Scared
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 16
Scared
My husband had an opiate addiction 2 years ago then got clean with suboxone. I figured this all out when I found the suboxone - I knew something was up for a long time but couldn't put my finger on it bc he had changed so much in so many ways. He never planned on telling me. Things began unraveling again recently after he weaned off sub and I told him I was concerned he was using again. I have found drugs in his stuff and saw him do cocaine one night. He of course adamantly denies everything. He said we needed a break on NYE and left. 2 weeks later I received a letter from his lawyer that he wants a divorce. That's fine - I have accepted it bc he is not the same man I married 8 years ago. I know what I have seen and I am certain he just despises me bc I called him out but I am so worried about my two young boys. My husband has not been home much since all this began in December and he continues to make up lies (bailed on seeing them this weekend to go away with god knows who). I am SOO scared about what is about to begin, not because of financials but because I told my lawyer I am going to need drug tests since I believe he is using again. I am frightened that this is going to set off such an ugly legal battle. I will do whatever it takes to ensure my kids are safe but I am so scared for what's to come. I struggle with not allowing my husband to drive the kids anywhere and with always being here when he does come home. I know it is what I have to do but It hasn't been easy.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Hugs to you! Sorry you are going through this.
No reason to spend hours trying to figure out why he does things he does - that is what addicts do.
Kudos for demanding drug testing and not allowing him to drive the kids - he is not trustworthy.
I know it feels like you are trapped at times - but it will get better over time, you will learn to manage your family without him. I did - I work full time and my child has special needs - so some extra challenges there, but I would not have it any other way
No reason to spend hours trying to figure out why he does things he does - that is what addicts do.
Kudos for demanding drug testing and not allowing him to drive the kids - he is not trustworthy.
I know it feels like you are trapped at times - but it will get better over time, you will learn to manage your family without him. I did - I work full time and my child has special needs - so some extra challenges there, but I would not have it any other way
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by Nata1980 
Hugs to you! Sorry you are going through this.
No reason to spend hours trying to figure out why he does things he does - that is what addicts do.
Kudos for demanding drug testing and not allowing him to drive the kids - he is not trustworthy.
I know it feels like you are trapped at times - but it will get better over time, you will learn to manage your family without him. I did - I work full time and my child has special needs - so some extra challenges there, but I would not have it any other way
No reason to spend hours trying to figure out why he does things he does - that is what addicts do.
Kudos for demanding drug testing and not allowing him to drive the kids - he is not trustworthy.
I know it feels like you are trapped at times - but it will get better over time, you will learn to manage your family without him. I did - I work full time and my child has special needs - so some extra challenges there, but I would not have it any other way
Thank you for the encouragement, and I admire you for your positivity. It's a very scary feeling not knowing what the future holds suddenly. I'm nervous to go back to work (have been home with my kids now for 6 years) and afraid of being able to manage it all. I know I'll find a way but it's an uneasy feeling.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 20
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's so hard to make sense of any of it and you're left feeling so lost and confused. I'm a month out of leaving my addicted fiance and still can't make too much sense out of what happened to him. I guess some things just never do, or will, make sense.
I was the child of addicts. I know this is so emotionally and physically draining for you, and you have 1000 different things on your mind, but please, protect your children at all costs. I realize that divorce is not something that anyone wants to go through, but if he can't get himself together, as a child who was once in your boys shoes, I can say that the damage addiction creates for children caught in the mix is far reaching, extremely damaging, and long lasting. Divorce is not the worst that can happen, trust me. I still struggle tremendously with the effects of growing up with addicts. Thankfully your boys have a sober parent, and although it isn't fair, you're the one who has to solely protect them from the fallout and hell that is their dad's addiction.
I believe that once you get out of this craziness of living with an addict, you'll be much happier. And when you're happier, your children will be happier as well. I had to go live with my grandmother eventually, who was recently divorced from my alcoholic grandfather, and I truly believe that it saved my life. My only good memories as a child where when I lived with her, and she was, and will always be, the reason I strive to be the best person I can be. We didn't have much, but I had stability and love with her, and as a kid, that was really all I needed. If it weren't for my grandmother, I have no idea where I'd be today, but I'm sure it wouldn't be anywhere good.
You deserve better. Your boys deserve better. I've watched the addicts in my family struggle for my entire life. Sadly, none have reached sobriety for longer than a few fragile years. 2 of my cousins are dead (same age as me), my aunt is dead, my mother is deathly ill from years of addiction, I have no idea where my dad is now or if he's even alive, and I see many other family members not far behind them. It's truly heartbreaking and for my own sake, I had to remove most of them from my life. I moved states away from them and although I'm lonely for family sometimes, I know it's best to stay far away from the chaos and pain.
He's done you a favor by leaving - it's hard to see it, but he has. You can only go up from here.
I was the child of addicts. I know this is so emotionally and physically draining for you, and you have 1000 different things on your mind, but please, protect your children at all costs. I realize that divorce is not something that anyone wants to go through, but if he can't get himself together, as a child who was once in your boys shoes, I can say that the damage addiction creates for children caught in the mix is far reaching, extremely damaging, and long lasting. Divorce is not the worst that can happen, trust me. I still struggle tremendously with the effects of growing up with addicts. Thankfully your boys have a sober parent, and although it isn't fair, you're the one who has to solely protect them from the fallout and hell that is their dad's addiction.
I believe that once you get out of this craziness of living with an addict, you'll be much happier. And when you're happier, your children will be happier as well. I had to go live with my grandmother eventually, who was recently divorced from my alcoholic grandfather, and I truly believe that it saved my life. My only good memories as a child where when I lived with her, and she was, and will always be, the reason I strive to be the best person I can be. We didn't have much, but I had stability and love with her, and as a kid, that was really all I needed. If it weren't for my grandmother, I have no idea where I'd be today, but I'm sure it wouldn't be anywhere good.
You deserve better. Your boys deserve better. I've watched the addicts in my family struggle for my entire life. Sadly, none have reached sobriety for longer than a few fragile years. 2 of my cousins are dead (same age as me), my aunt is dead, my mother is deathly ill from years of addiction, I have no idea where my dad is now or if he's even alive, and I see many other family members not far behind them. It's truly heartbreaking and for my own sake, I had to remove most of them from my life. I moved states away from them and although I'm lonely for family sometimes, I know it's best to stay far away from the chaos and pain.
He's done you a favor by leaving - it's hard to see it, but he has. You can only go up from here.
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Join Date: Mar 2002
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Originally Posted by CelticStorm
I believe that once you get out of this craziness of living with an addict, you'll be much happier. And when you're happier, your children will be happier as well. I had to go live with my grandmother eventually, who was recently divorced from my alcoholic grandfather, and I truly believe that it saved my life.
Sometimes life becomes very very hard, and the pain blurs our vision. It's time to think with clarity and just do what you need to do to make a happy family for yourself and your children, a family safe from addiction.
Hugs
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
I know the unknown can be scary, but it is more scary to have to always wonder each time you leave the house if he is going to be using while being home with the children. You don't need to be afraid to even run out to get some groceries or to just have a little me time because you can't trust your husband to be alone with your children.
It might take awhile, but one day you will feel freed and grateful that he filed for divorce. Sometimes it is so hard to make the first move and we keep putting it off and off, in the end he actually saved you and your children a lot of time. The sooner it is over, the sooner you can start enjoying life without an addict in the home. Now that, is priceless.
It might take awhile, but one day you will feel freed and grateful that he filed for divorce. Sometimes it is so hard to make the first move and we keep putting it off and off, in the end he actually saved you and your children a lot of time. The sooner it is over, the sooner you can start enjoying life without an addict in the home. Now that, is priceless.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by CelticStorm
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's so hard to make sense of any of it and you're left feeling so lost and confused. I'm a month out of leaving my addicted fiance and still can't make too much sense out of what happened to him. I guess some things just never do, or will, make sense.
I was the child of addicts. I know this is so emotionally and physically draining for you, and you have 1000 different things on your mind, but please, protect your children at all costs. I realize that divorce is not something that anyone wants to go through, but if he can't get himself together, as a child who was once in your boys shoes, I can say that the damage addiction creates for children caught in the mix is far reaching, extremely damaging, and long lasting. Divorce is not the worst that can happen, trust me. I still struggle tremendously with the effects of growing up with addicts. Thankfully your boys have a sober parent, and although it isn't fair, you're the one who has to solely protect them from the fallout and hell that is their dad's addiction.
I believe that once you get out of this craziness of living with an addict, you'll be much happier. And when you're happier, your children will be happier as well. I had to go live with my grandmother eventually, who was recently divorced from my alcoholic grandfather, and I truly believe that it saved my life. My only good memories as a child where when I lived with her, and she was, and will always be, the reason I strive to be the best person I can be. We didn't have much, but I had stability and love with her, and as a kid, that was really all I needed. If it weren't for my grandmother, I have no idea where I'd be today, but I'm sure it wouldn't be anywhere good.
You deserve better. Your boys deserve better. I've watched the addicts in my family struggle for my entire life. Sadly, none have reached sobriety for longer than a few fragile years. 2 of my cousins are dead (same age as me), my aunt is dead, my mother is deathly ill from years of addiction, I have no idea where my dad is now or if he's even alive, and I see many other family members not far behind them. It's truly heartbreaking and for my own sake, I had to remove most of them from my life. I moved states away from them and although I'm lonely for family sometimes, I know it's best to stay far away from the chaos and pain.
He's done you a favor by leaving - it's hard to see it, but he has. You can only go up from here.
I was the child of addicts. I know this is so emotionally and physically draining for you, and you have 1000 different things on your mind, but please, protect your children at all costs. I realize that divorce is not something that anyone wants to go through, but if he can't get himself together, as a child who was once in your boys shoes, I can say that the damage addiction creates for children caught in the mix is far reaching, extremely damaging, and long lasting. Divorce is not the worst that can happen, trust me. I still struggle tremendously with the effects of growing up with addicts. Thankfully your boys have a sober parent, and although it isn't fair, you're the one who has to solely protect them from the fallout and hell that is their dad's addiction.
I believe that once you get out of this craziness of living with an addict, you'll be much happier. And when you're happier, your children will be happier as well. I had to go live with my grandmother eventually, who was recently divorced from my alcoholic grandfather, and I truly believe that it saved my life. My only good memories as a child where when I lived with her, and she was, and will always be, the reason I strive to be the best person I can be. We didn't have much, but I had stability and love with her, and as a kid, that was really all I needed. If it weren't for my grandmother, I have no idea where I'd be today, but I'm sure it wouldn't be anywhere good.
You deserve better. Your boys deserve better. I've watched the addicts in my family struggle for my entire life. Sadly, none have reached sobriety for longer than a few fragile years. 2 of my cousins are dead (same age as me), my aunt is dead, my mother is deathly ill from years of addiction, I have no idea where my dad is now or if he's even alive, and I see many other family members not far behind them. It's truly heartbreaking and for my own sake, I had to remove most of them from my life. I moved states away from them and although I'm lonely for family sometimes, I know it's best to stay far away from the chaos and pain.
He's done you a favor by leaving - it's hard to see it, but he has. You can only go up from here.
Thank you. I am so sorry for the pain you have endured through other people's addiction. I have learned so much about all of this just in the 2 short years it's been a part of my life. What I have started to focus more on is that my husband's mother is also addicted to pain pills (after being diagnosed with cancer 6 years ago), his father has also struggled with pill addiction bc of surgeries (and I am also concerned he is still using them), not to mention many deaths on my husband's father's side from addiction (alcoholism and drugs). I now see very clearly that there is a family history here that has never been acknowledged or really discussed. My husband is now living with his parents which I feel is a recipe for disaster and I have already said he cannot take the kids without me until I have weeks of repetitive negative drug tests (I have asked for 3 times a week from a facility for now). It feels hurtful to me to insist on that but I know it's what has to be done, and that's what I'm doing. I also now recognize that I will have to educate my children properly as they get older about addiction bc I am terrified now that this could affect them.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
The transition of getting out of the addicts way is a very difficult one but once you are out of their hostile environment life gets much easier. I am in a very bitter and costly custody battle with my ex and it's not easy. But when you are doing the best for your children you are doing the right thing. Document everything and know all your emails and texts can and will be used in the courts. My ex exposed his addictions via text and email to me and that is what is helping my case tremendously....and also the failure to submit to a drug test. I am a huge proponent of hair follicle testing. My ex is willing to submit to a urine test but fighting against the hair follicle test. My lawyer assures me in my state they are supportive of hair follicle tests. I recommend that you allow him access to the kids but ONLY supervised until he can submit to clean drug tests. The courts will want to see that you are allowing him to see the kids, but will understand the supervised visits if you have the proof that he's using. I know how painful this is especially when children are involved...I have two small ones myself. But I am striving every day to give them a happy and healthy life with a consistent schedule. They are thriving and happy and that is priceless. I do worry so much about the possibility of him getting some custody...but at this point I just take a day at a time and I'm thankful that I got my kids and I out of a hostile and extremely unhealthy environment. There is lots of support on here...you found a great place! Sending lots of peace and hugs to you and your kids.
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