Been lurking - wasn't ready to share

[MrsMagoo]

Hi, I've been around but not posting much. I've been afraid to commit anything to writing because I've been all over the boards with emotions and feelings I'm not familiar with.

AH has been out for almost 5 months now. He's been homeless and while at first we had court all the time because of the restraining order, custody issues, etc. things have slowed down on the legal front and I hate to admit it, but I miss him terribly. As bad as he's looked, as shameful as his behavior has been in court, as ugly as he's been to me, blaming me for taking his family away, threatening to kill me, stealing and lieing, I still feel compassion for this man.

I'm ashamed and confused about how I can feel anything for him except contempt.

I haven't seen him since September 9th. It was horrific. He slept all day through court. The bailiff had to ask him to leave at one point. If he was outside smoking, he was falling asleep and like I said, in the courtroom, he was pathetic. Couldn't put a full sentence together if he tried.

I understand from my lawyer and his sisters who he has finally made some contact with, that he is getting ready to go to treatment. Hopefully a long term treatment but I doubt it. The court required him to go into inpatient treatment, pass random drug screens and secure a place to live that would be approved by the court before he can even petition the court for supervised visitation with our daughter. It looks like he's finally DOING something other than living on the street or in a shelter which is good right?

I have been a mess all week. I miss him. I hate missing him or wanting him. He wants to kill me for God's sake and I sit here fantasizing about stepping into his embrace and being loved by him, like he used to love me so I'm convinced I'm loosing my mind. My family and friends are convinced I'm loosing my mind too.

I've started seeing a Christian counselor who happens to be a substance abuse counselor as well. I thought that would be helpful and I specifically wanted someone with a background in addiction. It's helping but an hour a week barely gets her up to speed with everything that's happened so she can get the full picture.

I have started my fourth step. I think something about my character is buried in my past that explains my recent behavior - my need to show compassion instead of contempt for someone who has no regard for his family, himself, the truth or his future.

I know when I told him to leave and stuck by my word this time that I saved his life but do I honestly want him to get clean and get on with his life, even if that means he goes on without us? I guess that's the dilemma.

Feedback? I honestly don't know that I could ever completely forgive him. What are the odds guys? Can it be done? I know I shouldn't even be thinking about that. I should be taking care of myself and the kids but I can't help but secretly wonder if we still have a chance at "happily ever after" after the nightmare.

[Ann]

Mrs. Magoo, it sounds like part of the grieving process to me, where the anger has turned to compassion and where you grieve the man he used to be but is no more.

I'm glad you came here, we're all walking with you and it's good to share what's going on with you. And it's okay to feel what you are feeling. As we go through the healing process we are faced with all sorts of feelings, some good and some not so good, but each one part of the process.

You will be okay, life will get better...I promise.

Hugs

[teke]

hey, glad you posted, i have been thinking about you. i think its natural for you to miss him, after all, he is apart of your family. sorry it has to be this way but it sounds like he may be reaching his enough point.addictive behavior can be really crazy but in working the program, hopefully he'll be able to work through his issues. jmho

yes, i believe there is always hope. you did what you had to do for you and it sounds like for him too, even if he don't see it that way. i think if he chooses to get serious about recovery and began the work on himself as you continue to work on you, in time it could be very possible for things to work out. i'm praying for you and your family.

[coffeedrinker]

magoo,

the last thing i would want to do is give you false hope, but i know that addicts CAN turn their life around - but statistically the odds don't look good.

when i read your post, it reminded me of myself. when my addict left town late last spring, and i knew something wasn't right, well, things escalated and we would alternate between sane-sounding and crazy-sounding conversations. one nightmare evening when i went to the town he was at to pick him up (why you might ask....i had already decided to break with him) he did nothing but scream at me for the first hour of the drive. i was at such a complete loss, because this was NOT the man i knew and loved -- not even close. at one point he grabbed my hair and at one point he yelled "i HATE you!" which was completely out of character (there had never been any violence between us).

point being, even though those two things hurt me possibly more than anything he's ever done, i asked myself the same thing. how can i still love this man? am i so needy that i want his love so badly that i let him do this to me? i think the answer has two parts (for me). yes, i am so needy. but the other is that he is such a beautiful, smart, engaging person when he is clean, and we have years and years of a shared life together. that foundation is very strong.
they say and do things that are so different from their real self when they are strung out.

i know i haven't helped you, but i wanted to share and tell you that there's at least a few people out there who have gone through what you are experiencing.

[MrsMagoo]

I was talking with Judy (Serenityqueen) and with the holidays coming up, things are going to be extremely difficult - not financially, but emotionally. This is strange to me because for the past years, the holidays have been horrible!!! I know that WE are going to be okay. We won't be walking on eggshells this year and we won't be waiting for the big-blow up or the big embarrassment.

I worry about him, about what it will be like for him to be homeless or even in a treatment center for Thanksgiving or especially for Christmas. Our wedding anniversary is January 1st. Last year he was out of town, living in a hotel room, high and paranoid and threatening me with calling social services, etc. if I didn't tell him exactly where his daughter was (which I told him we were at my brother's house with my whole family doing "Christmas" just like every year) but it didn't matter him, he didn't believe me. His high mind wouldn't let him hear me. He was smoking crack and paranoid and mean. I didn't want to spend any time with him.

Thankfully, the restraining order I have keeps me from blowing everything to bits and running out to find him and rescue him. My attorney knows me well enough to know that he had to push the restraining order to keep me away from him because lets face it, I'm as addicted to him as he is addicted to drugs and alcohol!

Nobody understands. I don't understand. I've been so "strong". What I've really been doing is operating out of fear and securing our borders and our home so that we can't be robbed, stalked or hurt and now that the immediate danger has passed, I'm processing the potential finality of letting him go and letting God have him.

I hope with therapy, Celebrate Recovery and many accountability partners, I can move forward and get to the be healthy person I thought I was pre-AH so that IF he can make it back one day, or if someone healthy strolls into my life, I can have a safe relationship. I'm not considering divorce right now. In NC you have to be separated for a full 12 mo. before you can even file for divorce so its not something I can be impulsive on.

[MrsMagoo]

It's good to be back! Coffeedrinker - you did help me. That's why I got back on and started a thread.....I need to hear that I"m not out of my mind and that there are others that have lived through this. The hard part wasn't asking him to leave...I have lots of practice at that. The hard part is meaning it and sticking to it!

I do know that this time, he will have to have significant clean time, a job and be able to support himself before I would consider allowing him back into my life. Ideally, I would like to "date" too and get to know him. He's not the same person. Too much has happened. I'm not the same person for sure. I consider myself too damaged for anybody but him as I sit here today.

I'm glad ya'll are here on a Saturday night to talk to me and encourage me to stay on course. I do know the odds are stacked against ever making this work (between the two of us). Without alot more recovery on my part too, I know that I can never take him back and always be lying in wait for the other shoe to drop.

[NeedingHelp7]

Oh MrsMagoo,

I'd have to say I had all the same feelings for AH after he left 3 yrs ago, and honestly those feelings lasted and went back and forth for a long time. I dreamed of us being back together after his first year gone. He went through an outpatient treatment. And after 1 1/2yrs I knew we wouldn't be back together, nothing had changed with him, and I greived. I am still recovering from grief, going through therapy. Thankfully the point you are at passes, but it will take time, God, support and therapy. Thankfully you are seeing a therapist.

I know how difficult it is to see your AH this way. So sad. Please don't make any hasty decisions with him when the compassion pity feelings come, just let the feelings come, pray and let them pass. There will be many mixed feelings come and go. But soon you will feel sane and stable again. Your heart has been broken and it will be healed.

[MrsMagoo]

Needinghelp.....3 years and your still grieving? Oh my that doesn't sound promising!

My husband is 47. He's been a lifetime addict/alcoholic. He had some decent clean time and became a substance abuse counselor before I met and married him. After this last rehab back in Feb/March...he told me that would be the last time, his body was giving out and he was too old -every detox was harder and harder physically and with his health issues, he just couldn't keep on doing this. I can't tell you how hopeful I was but after being on SR for a year by then, maybe more, I knew that a 21 day rehab was not going to be sufficient.

We talked about a long term program but ultimately agreed that kind of time apart was going to be too difficult and with a small child, too hard to explain. The compromise was IOP for a couple of months. He did the that and he did the 90 in 90 and picked up his chips. I carry them with me.

When I kicked him out, he hadn't relapsed on street drugs. His doctors had him on so many prescriptions, he could barely function and he was mean and irritable.

The first thing he did though was get drunk and get crack. To say I'm disappointed is an understatement. I hope that as an addict and that also as a former substance abuse counselor himself, that he, at the very least, understands why I've done this. I would hope that one day he thanks me but I know that's just another fantasy in this crazy, mixed up mind of mine.

Why is it so easy for us to consider taking them back when they've turned our worlds upside down and multiple times? We remember but it's like just remembering all the hell isn't enough because we can remember a handful of good times...really good times - when they were the people we fell in love with. They are good people - somewhere under all the junk.

[Callie]

Janet! Thanks for posting! Addiction can make us all crazy. It sounds like the frenzy of getting him out/restraining order etc/ has died down and now you're left in the 'calm after the storm' sorting through feelings/actions etc. KNOW you're not alone and know you're doing the right thing as painful as it may be. I'll pm you.

[NeedingHelp7]

My husband is 47. He's been a lifetime addict/alcoholic. He had some decent clean time and became a substance abuse counselor before I met and married him.

I hear you....My husband was also a substance abuse counselor before we met and married. How knowledgeable and easy to talk to he was. He had some very good clean time I thought when we married, but he went to script drugs, then relapsing and disappearing on crack 2 times then, plus other women. I was devastated. This has been a long healing process because I too loved him deeply.

My thoughts were the same as yours. For crying out loud, if anyone should know better it is him. I think as a past substance abuse counselor, he tries to justify it as a "a sickness" to get pity, and continue using. We are the 3rd family he has lost. A third child he didn't care enough about. Oh well he has pills and other womens attention, thats all that matters to him. I really don't even like him now, and I think my feelings are lining up better. What a change huh, 3 yrs later.

You are going through the hardest part now, but God will take care of you and the children and bring you through.

[MrsMagoo]

Holy Cow! That hits really close to home!

My husband was married before, to another addict. He walked away after many years of back and forth. He'd go to treatment and she'd pick him up with a 12 pack and a couple bags of dope. He'd say no, no, no and eventually give in. He always wanted the family and kids. Well, he got it with me.

We used to sit on the front porch when I was pregnant and he say to me, "if anyone had told me last year or 5 years ago that I'd be sitting on the front porch of my beautiful house, with my pregnant wife, in this quaint little neighborhood, with the job that I have the responsibility and prestige that comes with it, I would have told them they were crazy even though it's always been my dream. Janet, you've made my dreams come true!" Oh the tears.

And here we are. A meer 4 years of marriage, a three year old, 4 relapses.

My Ah's relapse started too with pills. A blown out knee, 2 car accidents and hand surgery, 2 weeks on IV morphine. He quickly graduated back to heroin. He knew better. As a counselor and as a former addict, he should have known better - knew how this was going to end up and certainly have known he would loose his home, job and family over this.

I DO hope this pain subsides. It does wax and wane. Some days are better than others but the bad days are really ugly and scare me because I question my sanity. I question whether I can ever relocate my identity outside of addiction because right now my whole identity, outside of "mom" is addiction and recovery and I know there used to be more of me than this but I can't remember what it was.

[MrsMagoo]

I've missed you Callie!

[Callie]

You too MM, call me ANYTIME - we have way too much in common!!

[outonalimb]

Mrs. Magoo...

You're definitely NOT alone. I went through this too after I left my exah.

He was homeless, the holidays and his birthday were coming up, and I wanted to take care of him. I wanted to buy him warm clothes, boots, gloves, and a hat. I felt like such a fool. I wondered if I had any self-esteem left in my body. After all, how could I worry about and want to love and care for someone who drug me through hell for years before I found the strength to leave?

Alot of it had to do with fear. I was afraid for him. I was certain he would continue his downward spiral and end up dead from an overdose.

Another part of it had to do with the fact that I simply couldn't believe or accept that his life was so horrible but he hadn't hit his bottom yet. I really thought and hoped that losing me and our son would be such a blow that he would finally bottom out and seek help. After all, its one thing when they use and spiral when they still have us but once they lose us and their kids, I think its human nature that we would expect and hope (even subconcsciously) that such an event would be a wake up call and turning point for them. When it wasn't, I questioned everything I did and focused on worrying about him and second-guessing my decision.

Your feelings are all so natural. You loved this man enough to build a life and have children with him. Its okay to feel compassion and love for him. This doesn't make you weak or crazy...it just makes you, you. I used to wish I could hate him...but I couldn't...and although working my way through the feelings was so hard, it beat the alternative of turning into a hateful, spiteful, vengeful person.

Hang in there Mrs Magoo...you're going to be okay.......

[Carol Star]

This was me a few years ago. I didn't get my "picket fence" and it was so hard. My doc said it is like having a red racecar with no engine in it. They have a higher power too. Now I try to see it as it is and not like I want it. I try to stay in the moment and be where my feet are. I am ok. It is sad. He is losing everything. He chooses to use. I am now in the solution and not the problem. It was too crazy living in it. The holidays are sad if I let my mind do that loop. But I am grateful ,A NEW Earth.....watch Chap. 5 the "painbody".......on Oprah.com with Tolle. The present, a gift, the past is over....worrying about the future is like being in a rocking chair.....not going anywhere. I am thankful for SR.....where I learned Let Go Or Be Dragged!

[coffeedrinker]

Good morning Magoo,

You were on my mind when I first got up. Glad to read more update.

Holidays....very difficult, very sad when the one you most want to be there is absent. I think perhaps I would be glad if he were gone if I knew he was in a safe place (rehab). It was the only place on the planet he could be where I thought I could breathe easily. (Unfortunately MY plan didn't go as planned and he did not check into one, but it's something we're still discussing).

This is why I am writing this time. Your husband is an opiate addict. My guy too has been through several treatments, and has been clean for stretches of time, previous to this "relapse" he had about two years clean time. I recently started doing a lot of reading, internet research, and it seems unarguable that this addiction is more than a bear to quit for good. There is a biochemical response to all the years of using. I don't wanna get on a soapbox or make this post super long, but my eyes were opened to the physiological component of drug addiction, and when something I read stated "...they are desperate to get clean...." I looked at him with more compassion than disgust.

Mrs Magoo, this is NOT meant to deter you from your course!!! You are 100% correct when you say he needs long-term clean time IF you ever try to reconcile. But, my man had a talk with me about what he has tried in the past and how nothing has ever "stuck" for him and he would like to go on Methadone Maintenance. I quickly started researching this nonsense. I immediately decided that it was just his way of wanting to stay on a drug, but do so legitimately. There are ALOT of sites, and info about this treatment, so I won't go into any detail, but I believe my first skeptical impulse was wrong. Now, I think it just might be the ticket. For someone who truly wants to live a clean and sober life, who has repeatedly done things out of character when he falls, and who has been altering his brain function for 30 years, well, as I said, I am hopeful. (Of course he is also participating in programming - you can't just put down the bottle or pipe, etc)

As of now, he has been on it for about a month. He started out dopey and I thought he was still using, but it takes awhile to get stabilized. Two days ago I said to him "You are coming back to your old self!" He said "yeah, it feels good".

I too have lived the nightmare of checking my inventory, hiding even nyquil, stashing my purse and car keys in hiding places. It is consuming, and just awful. I also know that time will tell -- I am not being naive. Sounds like you are not either. And with his background, he prob already knows all about MMT but perhaps wants to kick the "right way" or "by himself". I know mine did - he didn't wanna be on Methadone until this last relapse.

[MrsMagoo]

The race car is a good analogy. AH was highly functional when we met and married. 3 jobs, goals, dreams, spirituality, I just knew that I would have nothing to worry about the rest of my life. He had the answer to everything and our relationship was pretty perfect.

AH, at least when he left, was already on methadone. Because of history of opiate addiction, relapses and pain issues, the VA put him on methadone. It was pill form so he never had to go dose at a clinic.

The past two relapses were using crack (because of the methadone I'm sure he knew it would take ALOT to get high), The thing about the crack that scared me almost worse than the heroin is that many people on crack end up committing violent crimes. You don't read about a herion addict car-jacking someone or robbing mini-marts. They are erratic, desperate and unpredictable so when AH told a counselor at the treatment center he was in earlier this year that he was binging and didn't think he could control his impulse to kill me...we had to take it seriously, especially since he suffers from post traumatic stress disorder.

IF AH is in fact going to treatment, even if its for 30 days, I"m happy, especially since it will be on the opposite side of the state. I was hoping for a 12-18 mo. program so he could be vocationally trained to do something other than what he's done all his life, so that he could re-learn independence and so that hopefully we could work on our relationship with a third party and on visits. His attorney said she was going to recommend that he get a bed ASAP since our November 30th court date has been postponed until sometime in January. That's why I think it's not a long term program. I don't know if you can get "passes" to come to court when your 4-6 hours away. That doesn't sound logical or very safe.

I would ideally love to be able to send him a picture of our daughter and send some artwork from preschool to him. Not knowing where he is I can't do that. I just wish for some sort of contact with him, even if its one sided. I know that's MY WILL and not GOD's WILL so I guess I have to sit back and just wait. If I"m supposed to know, it will happen.

I commend those of you who have been able to work through this. I know it's not easy. I really do need to concentrate on being grateful for what I have, i.e., a job, a home, the children, a church, friends, family, SR, CR, food, hot water, a bed and no chemical demons to battle with, only the demons in my head because my head and heart won't align with each other.

Originally Posted by Carol Star

This was me a few years ago. I didn't get my "picket fence" and it was so hard. My doc said it is like having a red racecar with no engine in it. They have a higher power too. Now I try to see it as it is and not like I want it. I try to stay in the moment and be where my feet are. I am ok. It is sad. He is losing everything. He chooses to use. I am now in the solution and not the problem. It was too crazy living in it. The holidays are sad if I let my mind do that loop. But I am grateful ,A NEW Earth.....watch Chap. 5 the "painbody".......on Oprah.com with Tolle. The present, a gift, the past is over....worrying about the future is like being in a rocking chair.....not going anywhere. I am thankful for SR.....where I learned Let Go Or Be Dragged!

[Heretotalk]

I hear and feel you pain.

I live it.

I left my husband a mere 5 weeks ago. Hes using, blaming me and had become violent.
I am fortunate my son is not his.

I attend 3 meetings a week to cope.

I come on here and read and write, to cope.

But I also joined a few online socializing sites and frankly am out meeting NORMAL people again. (WHY?

Because the best way for me to get past hoping he would wake up and fantasizing about it ( which was making me sick) was to meet people I liked and become normal again.

I have been on coffee dates, lunch dates and actually met someone special. Who gets me...

And not that I am a love addict... I am however architecting a future that doesnt include him. I didnt die, fall off the planet and I

I still feel I need the 3 meetings a week. I still realize I need to be cautious. But I have other places now to put my focus.

My relationship with the soon to be ex was winding down for a year. I love him, but I cant help him, save him, I didnt cause it, I cant cure it or control it. And yes, hes toxic to me now and a danger.

- Susan

[MrsMagoo]

Hi there. Monday's are hard for me. Work is somehow a trigger for thinking about and obsessing about AH.

I have to admit that I drove by the homeless shelter last last night. AH's truck wasn't there. He could have sold it. He could have loaned it or traded it to a dealer. He could be in treatment or he could be on the street. I don't know but somehow just driving by there made me feel better. I can't explain it.

His sister won't confirm whether or not he's left town. It's none of my business except that I'm his WIFE and I think I deserve to know. I know that I can't simply disappear geographically or even disappear into drugs. I have responsibilities. Sometimes I think it must be nice and other times, when I'm feeling sane, I feel fortunate that enough people care about me to not be able to get away with just going missing.

[kj3880]

Holidays can be so hard during a time of grieving. Stay in close touch here with all of your friends.

[kj3880]

It's good to hear from you, Janet! I went back and forth with the man I thought was the "love of my life" for about 5 years. I don't regret it any more because it was a struggle that taught me a lot and part of what made me who I am. And it showed me how much I can love someone. I didn't know I was capable of that depth of feeling. Love is a beautiful part of the human condition, though it can be very painful.

I'm also happy I'm over it. I've learned that I can get more than one "Love of my life" too! There is hope. Hold on to your own recovery. One thing that I've learned in my recovery is if you can't let go of something, then hold on to it so tight that it drags you painfully. Then you will be able to let go.

Love,
KJ

[NeedingHelp7]

I know that I can't simply disappear geographically or even disappear into drugs. I have responsibilities. Sometimes I think it must be nice and other times, when I'm feeling sane, I feel fortunate that enough people care about me to not be able to get away with just going missing.

Exactly, the first time AH went missing our son was 3 yrs old (2005), older son was 16 yrs old. I resented so much that I had to go through such heart ache while trying to be a normal mom. It was so difficult to put a smile on my face when all I felt like doing was crying. He did it again 1 1/2 yrs later, I wasn't yet healed from the first time. I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone!!! And even then so much attention was going to AH, his health, his continued use of pills, his disappearing relapses were so disrupting our lives. Panic and fear that I was losing my husband was the worst, fear he was going to die, fearing son was going to be without him. Then next thing ya know I had a teen getting into trouble.

I have trusted HP to get us through each day, moment by moment. Fear and faith don't mix easily, but I certainly had both, the fears are leaving over time. Having to go no contact with AH was difficult, but I knew I had to do it for my own sanity. AH was very vengeful when he had supervised visits, during those times I believe his only intention was to push me over the edge. He didn't see that he wasn't safe with son alone, he didn't see those visits came because of his own destructive actions, he just wanted to tear me up. He got very, very ugly and scary!! He doesn't scare me anymore. I know who my protector is!! I have seen God do some awesome protecting!! When He says he hides us in the shelter of His wings it's true. When He says He is our refuge and strength and a very present help in times of trouble, He is!! And He too will hold, help, and protect you Mrs Magoo.

[Japic05]

((Mrs Magoo))

Just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

I can imagine those are some really tough times and heartbreaking nites and days that you are going thru.

ODAT in Al-Anon pg 234 says "Never let me imagine that my satisfacation with life depends on what someone else may do"

That is an easy quote to read but not always an easy one to apply to our lives after we have spent many years consumed with "their" well-being.

Please hang in there - keep trying - keep loving you and remembering YOU are worthy and deserve to such a better life.

HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity),
Rita

[MrsMagoo]

Awww, thank you ladies! I got through my Monday okay this time. Fortunately, I was very very busy at work so I couldn't feel sorry for myself and I had step study last night too.

One of the questions last night was, "What in the past is keeping you from trusting God's will for your life?"

That was easy. I thought God brought me my husband. I had spent years praying for the perfect mate, a soul mate with whom things would be easy and natural. No games. Whaalah! I met him. He shared that he had prayed the same prayer and for a short time, long enough for us to become engaged, get married and get pregnant, life was bliss.

Now I am unsure of how to tell the difference between God's will and Janet's will because Janet's will is very strong and I can convince myself apparently that it is one in the same.

Thankfully I will be very busy this weekend with friends (thank God for friends!) so hopefully I won't wallow in worry about what AH might be doing this Thanksgiving, what soup kitchen he will eating his Thanksgiving dinner in and wondering if he has the least concern about us.

I DO have alot to be thankful for. We all do. We're here, posting. We have somehow survived.

[outonalimb]

Bless your heart Mrs. Magoo. The whole 'my will vs. God's will' is a definite struggle.

I was positive God's will would be that my marriage was preserved.
We sanctified our union before God...our child was conceived thru his will...and I just didn't understand how it could be God's will that my exah wouldn't get clean and our marriage would be destroyed. So I hung on for a very long time waiting for God to make things right.

After alot of prayer, I just decided that God's will was that I take care of myself and our son and that I leave my exah in his care and keeping. And thats what I did. yes, it was a huge struggle...so many tears...so much pain and uncertainty but I can tell you without any doubt that even though I didn't know it at the time...and even though I was mad as hell at him for 'abandoning' me and our marriage, I can see now looking back that God was with me, guiding me, every step of the way.

god was with me thru friends and family that loved me and held me up thru the pain. God was with me in all sorts of ways...I just didn't always realize it.

so good for you for focusing on those blessings. God's working in your life whether you see it or feel it. He's right there with you. Remember that, okay?

Much love.