Relapse Contract?

[BigBob77]

Our son is in his 2nd week of rehab from Oxy. My wife and I have also started going to Al-Anon and Co-Dependency group meetings. Some have mentioned that we should establish a contract if he still wants to live in the house. We also know that there is a strong probability that he may relapse. So, what's the reasonable terms to put in a contract with him before being asked to leave the house? Doesn't seem that you can put a hard number on it, can you? Anyone else have experience or thoughts? Would appreciate it.

[Chino]

1) Sobriety
2) Stay out of the kitchen after we go to bed.
3) Keep your bed and bathroom clean and help out around the house, always clean up after yourself
4) Have a job or do volunteer work on a regular basis
5) No visitors or house guests without our permission

Those are my rules. Aside from #1, it's what I'd ask of any adult child living at home.

[lightseeker]

anything that you want in the contract is what is reasonable. At one point, I asked a very wise woman in recovery if something that I wanted was reasonable and she said that anything that I wanted was reasonable because addiction is not reasonable. The contract is to protect you financially, spiritually, and emotionally and it's going to be different for every family.

What rules/regulations/responsibilities do you want addressed in your home? Include anything that has the potential to create resentments.

Hope that it all goes well! Glad that you are getting to some meetings. My recovery had a huge impact on my husband's recovery even though that wasn't my intention.

[cynical one]

•I do not allow my home to be used as a detox center.
•I do not allow criminals in my home.
•I do not allow stealing in my home, if anyone steals, I will call the police and have them arrested.
•I do not allow drugs in my home, if anyone brings drugs into my home, I will call the police and have them arrested.
•I do not allow people who are on drugs in my home, if anyone comes into my home and are high on drugs, I will call the police, and have them arrested.
•I do not run a flop house, everyone must pay their share of expenses, if they don’t, they need to immediately find another place to live.
•I am not a private chef, maid, or gardener, everyone who lives in my home must contribute to the upkeep, if they don’t, they need to immediately find another place to live.
•My home is not a hotel and is not open 24 hours a day, I close my home down at 11 pm, if others are not home by closing time, they need to find alternative sleeping arrangements for the night, or immediately find another place to live.
•I do not allow abuse in my home, if anyone is abusive (emotionally, verbally, physically) they must immediately leave my home and find another place to live, and/or I will call the police and have them arrested.
•I am not a personal assistant, I am responsible for taking care of my own business, paying my own bills, and keeping my own appointments, I will not be responsible for making sure others take care of their business, pay their own bills, or keep their appointments.
•I am not a chauffeur, I am responsible for my car, its maintenance and expenses. I will not responsible for another’s mode of transportation. They can find alternative methods ie. bicycle, skateboard, bus, taxi, pony, etc.

[Ann]

Welcome Big Bob.

I just wanted to add a note to what those before me here posted, my rules were not up for negotiation. They were boundaries that I needed followed in order for me to feel safe in my own home. Sometimes I was flexible, if the situation seemed to reasonably call for it, but again it was MY choice alone and not up for discussion.

And one I can add to the list was that while living in my home, respect must be shown to all who live there. Shouting, anger, sarcasm, name calling or any form of disrespect would not be tolerated. That rule applied to everyone.

I used to tell my son that he could live with my rules in my home, or I would love him just as much while he lived anywhere else.

Good luck. I hope this works for all of you, but if it doesn't please know that you aren't the first. My son lived at home several times and it just didn't work for either of us.

Hugs

[outtolunch]

Returning home is not the only alternative.

Many people transition to Sober Living enviornments with rules and consequences.

[lauren]

Yes rules are necessary and attached to the rules are the
consequences as other have stated. The hardest part is can
you follow through with the consequences, this is the part of
the contract when you make one up that usually fails. This
is where you have to have a good solid plan in place for yourself
as well as for the addict.

Just my opinion, as I did a contract once and didn't think through
the consequences and it all failed miserably.

lauren

[hello-kitty]

Doesn't seem that you can put a hard number on it, can you?

Hi Bob. The addict in my life is/was my childs father. My now ex. I was also (and always will be) an addict. I have 4 years clean now.

I understand where you are coming from. You don't put a number on the quantity of relapses you will accept when an addict comes home because the number of acceptable relapses is.... get this... none. If you tell him that relapses are acceptable then he will use. And he won't be able to stop at the number you set. If he was able to control his use, he wouldn't be in rehab right now.

For an addict there is a difference between LAPSE and RELAPSE. And hindsite is the only way you can tell which it was.

Use ALWAYS leads to more use. There is no such thing as just one. The last thing an addict in recovery wants to do is trigger that demon inside him/her by using again. Because the nature of addiction is you can't stop.

That being said, boundaries and contracts should be for you and your wife. Not for your addict son. Boundaries and contracts are about the kind of behavior you will accept in your home. They are about the consequences that you will follow thru on if someone violates your boundaries.

Cynical one's list pretty much echos mine exactly.

Your son should (and he will probably learn this in rehab) make a contract with himself - like - I will get up every day and make my bed. I will eat breakfast every day. I will wash my dishes when I am done with them. I will go to school every day. I will begin a job search and these are the steps I will follow... A... B... C.... I will stay away from the people places and things that remind me of using. I will attend X meetings per week. I will find a sponsor within X weeks. I will call him daily. I will work the steps. I will be signed up for service by X day.

I think you should ask to see this contract so you know he wrote one. However, you can't enforce it because these are HIS behaviors. However, it will be a good guage for knowing whether he is on the right track or headed for a relapse.

And yes, many people decide that a sober living is a much better choice once they get out into society after rehab. In order to stay clean and in recovery, addicts need structure and support. Support that comes from other recovering addicts. They need to be held accountable for their behavior, and family members are often unable to do that.

Never forget that you can not control his behavior - with or without a contract. Your son is going to do what he is going to, and he needs to be held accountable for his actions.

Good luck! Keep reading and posting.

[coffeedrinker]

when i attended an narconon meeting, every person there who had allowed an adult child in recovery back in the house regretted it. you can feel so stuck if his behavior starts feeling off, or if he in fact does break a rule - i mean, how much power do you really have, and he has a key. i guess i think it would be very stressful and difficult to be possibly put in the position of having to kick him out

[tjp613]

My 19 yo son talked us into coming back home after rehab and sure enough, he relapsed within a month. The consequences were established beforehand and he had to find another place to live. He was homeless for 8 days and astounded that I wouldn't let him back in the house. I suggested he call his rehab case manager who hooked him up with a sober house in a town 150 miles away. He's been there since August and is doing well.

I strongly suggest you find a good sober house in another town, if possible. Listen to his counselors when they tell you the same thing. You'll have much greater peace of mind, believe me.

[sofacat]

Hi Big Bob,

My AH was in a rehab facility a month ago. We had to go through counseling during that time, and boundaries had to be established before he could come home. I, like you am living with a loved one with an Oxy addiction. It's one heck of a drug! If his rehab worked for him, he will understand the rules he must abide by in order to reestablish a relationship with you. Trust must be earned, and he will be aware of that.

The "codie" in us makes us feel guilty for laying down ground rules, but we have every right to protect our homes and ourselves from their addiction.

You can do it! Keep coming back here. It has gotten me through many dark days and lifts my spirits to know that I'm not alone.

"An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last." - Sir Winston Churchill
Sir Winston Churchill

[Spiritual Seeker]

Sobriety is only a step to recovery.
Let him go to a sober living home with a program to work AS part of the condition to live there. Find an affordable one where you finance for two mo. and then he must pay for himself with employment or one that has treatment involved.

Until my son went to a long-term program he was unable to stay sober.
You don't want to be in the position of the enforcer. It will only backfire.

[dgillz]

I do not like the term "relapse contract". That makes me think of what will happen when he relapses - almost as if you are all, as a family, planning on a relapse.

It should be zero tolerance. You relapse, you're gone. Add in a lot of the other rules and boundaries mentioned by others such as working/looking for a job, cleaning up, house rules, etc. and you have a "living here" contract but not a "relapse contract".

In fact a violation of any of your house rules - not just the extreme of relapse - and you should kick him out.

[LeeRoy]

I'm in a similar situation and the most difficult aspect for me is "knowing" when he is using. I posted earlier when my son came home from about 1 month on his own. He is still at home but today he seemed....sedated, sleepy and lethargic and when I spoke to him earlier in the day from my office I felt his voice and interaction with me was dulled if that makes sense. When I asked why he was so "tired" he said he is just bored and napping because he is home alone. I suggested, once again, that he begin to make a plan for himself in order to begin working towards what he says he wants in his future, which for him is to be in college. --- Now what? I hate the indecision that comes with the suspicion and nagging guilt if I am secretly and wrongly accusing him of using when he is just perhaps in withdrawal of a sort and/or depressed with regard to relapsing and living what I assume to be a self-defeating and humiliating experience of mooching off of others because you have nothing. Again I'm asking... now what?

[hello-kitty]

LeeRoy, how old is your son? and what are your boundaries? (Besides using drugs - what kind of behavior do you expect from people who are living in your house?)

I gave up trying to figure out when my ex was high. It exhausted me and I could never be sure... even if he drug tested. Plus, it wasn't about when he was high. It was about being an addict and not doing what it took to get better.

Instead I focused on actions and consequences. I focused on his behavior. It took the pressure off me to look for signs of drug use. It took the pressure off my ex as well. My boundaries were clear.

Please see cynicals list above. Her boundaries are nearly identical to mine. They provide a good road map. Less room for questions and denials.

So when you say "what next". I say "where is your list of boundaries?" and "what are the consequences for violating those boundaries?"

Be sure you are ready to follow through. If youre not, then you only make the problem worse because you teach your son that you are only full of hot air and that your boundaries are fiction.

[tjp613]

Originally Posted by LeeRoy

I suggested, once again, that he begin to make a plan for himself in order to begin working towards what he says he wants in his future, which for him is to be in college. --- Now what? I hate the indecision that comes with the suspicion and nagging guilt if I am secretly and wrongly accusing him of using when he is just perhaps in withdrawal of a sort and/or depressed with regard to relapsing and living what I assume to be a self-defeating and humiliating experience of mooching off of others because you have nothing. Again I'm asking... now what?

YEP! Been there.

I, too, worried about these things while AS was home...but I knew that eventually, if he was using drugs, the truth would come out one way or another. And it did. It didn't take long before he started breaking curfew rules and looking for a job rules and waking before 8:00a rules. It culminated one day in his coming home stinking drunk. The next morning I woke him up and gave him one hour to pack his bags and be out of the house.

And, oh yeah, I definitely kept 'reminding' and 'suggesting to' him that he make plans for school in the fall... go talk to a counselor, get your transcripts in order, pick an area of study, etc.... His complete inaction on these matters showed me his level of commitment which was 'zilch'.

[greeteachday]

Originally Posted by Spiritual Seeker

You don't want to be in the position of the enforcer. It will only backfire.

That's how I felt after being in that position. I made me very unhealthy by assuming that enforcer role. No one asked me to...I just did it naturally since that was what I was used to. I found it much better to support and be a mom from a distance rather than play enforcer (because if she was in my home I couldn't help looking and wondering...is she using...why is she tired, why won't she...) That's why when asked, I encourage the idea of a sober living house rather than having an adult child move back home again.

[coffeedrinker]

LeeRoy,

If your son's head is truly in the right place, one of the conditions of his being at home should be to be totally open to frequent testing. There is a place in my city where you can set up (for instance) weekly testing. The person walks in w/out an appt, pulls a u.a. and they send to you the result. If he balks that would be a sign I would think that he's either not abstaining, or that his attitude is off.

Make your list, give him the alternative (living elsewhere) and remind him that you will support him, but only while he is working it.

[sunshine1980]

Originally Posted by Chino

1) Sobriety
2) Stay out of the kitchen after we go to bed.
3) Keep your bed and bathroom clean and help out around the house, always clean up after yourself
4) Have a job or do volunteer work on a regular basis
5) No visitors or house guests without our permission

Those are my rules. Aside from #1, it's what I'd ask of any adult child living at home.

I'm sorry if this sounds really ignorant but I don't really get the second one? Are they not allowed to eat anything or have a soda after you go to bed? How is that harmful?

The others make perfect sense I just am not sure what you mean by the kitchen one.

[Kelrunran]

You have all summed up EXACTLY how I feel. I'm so thankful for finding this forum!!!! My son is just back from rehab and was hooked on Oxy. I'm feeling kind of stuck and constantly asking all the same questions. Again, I feel like I'm herding a cat - that I'm not sure really cares!

You all are RIGHT, I need to find a sober home for him to live in. I shouldn't have to wonder when he'll find a job or what time I'll have to drive him to his next meeting or when something will go missing from the house. He needs to be responsible and I'm not helping - only enabling. This is tough as a mother but it has only been six days and I'm already tired of it. I do go to al-anon meetings which I'll continue. I am going to find him a place to live.

As for creating a contract - for the last four years I have talked and had things in writing and nothing worked. An alternate living situation is the best and something I haven't tried.

THANK YOU ALL....sometimes, as you all know, it seems lonely and for me, is filled with guilt and I feel trapped! Kel

[sofacat]

Originally Posted by Kelrunran

sometimes, as you all know, it seems lonely and for me, is filled with guilt and I feel trapped! Kel

Having a life you deserve is nothing to feel guilty about. Take Baby steps, "untrap" yourself and know you are never alone!

You are with friends.


sofacat
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
-Sir Winston Churchill

[Kelrunran]

Hi BigBob,
My son and I just met with a counselor today and he also mentioned a contract for living at home. My son has been out of rehab for 1 week and is 21, also addicted to Oxy. The contract is for expectations while living at home, but, he told my son that he had to be very honest and say whether he can really agree with our rules or not. If my son lies just to be agreeable then it can cause him internal conflict and that is not a good place for him to be right now. So tonight we will sit down and write a contract. I’m not entirely sure what it will say but the counselor said that consequences are a big part of it too.
Another interesting thing the counselor said (and somebody posted this as well) is that because he (my son) had been using since the age of 16 or 17 then that is where he is at today; socially and maturity wise etc. He said to my son that he has some things to learn since he is now 21 and one of them is honesty and working things out, like this contract. I’m actually happy to have this confirmed because, honestly, I was feeling like my son should be more responsible etc. then he is so this makes perfect sense.
It is my son’s choice so we are signing him up for an intense out-patient program now. The counselor said he should focus on “sobriety/not-using” first and then finding a job (if that is the case) for at least a couple of months – that is also good to know. I’ll tell you, we are learning a lot.
I wish you the best of luck with your son and look forward to chatting with you. Kel

[Chino]

Originally Posted by sunshine1980

I'm sorry if this sounds really ignorant but I don't really get the second one?

Not ignorant at all. You'd have to know the layout of my house to understand. The master bedroom is off one side of the kitchen and I got tired of being wakened in the middle of the night. It's harmful to our sleep. If a person is quiet as a church mouse, then I'll never know and won't mind

[JMFburns]

Drug test are not all their cracked up to be. Somehow my son went thru a year of UAs passing them all, yet using as well most of that time. Not sure how or what good the test were, but . . . just thought I'd add after reading one of the above posts.