Brother in distress.. what to do?

[shauntennine]

Hello everyone. This is my first post at sober recovery, and its not regarding myself. Although i am not sober by any measure possible, this post is mainly about my brother. I dont even know where to start. Im gonna come off looking like an idiot for some of the things i will say, looking niave for a lot more things, and looking like a bad brother for everything else.

I dont even know when it started. These Oxycontin pills are everywhere. Ive heard the term "white mans crack" to describe them from more than one person, and that basically sums up what these pills are to our society. They are the every-mans drug nowadays. Unfortunately, "Everyman" doesnt exclude my brother or I.

Im 21 and my brother is 23. A few months ago (maybe as many as 6-8), we both seperately started messing with Oxy 30's, even though ive known (and been really good friends with) people who were messing with them looong ago. We kinda kept it secret from each other, not usually asking each other for contacts to get them, never doing them together. But we both knew what was going on, or at least i did. Then, about 4 months ago my brothers best friend (whom he worked with at the time) lost his job because he couldnt function without Oxy's. They had worked together for almost 2 years, and known each other for much longer. Jon told me about his friends situation, and how he was all messed up and now had lost his job. We both joked about it, but it didnt mean much to us (or at least to me, because i thought i would never be hooked on them). I cant say the same for my brother Jon.

This life moves so fast and now things have progressed. In the past few months, i have slowly watched, and profited from, my brothers growing habit. I knew he was getting deeper and deeper into it, but i didnt stop him. He is terrible with money and borrows from me on occasion. But i am not terrible with money and when he borrows from me i make a contract and make him sign, which he rarely honors. My contracts entitle me to extra money if his payment is late or non existent. Ive probably made $200-$300 from him in the past few months, which I in turn had no problem spending on Oxy's because i felt it was money easily earned.

About 2 months ago, my sister (who is much older and lives on her own ofcourse) had a huge bottle of lortabs come up missing when only Jon was in proximity or could have possibly taken them. Sure enough, a few weeks later, he's trying to hawk lortabs to me for ridiculously cheep, out of the same bottle she described to me (girthy-er than a regular pill bottle). My mothers sister came to town a week or so later, and had her "pain medication" come up missing. That whole fiasco was blamed on me because its Jons real mother, and only my step mother, so naturally they suspected me before him. Whatever.

Durring all of this, he was living at home. We were actually sharing a room. But to allow him to move back in (he had previously been on his own), he had to agree that my parents would handle his money. Well its been coming up short, and he has new people that he owes money to every pay check, so they grew suspicious. I even expressed my concerns, when asked, that he was spending money on drugs. Apparently our (his) mother took my words lightly and chose to believe his over mine. Whatever again.

He proved he will steal from family, and he is constantly behind on payments for everything. Everytime i talk to him, he needs money for "gas and stuff" like wtf. He called me last night and told me how he received a check from his grandfather for $200 but couldnt cash it. If i give him $80, he will give me $100 tomorrow. How do i turn that down? Well i didnt. Crazy enough, he came over tonight with the hundred dollars, but immediately asked to borrow $20 more until next paycheck. The $20 was basically given to me for fronting him $80 for one day, so how do i say no to that? Two contracts in two days? You bet.

All of this, the day after i ran out of about a 10-pill, oxy supply. These things freaking suck. I was a sloth today at work. Im in college and have homework to do but i havent felt like doing ANYTHING all day. All because i dont have any of those pills. I made it through today without calling anyone or inquiring to buy them from anyone, and i hadnt planned on it. Thats what led me here. I googled "oxy addiction". After reading a few of you guys' stories, i dont ever want to buy another one of them. I feel empowerd, just by making that decision. But my brother is in trouble. It has probably been months since he went a day without them.... and partly because im an idiot and fell for his stupid 'i need money' schemes. Now he owes me $20 on the 13th.

He has dropped out of the fire acadamy, and now says he is joining the military in february. I think the military is his plot to get off the pills, really. I dont know what else to do except not loan him money. Whatever. After i get my $20, Im not gonna loan him a single red cent. I dont know..

[BohemiMamaof3]

Hi Shaunt and welcome to SR. I also have and addict brother, mine is 38 and has a long-standing addiction to crack and alcohol, but he has been known to steal pain meds.

I hope you get some help for yourself a.s.a.p., you have just made an important first step by looking for info and help! Please stick around and read, especially the "stickies." This place has helped me so much!

[cessy68]

I think your post belongs in the substance abuse section. Just my opinion. You are an addict, and I think that you should be posting there about you and your brothers addiction. You can't help him, when you are an addict. Even us NON addicts, can not help OUR addicts.

Regards, and good luck on your search for help....
Cess

[incitingsilence]

First, the question should be asked are you an addict, no one can tell you if you are, only you can….

All that you have written is what I see as a natural progression of the disease, he moved faster and in deeper but that doesn’t mean you are any better off that him. You got some comparing out going on and honestly you need to get you together before you even can begin to be of a help….

And also in a way you are using him like most codependents use their addicted family members….a comparing out as well, because look they are sick, as if those watching are all that healthy…

This will be as simple or as complicated as you make it.
And at this point you can’t be of any help for him cause you need to help you first and hell and even after, helping is more of a what not to do for, not a what to do for because he is quite capable of helping himself….
Not giving or loaning any money is one of the best gifts you can give your brother right now. You don’t need to help him stay sick he can do that all on his own if he chooses just as he can get well.
Do not lie cover or make excuses for him yet there no need to point out the obvious to those around they will only see it if they want to anyway….but then know chaos could/would ensue , addiction doesn’t thrive so well without it….
If you want to help him then that basically means you don’t perpetuate his disease, you don’t use it for your personal gain, you don’t use it stop you from seeing your truth, or to look better in another’s eyes.

Hopefully you will stick around, share your story on the substance abuse board. You are young and time is on your side right in this moment…

And share here if you need to as well, watching the one we love wrapped in their addiction isn’t all that easy, get as much support as you can for you.

[keepstrong]

To be honest shaun, you're in denial, you're deep, maybe not as bad as he is, except you're "cooler" about it. I'm trying to bite my tongue here because I've been both you and him before, but don't you think it's pretty sick behavior to take money from your own brother and feed his obviously worsening habit too? Your brother is getting sick shaun and it's only going to get worse.

I've lost an uncle, seen countless friends and other family members go down, had an ex lose her own ex, my ex go insane herself, all of them lost their happiness and seen their well being and futures shattered by addiction.

All the awhile they'd shouted from the top of the mountain "It won't happen to me!" For those who didn't get out, it became "I can't believe it happened to me!"

You want your brother to get better shaun? Set an example, and be a good set of footsteps to follow... get better yourself! It may not change him, but it might help pave the way.

The only reason I'm getting better over time is because I hit absolute rock bottom a few times, I had family and friends that believed in me, and I cared enough to demand and seek the help I needed.

Keep reading, this is very supportive, great forum here full of wonderful people!!

[Learn2Live]

Here's some "tough love" for you shaun:

Now that you're done trashing your brother and "provin' it" with all these stories of what he has done, now that you're feeling better about yourself because you don't have a problem and are done with the pills, open your eyes and go to N.A.

Your brother is not the problem. Your addiction is. Stop pointing your finger cause you got four more pointing back at you.

Peace. I hope you get the help you need.

[teke]

hi shawn, welcome. sorry to hear about your brother. i agree that there is nothing you can do to make him want to stop but you can stop giving him money to buy the drugs. i lost my brother to addiction but i decided that i was not gonna help him kill himself by giving him my money that i knew he would only spend to supply his habit.

im sorry but i do agree with some of the others. i have concerns for you too. i'm sure your brother did not set out to become addicted but it happened. addiction is so cunning and baffling. i'm a recovering addict and i thought i could handle doing a little bit of drugs and then stop when i got ready but when i thought i was finally ready to stop, i found that i couldn't do it with help.

i think it would be a good idea for you to attend a few aa or na meetings. i'm sure you will find others that started out to same as you. i understand that you have decided not to use again but keep this in mind because for a lot of us addicts, its not as easy as they say. its very hard when faced with opportunity, to 'JUST SAY NO".

I also agree that with you setting example for your brother, he may/may not realize how far his addiction has progressed. try to keep the focus on you. you and your brother are in my prayers.

[shauntennine]

thank you all for the replys. I feel a whole lot better, just a few days later. I must have really been addicted to those things, because the last few days have realy sucked.. to be honest, i only made it through with the help of a bag of weed. keep in mind im not on a mission to make myself clean, i just saw the road i was going on and decided to hit the brakes. I have been offered oxys both yesterday and today (today at a really cheap price) and both times, i have declined. really, im not at all interested in doing those things again. too good, too fun, too much money, too many consequences.

as for my brother, im gonna get my 20 bucks on the 13th and not lend him any more. thats easier said than done though. he is good at lying and making me feel guilty for not lending him money, and its not like i set out to make money on him, but i do things to protect myself from getting scammed out of a bunch of money. once again, i thank you all for the time and reply.