PLEASE HELP!!! BF ALCOHOL/COKE - Need Advice PLease !!!!!!

[iamhereforyou]

We've been dating 8 months ago, every month we have an issue, he gets depressed (he said that his life is miserable and that he is nothing) and very irritable frequently (mood swings, once a month or twice), he drinks a lot, but then suddenly he always came with a excuse of why he was like that and that he's miserable and i always tell him that i love him and that everyone has its ups and downs, and there where days that i didnt know NOTHING about him and randomly he call me or txt with some excuse and we are fine

When he drinks he's always complaining with chest pain, nosebleed, shortness of breath (specially when we talk during the night) and hemoptysis (he coughs saliva and blood) he coughs a lot! and irregular heartbeats he says that his heart beats are lower than normal and the doctor gave him medication for that (so his heart run faster)

I did research about it but it doesn't match with alcohol (correct me please if im wrong!! ill really appreciate it)

But.. last week i told him that i smoking cigarette frequently, im in college and im very stressed lately, but he suddenly stopped talking and told me that he told his friends that he would stop drinking and smoking pot if i become his GF (we've been together officially for 2 weeks) He said that sacrifice that he's doing is for nothing, and that he doesn't know if he became my boyfriend because he really loves me or to get rid of alcohol.

The next day he told me that he will start a new life, and that maybe i'll see... He called me at night and told me that he started doing coke, and he needed more and more, i told him to stop that and he said: DId i ever asked you to stop cigarettes? I freezed, and i told him that THAT was dangerous, the next day when we talked at night he was desperate that he needed another line
that he's getting addict. I stat crying and i told him "Baby im with you please, please stop it", and he start sobbing "you dont like what he was doing, and i told him "babe, i dont like it but i do love you," he start sobing that he needed another line, and that he will hang up, and he did...

He didnt called me or txt me during thanksgiving, till the night, i told him that i called he said "i know" and that i txt him like crazy he said "i know", i asked him how he were and he told me he used it at his friends home after work..i asked him why he didnt answered and didnt answered...our call dropped i called back a couple of time and he didnt pick it up, and he txt ..for this you wanted me to call you?? good , and i told him, the call dropped please pick up the phone, and he answered , sure it dropped..


He is not answering my txt or calls, just like when we were friends and dissapeared...I think that he didnt started cocaine two days ago like he says, i think that he does it since a lot of time and thats because his chest and coughs and bleeding and he just told me in that way..i think is not the alcohol

He doesn't have financial problems because he owns a business, last week he didnt picked me up for our date he called me that he has nosebleed (because of the alcohol)


Please I need help. I just couldn't stop crying while writing this, i love him so so so much



- Are that symptoms of coke abuse (years of abuse)??


Please help, if you had experience something similar and how you went thru this please share

THANK YOU

[liesagain]

You may want to post this in the friends and family area...........

[Dee74]

Hi Iamhereforyou

I'm not familiar with coke, so I'll let others deal with that.

I do think you have a problem though - and what I say now will be painful to hear, but it comes from concern for you, and from many years experience.

Whatever the cause, your BF is doing himself serious damage - and paying you little regard or respect.

There also seems to be a lot of power playing here - I'll stop smoking and drinking if you be with me, you smoke cigs so I can do coke - it all sounds very very unhealthy to me....and it's not likely to get better in any respect.

The bottom line is you can't make anyone stop, cut back, or do anything if they don't want to.

Many of us have tried, and had others try on us.

Visit our Family and Friends forums for the perspectives of people who've been there.

You've been together officially 2 weeks?
Pls give this matter some serious thought before you dig yourself in deeper.

D

[iamhereforyou]

Thank you for your replies

- Lies again , you are right, maybe a moderator can change this post to that area, or i can put the same post there, thanks

- Dee, yes officially two weeks and we are like this, i was at his home last sunday, and we were alright!!!

I forgot to write our ages, I'm 19 and he's 25

sometimes he says all the time "oh im awesome" "its because im awesome"

[iamhereforyou]

Originally Posted by Dee74

Hi Iamhereforyou

I'm not familiar with coke, so I'll let others deal with that.

I do think you have a problem though - and what I say now will be painful to hear, but it comes from concern for you, and from many years experience.

Whatever the cause, your BF is doing himself serious damage - and paying you little regard or respect.

There also seems to be a lot of power playing here - I'll stop smoking and drinking if you be with me, you smoke cigs so I can do coke - it all sounds very very unhealthy to me....and it's not likely to get better in any respect.

The bottom line is you can't make anyone stop, cut back, or do anything if they don't want to.

Many of us have tried, and had others try on us.

Visit our Family and Friends forums for the perspectives of people who've been there.

You've been together officially 2 weeks?
Pls give this matter some serious thought before you dig yourself in deeper.

D

Thank you, i already moved the post, but delete the other one the same!!, im new in this!! I found the site, looking for information, and i feel im in the right place, god bless you all !!

[basIam]

Im no doctor, but coughing blood is a symptom of TB. where do you live? is TB an issue in your region? I would suggest you go to your school health department and get a TB screen immediately (they are free at schools in the US)

If he's doing coke, I suggest you cut ties with him YESTERDAY. I don't know anyone who got their bank account emptied by a nicotene addict, but I know many who have by coke heads.

I know its going to hurt breaking things off with him, but you are doing him no favors. The sooner you cut him off, the sooner he hits bottom and the better chance you have of him living. Just my opinion.

[change4penny]

IHFY...Hi, I'm a recovering opiate/cocaine addict, 14 months clean.
In my opinion, he didn't 'just' start doing coke, I highly doubt that he is addicted this quick.
He's probably been doin it for awhile.
And as far as the irregular heartbeat and it being fast...coke speeds up your heartbeat.
You need to cut it off before you get more invested. Don't spend years trying to figure out a coke fiend.

Penny

[Carol Star]

It wouldn't hurt for you to find a coda(codependents) meeting or a naranon meeting.

[iamhereforyou]

Originally Posted by basIam

Im no doctor, but coughing blood is a symptom of TB. where do you live? is TB an issue in your region? I would suggest you go to your school health department and get a TB screen immediately (they are free at schools in the US)


If he's doing coke, I suggest you cut ties with him YESTERDAY. I don't know anyone who got their bank account emptied by a nicotene addict, but I know many who have by coke heads.

I know its going to hurt breaking things off with him, but you are doing him no favors. The sooner you cut him off, the sooner he hits bottom and the better chance you have of him living. Just my opinion.

Is not TB, i know im doing him no favors, but no one will be there for him, i love him, and im so scared that i could be dragged down because of all this,

two weeks feeling extremely happy with him..is like being in the highest top of the mountain feeling acomplished and suddenly someone kick your butt and you end up down when you started!!..climbing up the mountain to be in the dirt like this????

Originally Posted by change4penny

IHFY...Hi, I'm a recovering opiate/cocaine addict, 14 months clean.
In my opinion, he didn't 'just' start doing coke, I highly doubt that he is addicted this quick.
He's probably been doin it for awhile.
And as far as the irregular heartbeat and it being fast...coke speeds up your heartbeat.
You need to cut it off before you get more invested. Don't spend years trying to figure out a coke fiend.

Penny

I highly doubt that he got addicted this quick!! Is just impossible!!! I think he just decided to tell me in THAT way, and maybe trying to make me feel bad because my usage of nicotine! I'm not addicted to nicotine!! he just doesn't like it and says "you know thats a turn off for me" But I've never smoked in the front of him!!

Originally Posted by Carol Star

It wouldn't hurt for you to find a coda(codependents) meeting or a naranon meeting.

I should do something, i've been very sad, im having a lot of anxiety and im eating a lot ...I dont know anything about him or where he is, he lives like more than an hour where i live, and i dont want to go to his store, i dont know how he or his employees are going to react

[OtherHalf7]

Please don't blame yourself...I saw my ex drink, I saw him take pills, he was a former cocaine addict, and when he overdosed, he did all three. As soon as he entered treatment, he told me "he couldn't handle" being apart from me...we are 400 miles apart and would drive back and forth a couple times a month.

The guilt was working on me..."I can be sober with you, I can't alone."

Up until recently, I blamed myself, too. I'm not a drinker, I don't do drugs, but I do smoke cigarettes and drink too much Diet Coke. He held so much over my head...and I've learned, no matter how much I love him, how much I tried to help, I could not love him into being sober, into treating me well, etc. I am not responsible for his physical, spiritual, and emotional well-being.

I ache everyday, wondering if he is ok (he relapsed into drinking in September). But, once again, his choice, not mine.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, and I agree with the other members: coke is probably not a "new" thing to him.

[cynical one]

The chest pains, shortness of breath, hacking cough, and coughing up blood are all classic signs of crack lung. And, the behavior is very typical of a crack addict. I think you walked in on the middle of a nightmare in progress, sounds like he's been at this for quite some time. What do his long-time close friends and family say?

[iamhereforyou]

Originally Posted by OtherHalf7

Please don't blame yourself...I saw my ex drink, I saw him take pills, he was a former cocaine addict, and when he overdosed, he did all three. As soon as he entered treatment, he told me "he couldn't handle" being apart from me...we are 400 miles apart and would drive back and forth a couple times a month.

The guilt was working on me..."I can be sober with you, I can't alone."

Up until recently, I blamed myself, too. I'm not a drinker, I don't do drugs, but I do smoke cigarettes and drink too much Diet Coke. He held so much over my head...and I've learned, no matter how much I love him, how much I tried to help, I could not love him into being sober, into treating me well, etc. I am not responsible for his physical, spiritual, and emotional well-being.

I ache everyday, wondering if he is ok (he relapsed into drinking in September). But, once again, his choice, not mine.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, and I agree with the other members: coke is probably not a "new" thing to him.

Thank you

What I know , is that i didnt pushed him into this, it was all by himself
other thing that he told me was

" You smoke to feel good, i do this to feel good too" "When you use it, do you think about all the bad things that it does?? No" --- His Own Words

Originally Posted by cynical one

The chest pains, shortness of breath, hacking cough, and coughing up blood are all classic signs of crack lung. And, the behavior is very typical of a crack addict. I think you walked in on the middle of a nightmare in progress, sounds like he's been at this for quite some time. What do his long-time close friends and family say?

Well, I dont talk with his childhood friends, they are wayy older than me, and the only way that i talk to them, is when I hang out with my boyfriend and we saw them..but nothing else, we dont live in the same town

I study, he works everyday

[iamhereforyou]

Right now im anxious, i don't know where is he, or what is he doing... I feel my chest really tight and i just cant stop thinking about him..

probably he thinks that i dont care, i wish i could tell he how wrong he is

He knows that i love him, I know that he does..

But she is very powerful, and i told him i dont want to lose him

I really dont want to, another girl would have dropped him off since the beginning
he always was like "im an piece of ****, you are too good for me"

And honestly SR friends.. I know I am, but i dont want to see him like this

[liesagain]

I dont want to sound harsh but as the wife of an addict ...........and mother with a daughter only a year older than you I want sooooo much to say run, get out now~~ life doesnt get easier it gets much worse.

You dont have to see him like this...........you still have your whole life in front of you, and I know you love him but love isnt enough.....if it were none of us would be here


I know thats not what you want to hear, because its not what I wanted to hear either, it still isnt.

My husband is addicted to crack............you'd never know it .......he doesnt "look" like a crack addict and he is a great guy 99% of the time...........

today hes in treatment again.............he has struggled with his addiction for more than 20 years......and hes had up to 10 years clean.............but life is never certain and one bad decision like my husband made again 3 years ago............and it starts all over again

[woog]

This is my first time posting suggestions or help...I broke up with my GF of two years, about a month ago. She is an Oxycontin/Methadone addict. I just spent a couple grand and 4 months of my life "helping her." The whole time I spent educating myself on what it is she's going through, why she does what she does and why she says what she says. I wish to God, I'd spent those 4 months educating myself on my role, what I'm doing and why and how they take that.
The bottom line is, I think it will only get worse before it gets better. I knew I was playing against the odds but, I told myself there's an exception to every rule. I was very wrong. I'm not saying break up with him. I am saying educate the hell out of yourself on what it is you might be in for. My only regret is that I didn't end it sooner, I then could have had much happier memories than I do now. I really hope you do what makes you happy. Good luck.

[teke]

i'm so sorry you are in this situation but you have come to a good place for support and esp. i agree with liesagain. you are so young and have your whole life ahead of you. is this the life you really want? nothing you do or say will make him want to stop using or treat you any better. unless he seeks help for himself, his addiction will get progressively worse and so will his behavior.

i spent 21yrs trying to cope with my husband's addiction before i HAD to separate myself from him because his addiction was slowly driving me insane. every friend, relative, and counselor we both knew, suggested i RUN away from him and his addiction as fast as possible but i chose to ignore all the warning signs, that was one of the biggest mistakes i've ever made. just my exp. living with addiction is a lonely miserable life to live, is this what you really want for yourself? JUST SOMETHING FOR YOU TO THINK ABOUT.

keep reading and posting, maybe find alanon/naranon support groups for yourself and attend as many as possible, you may end up changing your mind about committing to an addictive and toxic relationship. sending you best wishes

[iamhereforyou]

Originally Posted by liesagain

I dont want to sound harsh but as the wife of an addict ...........and mother with a daughter only a year older than you I want sooooo much to say run, get out now~~ life doesnt get easier it gets much worse.

You dont have to see him like this...........you still have your whole life in front of you, and I know you love him but love isnt enough.....if it were none of us would be here


I know thats not what you want to hear, because its not what I wanted to hear either, it still isnt.

My husband is addicted to crack............you'd never know it .......he doesnt "look" like a crack addict and he is a great guy 99% of the time...........

today hes in treatment again.............he has struggled with his addiction for more than 20 years......and hes had up to 10 years clean.............but life is never certain and one bad decision like my husband made again 3 years ago............and it starts all over again

Wow, you are a very strong woman and thank you

Originally Posted by woog

This is my first time posting suggestions or help...I broke up with my GF of two years, about a month ago. She is an Oxycontin/Methadone addict. I just spent a couple grand and 4 months of my life "helping her." The whole time I spent educating myself on what it is she's going through, why she does what she does and why she says what she says. I wish to God, I'd spent those 4 months educating myself on my role, what I'm doing and why and how they take that.
The bottom line is, I think it will only get worse before it gets better. I knew I was playing against the odds but, I told myself there's an exception to every rule. I was very wrong. I'm not saying break up with him. I am saying educate the hell out of yourself on what it is you might be in for. My only regret is that I didn't end it sooner, I then could have had much happier memories than I do now. I really hope you do what makes you happy. Good luck.

Thats how I found this forum educating myself, about symptoms, on youtube how coke was made (i saw 3 videos),in medicine websites how does it feels, how he's feeling,

this is new for me, i thought it was the alcohol,

i've never had a close relative on coke/drugs..this is my first, and i feel like a baby learning steps

[ZombieWife]

Honestly?

Nosebleeds could be caused by many things, but if we're talking drugs, it could be anything that he cuts up and snorts up his nose: coke, meth, heroin, etc.

The hacking lung thing (again, IF it is a drug) could be anything he's smoking: crack, meth, heroin, etc.

The rapid heart rate stuff would be more of a stimulant deal, (crack/meth).

But, in the end, does it really matter what it is? Even if he's not abusing anything, are you willing to be treated this way?

[iamhereforyou]

He's dad is alcoholic, he is too

[cynical one]

I know this is going to come out cold, and it’s not my intent at all. I wish you could hear the tone of my voice and see the look on my face.

If he’s out on a binge, he’s not thinking that you don’t care, he’s not thinking that you do care…he’s not thinking about you…you are about the last thing on his mind. The only thing he’s thinking about is where the next hit, next line, next bottle is coming from. This is the way it is, he’s not any different than any of the addicts that everyone else here has loved and watched as they slowly self-destruct.

And, you’re no different than any of us, just because you haven’t dumped him yet, doesn’t mean you love any more, or are any stronger than any other girl in his past or future has or will. We’ve all been there…thinking that somehow we hold the key. That if we go the distance, be a good influence, tell them over and over again that they are better than this, that we believe in them, that we will stand by and help them. We’ve all tried to love them clean…it just doesn’t work that way.

And, we’ve also been there with the going out of our minds with fear…fear that they will get in trouble…fear that they will get hurt…fear that they will…yep die. For what it’s worth, most of the addicts I know are extremely bright, they also have a knack for survival skills, and are more than capable of saving themselves. Sometimes death does come to collect, and that is a very real consequence. But, we can’t live our lives in fear…we have to live our lives to the fullest and we can with the help of others who have gone before us, counseling, and in the rooms of AlAnon/NarAnon/CODA. If you need help finding a meeting for you, let us know.

Only you can decide if you’re staying or leaving the relationship, either way you make the decision based on what is best for you.

[iamhereforyou]

I want to be there for him, im not planning to leave him

[Ann]

Originally Posted by iamhereforyou

I want to be there for him, im not planning to leave him

Then buckle yourself in girl, you're in for the ride of your life.

Lots of good suggestions here for you, maybe give them a little thought.

Hugs

[OtherHalf7]

Iamhere...one thing I said to my ex, in response to his remark..."well, YOU smoke!" was...
"Yep, but when I smoke, it isn't dangerous to others; remember when you trashed the car drunk after the concert last week and don't remember what or WHO you hit?"

All vices are, well, vices, but, how likely are we to get a DUI, kill someone, go to jail, or overdose on a cigarette or cup of coffee?

Don't let him TURN IT AROUND ON YOU

Oh, and I love my ex til my heart breaks, but, he loved his addictions more...just points to ponder and stay strong!

[cynical one]

Originally Posted by iamhereforyou

I want to be there for him, im not planning to leave him

But, he's not there for you and as long as he's using he never will be emotionally there, and many times not physically either. Until you are well into a strong recovery program for yourself, be prepared to lose friends and family, and your school work will suffer along with your finances and self-esteem. Again, it's just the way it is.

[cessy68]

Originally Posted by cynical one

[And, you’re no different than any of us, just because you haven’t dumped him yet, doesn’t mean you love any more, or are any stronger than any other girl in his past or future has or will. We’ve all been there…thinking that somehow we hold the key. That if we go the distance, be a good influence, tell them over and over again that they are better than this, that we believe in them, that we will stand by and help them. We’ve all tried to love them clean…it just doesn’t work that way. . [/FONT]

Please listen to this..........

I still need to hear posts like this, and I have been here on SR a year, with my abf for almost 5 years, his addiction started 2 yrs ago...

Really, really think long and hard about what cynical said here........ get out before your heart gets really invested. I mean, i LIVE with my abf, he is like a step-father to my children, we have YEARS together before having 'addiction' on our hands.....and YET, STILL, I know her words are the truth.

Think long and hard. Dosen't matter if it's coke, crack, pills, alcohol.... any of these addictions destroy families, and you have choices to make.... because IT WILL take you down a road, that I don't wish on my worst enemy.

Love,
Cess