Need help finally confronting wife....

[Tyler312]

Hello,
I've been lurking here for a while... always trying to find help for my problem but never quite brave enough to post. I've read through various posts, including the "10 Ways Family Members Can Help Loved Ones With Drug and Alcohol Problems" post. I'm not quite sure where to start with my wife.

Long story short, she "lightly abuses" prescription drugs that she is prescribed. She has some valid medical problems, but uses the drugs that are *supposed* to help those problems in what I believe to be more recreational ways. It is frustrating, alters her behavior, and quite frankly, I can't handle it.

I work a full-time job with decent insurance. I have a flexible spending account, so I pay for all of the prescription drugs, which is usually at least $2,500 for the year. The recent prescrpition, Xyrem (see below) is much more expensive. She has paid for it this year. But my flexible spending account needs to be reviewed... If I tried to cover everything next year, I'd likely have to set aside $4000-5000. So I anticipate a "discussion" about how it is being paid.

This gets to the "10 ways..." advice thread. I feel like I am aiding her abuse of prescription drugs but paying for it all. But I have no idea how to constructively not pay or change "this arrangement" without being unproductive and starting an argument. Do I simply refuse to pay for some or all of it? I get stuck on the fact that the reason why I do not want to pay is because of the suspected abuse.


*** Here is some detail about our history and the "abuse".... feel free to skip ***

She has had sleep and tiredness issues and been prescribed various drugs since I met her 8 years ago. She is a nurse, and one thing (my opinion) about her treatment of medicines is that she thinks there is a pill for everything. Nausea, take this. Sleepy, take that. Need some sleep, here, take this.

Early on, we used to smoke weed. For me it was a little bit of fun in the evening, but something I did not want to do every night. For her, it was more of an escape. After a while, it started disappearing faster. Years later she commented that she used it to "escape" rather than go to school.

A few years later, she was prescribed Adderall for her tiredness issues. It really helped her in school, and it seemed to be beneficial. Through the years, her dose increased higher and higher, until now where she is basically maxed out. She can take that dose and still be tired throughout the day.

Earlier this year, she started seeing a sleep doctor. He diagnosed her with narcolepsy. The treatment is Xyrem. Apparently not many people (including doctors) know what that is, but it is aka GHB or "the date rape drug". It basically makes you get good, restful sleep. The doctor starts you on a small dose, and over a few months increases it to the "correct" level. The instructions are to take one dose at bedtime, set an alarm for 4-hours later, and take a second dose. The second dose is needed because it is basically out of your system in 4 hours.

When she started the Xyrem, she followed the instructions for all of a day or two. Then she seemed to start taking it early in the evening and spending the next hour drowsily stumbling all over the place before eventually passing out. She seemed odd, like it made her try to be productive but still sleepy.

After it started, I was extremely agitated and I fueled the fire a bit. Eventually we had an argument about it and she claimed she was "trying to find the correct dose" and "I have no idea how she feels". In my mind, that doesn't change the fact that she didn't seem interested in taking it to help her sleep... aka right before bed.

I'm now starting to think she is mixing Xyrem and Adderall (but that is my opinion). It is like she'll get almost drunk, but not from alcohol. Very talkative and "happy". But, eventually in a couple of hours, sleepy.

The Xyrem also seems to disappear fast.... it is delivered once a month, and I think she runs out a week or two before the next delivery. I like it when she runs out... she acts more normal

A few other continual things that happen through all this is over-using benadryl (in one instance 100 pills in a few days... coincidentally when she ran out of Xyrem), over-using Tussinex (prescribed for cold, contains vicodin... disappears much faster than it should), I *think* excessive Robitussin use, but I am not sure about that one. I know I have bought her 5 bottles in the last month, which is more than I would have used in the last few years.

I tend to brush things aside, which is why I have been lurking for a while. But this is really bothering me. Especially when I feel like I don't want to be with my wife anymore. The thoughts are there because of her behavior... hence me being here.

Anyway... sorry for the long post. Any tips or threads with similar advice?

[teke]

hi welcome to sr. glad you found us but sorry about your reason for doing so. the addict in my life is my husband, i too am a recovering addict with a few yrs clean.

it does sound like she is abusing her meds and yes, you may be enabling her by buying them for her. it sounds kind of odd that her doctor would prescribe so much for her don't you think? she is gonna do what she is gonna do and there is not much you can do to help her get better other than began to focus on you, allowing her to do the same.

it is common for addicts to get agitated with anyone who challenges or get in their way of their drug use. there is a lot of good info at the top of the forum page. educate yourself on addiction and co dependancy. i think it would be helpful to you if you could search your area for alanon or naranon meetings for yourself. after living in addiction, all involved tend to need to face to face support,too. keep posting and reading, others will be along shortly to welcome.

i do understand what you are going through. you have come to a great place for support, esh, hugs and laughs. it does get better. i'll keep you and your wife in my prayers.

[Suspicious]

Welcome. I agree that she is abusing meds. I really dont have any advice on how to go about confronting her. The only thing I want to add is about the adderall. I have an adhd son and I cant imagine that a doctor anywhere would prescribe it for 'tiredness'. I am also confused about prescribing a med that makes you sleep to help a condition that causes bouts of sleepiness. Not to make the situation worse than it already is but I get the impression that she gets these meds delivered through the mail... are you absolutely certain that her doctor is prescribing these meds. There are still online pharmacy's out there in operation. They have started cracking down in some states and sometimes only on some meds. Her doctor wont tell you anything but maybe you could tell him that you are concerned that he is prescribing 'med A', 'med B' and etc. Maybe he is not prescribing all of these. That probably wont help her or make her want to get help... nothing will make her get off these. She will not do that till she is ready. But it might be a legit (sad how we look for legit reasons to do things) reason to stop paying for these meds.

[tjp613]

Hi Tyler - I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this You are smart to start taking a look around SR, though and I'm so glad you're here. This place has helped so many people get their lives back on track and the wisdom shared here is nothing short of incredible.

My initial thoughts about your situation is for you to get busy thinking about what is or is not acceptable to you in this marriage. As you do your reading, go to meetings, hang out here at SR, etc... you may want to keep a journal to help you sort through your feelings and goals for your life. In the end there is really nothing you can do to control her behavior, you can only manage your own.

I think all of us here came to the board with the same question -- "How can I get him/her to stop using?" I'm sorry to tell you that we don't have an answer for that. If we did, we'd be millionaire addiction specialists with clinics all over the country! The only answer is to learn how to have the best quality of life possible whether you choose to continue living with your addict or not....both situations require that you learn the fine art of DETACHMENT.

We're glad you're here and that you finally posted! Welcome!!

[Learn2Live]

Hi Tyler. Thanks for posting. Here is my perspective of the situation and my advice.

I find your feelings, thoughts, perspectives and wishes regarding the situation you relate in your post to be rational and valid.

If your spouse chooses to continue abusing the drugs, the addiction will likely escalate. Whether it escalates over a short period or a long period of time is not predictable. However, as the addiction escalates, the addicted person's behavior and quality of life will degrade. Parallel to this, the behavior and quality of life of those people who are involved with the addicted person will also degrade.

I agree that providing the financial means for the addicted person to continue consuming the drugs is enabling. The underlying illness or disease is no longer a valid reason to continue financing the drug use, as the addiction to those drugs, and that they affect you negatively, is clear. It is in your spouse's best interest for you to cease financing this use.

The most effective means to stop enabling (stop paying for the drugs) in my opinion would NOT be to confront your spouse. Accept her and the addiction plainly for what they are, and confront your own feelings, beliefs, and wishes.

I would approach this situation by setting MY personal (financial) boundary. To do so, I must absolve myself of responsibility for the addicted person's life, choices, disease and behavior, and focus on my own self. In other words, do not blame, shame, judge, guilt, coerce, rationalize with or otherwise try to convince the other person of anything they should, could, or must do. Take full responsibility for your own needs. This requires being as conscious and aware of self as possible.

At a time when the addicted person is sober and clear-minded, ask her for five minutes of her time. Sit her down next to you and calmly and simply state, "Joan, When you use these drugs, I become overly concerned for your well-being and my life is negatively affected. I feel frustrated and I cannot handle these frustrations. Therefore, I will no longer pay for these drugs. If you continue to use these drugs, I will require you to finance them yourself." End of story. She will likely react.

She may scream, argue, accuse, berate, cry, threaten suicide, run out of the house, whatever. Your job is to see that behavior for what it is and NOT REACT. Do not engage. If you allow the drama and (immature) manipulation that may result to engage you, you will then be engaged in someone else's delusion. If she threatens her or another's life or body, call the proper authorities.

I would not tell her what her own business is. I would not say "You need help" or "I can't live like this" or "I love you" or any such words. Keep your feelings out of it. Keep your needs and your desires out of it. Keep your marriage out of it. Do not offer your help. If you absolutely must, simply suggest that she talk to her physician about it.

I know this sounds cut and dry, plain and simple. I know your reaction may be, "Easier said than done." I must tell you that it IS this plain and simple. It is only when you are not able to disengage and detach emotionally, psychically, and physically that it becomes complicated.

I hope something here is helpful to you.

[Tyler312]

Thanks for all of the replies. I think I know in the back of my head I can't magically cure her, and that I need to focus on myself. But it definitely helps to hear that from you all, because it is hard to accept.

Something interesting happened last night. She was in a definite "drunken" state most of the evening (again... not from alcohol but from Xyrem and/or something else). I withdrew, browsed around this site, and made my post. She went to bed the same time I did (usually she doesn't) and she said "do you want to have sex real quick" (I think Xyrem increases sex drive). I told her "no, I'm tired". My body definitely wouldn't have minded, but I don't like having sex with an over-medicated person.

She then asked why we are married. I told her because I love her. She said it doesn't seem like I want to be with her and that I'd probably be happier with someone else. I told her I love her, but she has been acting erratic all night and so I was doing some work on my computer. I probably could have phrased it better... but I was just trying to be honest without referring to substance abuse or anything like that.

The discussion wasn't much more than that... I think she cried a little bit and then went back downstairs. To be honest I felt more happy than sad. I couldn't console her... I guess because I didn't see any reason to. That said, I don't expect anything magic to have occurred overnight, and in all likelihood we'll pretend like nothing happened. But I hope it starts some sort of improvement, either to my happiness or both of ours.

Though, I did happen to notice that 2 of 3 xyrem bottles were in the trash, and the last one is empty. I checked up on how full they were earlier in the week, and I think the rest of it may have been used up much faster than I expected. Or, she dumped it. Either way, that means it is gone about 2 weeks sooner than it should be.

One note about the narcolepsy medication. Narcolepsy isn't necessarily all about having bouts of sleepiness. The root problem is that they don't get enough restful or deep sleep. So, the medicine helps with that. And that is why I have a hard time tolerating her taking the medicine at any time other than 5 minutes before bedtime.

-Tyler

[Learn2Live]

Tyler I must say your posts sound like you are level-headed.

[Learn2Live]

The thought of marriage for me continues to be discouraging as so many people have related to me this sort of thing occurring in the marriage relationship. The human need for physical affection and relations is so strong and yet it seems that even in marriage these needs cannot be met in any reliable or predictable fashion. How unfortunate.

[Chino]

Originally Posted by Suspicious

Her doctor wont tell you anything but maybe you could tell him that you are concerned that he is prescribing 'med A', 'med B' and etc. Maybe he is not prescribing all of these.

As an act of good faith and because she asked for and needs help navigating her medical issues, my daughter signed a release allowing me full disclosure. This might be something to consider.

[Tyler312]

Originally Posted by Suspicious

Her doctor wont tell you anything but maybe you could tell him that you are concerned that he is prescribing 'med A', 'med B' and etc. Maybe he is not prescribing all of these. That probably wont help her or make her want to get help... nothing will make her get off these. She will not do that till she is ready. But it might be a legit (sad how we look for legit reasons to do things) reason to stop paying for these meds.

Her sleep doctor is currently prescribing both the Adderall and Xyrem. Though, she has gotten Ambien a couple of times from her normal doctor (don't even ask about the Ambien episodes). I've considered calling her sleep doctor to simply say I am concerned and this stuff only seems to be making her worse. But then, I'd feel like I am ratting her out.

Thanks for the level-headed comment

-Tyler

[Suspicious]

Tyler said:
But then, I'd feel like I am ratting her out.

Who knows if going to her dr will help or hurt the situation... and only you would have any idea of how it MIGHT go but when you say that you would feel like you would be 'ratting her out' you need to figure out if that is how you would really feel or how you think she would make you feel once she found out you did it. I am not saying there is a right or wrong answer... I am smack dab in the middle of trying to let things go because it is easier not to make waves until I am able to remove myself and my kids from this situation. I have found out that I seem to be an all or nothing person. I either mention one thing and it grows into a 12 pg list of why I think he abuses pills or I dont say anything to him at all, even when faced with the obvious.

[MDB79]

Tyler, your wife needs helps and so do you. Addiction is not a "personal" disease but a "family" disease. Her addiction has also caused changes in your psyche and both of you need the appropiate help to deal with the problem.

As for her doctor goes: I wouldn't trust him. Doctors don't always have the best interest of the patient at heart. They get perks from the pharma companies based on the amount of drugs they prescribe to their patients.

Have an open talk with your wife. Tell her how you feel but most importantly tell her how much you love her and that you will do anything in order to preserve your relationship. Offer her your support in helping her combat her addiction. It may not work the first time, but you would have planted a seed in her mind. Keep showing her that you care about her wellbeing. She will eventually realize that she needs help and will thank you for not giving up on her.

Lastly, welcome to this board! You hit the jackpot by coming here! I wish you both the best and will pray for you and your wife.

[ventuhome]

My brother was experiencing the same thing with his wife getting addicted to prescription medication. Only she started to go to more than one doctor and more than one pharmacy. Eventually she started calling in her own "prescriptions", got caught, and got sent to jail. What really helped my brother was going to NarAnon meetings. I had to go with him the first time, and he couldnt even talk about it that time. But after that he started going by himself and it was good for him to be with people in the same boat. It sounds like your wife is deep into addiction; now after using her monthly dose up in 2 weeks is she going to go w/o it or try to get more for a different source. Think about what you do and do not feel comfortable with paying for. Now unfortunatley since you are married her debts are your debts, so if she doesnt pay for extras it will go on your credit report. People at NarAnon (or AlAnon) may be able to give you some good ideas on controlling what your flex acct will pay for. When we had a flex acct, my husband had to submit the bills in order to get re-imbursed.

[eggdogg1234]

At some point you are going to have to talk to your wife about how you feel. I was in a very similar situation as you; my ex-wife was not only using drugs but also abusing meds from her doc. There was a point in my situation when I had had enough. It had nothing to do with how much I loved or didn't love my wife. It had nothing to do with wrong or right. It had everything to do with me being at the end of my (in)sanity rope. I sat her down and said "I am no longer going to participate in your addiction." It was incredibly hard for me to do (as with most codies, we can make up all sorts of reasons why we should not do what our hearts, not heads, are telling us we must). After that conversation I still participated in her addiction (I am a true codie) but the degree in which I did so began to lessen, until I kicked her out of the house.
My consular gave me a very powerful analogy that I still keep in close in my head.
(As told to me). If your inner peace is a lake and you are in a boat in the middle of the lake, part of your job (life responsibility) is to keep you waters as smooth and calm as possible. This task is hard enough when you think about how easily water is disrupted. However this task is impossible when you invite some other person to jump in and play around in your lake. The point being that you are inviting this into your lake, and your lake should really not be open to the public.
As a codie, I have a super power......I can let anybody at anytime into my lake (inner peace) and until I respect myself enough tell people to "move on, cause my lake is closed to all but me" I will be confronted with other peoples problems, and feel the need to fix them because as a result my waters will calm. The end goal is get everybody out of my lake so there problems don't effect my inner peace. Much easier said than done.
Good luck, and be true to yourself at all cost.

[Tyler312]

Thanks again for the replies.

My wife and I have not talked much in the last 5-6 days (since her last "drug episode" and I called her out on "being erratic" when she asked "why are we married").

But, tonight I had to bring up budgeting for medical expenses for next year. I told her I wasn't sure if I could pay for Xyrem (the really pricey sleep medicine), since it doesn't seem to be helping her. She got a little defensive, saying "my doctor says it may take a year for it to be effective". That does not excuse her recreational use. Of course, I didn't say that. We left the issue somewhat open... she acted like I was bothering her and then went to be a little later. The bottom line is she will pay for it if she needs it.

So, I'll still have to deal with the underlying issue. But at least I am moving towards detaching.

[teke]

good for you tyler, i pray that it will all work out soon.

[supportforme]

Tyler - I started suspecting an addiction almost 2 years ago. For some reason, I couldn't hit it head on - I've always been extremely confrontational and aggressive. Not sure why, maybe I didn't want to believe it. Everyone is different. Over the last 2 years and many many lies and sleepness nights, he's admitted to a long term affair and oxycodone addiction. Read the posts and take the advice from the other members. I'm taking baby steps, but I think I'm getting there. It hurts like hell; but, sometimes I think I wanted to believe his lies because the truth would hurt too much and I don't think I accomplished anything but prolonging my own agony. I hope things are different for you. This is out of our hands. We can't control this. It's not personal, this is a disease that eats away at the entire family. This site has some great resources and members. I wish you all the best.

[Live]

Perhaps you can go to the Dr's appmts with her?
That way you can address this as a couple, and find out what real medical issues exist, you can express your concerns and what you have observed.
My XH was prescribed drugs that completely changed his personality, it was terrible and he couldn't think clearly.
I have also been prescribed many drugs and some have had side effects that are undesirable...one, by it's nature made me seem drugged..but that was the intent!
Another caused a psychotic break....my sis took me to the ER and a Dr and he was apalled that I had been prescribed that drug combo and told me that part of it was that the patient cannot remember taking the drug (it was a sleep med) and will take another..not remember...take another...etc.
I would be highly suspicious in your shoes, yes! Things running out too quickly.
If she objects to you being there, that would certainly signify something, right?
I always accompanied my XH to his apmts...his health was both our concern.
Now, I always include my fiancee in my appmts, it is helpful to me..because he can help me provide the Dr with an objective viewpoint or things I might forget to mention and understand what is going on with me and what the Dr says and is doing.
That would be my first step before cutting off all financial support for medications,
but that is just me.

[outonalimb]

Tyler,

First of all, welcome to SR. I'm glad you reached out to post.

I am the exwife of an addict. He started out with abusing presciption meds (vicodin, mostly) and eventually progressed to heroin. It took me almost a year to figure out he was using heroin.

It took me along time to 1. realize there was a drug problem, 2) accept it, and 3) (and most importantly) realize that there was NOTHING I could do or say that would help my exah get clean. Nothing.

Personally, I wouldn't recommend talking to her doctor or getting involved in her medical situation. Your wife knows what she is doing. She is an addict. If, by some miracle, you can convince her doctor that she is abusing the meds and he elects to discontinue them, she will find another doctor to take his place.

Believe me, I tried this approach. I spent alot of time trying to get involved with my exah's treatment...trying to have a say in what was going on...but my efforts were wasted. My exah would SAY that he wanted my help and encourage me to take part in his treatment/recovery but then he would find a way around my 'help' and seek out other ways to feed his addiction.

I wasted alot of energy chasing my exah's addiction around. The real harm in doing this, however, was that I took on a responsibility that belonged solely with my exah. It was like trying to put out a fire while he ran around with a can of gasoline. I became very sick by participating in this no-win game. Little by little, I lost all hope and my life spiraled downward.

Your still in the acceptance phase...the phase where we look at the situation and really see it for what it is. This phase can take a long time but its the first step to making the situation better. The next phase (when you're ready and it sounds like you are) is deciding where your boundaries lie. If spending an addition 2 or 3 grand on medications that you know she is abusing is unacceptable, its perfectly OKAY to stop doing it. Its not about trying to control her...its about making sure that you aren't so full of resentment and anger that your life is effected.

If seeing her high disturbs you, you need a boundary to protect yourself...If you can live under the same roof and find other ways to distract yourself from her 'highness', that would be great.

Its definitely a process...
I wish I had realized earlier on in the process how completely powerless I was over my exah's addiction. I wish I had realized that nothing I said or did was going to make one ounce of difference. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache, stress, time, and money.

Again, welcome to SR.
I hope you find the same type of strength and support I was fortunate enough to find here.

[hello-kitty]

I've considered calling her sleep doctor to simply say I am concerned and this stuff only seems to be making her worse. But then, I'd feel like I am ratting her out.

I think it's great you found this website and I hope you stick around and have an open mind to what you read here.

It sounds like your wife is an addict and youre not likely to change that or be able to help her get better. However by not acknowledging to her that you recognize she has a problem, you are basically throwing a blanket over an elephant in your living room. The elephant is still there. And it's not going to go away. It's only going to get bigger and more difficult to avoid.

Grant it... acknowledging your concerns to your wife won't FIX HER, but I just feel like we do ourselves a great diservice when we don't recognize and share what we see as the truth to our significant others. In a caring and non-confrontational way. It's not really about her choices. She is free to do what she wants. However, you are also free to tell her that her choices are unacceptable to you.

This type of passive agressive behavior is classic co-dependent. I think you would get alot out of reading up on the subject of codependency and attending alanon meetings. Books like Melanie Beatties "codependent no more" and "getting them sober" have lots of good information for family members of addicts.

[NeedingHelp7]

I'm now starting to think she is mixing Xyrem and Adderall (but that is my opinion). It is like she'll get almost drunk, but not from alcohol. Very talkative and "happy". But, eventually in a couple of hours, sleepy.

A few other continual things that happen through all this is over-using benadryl (in one instance 100 pills in a few days... coincidentally when she ran out of Xyrem), over-using Tussinex (prescribed for cold, contains vicodin... disappears much faster than it should), I *think* excessive Robitussin use, but I am not sure about that one. I know I have bought her 5 bottles in the last month, which is more than I would have used in the last few years.

Tyler, having had an AH I've seen the same thing with him. It's heartbreaking. He was there but not there most of the time. I know how you feel, like you are losing the person she once was, and you are. She has become a substance abuser. She uses over the counter drugs like drugs because she is a nurse. She knows what will get her drunk/intoxicated.

You are doing well to detach and that takes practice, but it's not a cure all when she is still living under your roof abusing drugs.

Your doing well not to contribute to her continued use. They hide behind the fact that it's Dr's prescribing pills to them, and that it's okay, but it's not. More people are ending up in rehabs today due to pill abuse, and addiction. And many are not. Many are losing there entire families for their pills/drugs.

The narcolepsy could be just withdrawls and problems from being on the other drugs (over the counter or not), these are not allowing her to sleep. It's a vicous cycle, and in her mind, she needs more to sleep after a while.

My prayers and sympathies to you, and I pray she wakes up to what she is doing. May God help you make the right decisions in the near future.

NH7