New - Addict father

[sayuri]

The story:

After my parents split my dad found some girl he knew in high school and they hooked up and moved in together almost right away. It was weird but whatever. Every winter my dad has to go to the states to work because his job requires no snow, we live in Canada. So him and this new lady went off to the states when Winter hit. And I never saw him again for 2 years or so.

He would call at first, sent some money. But the calls stopped after the first year. I didn't feel inclined to call since he took off like that. Doubt the number would work any more anyways. I sent a fathers day card to an address he gave me and it was returned unopened. That's when I really stopped caring or trying.

Mean while my mom was getting feedback from some of his employers that he and this girl got addicted to hard drugs. The girl was selling herself for money. They lived in a truck and sometimes on the street when the truck was "lent out". He was bouncing from Florida to New York to Maryland.

Then out of no where he's back in town. Haven't seen him in 2 years, or talked to him for 1 year. Says his truck was impounded and needs $2000 to get it out. So he took my car that was in his name. Says he'll pay me back... we'll see. He was here for a grand total of 2 days. After he left I saw the coffee table had some mysterious white powder all over it. Oh and his girlfriend has Shingles and is staying with her parents till she gets better, and then they plan on going back to Florida. I don't know how my mom knows but apparently her parents wont let my dad stay with them. They kicked him out and only took their daughter in because she was sick. So I'm guessing he's staying with his sisters.

He gave me some money when he got here, but then took it back to fix up my car to take.

Sorry I'm rambling.

After all that I don't know what to ask. Guess I just needed to be heard. Should I confront him about the drugs? I feel bad but I kind of don't care if I never see him again. I know it's not his fault because of the drugs. But then he shouldn't have left in the first place like that. Sometimes I feel guilty I didn't try calling more but everyone I talk to says it isn't my fault, he's the parent, even though I'm 23 he still should be the instigator.

Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

[breakingfree88]

Welcome. I'm sorry your father is an addict. My father is an addict also, so I can relate to some of what you're feeling. If he continues to 'hound' you, I would tell him that you know he's using. He'll deny it, and probably get angry, but I would say it just to plant it in his head. Then he can stop fooling himself that he has you fooled.
One thing I've learned in dealing with addicts is that you can't go into something with the intention that it will *make* them do something. Expecting a reaction.
But since you said it doesn't matter if you see him again (maybe I believe that, maybe not), then it seems like you wouldn't try to manipulate him into getting help.
You're right, continue to cut contact. And you have every right to tell him why.
I'm not sure what to do about your car!
One day, hopefully he'll get help.
Until then, continue to distance yourself and take care of you.
And everybody's right, you know.
Its not your fault.
We have something called the three c's.
You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CONTROL it.
And you can't CURE it.
So I'll add one more.
CARE for YOU.

Thank you for sharing your story. Others will be around later with more feedback.

[outtolunch]

Whatever his reasons, they have absolutely nothing to do with you. He is not behaving this way because of anything you did or not. It's his character defect.

Usually, when we contemplate confronting someone we have a motive.....to compel them to change their ways. As it relates to drugs, it's a waste of time.

You already know he's an addict and he's not going to change until he's ready, which may be never.

Best thing is to guard your own money and posessions because family is the number one target for most addicts. There is always a sob story and when that's not effective, anything that can be carried off, often has a way of going missing. No one can manipulate situations and people as well as an addict.

You did not cause this. You cannot control this. And you cannot cure this.
Your dad owns this one, fair and square.

[teke]

welcome, sorry you are going through all of this but i'm glad you posted. lots of exp, strength and hope here. keep posting and reading, maybe check out alanon or naranon f2f support groups for you.

your dad is addicted because of the choices he made. he's doing what addicts do. check out the stickies at the top of the forum page, there is a lot of good info there.

i think maybe if confronting him will make you feel better then do so, but know that he may not react the way you might expect him to, and nothing you say or do will convince him to stop using. he'll have to want that for himself.

none of this is your fault, addicts usually prefer being around people who don't get in the way of their drug use. you and your family are in my prayers

[sayuri]

Thanks guys! You made me feel a bit better!

He said he'd see me for Christmas... What do you get a drug addict who lives in a truck for Christmas?

[Carol Star]

My Dad was an alcoholic. He came around when he needed money or something else. Don't be hooked by his quacking. They want to use. Period. They will lie and know you know they are lying. Accept that you may have lost your car. Don't cosign anything or give him money. It is sad. You sound very wise. No contact is really the easiest way.

[Chino]

Originally Posted by sayuri

He said he'd see me for Christmas... What do you get a drug addict who lives in a truck for Christmas?

A small picture of you. A warm blanket and a pillow, maybe some gloves and wool socks

[Insulated]

I'm so sorry about your father. His being an addict. Usually they do seem to band together like that though. The common thread between he & his girlfriend IS drugs. I'm sorry to say that Florida (the tricounty area Pinellas, Hillsborough, Pasco) is the drug mecca! Once you're in Florida it's like you're met at the state line with drugs and all kinds of illegal activity. I know you worry about your father and his health, have you tried talking to him? Have you given him options and offered to drive him to treatment?