Lost and lonely

[heartbeats]

Hi, all,

I've lurked on the boards for awhile now, and thought maybe it was time to share my story, because I'm at a loss for what to do and how to feel.

I'm a college student in my early 20's with a mother who is addicted to prescription pills. I had a wonderful childhood until about 10, when my mother was in an accident. That's where the trouble began. She had several back surgeries, and was given pills as a result. I didn't understand what was happening when I was younger; my brother and I would just say, "Oh, mom's crazy again" because we didn't know she was high on meds. She was verbally and physically abusive to me throughout middle and high school...she's still verbally abusive, but the physical abuse stopped, thank god.

It's been almost fifteen years since she started on them, and it's completely out of control. She cannot go a day without them. She will take combinations of pills and become so messed up she can't even walk or speak. Percocet, vicodin, valium, xanax, morphine patches, ambien (that's her newest thing; she takes them and stays awake : / ), anything she can get her hands on. She had a seizure last year as a result of taking copious amounts of a new drug she hadn't had before. She totaled a car. She's ruined countless friendships (including some of my own). She hasn't worked in 15 years. She forges my checks (I accidentally left some at home).

I have tried many times in the past to talk to her about it. She flat out denies any drug usage and says I'm a liar (among other colorful words). Yesterday, after a horribly embarrassing Thanksgiving dinner, I confronted her at home. She went off, attacking anything and everything about me; most notably my sexuality (I'm a lesbian), which completely humiliated me. She screamed in my face that she wasn't on anything and never had been in her life. This was a blatant lie, considering I knew she had just stolen a bottle of pills from our Thanksgiving host's house.

She has broken me down so badly that I give up. I just can't help someone who can't admit they have a problem at all. Our family is very small and not close-knit, so there's no way I'm going to get any outside help. It seems like it's always been just me and my brother, and now she's sucking him in. He's 18, so he's able to make his own decisions, but my mother is having him buy her pills on the street. She also shares them with him, which makes me sick. My father is a functioning alcoholic but has pretty much given up on life and doesn't care what my mother does.

I don't even know what I'm hoping to get out of writing this...just felt like something I needed to do. I know I need to change something in my life. Right now, I talk to my mother every day on the phone (she becomes very upset if I don't) and come home to visit quite frequently. These visits always end with me being stressed and sad, but I like seeing my brother, who still lives at home. Do I need to cut off contact with my mother completely? I'm so afraid that's the answer I'm going to get.

Anyway, I'm sorry for rambling and making this far too long. I thank anyone with the patience to read it. Anyone who's been in a similar situation, I'd love to hear from you. How did you deal? What did you say to the addicted person? Is it wrong for me to feel like there's nothing I can do? I mean, the few people I've ever confided in about this have told me I have to do something because she's dangerous, but they just don't understand how mean she gets, and how she still is able to make me afraid of her. They tell me to call the cops on her and have her jailed. I just don't know if I could do that. Ughh. This board has already helped me a lot, just knowing I'm not the first in such a situation.

[NeedingHelp7]

Dear heartbeats, First I'd like to say WELCOME!!
There is nothing is more painful and lonely to me than having family members that are addicts. I too have 3, AH, AD, and AS. I'm sorry to hear it's your mother and brother, and father an alcoholic!!!
Thats a triple-wammy also.

A little about AD, she is 24 now, left home due to drugs when she was 18yrs old. Tried treatment with her a few times. She is now 24 and addicted to pills, and she gets very mean on them, facing domestic charges. She told me she is detoxing, but who knows, I haven't heard from her since she told me that about 2 weeks ago. My AH is too a pill addict, and crack binger. But it's the pills he's been on long term. I never saw him overly mean, but boy he could hurt me by all his silent actions(passive aggressive). He has been away from us 3 yrs now. AS moved out 1 1/2 yrs ago, I had to get an order of protect. He now lives with his sister in Utah. He was in jail 2 weeks ago for public intox, and tickets.

What did I do to handle each one? I kicked each one out one at a time, with much grief and heartache. I can't handle addicts and will not even try. If any were to successfully remain sober, I would be there with them all the way except AH.

By the time I arrived at SR I was insane from the many years of insanity chasing my teens trying to get them sober and keep them out of trouble. I met and married a man who previously was a substance abuse counselor and in recovery (thats what he called it, but in his mind pills were okay.) It was and is the pills that are destroying him and his mind.

It truly is like watching your family die. It's heartbreaking. I do understand your feelings too well.

I would recommend you continue here at SR, seek a good counselor, and seek an Alanon meeting in your area.
You will need a lot of guidance, support, and healing yourself from all the dysfunction and abuse that has taken place.

Please Read ALL the stickies above.

You don't deserve to be abused by anyone!

This will take time....it will take willingness on your part to get help for yourself... and it will be painful getting to the healing.

They may not get better but you can!

There is a better way of living!

There is HOPE for you!!

You are going to learn so much on this journey.

Blessings,
NH7

[cassandra2]

Welcome to the boards.

I understand your problem. I grew up with an alcoholic mother. She too was violent and abusive and made life, sometimes, unbearable. Even after I moved out she would call me at work or at home all hours of the night just to tell me she hated me or tell me some weird bizarre story that happened in an alcoholic black out. Then the next day she would act "normal" and pretend like nothing had happened.

I remember one time when I was 19 I was pregnant with my first child and still living with her. That day she had gone out and bought me a bassinet for my baby. It was so cute. I put it in my room and just sat there overwhelmed by the knowledge that soon a little baby would be in there. Well that night my mother got drunk and came to my room screaming and yelling at me about how I was ruining my life with my bast$%$ child and how terrible my life was gonna be. She then picked up the bassinet (THAT SHE BOUGHT) and smashed it to pieces.

It wasnt long after that that I moved out. I would say that for the next five years she continued in her downward spiral and would continue with the phone calls and messages usually telling me how I ruined her life (I am mixed, she is white my father is black and she had me when she was 19) and how much she hated me. It used to break my heart and I would sit for hours crying wondering how she could be this way to me. I knew she was a drunk. I knew that she was a terrible person when she drank but I didnt know about alcoholism or the disease of addiction.

Finally, it just became to painful for me to maintain a relationship with her. I began to slowly cut her off from my life. I limited my contact with her. I kept her at bay from my life. The pain and misery became to much. I still loved her afterall she was my mother but I just couldnt have a relationship with her.

Today I know about addiction and the how's and why's and even realized that when I made the decision to limit my contact with her is a form of detachment.

We dont have much of a relationship anymore. Her drinking still is the same only today she is an amputee because of her drinking and she moved to Texas to be close to family that still loves her. Sometimes she still tries to make me feel guilty that I am to blame for our relationship and the way it is but I dont accept it. I know for me it was killing me slowly to continue to have a relationship with her.

The emotional abuse by her was just to much. I know my truth and I also know that because of her alcoholism she cant see the truth. I feel bad for her but I try not to think about it.

Detaching was my form of keeping my sanity. I know it hurts but until I accepted that I was never gonna have the kind of relationship with my mother that I wanted I kept holding on and getting hurt in the process. Its hard because she is your mother, but really for your sake, sanity and everyday happiness I would strongly recommend that you detach in love. You dont need to explain why you are doing this. She wont understand. Just do it. Do it for yourself.

Good luck to you. Keep posting. Keep reading. Educate yourself about addiction.

[heartbeats]

Thank you, Cassandra and NeedingHelp, for reading and responding. I appreciate you taking the time. NeedingHelp--I am so sorry to hear that many in your family are addicts, especially your child. It must be heartbreaking; I admire your strength for doing what was best for you. I can only hope to be so strong. Cassandra--I can relate to your story of your mom losing control of her temper. My mom does it often, too, and I don't think she realizes how deeply her words hurt. She's still my mother and I inadvertently take her opinions to heart.

I have been doing a lot of reading on the boards and am awakening to the fact I need a whole attitude-makeover. I've been such a defeatist for so many years, but I really want to be happy now. I don't want to let my mom's negativity bring me any further down.

I am going to try distancing myself from her a little--fewer calls during the week, sporadic visits instead of her expecting me home every other weekend...it's going to be tough, but we'll see how it goes. Again, thanks. : ) It felt good to share.

[Impurrfect]

((Heartbeats))

Im an RA (recovering addict), but I also have a stepmom who is an addict, as well as a few family members who are A's - one who is in recovery, one who isn't doing meth any more but still likes his weed and beer

My stepmom isn't abusive, but she is very codie. Just tonight, while probably haven taken xanax, lortab, soma and who knows what else, she had to tell me over and over about something my dad did wrong. He was wrong, but she fails to see her part in what happened.

This is the type of situation I deal with...trying to get sucked into the family issues, as I live with them - thanks to screwing up my career/finances with my own addiction. After spending a LOT of time with the great folks here, I have learned a LOT about codependency, and I am often the only voice of reason or sanity in this house (we are also raising my 16-year-old niece who is experimenting with drinking).

I have had to learn to detach, while living in the same house. It's hard, and I spend a lot of time on the codependency thread for support. I've slowly learned to not take things personal, to realize she (and my dad) are sick and just because they say it, doesn't make it a fact. I've also learned that I can give their issues right back to them.

A dear friend here, once told me to imagine I was in a hula-hoop. Whatever fit in that space was mine - everything outside that was theirs. I spend a lot of time trying to stay inside my hula hoop

It's not easy, I take a few steps forward, then backwards, but I learn from those backward steps. I have learned SO MUCH from the great people here, my life has changed tremendously.

Stick around, read, post, ask questions. I've never had a situation arise, that someone here wasn't able to "walk" me through it.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[teke]

just want to chime in and welcome you. sorry you have to be here but so glad you are. the addict in my life is my husband of 23yrs and i HAD to detach and separate in order to regain some type of sanity. i know how hard it is and i'm so sorry. i'll keep you all in my prayers.

[heartbeats]

Thank you, Amy and Teke, for welcoming me and reassuring me that I've taken a step in the right direction by coming to these boards. I feel like I've learned a lot already, just browsing other people's posts. It's a blessing that there are these forums on addiction, considering it isn't really the type of topic you can bring up casually in conversation, in real life. Most people just don't get it : /

[Callie]

This post breaks my heart. I'm so sorry you're; going through this. Upon previous suggestions my first thoughts are alanon or naranon meetings. Also, detach, detach, detach from your mother AND father as best you can. From your posts I sense that you are a smart girl with a good head on your shoulders. Keep it that way, keep doing the right things. Drag your brother out of the mess as best as you can.

Again, I'm so sorry. Read, read, read here. Lots of useful info in dealing with addiction. Also, if you can get codependent no more by melodie beatty, it's a GREAT book.

[Kindeyes]

Hey ..... it's with mixed feelings that I welcome you to SR. I'm glad you found it but I'm sorry for the reasons behind it.

It must be terribly difficult to deal with an addicted mother. It breaks my heart to think of a mother abusing (verbally, physically or emotionally) her child. More than anything I'm sure you wish you could help her "see the light".....but it's not going to happen if she doesn't want it to. It's like talking to a brick wall. Learning how not to engage with an addict is a difficult lesson but one that reaps the reward of serenity. (And it's an ongoing lesson.....one that takes a lot of effort to master....I'm still working on it and I'm a heck of a lot older than you are!)

So what to do.....

Take care of YOU. Your mother is an adult. Theorhetically, she's suppose to be able to take care of herself. Keep yourself busy. Study hard. Set your goal on being independent of her. You are at a point in your life when you are FREE! Free to move on. Free to be an adult. Free to distance yourself from the toxic relationship with your mother. READ. Find books that explain addiction and co-dependency. Understand what is unexplainable. Learn acceptance (that's one I wish I had learned in my 20's).

We are all here to deal with our addicted loved ones (mine is my 20 something son). It's hard to keep that distance and protect ourselves from people we love....but it's necessary.

I hope you stick around. I've found so much support here. I've found coping skills. I've found humor in a humorless situation. I hope you find the same.

gentle hugs to you

[Suspicious]

As others have said... sorry for why you found SR but glad you did. Lots of support here.

My addict is my Hubby, who is also in complete denial about his usage so I can empathize with you there.

[2100km]

Sorry to hear about your mom. I am a recovering alcoholic/addict. Pills are where everything started for me. Pills are truly cunning baffling and powerful. The problem is that pill addicts don't see pills as being on the same level as heroine, cocaine etc. They think people who do those kinds of drugs are "real addicts" and they are just taking pills.

I have an alcoholic brother who is ten years older than me. But he hasn't had enough of the hell that alcoholism brings upon him to seek help yet. The only thing that ever made any headway with him was when I started talking to him about my own problem with alcohol.

Bill Wilson, the founder of AA tried very hard to spread the message of recovery in the his early days. But he had no success until he sat down with Dr. Bob Smith and talked about his own problem with alcohol.

Do you see what I'm getting at? You aren't going to get anywhere with your mom. The only person who may be able to get somewhere with her would be someone else who struggles with the same addiction. And even then, they can't go in there telling her that she is an addict and she has to change. If she heard someone else talk about their own problem with pills she may just start to relate.

So for now, I'd say listen to what others have said and separate entirely. In dealing with addicts you have to put yourself first. Until they decide they are sick and tired of being sick and tired not much can happen. Take care.

[breakingfree88]

Heartbeats,
I too am a college student in my early 20's. My parents both have struggled with mental illness and addiction (my dad) and my heart goes out to you. I also, like you, have an 18 y/o sibling (sister) that lives at home. I used to go home more frequently, but I would leave feeling so horrible that now I keep it to a minimum. It doesn't stop me from loving them, but it gets to a point that you realize that they're not thinking about anyone but themselves, so we have to do the same.
I'm really proud of you for sharing, and although I'm sorry this is going on in your life, I'm glad you've joined SR.
Its really difficult when its your parents. I can remember before I was ten my life was wonderful too. And then it all went to hell and it was violent, abusive, dark, emotionally enmeshed. No privacy, no independence. The only thing I know to tell you is to take care of yourself. I'm not sure if other posters have mentioned it yet, but Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More" is like a bible for those who love addicts. It is amazing how much you can relate to in the book and how much better you'll feel when you really, truly, realize that it has to be about you.
I'm sorry about your brother. Have you shared your concerns with him? You're right though, he's an adult and he'll make his own decisions.
Anyways, I guess I don't have much 'advice' for you, although with my dad I told him not to contact me when he's observably under the influence. He has stopped making those phonecalls with slurred speech and anger and cussing that break my heart.
Its something small that protects me.
You don't have to cut off all contact, just set boundaries for what you can (and cannot) stand.
Again, welcome and please keep sharing. Its nice to have you.
XOXOXO
-Holly

[heartbeats]

Wow, I'm amazed and thankful for the support you've all offered me. I hadn't checked the thread in a few days, and when I did just now, my heart lifted.

2100km--what you said about pill addicts thinking that they're on a level above those who abuse other substances fits my mother to a T. She thinks that because they're prescribed (well, some of them), they're there for her to use as she sees fit. She is very condescending toward my father about his drinking. I feel like it's wrong of me to be more affected by my mom's addiction than my father's, but he and I were never close, and he mostly keeps to himself when drinking. My mother has presented more obstacles to me than he ever did.

Callie and Holly--thank you for recommending Beattie's book to me. I'm hoping to get to the library this week, and definitely will grab it. Holly--our situations are very similar. Do you ever have feelings of guilt about leaving your sister at home? I so want my brother to move out to go to school, because I think it's toxic for him to be alone with my mother all the time. They've developed a very codependent relationship, and are taking pills together more and more frequently.

I haven't spoken to my mother in over a week, because she overheard my brother and me talking about her. I was expressing my concerns to him that my parents are going to lose the house (my father lost his job two months ago and is making no effort to find another, and as I mentioned, my mother hasn't worked in years). I am terrified that my family will be homeless, and we would have to give away our pets, which would break my heart. I am living off of school loans, myself, so I have no financial support to offer.

Well, my mother texted me later saying I'm so selfish and would never help them out. She said she's throwing away any belongings I have at home and dumping my car in a parking lot (because I moved to the city, I left my car at home for my brother to use). She asked me to send my house key back. I did not respond to her texts, and haven't tried calling. I don't know how long this will go on for, but I don't want to fight over Christmas. I have decided not to comment on her addiction while I'm at home, to be respectful of her as best I can, and to try to enjoy my time with my brother while I'm there. I don't know if it'll work out like that, of course. : /

One thing I've already learned from reading here is that nothing I say is going to make her change. I've always felt like it's my responsibility to let her know her addiction is out of control and wrong, because no one else will ever do it. Anytime I've ever said anything, it ends very badly. I'm going to stop commenting about it, because it's not going to work. She has to realize she is out of control for herself.

[Suspicious]

heartbeats said:
One thing I've already learned from reading here is that nothing I say is going to make her change. I've always felt like it's my responsibility to let her know her addiction is out of control and wrong, because no one else will ever do it. Anytime I've ever said anything, it ends very badly. I'm going to stop commenting about it, because it's not going to work. She has to realize she is out of control for herself.

I have spent about a year now thinking that eventually I will say just the right thing that will make the light go on over AH's head and he will 'realize' what he is doing. Part of me doesnt think he realizes that his pill abuse is a problem... part of me thinks he must know otherwise he wouldnt feel the need to hide it or lie about it.

[heartbeats]

Suspicious, I know *exactly* how you feel. I think my mom knows what she's doing is wrong, because she hides it from me, as you said your AH does. But I also think she truly believes that whatever pain she's experiencing (physical or emotional) justifies her getting messed up. She sees that her life has become bleak, and instead of doing anything to try to save herself, she drowns her sorrows with more pills.

[Carol Star]

Alcohol,pills,pot,whatever ,heroin,all changing seats on the Titanic..We have to live in the solution or we will end up crazier than them. I am glad we are all here for each other.

[bluebelle]

I'm so sorry to hear these stories about your mom. They sound very similar to many stories that I have. My mom is also a pill addict (so is my ABF). My mom has been addicted to drugs since before I was born. She has also been physically and mentally abusive.

She has said terrible things to me. I have had to cut off almost all contact. I talk to her a few times a year, and that is it. For the first year, I kept almost no contact.

Only you can decide how much contact to have with your mom. My suggestion would be to think about setting boundaries. What kind of behavior will you tolerate? With my mom, I won't see her in person, because she will try to attack me. On the phone, I talk to her for short periods of time only. If she is obviously high, I cut the conversation short. I am not afraid to hang up on her if she becomes abusive.

It took me many years to get to this point. For a long time, I listened to my mom's abusive because I didn't know anything else. I guess I kept waiting for her to apologize. I felt sorry for her and felt like I needed to take care of her. I have slowly learned that there is nothing that I can do for her. If she wants to destroy herself, she will do it--with or without my help.

I hope that you find some peace in this situation.

[breakingfree88]

heartbeats-
you're right, a lot of times I do feel guilt for leaving her at home, I get scared that she is still surrounded by all that chaos and pain and uncertainty and while some days its good others it is really bad and I hate that she's there. (In 'psychology speak' this phenomenon is called 'survivor guilt').I live about an hour and a half from them and I have tried repeatedly to get my sister to move down here with me.
I too, only live off of student loans but I figured if she wanted to go to school here then she could get loans too and we could be safe together.
I guess I just want to protect her.

But she has her life up there, and she didn't want to come here, even with everything going on. It hurt me but then I realized I've got to let it go and not take it personal. If someone asked me to leave my life to come somewhere 'safer', I can't say I would do it.
I also know exactly how you feel about your animals back home! When my mom left home for six months earlier this year with no announcement and refused to speak to my dad (got her a boyfriend MY AGE), I was terrified that my dad would throw his hands up and get rid of my animals.

I love my fur babies so much and sometimes they are the only thing that keeps me going. They are so innocent and loving.
He promised that the animals would be taken care of, and he has stuck by that promise. When I get my refund checks sometimes I will set aside a couple hundred dollars specifically for the animals (horse farrier, cat vet, etc.) To me its more valuable then something else I could buy.

Right now I've only got $14 in my checking acct. and its Xmas time. So much needs to be done and I don't have my family to help me with it financially.
But I'm trusting the Great Spirit for things to come through.
I am so amazed at how similar our stories are. It made my heart race when I was reading your story.

I'm sorry that everything @ home is so crazy...but I'll tell you one thing girl.
We're @ school and steadily working to make our lives better for ourselves and our future families.
It doesn't make the past hurt any less, but maybe knowing we have more stable ground to walk on in the future can encourage us.
There is a girl that I go to school w/ in my dept. who is going through what we are as well. Her mom is back in Philly and she's dealing with the holiday 'what ifs' too.
Just know that even though we feel like we can't talk about this stuff w/ everyone, that there are people who care (including us on SR) and we are not our parents.
We aren't their mistakes and we aren't their failures.
We are our own women and AMEN for that.
I am sending you my positive and loving thoughts.
I know exams are here so keep strong and take care of yourself. Stay in touch,
Holly

[heartbeats]

Thanks so much for sharing, Holly. Feel free to PM me if you ever feel like it. It's finals week this upcoming week at my college, too, so I've been trying to just focus on that. After several days of crying and headaches, I told myself I can't carry around my mom's baggage. I've been feeling a little better today; keeping my mind off of it, but I'll have to go home soon for Christmas. One day at a time, I guess.

Take care

[coffeedrinker]

Originally Posted by heartbeats

It's a blessing that there are these forums on addiction, considering it isn't really the type of topic you can bring up casually in conversation, in real life. Most people just don't get it : /

That last line is probably why I'm here in a nutshell. I was married to an alcoholic for almost 20 years, and currently love a recovering drug addict. Yep, I am drawn to them like a moth to flame.

But when he relapsed, I felt so alone, so very very alone. I know that everyone here "gets it". It is similar to the feeling that can overwhelm me when I go to an Al-anon or Nar-anon meeting. Anywhere, any time, any place, strangers that are friends "get it" with you saying 10 words, 1000 words, or none at all. Think about attending meetings - you will likely experience a transformation like no other.

Keep coming back here, heartbeats. We care about you

[heartbeats]

Thank you, Coffeedrinker. It's very nice of you to say. I looked up meetings in my area, but am hesitant to go because I was unsure if I would be welcome, as a family member of an addict, and not an addict myself. Is there a general rule when it comes to this? Are all welcome, or does it vary? I'd never want to step on any toes. Also, can someone tell me what a "closed" meeting means? Does that mean no new members are accepted?

[coffeedrinker]

what you will want to check out is an al-anon, or a nar-anon meeting - they are for the "non" alcoholic or the non-addict who loves an addict/alcoholic. i do not believe they have "open" or "closed" meetings (AA does that for more privacy)

you will most likely feel very welcome when you go. sit and listen only, sit and talk, sit and cry - all is ok. there is structure and some ground rules, but it's not difficult to navigate.

please check out a meeting or two or three. and remember your cyber friends here

[Impurrfect]

(((Heartbeats)))

My stepmom likes her pills, too. Although she's gotten better, she will still take too many at night "to sleep". In the past, my 16-year-old niece, who we are raising (her mom died in a car wreck) and I have found her passed out in the bathroom, on the floor or on the couch. She will have the slurred speech and SWEAR to me that she hasn't taken anything.

Duh, I'm a recovering addict...I did opiates before I discovered crack. Not only that, I was an RN for 12 years. I keep telling her to stop insulting my intelligence as I'm not buying it. The last time she passed out, I helped her up. When she came too, I told her that the next time, I would make sure she was breathing, nothing was broken, and I was going to leave her there. My niece has also told her she is sick of her taking the pills.

She's not abusive, thank God, but she is in denial. Yes, she has legit pain problems, but her main problem is wanting to escape from reality.

I live with my family...my own financial consequences of MY addiction. Her biggest fear is me telling my dad, as he pays for her meds, so she HAS gotten better. She's also tired of me and my niece "catching" her.

Your mom is in a very strong denial and I think you're right...nothing you say will get through. If I were in your shoes, I would just have to say "I don't have to deal with this" when things get bad and leave. My dad has anger issues and I've had to do this with him.

"Codependent No More" IS an awesome book...you will find yourself in almost every page, more than likely. Most of us did. It's amazingly comforting to realize that there is something we CAN do about all this. It isn't easy, but it's essential to our well-being.

We don't have to put up with abuse, just because they are family. Unfortunately, there are some here that have had to cut all contact with their families. Most find a workable detachment.

I came here as a severe codie. Thanks to all the great people here, I'm now the voice of reason in my family, and they are learning things by the way I handle situations. Hard to believe a a recovering codie/crackhead can be the voice of reason I owe it all to everyone here.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy