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Old 02-21-2010, 08:55 PM   #1 (permalink)

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boyfriend in rehab for a year

Hi everyone,
So here is the story. My boyfriend is in rehab and has been for 90 days now. The program is a year long. He is able to call his mom and dad once a week for 10 mins. So far he still has not been able to call me or write me. While he is there he isn't suppose to have any pics of me or anything. I'm getting so frustrated that they are keeping us away like this. His mom says that he tells her he has a hard time concentrating because all he can think about is me and just want to talk to me or at least write. There are a few other guys that are going through the same thing with their girlfriends so at least I know I'm not the only one they are doing this to. Can someone please tell me why they are blocking me off completely from him and vis versa and do you think it will be like this for the rest of the year? It is obviously not helping him focus. Thank you.
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Old 02-21-2010, 09:06 PM   #2 (permalink)
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My son entered a one yr. rehab exactly two yrs ago this month.
Same rules as you state, one call ea. Sunday to his parents only. He was not allowed to read books that weren't about recovery, etc.

His focus must be on recovery. If he doesn't get it, everything else in his life will go back to being a disaster. My son struggled a lot the first few months as well.
That is when they really need to dig deep and do the work of recovery with no distractions.

Get busy focusing on something besides him...leave the space for him to get well. His life depends on it.
The rehab knows what they are doing.


My son went to short term rehabs twice.
It wasn't til he went for long-term at 23 that he got well.

Is his rehab in AZ ?
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Old 02-22-2010, 07:16 AM   #3 (permalink)
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i agree with spiritual seeker. i've been to rehab quite a few times before i really got sober and those were the rules. its meant for the addict to completely focus on recovery which at first is very hard to do. in rehab, i was always told that the thing i worried about the most would be the very thing i'd lose. that thing or someone would be the very thing that would keep me from concentrating on learning what i needed to learn that would help me to have lasting sobriety.

time for you to totally focus on you while he's there doing the same. if its meant to be then when its time, it will be. you both are in my prayers.

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Old 02-22-2010, 03:36 PM   #4 (permalink)
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My EAB/F just completed a 30 day treatment and he did write me. He tried to call and I changed my number. His letters were about how much he loved me and to beg me not to "abandon" him. I can tell you from my experience that my b/f is obsessed with us and is unable to concentrate on himself. I believe that no contact is the best way. Addicts are addicted to the person in their life as well as to substances. Focusing on us is a way to escape themselves and the very, very painful feelings that come with facing themselves alone!!!! My ex is now out of rehab and desperately wanting to talk to me. I know he has to face his problems himself, but its hard not to get "sucked"in. I think if you really want to have a chance at having a healthy relationship, you both need to use this time to get your own #$%^ together!! Join al anon, read books on addiction and c0-dependency, join a gym, there are lots of things you can do while he is getting much needed help. He will eventually adjust to not being able to talk to worries!!!
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Old 02-22-2010, 06:09 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Did your boyfriend try and get clean prior to treatment?

If so, you realize that it didn't work. These people are professionals, and there is a lot of evidence supporting what they do. You feel like they are "doing this to" you, but it's not about you right now. Your BF, and these counselors and techs, are trying to save his life. It must be very lonely, and of course you just want to touch him, talk to him. But you simply cannot right now. So try and accept it, see the good in it, and I think that will help. Just think, wouldn't it wonderful if you lived your independent life for a year, and he got clean and sober, and then you two could have a new lease on life? Now visualize what a strong, smart and independent young woman does to have fun, to grow, and live life fully. Then go start doing it.
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Old 03-07-2010, 08:36 PM   #6 (permalink)

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I'm in the exact same situation as you, my very best friend & boyfriend is 2 months into a 10 month drug recovery program. I have learned here and at nar-anon meetings that this is the time to take care of myself, and I am trying, I am going to meetings, doing the readings, journaling, ect...but I find it all very hard when so much of what I am learning I want to share with him and can't. I have no idea what he is even thinking. His recovery program is definitely shutting me out, and as much as the reality hurts, I am scared that that concept will transfer with him after his treatment possible, if that is what they are telling him he needs to do (and it sure seems like they are). I feel like I am stuck in such LIMBO.

I understand recovery with family is very important, but what really bothers me is that it was NOT his family who suffered at the hands of his addiction, it was not his family whose money he spent to feed his habit, who lost their self-identity to him, and have to live with the shame of accepting you let someone take this from you. (I am NOT playing the victim, even though that last sentence could come off like that, I really am passed that- I, and I stress I, make the choice not to leave him earlier, and therefore I have to accept responsibility that it was my decision to stay that caused me to lose everything for him, and I can not blame anyone else. )

The point I am trying to make is that my boyfriends parents never would of know he was addicted to drugs if I hadn't called and told them. He lived on the opposite side of the country, and he only saw them on xmas each year for about 5 days. I lived with him, before he was an addict and then through his addiction, a total of 4 years, I was the one whose life began completely unmanageable because of his addiction. Their lives were not even shaken his addiction, whereas he left my life in shambles. Since his treatment program's first priority is healing their family relationship, I can't stop myself from feeling like a piece of garage, and even worst I start to question myself, am I some "demon" to his recovery? Do they even care to acknowledge what hell he has put me through...and maybe even pause and consider, "This girl, she is probably in a lot of pain right now too, and needs some type of closure". I just feel so menial.

I am sorry I didn't really give much advice, I am looking for some too, and for not I am just trying to let go of my anger, and concentrate of me. I have to let go of my bitterness to heal, I know that. Good luck, and please, keep me informed on your progress, I would love to share more with you about our similar situations. Have a great evening.
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Old 03-15-2011, 10:11 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I didn't see the post originally or I would have responded. My bf is also in a year long program and was breaking rules to talk to me (uh oh). I can tell you that it would have felt AWFUL if he was kicked out of the program because he broke rules.

Well, he has gone completely silent and it devastated me at first but in talking to people who have been in rehab, SR and my therapist, I see why he had to do this. He probably came pretty close to getting in trouble with his program for his behavior. It doesn't make the pain any less but if you love him (and I'm sure you do) you will want him to take full advantage of the opportunity he has to put his life together.

You do feel like you are shut out and in limbo. My biggest hurdle is how it sounds counter intuitive to me: go to rehab to learn skills to be honest and present for loved ones but shut out some of the very loved ones in the process. I was also told that not every gf or bf of someone in recovery is a healthy influence, they may also have addiction issues so those relationships definitely can jeopardize someone's recovery.

I see it from their perspective clearly.. but yeah, it feels cruddy. I'm surprised they won't let you write letters at least. You can call them and find out the rules for correspondence.
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Old 03-16-2011, 05:48 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I know that you miss him but he is dealing with a lethal disease....addiction. When you love an addict it can be just as lethal (anxiety, depression, giving up our lives to worry about them, etc.).

A year sounds like a long time but in terms of a healthy and sober life for the rest of his life it really is a short time. When my husband went into recovery, one of the counselors told us both that if he remained sober that both of would be different people in a year than the ones that we were right then. She could not guarantee that we would even still want to be togethehr. I decided then and there to completely focus on me, work my own recovery, and do everything in my power for me. I hoped that we would still be together but took a huge gamble....I at least wanted the consolation that I would be in a better place in my own life.

It helped for me to stay focused on me and to remain open and flexible for what life had in store for me. I had a friend in Naranon whose boyfriend was away for a year in his program. He grew and changed and she really didn't....there relationship did not end up working out. I know that all of most want for our loved ones to get sober. If they do, it means that everything in there life and perspective has to change...obviously that is going to impact a lot of areas of life. I was willing to take the risk but only with a commitment to work on myself 100%. Doing that helped to fill the time and longings for the difficult times in those early years.

I'm thinking about you. You've found a wonderful site with lots of experience, strength, and hope...I hope that you will keep coming back.
"If I stay in the light of what I can do to make my life better, rather than in the darkness of anger, blame and fear of the problem, my path remains lit and my world is a better place."
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Old 08-04-2013, 03:26 PM   #9 (permalink)

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please write me asap i really need help and you seem like you've been through the same situation (it won't let me put my email so i just tried that i hope you get what i meant.

Last edited by Seren; 08-04-2013 at 03:30 PM. Reason: E-mail address removed for privacy reasons.
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Old 08-04-2013, 03:29 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Hi liz,

Welcome to SR! This thread was begun 3 years ago....but if you stick around, I'm sure you will get plenty of support!

Hugs, HG
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Old 08-22-2013, 03:27 AM   #11 (permalink)

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Need help for my brother

My family cannot go on like this anymore, and I need to find a place for my brother to go to for 1 year, he has been to 2 drug rehabs for 2 months, and it didn't work, he manipulated them so much and believed he has recovered. I want to put an end to everything, he is 32 years old, and living with my parents and has stolen more than R500 000 from them is the past year. Please can someone refer a good rehabilitation centre for me in South Africa.

Thank you
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