What to say to my addict BF

[alwayswaiting]

Hi,

Just a couple of days I found out that my boyfriend has been stealing from me. A lot of money and things. He had been using narcotics since ive known him, but in the last 6 months had slowly fallen deeper and deeper. In the end he was shooting up heroin numerous times a day. At this time, he started stealing from me. I am only a junior in college and after all of this my mother decided to come live with me. To support me to get thru this. He checked into rehab today.

Of course, everyone around me is absolutely mortified and doing everything they can to make sure I never ever get back with him. My mother flew back to the US from europe (they all live there). She is staying here with me until this semester is over (December). I am a mess to say the least, so I do need her right now... but their plan for me is to have me move back to europe and to close this chapter of my life. But- i so just want to wait for him to get better. On the other hand, I don't know if I can stay here... got no support here anymore without him...

He wants my support. he wants to get better so bad and get me back. He is so sorry. he is mortified about what he did. he says he has never wanted to clean so bad...

My questions are... how can I support him without loosing my sanity? My family will never accept him again... what can i say to him? he needs me but i need to heal... i want to help him more than anything but how can i? should I? Should I stay here and wait...?


Any help and/or support will be GREATLY appreciated...

i'm lost and sad.

but I am SO HAPPY that he is rehab

[itisatruth]

Originally Posted by alwayswaiting

But- i so just want to wait for him to get better.

You can wait if you choose, but you don't have to wait with him.

Hi alwayswaiting, you sound about the age of my son so I felt I needed to write. I'm glad you found SR. This is a good place to learn about addiction and how those of us who love/loved an addict have coped with addiction.

What I would tell my son if he came to me with what you said...as hard as it is, you cannot fix your (loved one). You can't cure (him), control (him), or change (him). He has to find his own way. You can choose to find yours. Please do what you need to do for yourself. If he finds his own way, that's good, but you planning your life around what someone else chooses is too unpredictable.

You asked how you can support him -- even though it sounds strange -- the best way to support him is to give him the dignity to find his own way.

You are young - with a lifetime ahead of you. Decide where you want to go, and go from there. If he chooses to go along...and you're OK with that, then that's fine. But please don't spend your youth waiting on someone else to change.

One more thing....people have great capacity for forgiveness. If he stays clean and your family sees long-term sobriety, they may learn to forgive his past. Ultimately though, it needs to be what is right for you.

I wish you the best...

[funkzter]

Hi alwayswaiting,
i'm sorry you're going through this and i don't know if i can give any good advise because honnestly i myself have been struggling with this same dilemna for 10 YEARS and i still don't have the answer!
Except that for sure the priority should always be YOU because you cannot rely on him and, even after rehab, you have no guarantee this is it.
I have been with my abf (also heroin addict) for 10 years and we've been through all the phases. I have done the "detach with love", the "kick him out of the house", the "support no matter what" etc...
What i know is with all that, i have learnt to live on my own and to be content with myself. If he's there, fine, if not, also fine (but less fine because, let's face it, i still love him like crazy)
It'd be a good thing to let him be for a while and see how it goes later on (but do not put your hope too high, i know it s**** but from my experience, my abf went 4 times in rehab and has relapse too many times and is now in prison - so to say the least: it's madness and draining life to love an addict!)
Take care of you
Carine

[teke]

hi, welcome.

sorry you are going through all of this too. i'm a recovering addict married to a practicing addict. i chose to wait and stand by my abf 23yrs ago, then married after a couple of rehab stays, even though he stole, lied and everything else. 23yrs later, he's been in rehab maybe 10 times,long term and short, i can't count the many jail and prison terms and to today he's still active. i finally HAD to let go to save my sanity, i was around your age when i decided to stay and like you, my family and friends tried to get me to see how much pain i would eventually suffer. i waited 21yrs of my life, i wanted change so i had to do the changing.

if i had known what i know now, i would have turned and ran as afar away from addiction as i could. life living with addiction has been the worse decision i've ever made.

i'm glad he's in rehab and want to get better. addiction is such a hard battle to fight and rehab is not a cure all, its only the beginning of his road to recovery and after rehab, it will be totally up to him whether he continues to work his program of recovery. if not, his addiction will continue to get progressive worse.

you asked if you can stay without losing your sanity. maybe is would be easier to do if you could find and attend alanon or naranon support groups for yourself. keep posting and reading, learn all you can about addiction and co dependancy.

you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. i'm sorry but i have to kind of agree with your mother. i think she has your best interest at heart and maybe its not about her not accepting him but maybe not his addiction. i'm sure that normally he's a good person but addiction has a nature of his own and it controls the mind of a normally good person.

if you decide to stay, do it without high expectations, that my dear, is hard to do too. maybe its time for you to ask yourself if his addiction is something you can live with for the long haul.

you and yours are in my prayers.

[splendra]

Welcome!

What would you say to your best friend or your baby sister in a situation such as yours? I have known several heroin addicts and from what I have seen they usually relapse quite a bit with each one getting a little bit worse.

Some of the most beautiful,talented, intelligent, creative people I have ever known are addicts. Addiction has it own mind about things many things can trigger an addict to go back out such as; a good day, a bad day, being injured and put on pain medication, getting sick, holidays, family, a job change, a new baby, moving ect ect...An addict copes buy getting high unless they have some really good support tools and clean time behind them. I does not matter what a person changes the dope is still out there and any addict doesn't have to walk very far to find it.

Is this really the star you want to hitch your wagon up to? There are so many men out there do you not think you could meet someone who doesn't have this kind of problem?

I will say a prayer for you both. Be strong and really think about about what you want for your life and ask yourself how addiction might mess things up

[outtolunch]

I am sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here.

Addicts have a tendency to steal from close friends and family because those are the people least likely to call the Police and press charges. Friends and family often take the position they do not want to ruin the addict's life.
It's an illusion of control thing.

Many believe that rehab will cure the addict.

The reality is that the overwhelming majority of addicts do not use the tools they learned and relapse, especially after just one stint. They relapse which is a part of addiction, not recovery.

You did not cause this. You cannot control this. And you most definitely cannot cure this. He is going to get and stay clean or not, regardless of your support.

[URMYEVERYTHING]

Hello and welcome to SR!

I hate to be the one to be so blunt... but because of your age and where you are in your life, I wouldn't wait on him to get better. I'm too, are in your shoes. My BF is currently in recovery for almost 3 months now and is currently in a recovery house and staying there until he can get out on his own. He also stole from me and his DOC was Heroin as well.

All I can say is this.... if I had a rewind button.... I would have ran far away back then when he disclosed to me he was an addict in recovery. He is the first and only addict I dated and surely will be the last if we don't work in the future.

Please understand that his road to recovery, if he chooses that and takes it seriously, will have you feeling alone all over again. It is not easy either way (recovery or active addiction).

I hope you have found some answers here. Keep coming back. Even though you do not have much support in the US, you will find it here.

[splendra]

Most people are happy when their significant other gets a raise or graduates from college we get all happy cause they go into rehab...irony huh

[AWEDA]

Go back home with your family,if he is truly wanting to get well he will.
However it's a long hard road and you are so young,live your life you cannot save his.

[kj3880]

I think that you should go back to your life and your family and friends in Europe. If this man stays clean for a year, then maybe you can consider seeing him then. For now, he has nothing to offer you and will only mess up your life if you tag along with him on this journey in active addiction. Most of us don't stay clean for very long.

Love,
KJ

[ElegantlyWasted]

He may be profess to be mortified; but from my experience in all likelyhood is simply an attemp to maintain the status quo. When he drys out and gets in some good recovery time in and then expresses remorse it will be real. Watch his actions, and see how they relate to what he actually does. I have a feeling there is a huge disconnect. When I was activly using I would kinda believe my own bs when I would say it, but it ended up being just that because I was an active addict. It ended up being a state of denial where I would tell myself just this one last time and it wasn't. Being honest withmyself I really cold not trust what I said to other people untill I was well into my 2 nd month of not using and thar was with a pretty good "program" that addressed my issues from a bunch of different angles. Hope this helps... On day 103 this time.

[alwayswaiting]

I just want to say thank you to everyone that has replied to my post. It honestly really helped me. I see a reality a bit better now. I needed that. Every single one of you said something I needed to hear. Hearing it from people with experience makes me want to hear it too. All the people around me know nothing of addiction, so I just refuse to listen to them. Now I realize everyone is saying the same thing. And that must mean something. Letting go is so hard. Without the drugs he has so much potential and is a wonderful person. And we would get married and have one happy family. But-the addiction will always be there. Like all of you have said. I must accept reality.

Also, I cannot think of the wishful possibilities. Those high expectations of him getting clean and being the perfect life partner hinder me moving on. I dream of it everyday, but I must accept that it most likely just will not happen that way. I just have to let him go. Let him fight his own battles. And I fight mine. Seperate.

He hopes for us to be in a long distance thing until he gets his life together... he promises to get me back if it be in one year, two, five or ten years...he makes promises... he tells me he got a pin in rehab that says, "one in a million that will make it", he tells me everything will be ok and that i have his heart forever... this are wonderful things to hear but they only make matters worse for me right now... thinking of these things will never let me heal. I must detach.

Once again, thank you to everyone!!! You guys have no idea how much I appreciate the responses...well maybe you do.

-AlwaysWaiting has become NeverWaiting-

[splendra]

Originally Posted by alwayswaiting

thinking of these things will never let me heal. I must detach.

detach there ya go.

Something I want to hear a man say is I will accept responsibility for myself and not expect you to pull me up.

[coffeedrinker]

Dear Alwayswaiting,

I, like these other wise people, also have history. I have loved people for their potential my whole life. How bout this? Support him from a distance (perhaps that will be the Atlantic Ocean) but do not put your life, your relationships, your joy, on hold. Give yourself some time to grieve, then get out there! Date a little, have great sessions with girlfriends, and get your career. Maybe one day he will get on a plane to find you. But! I suspect what will have happened before then, is that you will find another wonderful man that you can love. And if you love that one for who he is TODAY, not who he is deep inside, or who he might be tomorrow, well, that's the way it's supposed to work.