Help!

[yuki]

I love this guy whom I met 2mths ago. We have great chemistry. He was on alcohol and cocaine but now has been clean for 1 year plus. He attends AA meetings regularly.
Ok the thing is he also has other issues. One of them is his bad reputation with girls. He's been sued before for sexual harassment and slept with quite a handful in his wild party days. But I don't mind all these and also the fact that he was a recent divorcee.

2 weeks ago, he said he wanted me to stay away from him after a flirting incident. I saw him responding to the flirting from another gal at a club. He even brought that girl to his house at her requests and totally ignored my feelings and presence. Being a little drunk and very upset, I yelled at him and couldn't remember much details later. The next morning, he said that I was a bad influence on him and he almost wanted to touch alcohol the night before. I asked for another chance. He seemed resolute not to. But 2 days later, he called and we were back together again, meeting almost everyday like before.

However, now our relationship is casual according to him but it's not, since we make love often and see each other almost every day. He said he cannot commit and will not since he's not stable. Yet he behaves intimately with me.

I am torn. Does he love me at all? Is he worth hanging around with? I feel like I am at his mercy. Please advise

[Ann]

He clarified his feelings, I'd say believe him...it's casual with sex.

Two things sent up red flags when I read your post...one was that you were drunk and don't remember what happened. I'm not being judgmental when I suggest that you might want to take a look at your own drinking and what it is doing to you.

The second is that after only a couple of months, you claim to be in love with a man who makes it clear he is not available. That's sad and you may want to look at that too.

Believe it or not, you're in a good place here. This is where we get to look withing and find out what makes us behave in ways that are crazy in relationship.

Take a read around, think about what you want out of life for you, and know you are worth far better treatment than the way you are treating yourself right now.

Hugs

[teke]

hi, welcome to sr.

i agree with ann i'm concerned with your drinking and not remembering, i would check into that too. i also agree with ann about the man you love who don't seem to be available to you or for you, other than for casual sex. you may want to think seriously about whether or not this is the kind of man you want in your life. he's being sued for sexual harassment! that kind of says to me, he may not be such a good choice for you. you have your whole life ahead of you, i think you deserve better. mho

[tjp613]

Originally Posted by yuki

I am torn. Does he love me at all? Is he worth hanging around with? (

2 words: HELL NO!!

[outtolunch]

This is a classic relationship by hopeful fantasy.
I like the way Ann put this....he told you how it is....believe him.

Find your dignity and walk out the door. Then make sure you get tested for STDs in case he gave you a gift.

[cynical one]

I think it's called friends with benefits these days.

He's good...he brings another woman home and you end up asking for another chance. Forgetting all his baggage for a moment...just think about that.

[Spiritual Seeker]

If he says you threaten his sobriety...for him you do.

Sounds like you are an option ... for now.

Lighten up and see the relationship for what it is...we only get pain when we
argue with reality.

If you don't mind casual sex...stay.

[yuki]

Thanks for all the advice. The thing is he did admit that he likes me but because he's not stable (since he's still early in his recovering from the addiction), that's why he couldn't commit to me. So if I leave him now, I will be missing out something, I do love him much and repeatedly told him so.. I want to wait for him to be ready. But on the other hand, I've good friends around me to tell me to ditch it and they are willing to put our years of friendship on the line because of this man, that's why I am so torn and confused.

So a question to RAs, is it possible that he loves me but he's not willing to commit in case I derail him from recovery? Frankly I only drink socially and don't touch alcohol when he's around anymore. So I find his concern unfounded. I want to learn how to love and support him through his recovery so that he will feel safe to be with me again.

[cynical one]

You must have a direct line to the big-guy upstairs if you have the powers to "derail his recovery". See, the way this works is NOTHING we do or say will make an addict use or not use.

This guys history with women should bother you, a good way to assess future behavior is by past behavior. Cocaine is a very sexual drug for men with sexual addiction being one of the components of the disease. You are now sleeping with ALL of his past and present sexual encounters, that's why it's so very important to use protection each and every time. Just because he says he's disease free or has been tested and was at the time, doesn't mean that you're the only one. In fact he's pretty much telling you that you're not.

Typical addict behavior is for them to screw up (flirting and bringing another girl home) and then twisting it all around to make it your fault (because you drank you are a bad influence) and then pulling back to see how you roll, we believe their story more than our own, apologize or beg for forgiveness, and then they throw us a crumb. Thus the codependent/addict cycle begins. You're right about one thing though, if you leave him now this is what you'll be missing out on...more of the same.

He's telling you so many truths though, sort of pre-warning you, listen very carefully to your gut, and believe all those red-flags that are boldly waving in your face. Right now you have a small opportunity to keep your esteem, finances, and emotional wellbeing intact and not fall into the painful cycle that 99.9% of us have. Chemistry is one thing, but real love...mature love...needs to be nurtured over time...this doesn't happen in a couple of months.

[tjp613]

Originally Posted by yuki

I've good friends around me to tell me to ditch it and they are willing to put our years of friendship on the line because of this man, that's why I am so torn and confused.

This is a HUGE WAVING red flag, my dear. If your best friends who know you and have cared about you for years are telling you to ditch him, then ditch him. I wish I would have listened to my friends when they gave me the same advice!! Oh! How I wish I had listened!!!

[breakingfree88]

If he is working a program of recovery than he would know that he shouldn't blame other people for his inappropriate behavior. Keep in mind he behaved this way while he is supposedly drug and alcohol free. He invited another woman back to his place, and can't blame it on a chemical. If your friends disapprove and you had to ask him for another chance, I'd take him for his word. It's nothing serious between you two.
You deserve better, and you'll find it if you give yourself the chance.

[rayofsunshine]

You are worth so much more in a relationship than this guy is willing to give.
Don't sell yourself short. If you continue to stay in this relationship, be prepared for more of the same... his bad behavior and him twisting it around where its all your fault. Sounds like he doesn't want in a commited relationship because he doesn't want to give up the other women.

In recovery, ACTIONS speak louder than words. What are his actions telling you?

One thing I learned was you cannot control their addiction or their recovery.

You didn't Cause it

You can't Control it

You can't Cure it

[Ann]

Ok the thing is he also has other issues. One of them is his bad reputation with girls. He's been sued before for sexual harassment and slept with quite a handful in his wild party days. But I don't mind all these and also the fact that he was a recent divorcee.

Sweetie, I don't think your problem is "him".

Why don't you mind? Why are you obsessing over a man who has made it clear he is not committed to this relationship? Why do you accept him bringing another woman home? Why, after only 2 months of what has admittedly been a shaky relationship, are you willing to put your life on hold and wait for him to become a man he doesn't want to be?

You don't have to answer me or anyone here. But I have a feeling if you think about those questions, you will find that the answer isn't "him". There's more "hims" out there, and unless we address our own issues and find some self respect, we'll attract every one of those "hims" like a magnet and continue the cycle until WE stop.

Hugs

[NeedingHelp7]

yuki, First I'd like to say welcome to SR! It's not a mistake you ended up here.

I'm sorry you even met that guy you are speaking of. I think he knows he is only going to use you for sex (without commitment) which is a many A's other addiction. You said yourself he has a reputation with girls.

I am torn. Does he love me at all? Please advise

No, I'm sorry he doesn't love you. His sense of love has been very warped with probably a history of using women for sex.

Is he worth hanging around with?

No he's not worth hanging around with. Let him go.

He has more issues. At least he let them be known you. I'm only sorry it was with you.

Also, he knows not to hang around others that are actively drinking, it's dangerous if he wants recovery. I hope you understand this.

Hoping for the best for you.

[outtolunch]

Originally Posted by yuki

So if I leave him now, I will be missing out something......

Like what? A guy who brings another woman home and then blames you?

Again, Ann said it best....the problem is not him or his recovery. We do not know you and yet everyone of us knows you deserve to treat yourself better than you have been doing.

[cessy68]

If having a 'challenge' in your life is on your agenda, stay.

Then have years (or frankly, however long HE USES you) of heartache.

You can have chemistry with many people.... why not choose someone who respects you? Clearly the answer might be because you are not respecting yourself. ANY woman who allows a man to bring home a girl, and then be the one apologizing, has some serious self-esteem issues.

NEXT.......... he can't be around YOU because YOU drink... BUT HE can be in a CLUB w/ a whole room of drinkers/druggies???????? HELLLO, this is a neon sign of this guys manipulative behavior... please.

Finally, If I met a guy tomorrow, who told me he was in AA..... I wouldn't bother dating him. (no offense to anyone here)......... but it's not something I'm interested in entertaining. (even some recovered addicts here agree). I have no intrest in investing my energy into someone who might eventually ruin my entire life, from a relapse. You need to think about these things......... and 2 months of a crappy coutship, certaintly dosen't warrent wasting your life/time on this man.

Love,
cess

[devastated]

I agree with all the others, especially with Ann who always says things so diplomatically!

My question to you is, what do you want with a man who doesn't show an interest in you....other than sex?

Nope, if I were you I would go back to the drawing board. Just my opinion. This is not a good thing for your self-esteem!

Hugs, Devastated

[teke]

sending you lots of hugs, we really do care about you.

[coffeedrinker]

sweetheart,

i agree completely with the advice of everyone who told you to run, not walk, away from this future train wreck. i'd just like to add something else i think i see:
he's only a year clean and sober, yet he's hanging in bars, "dating" someone who uses one of his drugs of choice, and exhibiting using behavior (manipulation, distancing himself emotionally, using you for his pleasure). have you ever heard the term "dry drunk"?

[yuki]

I really appreciate all of your concerns and telling me the best advice from your experiences. It's just that I find it very hard to leave him NOW. My days will be void without him, especially most of my close friends have left me because of him. It's really tough...everytime I want to stop calling him, I ended up in his house. He treats me with respect, just that he doesn't want to be my guy at this moment. That's why I thought of giving him a bit more time, let our relationship grow, afterall it did start on a promising level. He's really very serious about not going back to his old ways. I was hoping if there's recovering addicts here in his similar situation can tell me if such a hope of mine can turn into reality.

[NoelleR]

Originally Posted by yuki

I really appreciate all of your concerns and telling me the best advice from your experiences. It's just that I find it very hard to leave him NOW. My days will be void without him, especially most of my close friends have left me because of him. It's really tough...everytime I want to stop calling him, I ended up in his house. He treats me with respect, just that he doesn't want to be my guy at this moment. That's why I thought of giving him a bit more time, let our relationship grow, afterall it did start on a promising level. He's really very serious about not going back to his old ways. I was hoping if there's recovering addicts here in his similar situation can tell me if such a hope of mine can turn into reality.

OK, Yuki, I wasn't going to reply here, as a lot of time what I'm thinking and what I write seem to be so different, and stuff comes out 'mean' when that is the furthest thing from what I'm feeling/thinking.

.....BUT, here goes......I am a RECOVERED alcoholic/addict; clean/sober since June 23, 1986. What I'm getting from what you've written about his actions, it has NOTHING to do with his being an addict, in recovery or not. Lots of addicts/alcoholics would love to blame their bad behavior on the booze or the drugs, but the FACT is that alcohol/drugs do NOT cause these behaviors. What I'm understanding of this guy...............he's a jerk, regardless of his being in recovery or not; his actions suck, and you're worth so much more; and you're losing your old friends over this @#$*&^%$#%......? Honey, let him go........

I want to make one more suggestion here, and others may come later and do a way better job than I will, but you might want to check out alanon/naranon, check out the book 'Codependent No More' and check out codependence......I'm seeing some flags in what you write about yourself, and your feelings about this man (human, anyway, I think.....?)......: you can't seem to leave him (?); your days will be void without him (?); and you say...: "...He treats me with respect, just that he doesn't want to be my guy at this moment. That's why I thought of giving him a bit more time, let our relationship grow," WHAT RESPECT.....? WHAT RELATIONSHIP....?.....

OK, I better stop now; I can feel my blood pressure rising.....LOL


NoelleR

P.S. ....just wanted to say again, what someone earlier said, and go get yourself tested for STD's. Remember, everyone he's had sex with, he's having sex with everyone they've had sex with......and that goes for you too......makes me feel I'm back in the 60's.

[coffeedrinker]

sweetheart,

please please listen to these wise and caring people. you feel right now your life will have a void if you let him go. well, yeah, for a little while. but you have known him for TWO MONTHS - a drop in the bucket. even your future soul mate takes longer than that to be real love.

you mentioned "great chemistry". this makes me think of suggesting therapy for you.
if you are drawn to such as this, the potential that you will continue to choose this type of man is great. please listen to the advice given by total strangers, AND the friends who know and love you. and then HEAR it.