Codie Frenzy

[cassandra2]

Ok so I slipped. I felt really bad about it last night and now I am hear telling on myself in hopes of stopping the regression and getting back to progression.

My RABF was suppose to come to my house last night and spend some well needed time with me and the kids. Because of his work schedule and school schedule he doesnt have alot of extra time during the week. So the plan was that I was going to my poll dancing class and he would come spend time with the kids while I was gone. He had told me that he was going to get his car stereo installed and be at my house when he was done.

So after my class let out I dropped my friend off and headed home. Thinking he would be at my house. Nope. I pulled into my driveway and he wasnt there. So I picked up the phone to call him and he did NOT answer his phone. Suddenly I was angry. I mean really angry. Then I started thinking (spinning) and I really tried to address it with myself asking myself why I was angry. I was angry because he wasnt where he said he would be. Ok good now why does that bother you and then started the thoughts that he never has not answered his phone since he has been clean. That was it. The anger I felt was because I had no control and I was scared to death that he was using.

But I still couldnt hold my self together. I got all panicky and started magical thinking with all of these terrible thoughts. After twenty minutes when I was just about to lose it I sent him a text. He answered and I immediately called him because I wanted to hear his voice.

Well low and behold him and his friend decided that installing a stereo would be easy. It took them four hours and not only that but they broke the stereo in the mean time. When I was talking with him he was kinda irriatated and he said he was upset about the stereo. He would be over in a bit.

Ok so fellow codies....Why is it that I couldnt have thought there was a rational explanation for him not answering the phone or him not being at my house? Why instead did I chose to go with the fear and panic and worst case scenerio.

I believe I still have some things to work on. I think this is a control issue at the root.

Any ideas, feedback?

[rayofsunshine]

I'm not sure about the control issue.... others will be along to comment on that.

My thoughts are ... he made plans... after a while of working on the stereo, he
should have been aware he wasn't going to make it over when he said, so a courtesy
call should have been made by him. This is how it works in the "normal" world. I lived
this, too, and know it doesn't work this way in the addict world. Their reasoning is
a little off.... That being said, HIS actions caused fear/panic reaction in you which
most likely, considering his history would usually indicate he was out using.
No expections may be key...

[cassandra2]

I just feel drained and ashamed that I slid back like that. Today I feel like isolating myself and just being in my own little world. I am so disappointed in myself.

I want to detach from the idea that his actions caused this. I instead want to get to a place where his actions are just that his actions and I chose how I will react or not react. I dont want to be in a place where someone elses actions affect me in such a way.

[ncgirl]

I understand what it feels like when the codie in me hijacks my serenity. It does not even take a second for it to kick in. The "it" being the insanity of feeling "out of control". For me, this occurs when the addict lies to me, and I find out. My world tips over and I get reactive. If I don't hold it together, I get reactive with him, which is never a good thing.
Please don't beat yourself up. We are programmed. We are "addicted" to the addict. I will share one of my more disgusting stories with you: The addict came to my house late at night and said he needed $10 to buy ice cream for his kids. I gave him the money. The next morning, I did not hear from him. I called his kids cell and they told me they found a pipe and their dad was sleeping. They were with their mom at the time. I drove over there. The door was open and I walked in and found the pipe. CH was asleep and I woke him up and asked him how the ice cream was. The immediately confronted him with the pipe, THEN I took a hammer and went to the 32 inch tv I just bought him and shattered the screen, screaming that he was not going to give away the TV for drugs. Then I walked out. Great behavior, huh. In retrospect, I should have stayed away and let the consequences fall. In retrospect, I should not react. In reality, I do react. That is why no contact is the only way I can get through active addiction. Even on those rare occassions when my gut was wrong, and he was fixing the stereo, or doing something benign, my insides still react and it is not healthy for me. The addict stops when the pain of using is worse than the pain of trying to be and stay clean. For me, the pain of being around him in active addiction is too great. It makes me crazy. He does not make me crazy, my codie triggers make me crazy. I feel one inch big. If I were only ???? or ?????, then he would not have to use. Why am I not???whatever? Guess what, I am not his problem. he is his problem and nothing I do will affect his using EXCEPT is I mind my own business and stay out of his, then maybe, just maybe, the isolation of using/drinking and losing every human being in his life, might motivate him to try to change. I doubt it, but it is not worth it for me to watch anymore.
You are not alone. Wish I could give you a hug in person.

NC Girl

[Chino]

Originally Posted by rayofsunshine

No expections may be key...

First I accepted that I could not depend on my daughter, then I decided I would not in any of my personal relationships. A lot of resentment has been removed from my life because of this. There are people in my life who are very dependable but they do have their own lives, and sometimes our timing is off, stuff happens.

[outonalimb]

No expectations. Yep. thats the key to preventing resentment and anger.

But I have something else to say about this topic.

I agree with rayofsunshine. Your bf said he would be there and he wasn't. He wasn't thoughtful enough to call and say his plans had changed.
Why aren't you allowed to be angry without feeling like you slipped?
Why aren't we allowed to have normal feelings and reactions? Why do we think that a perfectly human reaction to this rudeness makes us weak and wrong?

I think its great that you recognized the event as a trigger. If you can learn not to rely on anything he says or does, your life will be much more peacful. If there is a lesson to learn, I think that is it.

But really...
Your anger was justified.
It doesn't sound like a control issue to me but a normal, healthy reaction to yet another selfish action of an addict.

I think you're doing great. I do.
I hope you stop isolating and beating yourself up over this. Maybe a better question is why we codies have to always assume our reaction is about control when its really legitimate anger/disappointment/ or whatever the case may be.

Hugs...

[MrsMagoo]

We have triggers too.

[Daisy09]

Originally Posted by outonalimb

Your bf said he would be there and he wasn't. He wasn't thoughtful enough to call and say his plans had changed.
Why aren't you allowed to be angry without feeling like you slipped?
Why aren't we allowed to have normal feelings and reactions? Why do we think that a perfectly human reaction to this rudeness makes us weak and wrong?

But really...
Your anger was justified.
It doesn't sound like a control issue to me but a normal, healthy reaction to yet another selfish action of an addict.

Thanks, OOL, I was thinking exactly the same thing. If someone else, say a friend from work or something, who had absolutely no addiction issues and was certainly not someone with whom you were "codependent" had blown you off in the same way, would you have been angry? Of course you would. And you'd be perfectly entitled to be angry. So stop getting so down on yourself like you're wrong to get offended or upset about anything your loved one does. You're perfectly entitled to get annoyed with people - we all do

[outtolunch]

Were the kids home alone? I am sorry, I do not remember the age of your oldest child.

[hello-kitty]

If I make plans with a person and then that person no-show-no-calls, I no longer make plans with that person.

I respect others. I deserve that same respect from others.

For me, it's not about control. It's all about boundaries.

[cassandra2]

Originally Posted by outtolunch

Were the kids home alone? I am sorry, I do not remember the age of your oldest child.

Yes, they were home alone my oldest will b 15 in two months.

[outtolunch]

Originally Posted by cassandra2

Yes, they were home alone my oldest will b 15 in two months.

So , no harm done....

Who amongst us has not occasionally gotten caught up in something and ended up not being where we said we were going to be, when we said we would be there?

And oftentimes, people become very concerrned about the person MIA.

It happens and has nothing to do with addiction. When there is a pattern of unreliability, it's time to invoke the boundaries.

[cassandra2]

Ok so thanks for your responses. But I really do believe it is a codie issue of control. Why you ask?

Because this is the first time that this has happened since he has been clean. I was angry when I realized that I didnt have any control over the situation. I was angry that he didnt answer the phone. That is why I had the overwhelming desire to HEAR his voice.

When he finally did come to my house he apologized and said that he didnt realize that installing his stereo would take as long as it did. He didnt think to call because he was so upset over breaking the stereo when he thought he could handle the install. He didnt do a no show he did show up just not when I wanted him to. There was no set time that he was suppose to be here. I was angry because he wasnt there when I thought he should be there.

I have been working really hard on recognizing my control issues and working on how to stop doing that. So I was really surprised that I got so angry over this.

Is being upset with someone because they didnt show when you thought they were gonna show up normal? Yes, I am sure it is. But is being angry to the point of feeling yourself be out of control normal? HECK NO. So I dont think my anger was justified. Atleast not the instensity it was.

I am trying to get to the point where other peoples actions dont affect me so negatively. I believe that that is healthy.

[Ann]

Mrs. Magoo nailed it for me,

My son has been missing for over 5 years, so I haven't had to deal with any of that for a long time now.

But I am STILL triggered when someone isn't where they say there will be when they say they will be there. I'm aware of this trigger and try to do something about it. Mostly I just have to talk myself out of it.

But I also agree with Limb and others who suggested that the responsible thing for him to do would have been to call you and tell you he had been delayed.

Hugs

[megan09]

I think that it is good that you are looking at your reaction to it all, but I agree that BF has some responsibility too; he should have phoned and said he would be late. Not turning up on time for a person shows disrespect to that person. My ex ABF did this to me many, many times and always blamed me for the anxiety I suffered, but it is and was a natural reaction to an addicts behaviour. Recovering addicts accept that it takes time to earn the trust of those they have harmed while active in addiction.

[outtolunch]

Originally Posted by cassandra2

He didnt do a no show he did show up just not when I wanted him to. There was no set time that he was suppose to be here. I was angry because he wasnt there when I thought he should be there.

I/we misunderstood.

He wasn't where you wanted him to be...which has nothing to do with him and all to do with your own control issue. No doubt your own processing of his addiction issues fed it to the point of explosion.

That awfulizing the unknown part gets the better of us, unless we catch it and talk ourselves down.

[cassandra2]

[QUOTE=outtolunch;2424160]He wasn't where you wanted him to be...which has nothing to do with him and all to do with your own control issue. No doubt your own processing of his addiction issues fed it to the point of explosion.
QUOTE]

You hit the nail on the head. He wasnt doing what I wanted him to do and I was angry. This is indeed a control issue.

So I think that with attempting to change myself and get healthy I have spotted the control and am working on it daily, sometimes moment by moment but I have NO IDEA what to replace it with.

I have stripped that away and did not replace it with something else (something healthy) so because I didnt replace it with something I went right back into my old pattern. So I am looking now for ways to replace that old behavior. I tried to talk myself out of it but that didnt work so well.

So for now I will be looking for ways to redirect this desire to control.

[BohemiMamaof3]

Originally Posted by cassandra2

So the plan was that I was going to my poll dancing class...

Originally Posted by cassandra2

I have stripped that away and did not replace it with something else...

Sorry couldn't resist. I read this thread and that made me laugh a little when I got to your last reply.

[itisatruth]

Pole dancing? How's that going?? Oops, off-topic, sorry.

(This is under the assumption that he was late, not absent from your plans. Yes, I know what they say about assuming.)

Addicts don't have a monopoly on being tardy. There have been many times I've told my husband I'd be home soon....as soon as I finish ________, I'll be home. Then, before I know it, he's calling and asking "Where are you, I thought you were coming home??" I say, "Yeah, but I'm not done. I'm not getting as much done as I thought. Sorry." I work on salary.

Now, on the other hand, he rarely works overtime. He works on the clock. A few months ago, he was about 20 minutes late coming home. Immediately I panicked. He's using. He's out doing God knows what. He's in the hospital. He's in jail. I fell back into it so easily, so fast. (Although, my thinking was more clear about what I'd have to do if it was true.)

Turns out, higher up bosses were visiting his business that next day and he really wanted the place to look good, he really wanted to make his boss happy because of all the chaos he caused before.

So, we talked about it. I was able to explain why it hit such a nerve. I shared some of the memories he doesn't remember because he was on pills. He understood and said he would be more aware of this and always call if he was going to be late, even 10 minutes. So far, he has followed through. Yes, being on time is an adult trait. He is re-learning better habits in his recovery.

Yes, it's respectful to treat someone with the dignity of a call. I am learning to expect that respect. I understand why you feel control issues. In an ideal world, to be safe, to feel safe, we want to control what happens. You both agreed he should be there and gosh darn it, he should be there. Because it was the "control" you had in the situation. But control, true control, is only within. He made a poor choice. Because of his history, trust isn't there.

Discuss your boundaries on this. Decide what you need in this type of situation and go from there. I completely understand where you're coming from on this....

[Abundance]

Truth. that was funny! Fortunately I swallowed my beverage; otherwise, my screen would be covered!

But seriously... how is that working out for you? I've been thinking of taking some classes myself!

But then I remember this video: YouTube - Pole Dancing Gone Bad

lol

Anywho... Cassandra. I've been really enjoying your threads because HAD my x been in recovery and stayed sober...... I can totally relate.

Communication really is so key... and I think you are doing a really good job!

I give you many accolades for working your recovery just as he is!

Everyone gave some really good feedback and I can't really add anything to it. But I just had to post cause Truth had me cracking me up!

[cessy68]

I don't know about this being a 'codie' relapse.

Bottom line is do what you say you are going to do...... I don't know of ANY man that I dated, (or married) that if I wern't where I said I was going to be, wouldn't be pissed.

Or my parents, or my kids.etc............

So, if he didn't do what he said he was going to do.... what's wrong w/being angry. It's disrespectful, and inconciderate. Simply put, he could pick up the phone and say "im running late", just as you would call into work, if you were going to be late. It's called responsibility.

Apparently he dosen't feel obligated to do those things..... and I think that's upsetting to you. Not everything has to be because YOU are so ill, as a 'codie'. Jmo.

Love,
Cess

[outtolunch]

Originally Posted by cessy68

I don't know about this being a 'codie' relapse.

My own codependency was rooted in the mistaken belief I could control my daughter and her choices and fix her, cause lord knows, this mama knows best. While I am unable to completely shake the mama knows best stuff, I have accepted that I cannot fix or control her and do my best zip the lip and let her figure it out.

If she is going to relapse again, that's her choice and she is going to do this or not, regardless of what I say or do, or not. It's my mantra.

[Gypsy Feet]

I think you did fine honey. When I left my (ex), he kept some of our 4 legged children. He loves them all as much as I do. One of the dogs got sick last month, I couldn't be there to see how she was doing, he didn't take her to the vet as fast as I would have, and then he thought I spoke to the vet about how she was, so he didn't call me.

Epic meltdown on my part. I spent an entire day climbing the walls. Turns out the dog is fine, and with her so far away, I just have to let go and trust, which is so hard to do. If she got sick today I would remember he took care of it last time (maybe), but the hurt of not being there would still happen.

We are allowed to get upset=) Any "normal" person would be, and even if it had been a codie relapse, we are always after progress not perfection right?

[Chino]

Originally Posted by cassandra2

So for now I will be looking for ways to redirect this desire to control.

I had to work on controlling myself first, by doing something with the anger. Anger will always be my first response to threats, real or imagined. Once that initial adrenaline surge gets moving, I have a very brief moment to direct it before it's out of control and I am too. I have to do something with the adrenaline or it continues to produce, just racing around inside my body, driving me crazy. The more I work on controlling my responses, the less I try to control others.

[Impurrfect]

(((Cass))) - I'm coming from the other side. With over 2-1/2 years clean, if I don't answer my phone when my dad/stepmom calls and don't call back within a reasonable amount of time (10 minutes?) they are worried...moreso, depending on where I am. If I were to be anywhere NEAR the town where I used, they would panic.

I know this, and I understand it. I make sure that I always call back, even if I'm at work, busy and can only say "I'm busy, is this an emergency or can I call you back?" This, to me, is part of my consequences of "disappearing" when I relapsed and even though sometimes I feel like a little kid, checking in, it's okay.

To me, it's about respect. I expect the same from my dad when he is on the road, because I worry about him.

I understand why you reacted the way you did. My XABF never wanted to get clean, but I realized that even if he did, I would be always in a panic if he didn't answer the phone or do what he was supposed to do one day, and for me, I couldn't do it. Many people can, but they probably had a much stronger relationship to start with

Hugs and prayers!

Amy