive. Lack attracts lack. He probably met you at his highest point.

Your boyfriend didn't leave you. Your addict left you. He doesn't care because he's an addict. He'd rather latch onto somebody else. Don't think for a second that he left you for some healthy relationship. She probably gives him money and a place to live. He can manipulate her. He can use her. She probably doesn't even know he's an addict. Trust me, it will end badly.

You will get through this! I promise!
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Old 11-14-2010, 10:38 AM   #18 (permalink)
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plz read the real life people here..they can tell you....I wish for you-- self esteem... and AL ANON, and PEACE
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Old 11-14-2010, 02:19 PM   #19 (permalink)
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recommend the book "women who love to much". imho you are recreating your childhood in adulthood and ultimately, comfortable with the drama. understand that you cannot change him. period. i have been on both sides of the fence, and learned the hard way. change always and only comes from within the addicted person. no amount of love, bargaining, threatening, cajoling wll ever make it any other way. If what you really want is a "healthy" life & relationships,Let go of the idea that you want to be with a "sober" him, and walk away, don't look back and work on your issues of codependency... it is almost as hard for a codependent to walk away from that type of relationship as it is for an addict to quit! so recognize it won't be easy, but it's probably for the best. By staying you are reaffirming to yourself, to him, and to the pwers that be that you are okay with the back and frth. I mean, it's been 6 years of drama, why would it suddenly become peaceful now? *this is just my opinion, nothing more....*
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Old 11-14-2010, 02:33 PM   #20 (permalink)
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It takes two people to make a relationship work. Sometimes one person isn't wanting it as much as the other. Irrespective of the drugs. Love doesn't take that much work if two people want it. Add on the drugs and you have complete crazymaking in a relationship where you may be the one caring more than the other.

I guess my point is, it isn't so much about the drugs sometimes. It is just that a relationship has run its course. Yes, you feel you deserve to be a huge part because of the sacrifices you made etc. Unfortunately that doesn't guarantee that love will last. Or that it was there for the other person in the first place. I've learned this the hard way in my own life. Doing more didn't guarantee more love or that it would last. In fact when I did less is when the relationship was allowed to breathe and grow.

I'm not one for self help books and there are lots of problems with that whole 'he's not that into you' book and concept but sometimes really that is all it is. One person is more into the relationship than the other.
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