Feeling so weak

[sodetermined]

Hello everyone ~

Alcoholic/addict bf has been gone since Sunday (my choice). I have had very minimal contact with him this week. He called Monday evening wanting to "get together", I said no. I saw him for a minute Wednesday (I had to drop some money off to him that I owed him) and he asked if I wanted to stay. I said no. When he called about the money he told me he was getting a place and need it, which I believe was a ploy to get to me, which worked.

I have been able to keep my emotions under control for most of the week, until today that is.

C tried contacting me here at work yesterday, I didn't answer, and tried hard to resist calling back but caved. Thankfully he wasn't there by the time I did call.

I had some anxiety yesterday, but went through the day, went grocery shopping, even managed to work out last night. I haven't heard from him since.

I had my therapy appt. this morning, it went good and I was feeling pretty strong, but for some reason in the last hour or so I'm just feeling so empty and sad, desperately wanting to talk to him, I miss him, or the old him.

I am trying to remember the bad and how awful he was last week when he was there and crashing from the drugs, I am trying to remember that nothing has changed with him, and also am trying to remember that nothing good would come from talking to him, but I am really struggling with it.

Weekends are usually when we start the cycle again...he calls me (of course wanting to know that I am safely tucked away at home with my son and not out having fun)...and I (feeling lonely and sad and missing him) agree to see him....we get intimate and the cycle starts all over again. I am worried that I will cave.

I don't know what is worse, him not calling at all making me feel as if he doesn't care, or if him calling wanting to see me (or him calling and making me feel bad for "throwing away 4 1/2 years"). I wish I was at the point where my emotions/thoughts had nothing to do with what he is doing or thinking, but I am not.

I am really hurting today, I hate drugs and alcohol.

[rayofsunshine]

Sending (((HUGS))) I know how much it hurts.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

You are doing good. Stay strong. You are giving him his freedom to find recovery.
Let him go. Be prepared he may or may not find it. If you cave, then there's no
chance of anything changing. You've tried that many times, probably, (like we all have) and the results are always the same. It's an endless cycle.

Do something fun with your child, stay busy, and keeping reading and posting. The
feelings to see him will eventually pass.

[lightseeker]

I, too, know how hard it is. It was so hard that I couldn't do it. I've lived a very difficult life though over the last 5 years because I wasn't strong enough to stay away. I'm the poster child of why you should wait until someone is at least one year into sobriety before resuming a relationship with them. I went through early sobriety with my husband and he has stayed clean now for 4 years. However, he has not worked a program to speak of and he has just been a sober drug addict (ie difficult person to be around).

I love what NCGIRL wrote earlier in the week - she's waiting for her body to catch up with her head. She's in a similar situation as you. Remember....feelings will pass as long as you let them. They don't have to be acted on. When you are ready to sever contact you will....you can block people on your phone and computer. As long as you leave avenues for contact to occur they most likely will. I'm definitely not telling you what to do because we are each ready to do whatever we are going to do when we are ready.

Maybe spend some time creating your bottom lines and get around some other people in Alanon or Naranon recovery. That has helped me more than anything else.

Thinking about you!

[outtolunch]

Your child deserves a mom who knows where to draw the line when it comes to an alcoholic, meth addict, cheater and 3 X convict. If you can't do this for yourself, then do it for your child who is learning, at your knee, how to let people treat him or her.

[itisatruth]

I'm sorry you're hurting and hope you are feeling better. People told me a lot when I first came here....baby steps, baby steps....although this step seems more like a good adult-sized step in the right direction, keep doing those things for yourself, keep moving forward. Even though you might not see the progress every day, those steps add up. Don't forget those reasons you have for doing what you're doing, but also try to focus on the positive things you are doing for yourself & your children and the reasons you will be better off for it in the long run.

I had my therapy appt. this morning, it went good and I was feeling pretty strong, but for some reason in the last hour or so I'm just feeling so empty and sad, desperately wanting to talk to him, I miss him, or the old him.

I was thinking about this part and it made me think of a flood. In a flood, to survive, you'd want to hold onto something strong, something that would not fold or buckle and let you drown. You'd want to find a tall & strong tree instead of a flimsy one to save you. It's kind of like your brain and your feelings. Your brain knows the right thing to do - it is logical and a more suitable choice. Feelings, on the other hand, are good for some things, but they are not always the best choice to "hold" onto when making important life decisions, they sway and change. So, hold onto those choices you know are better for you, even though they hurt sometimes.

[BohemiMamaof3]

Originally Posted by rayofsunshine

Sending (((HUGS))) I know how much it hurts.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

You are doing good. Stay strong. You are giving him his freedom to find recovery.
Let him go. Be prepared he may or may not find it. If you cave, then there's no
chance of anything changing. You've tried that many times, probably, (like we all have) and the results are always the same. It's an endless cycle.

Do something fun with your child, stay busy, and keeping reading and posting. The
feelings to see him will eventually pass.

I agree with what ray said. Remember this post/thread (HOW TO HAVE FUN ...WHEN YOU REALLY DON'T FEEL LIKE IT).

((hugs))

[sodetermined]

I was thinking about this part and it made me think of a flood. In a flood, to survive, you'd want to hold onto something strong, something that would not fold or buckle and let you drown. You'd want to find a tall & strong tree instead of a flimsy one to save you. It's kind of like your brain and your feelings. Your brain knows the right thing to do - it is logical and a more suitable choice. Feelings, on the other hand, are good for some things, but they are not always the best choice to "hold" onto when making important life decisions, they sway and change. So, hold onto those choices you know are better for you, even though they hurt sometimes.
__________________

Itisatruth, this makes a lot of sense to me...and there is definitely a lot of truth to it.

Feeling a bit better today, although having some anxiety. My moods seem to be all over the place right now, I sort of feel scared because when "those" moods hit it just comes on so strong and I feel like I'm losing control of my emotions, and it becomes such a struggle to stay strong.

I never heard from Chris last night, which makes me wonder. I wonder where he is, what he's doing, but I guess that is better than waking up with him and either 1) dealing with the grouchy, tired, coming down addict or 2) feeling sad and alone because he's rushing off to chase the next high.

[tjp613]

Originally Posted by sodetermined

I never heard from Chris last night, which makes me wonder. I wonder where he is, what he's doing, but I guess that is better than waking up with him and either 1) dealing with the grouchy, tired, coming down addict or 2) feeling sad and alone because he's rushing off to chase the next high.

Yes, it is 1000x better.

Go get a pedicure today!!