My Only Child

[Mamatwerp]

My daughter is 21 and in jail. She will be starting recovery very shortly as she's waiting for a bed to open in a residential treatment program. She got heavily involved in oxycontin and believe it or not, jail has been the best place for her. She was forced to stay clean and recently...let's just say she's started to realize her body is returning to normal. I am thrilled. She sounds more like herself every day.

I want to do everything I possibly can to support her in her recovery effort. This is so painful for me because she was like my little best friend until she was 15 and then turned into a monster alter ego I nicknamed "Fifteena." I miss my kid and look forward to the day she is independently happy, healthy and leading a normal life.

Other moms, dads, relatives, any guidance? This is the first time I've had to deal with this type of thing. (I've never used hard drugs.) I'm not asking for mental health advice or legal advice, just anecdotal experiences - and reasons to remain hopeful and optimistic.

Thoughts?

[suki44883]

Welcome to SR! You will find much support here from people who understand what you are going through. Hang around a while and read the forums and especially the stickies at the top of this forum. There is a lot of good and valuable wisdom to be found there.

I'm sorry your daughter has made bad choices and that she has found herself in jail. Sometimes that is what it takes to make them open their eyes to the direction they are heading. It's also good that she will be going to an in-patient rehab facility. She will learn the skills necessary for her to make better choices once she is back out and living in the world.

I don't mean to rain on your parade, but, please, tread cautiously during this time. I know that she is saying the things you want to hear right now, but that is easy to do when one ends up in jail. She still has a long way to go before she is healthy. Since she is 21, she will be able to check herself out of treatment at any time, and many do after a few days or weeks. The fact is, she will only get as much out of treatment as she is willing to put in. I hope she takes it seriously and stays for the full time.

Once again, welcome to SR! We are here to support YOU.

[hello-kitty]

Hi. Welcome!

Other moms, dads, relatives, any guidance?

There are some amazing parents of addicts around this website who will have wonderful insight for you. My ex is an addict and I am a recovering addict as well so my perspective may be a little bit different but in the end I think the way we need to approach the addiction/recovery of our loved ones is the same. We need to set firm boundaries about the kind of behavior we will accept in our homes and we need to allow the addicts the dignity and respect of making their own choices no matter how awful they are.

I hope your daughter is serious about recovery! I really really do. But, it's hard to stay hopefully and at the same time remain realistic about what the future might bring. It's really up to her.

Have you looked into Al-anon? Addiction is truly a family disease. It affects everyone. We may not be able to fix the addict. But we can work on ourselves. Actually, there is a saying that we should work the recovery that we hope/wish our loved one will work. Al-anon is the place to do that.

[Angelic17]

Hello Mamatwerp, Welcome to SR I also am the mother of an addict. My son is also my only child. And as much as I hope that your daughter is willing to stay clean, opiate addicts usually have a very tough time. My son is also an opiate addict. He too was a great kid, star ball player. Warm and loving person. Got involved with pain pills, got in deep, and went to rehab. When he was finished with rehab I said OH GREAT, this is over. But it wasn't. And it will never be over. He will always have that addiction. Whether he is using or not. The key is to keep himself in recovery. It's up to him.
And your daughters sobriety is up to her. There is nothing you can do to keep her clean. It took me years to learn that. I really thought I could change this addiction for him. Boy, was I wrong.

Opiate addiction is a tough one to beat. There is always hope, so don't get discouraged. Just be prepared that this might not be the end of the drugs. I'm sorry, and I hope that it is over for your sake, and for your daughter. I really do. Sometimes it takes a while, so be patient. Addiction has a very high relapse rate. My son is on his seventh try at getting clean. He's been in and out of many rehabs. My son really wanted to get off the drugs, he just couldn't. The opiates had a hold on him. He is now 3 months clean. I pray daily.

I hope it will be over for your daughter now too. Believe me, I understand.

If you don't mind me asking, what is your daughter charged with in jail? It usually takes alot for them to hold her. Maybe this jail time will be her wake up call. She is only 21 and I'm sure she has so much potential.
From one mom to another. My heart goes out to you.

Do yourself a favor, and find a Naranon near you. Naranon will help you and teach you coping skills. And you will meet other mothers and families with the same situation. Naranon teaches you to take care of yourself, and not to let your daughters addiction consume you.

Helping is one thing, enabling is another. It took alot for me to stop enabling my son. I thought I was helping. I wasn't. This site helped me to learn the difference. I sure hope your daughter gets well. Sometimes it's toughest on the mother. It's heartbreaking to watch our children hurt themselves and ruin their lives and health. My heart goes out to you.

[Freedom1990]

Welcome to SR, and there are many mothers here with addicted children.

I have a 32 year old daughter who's an active addict, been in and out of jail many times, and is not interested in recovery.

I am also a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic. I abused opiates for many years, along with alcohol, and ended up being a daily user of crystal meth at the end.

Please consider getting support for yourself through Alanon or Naranon meetings. Alanon is more widely available, and has been a lifesaver for me. It helps us to heal from the effects of a loved one's addictions and/or alcoholism.

Although my daughter doesn't choose recovery, what she does see is a mother who has her own program of recovery, and practices it every day.

The best support you can be to your daughter is to take care of yourself first and foremost.

I would also like to recommend the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It's an excellent read, and was an eye-opener for me.

I will certainly keep your daughter and you in my prayers. Recovery is possible.

Keep posting, and know that you are among friends.

[Kindeyes]

Welcome to SR from another mother. My son is an addict/alcoholic......current drug he is trying to kick......meth.

I don't have advice to give you but I will tell you that my son's inpatient rehab was the beginning point of my own recovery. My husband and I participated in every family meeting, traveling 1-1/2 hours each way three times a week for four weeks. I gained knowledge and understanding of myself during those meetings. I met wonderful people who understood our pain, confusion, hope, and helplessness.

Rehab didn't get my son sober.......but it helped me more than I can express here. It helped me begin to heal, understand myself, as well as understand my participation in the dance of addiction.

gentle hugs to you as you begin your journey.

[wicked]

Originally Posted by Mamatwerp

My daughter is 21 and in jail. She will be starting recovery very shortly as she's waiting for a bed to open in a residential treatment program. She got heavily involved in oxycontin and believe it or not, jail has been the best place for her. She was forced to stay clean and recently...let's just say she's started to realize her body is returning to normal. I am thrilled. She sounds more like herself every day.

I want to do everything I possibly can to support her in her recovery effort. This is so painful for me because she was like my little best friend until she was 15 and then turned into a monster alter ego I nicknamed "Fifteena." I miss my kid and look forward to the day she is independently happy, healthy and leading a normal life.

Other moms, dads, relatives, any guidance? This is the first time I've had to deal with this type of thing. (I've never used hard drugs.) I'm not asking for mental health advice or legal advice, just anecdotal experiences - and reasons to remain hopeful and optimistic.

Thoughts?

Hello Mamatwerp,

I am a recovering alcoholic with two children addicted to different substances. My oldest, a son, is addicted to heroin. He went to prison for three years after many stints in jail related to stealing to feed his addiction.
He came out clean and ready to live a new life. 18 months later, he was arrested again for retail fraud (again to get the cash) and sentenced to a year in a Zero Tolerance Program. He was attending college, getting Dean's List grades, majoring in Maths, and tutoring for money. He was shining. But the drugs called him back. This is not to bring you down, I am thrilled he is back in a program and not killing himself with needles, he knows how good his life can be, and my hope is he will come back to it.


My youngest, my only daughter, was mainly using alcohol, but marijuana was her drug of choice after xanax nearly killed her at 14 years old. She will be 18 in September, and is in the county jail right now awaiting sentencing to a residential rehab. Her first letter to me was so upbeat and loving. she seems so thrilled to be "caught" and have another chance at rehab. this will be her third. I told her when I wrote back that she must work the program like her life depends on it, because it does. I will support recovery efforts, and that is all I can do.


I, as a mother, have felt so responsible and guilty that I have been saving her and my son from falling on their a$$es, so they had to hit it hard..
I will now step out of their way and let them find recovery on their own, and I will work my own recovery.
My thoughts are with you, as well as my hopes
Beth

PS
I used to call my daughter my "bumblebee", and she signed her letter
from your bumblebee.

[gotahavfaith]

Hi mamatwerp...Another mother chiming in here.

I have an addicted daughter also. She is 25 and my only child. Her drug of choice is also Oxycotin. My daughter and I too were very close, and I hope one day we will be again. I feel your pain, I truly do. One day I would love to say with total honesty that I trust my daughter, I think that is one of the things that I miss most.

She is now in a 6 month residential treatment program. For today she is doing well and has been clean for 3 months. I see a light in her eyes. It gives me hope. I am CAUTIOUSLY OPTOMISTIC. I hope both of our daughters see that they are SO worth fighting for. I had spent so much time and energy fighting for her that I wore myself down physically, mentally, spiritually. I now know that she has to fight this for herself. And I have to let her. We, as moms just don't have the ability to fix it.

Please take care of yourself. It is the best thing you can do for her and yourself.

Sending prayers and hugs to you and your daughter.

Gotahavfaith

[ladyamalthea]

(((mamatwerp)))

Welcome!

My experience is a little different because the addict in my life is my sister, who is in her early 20's (five years younger than me). So, while I can't offer advice as a parent, I can share with you what I have watched my parents do in hopes of curing my sister.

Unfortunately for them, they became so addicted to saving her, that they pretty much lost everything to her addiction. They have lost their home, their valuables, and (sometimes I think) their sanity.

I'm not trying to discourage you. Far from it. I guess all I'm saying is that I have seen what addiction can do to the rest of the family, and that the meetings that others are encouraging you to get to just may be the best thing you could do. My parents live over an hour away from me, and if my mom called me tomorrow and asked me to take her to one, I would drop everything I was doing and give her a ride. I would give anything if it meant they would work on their own recovery, and those meetings are the best thing for most of us.

I have gone to a few meetings myself here recently, and words cannot express how comforting they have been. And it really doesn't matter which one you go to... nar-anon is supposed to be more for loved ones of addicts, and al-anon for loved ones of alcoholics. But it's the same program, and my al-anon group loves me just the same as if alcohol was my sister's problem instead of heroin.

One of the biggest motivators I have right now to keep working on my recovery is that I want to be strong enough to keep a clear head on my shoulders no matter what my family is doing, and working on me is the only way I can get there.

[Spiritual Seeker]

Have you started going to al-anon AND finding a home group ? Some areas have
meetings just for parents. If you work the 12 steps through this program it can slowly change you + all your relationships.
Also, as your daughter works a program, you will learn to speak the same language.
Be patient as recovery is a long process for all involved.

[Serenity Bound]

(((Mamatwerp))) Welcome to SR! You have been given excellent info already, I truly hope that you will continue reading & posting. And look into Alanon/Naranon meetings.

I am the mother of an only child also. My daughter is 31 yr old and her DOC is crack.

Today she is a little over 6 months clean. And absolutely nothing I did got her to this point. She needed to reach her bottom, I needed to get out of her way and let her
reach that bottom. Yes, she went to jail, yes, she was in several rehabs, but none of these were her bottom. She only reached her bottom when SHE got sick & tired of living the way she was. (before finally embracing recovery...she was living in a cardboard box...Nov/Dec 09)

The only thing I CAN do is to encourage her when she is feeling down and Pray daily.

One of the first things I learned in Naranon is the 3 C's

I didn't cause it
I can't control it
I can't cure it.

there is also a 4th C.
I can contribute to it. (by enabling)

Sending you hugs & prayers.
Chris

[outtolunch]

I too have one child and the addict in my life. I was well on the way to bankrupting myself financally, emotionally and physically, in my obsession to cure her and support her recovery.

Accepting that I have absolutely no control over her and her sobriety was and remains the most humbling experience of my life. Only when I fully accepted that it was my ego driving my quest, did my head clear.

I got out of her way. She eventually made the decision to clean up on her own. That every person she knew who was involved with hardcore drugs had either died or was in prison, was likely a contributing factor, too.

She may stay clean forever or relapse in 10 minutes. Either/or, it's beyond my control or influence. I changed the only thing I could, me.

[Angelic17]

Mamatwerp, As I sit here reading all of the posts that were sent to you from mothers who love their addict children. As I read, I continue to understand so much more. I hope you find what it is your looking for here, which is probably love and support. You are not alone, and you will get alot of great information from mom's who have been doing this longer than we have, and they really know what they are talking about. I have to be honest, at first I didn't want to hear it. I thought, yeah right. I will always help my son. So, I did things my way, and I had to learn the hard way. The truth is, I wasn't helping at all. I was hurting him, and loving him right into his own grave. This site taught me what co-dependancy really is. If you want to see co-dependant. Just look at me two years ago. I'm proud to say, after talking with people at Naranon, and people like Freedom 1990 and so many others, I have learned that my way, is not the right way.

Every mom here is in the same situation as you. We suffer right along with our kids and the reason is that they are part of us. It's so difficult to detach from our own flesh and blood. But the reality is, if we don't, it just makes matters worse. It prolongs the inevitable. And that's the bottom our kids must get to before they are willing to change their lives. They have to be sick and tired. And want to change their lifestyle. We are powerless over another persons actions.

My sons addiction was the most devastating experience of my life. I was depleted, emotionally,financially & mentally. I ran ragged trying to help, and find help for him. Little did I know at the time, that HE needed to want help and find that help for himself. It cost me big time, and not just financially. I lost weight, sleep, money, and my sanity.

I trembled with fear that he would die, or worse. Worse than death is living totally addicted. With death comes peace. I learned through my faith that death is not the worst thing. But, try telling that to the mother who has lost her child to the horror of addiction. Death might be the end of addiction, but it opens a whole new wound, of loss, devastation, and grief that will not end.

With active addiction there is no peace. There are rehabs, hospitals and jails, lying, and fighting, and struggles. Manipulation, homelessness you name it. The list goes on and on. Your thread has opened my eyes to the fact that all of us moms are more alike than we are different. I think its great how we are all here for each other. To all of the mom's who have lost children, my heart bleeds for each of you. I know the love a mom has, and it's an unbearable loss to lose your child. I'm sorry.