URMYEVERYTHING

I posted this thread in the relationships forum but I'm thinking I would get more of a response in this forum as I know you guys give it like it is. I need your feedback.... read below.

Hello All,
I need some feedback from some of you out there that may be in the similiar situation. Just briefly, my RBF and I met in March 2008 and have been dating since then. When we met, he was sober with 5 years clean. He told me, on our first date actually, that he was in recovery and that his DOC was Heroin. I admired him for this amungst other qualities. Well, we maintained a good relationship with each other until he relapsed in November 2008. Since then it has been a downward spiral of events. In the midst of him trying to get drugs, he was pulled over and taken into jail for a VOP that he did not handle from 10 years ago. He served 6 months and was released in July 2009. Well, we had a good month until he relapsed in August, using 1 week until I caught him and kicked him out of the house. He has been in rehab since August 19th.

Just to give you some background as well, yes, I have set up boundaries and yes I go to meetings, read books on addiction and I'm a therapist who works with adolescents who suffer co-occurring disorders. So, I know what I need to do in reference to setting up boundaries and taking care of myself and my son which most of you in here now I have.

I guess, my question is what are your experiences in maintaining a relationship after you have already been dating for some time with an addict who is seeking recovery? I know they say no new relationships within your first year of sobriety but this is obviously a relationship we started prior to his relapses and while he was in sobriety. WE both want to remain together and he has signed us up for family therapy to work through the relapse behaviors, anger, etc., etc.

Any feedback would help. I had a rough day yesterday on if I should stay or not. He is working his program, his counselor gives me good feedback on him, he keeps in touch through letters (because I'm not buying calling cards and not accepting collect calls-- yeah for me), he has accepted the work that he needs to put into his recovery and is doing very well.

I, on the other hand, struggle day to day with missing him. I also wanted to know what support can I be to him at this time. Where does our relationship stand in terms of if it's a matter of splitting up and hooking back up again later or stay together? This is weird. Definitely not a typical relationship (if there ever is one). If he had a limb cut off by a tragic accident it surely would change our world but would I even consider these same thoughts of leaving him? Not likely. UUUGGGHHH!

Oh, to add, you will probably ask me what attracted me to this man. Well, he was employed as a counselor, had his own place, his own car, responsible, good credit (at that time after years of rebuilding it), his co-workers respected him, his upfront honesty and his loving nature. I was able to experience all of this with him and in 2 months it was all gone. I know there is a thing called fantasy thinking... but.... I was able to experience part of that fantasy and, boy, do I miss that man. I guess I am praying that he returns to this man and I do believe in hope and prayer.

teke

as you can see, relapse can happen at any time and without notice. its up to you whether you want a life like this for the long haul or not. probably what you've seen is what you gonna get. just my opinion.

IPT

man that would be tough. I had some good fantasy stuff too but it wasn't as strong as what you had. One thing I have read here over and over again is that they can slip at any time. It would be really hard to let go of the good times and the idea that he could get back there...AND STAY THERE.

Can you be at peace with the idea that no matter how many years go by it could all dissapear again? That there is a risk with him that he could relapse and never come back? There are people out there that are healthy and do not have that risk attached to them.

Tough questions...I am out of my relationship but it was not without tremendous stuggle, dissapointments, and difficulty. Primamry they were letting go of the dream and fantasy I created...not the reality. Sounds like you had a pretty good reality fo a while (better then mine), but as I am sure someone will point it...that reality has changed.

URMYEVERYTHING

I can be at peace IF a relapse happens again in say 10, 12, 13, etc. years. I think I have resolved to our relationship being what it is and that there will not be a point in which we will live together. I have always been a woman that saves and has my own money to get out of tough situations. I'm also a woman that is okay with living with my son and not having a man living with me. At this point, he will need his own place and be in it for awhile. If WE want to live together in the future, he will have to furnish the place and put it solely in his name. So, in the event he does ever relapse, it's on him. I'm out with a plan. I realize the risk, however, I was married prior to dating him. This was with a man that had no addiction issues but was completely emotionally detached after the birth of our son. We ended in divorce. There are never any guarantees even with two couples who don't have addiction in the equation. The way that it's said on here sometimes is that addicts (in recovery) aren't capable of getting close with others because of their fear of relapse. I could have this same fear with any man (fear of cheating, fear of depression, fear of a new addiction due to circumstances).

What about basing relationships off of what they are for the moment? Addiction in a relationship doesn't always have to mean the last of it. Doesn't almost mean it can't be prepared. Aren't there couples out there that have had addiction issues and are living in recovery with lots of sobriety under their belt? Sure. There are couples who live and lose their spouse without warning. There are couples who lost their spouse to illness. In this sense can't we say that nothing is guaranteed in terms of relationships?

lexington

thanks for the story, and thanks for what you said above, about the fantasy. I posted a story in which the same pattern happened - a short period of having a wonderful man, followed by a series of major relapses. did he make you feel that somehow the relapses were your fault? because that's what mine did.

But I digress. I think that the problem with the 'fantasy' man you speak of is that your partner is not really that person, or that he feels - deep down inside - that that 'perfect' version of himself is unsustainable without the aid of drugs. Maybe he hasn't figured out who he really is, or he is afraid that he won't be accepted, flaws and all. I'm no expert on the subject; that's just my gut reaction from reading your story which is similar to my own.

Best of luck...

sleepygoat

For whatever its worth:
I'm was in recovery 3 yrs when I met my husband who is NOT an addict. We got married. I relapsed a year or two later. Got clean again and now have 5yrs clean. My husband says he can never fully trust me and he would never have married an addict had he known how prevalent relapse really is. He's gotten quite an education, between me and my AD (his stepdaughter - active addict). However, we are fine for the most part, and have a good relationship, and he is glad he stayed and feels I am a good risk now given the 5+ years and the recovery program I work. We both know this is not typical. Recovery is not typical, truth be told. But its up to you. Give him a chance? Sure, but keep your eyes open!

Envelope

Hi there,

Ok, this is what I think. You have set your boundries, stick to it, for your childs sake. This is not a great example for a kid. You are responsible for yourself and for your child too, so protect this!
This man is responsible for himself. He is not mindfull of what this has done to you, and continuing to relaps will put you through hell!

If you want to continue, then he needs to be put on a project - a project to repair and proove himself. Go back to the basics, you cant pick up from where you left prior to relaps. Task him to become more involved and be a better example to your child. Would he want your child to go through what he is going through - of coarse not. He needs purpose and should find it within himself and give to others, which includes you.

Im no expert, but having purpose makes life a little easier. It will iradicate helplessness and feeling alone.You should also try it. What is your purpose in life? Focus on it and you will feel much better.

You can do this. Take it one day at a time!!

URMYEVERYTHING

He has never made me feel it was my fault. Because he worked in the field and had 5 years sober and has worked programs before he always accepted responsibility for his relapses. He is able to identify his own triggers to relapse ("getting too comfortable in my sobriety, thinking I could live like others, not working the program" "doing things my way instead of what works.")

With me being in the field also, I knew it wasn't my fault for his relapses. I also told him what my priorities were (me and my son) and he falls second to that. Sounds harsh but that's the reality.

Thanks for your feedback. It's always good to hear another's perspective.

URMYEVERYTHING

Thanks for this sleepygoat. It just gets hard some days. Our routines of how we were are broken (going to stores together, dinners, time with our children, etc.). It's difficult because he was a great man with our children when sober and he was an awesome man to me. He wants recovery and his actions are speaking louder than words now. It's just a waiting game as it always is with addiction and recovery.

URMYEVERYTHING

This is true... he did run out of options but isn't that usually the case to an addict getting clean? Some just don't wake up and say "Wow, I need to change today" without feeling consequences and/or their back up against the wall.

YOu are right... It is a LONG journey to prove to himself first that he can recover and then to me.... it's the waiting which is killing me. I guess like an addict gets impatient with the snail pace of progress so do the spouses/children.

I am focusing on myself for sure and my child all the time. It's just hard when you walk into public and you see functioning couples. I guess that day I had seen too much and became overwhelmed. Then again, I have to tell myself that because I see these images don't always mean they have a peachy and comfortable little relationship.

URMYEVERYTHING

You are so right. He needs to find his own purpose. Right now he feels like **** and no one wants to be bothered by him. He has said in the last visit with him that he needs to make amends to his ex wife for not being there for their child as he should have (something he's never done before). He is more focused on what's important. Good sign. Keep fingers crossed.

As far as my purpose... I have a supportive family, awesome son, good job, and a single mother that can't really complain. I have my stuff together. With or without him, I'm fabulous and in a comfortable position. My purpose is to not have that life I have built for myself disrupted. My purpose is to preserve that.

ThirteenYears

I don't mean to sound sexist but like URMYEVERYTHING said in her OP in red, we do shoot it from the hip in this forum!! I think women tend to do better with their attempts at maintaining their recovery then men do, so I am not surprised at all to hear you have 5 years clean, which is WONDERFUL in my book, so CONGRATULATIONS on that.

hello-kitty

From your responses to the posters who responded to your OP, it sounds like you are fine with the way things are, comfortable with the fact that relapse is possible and not worried that he is going to be a negative influence on your son.

It sounds like you are doing exactly what you need to do to make sure things work out with him while he is in rehab and even 10 years from now.

So I'm curious, why do you ask the question? Because you seem to have all the answers. And I would expect that, since you are a professional and all.

I'm sure he'll be fine when he gets out. Afterall he was clean for 5 years before this relapse. And he's a professional too.

Definitely keep us posted on how this all works out. It could be really inspiring to most of the people who post on this website and aren't so lucky as you and your boyfriend. When is he scheduled to get out of rehab?

URMYEVERYTHING

I'm asking because even though we have the same struggles as other couples on here.... I'm just venting out what is exactly going on in my head. The thoughts are back and forth of to stay or not. I know I can ultimately make this decision it's just hard some days to get through. I, too, have to battle not falling back into some behaviors I exhibited (helping, etc.), Even though we both are professionals (which helps) we still experience the same dynamics as everyone else on here. The lack of trust, the waiting, the hopelessness or waiting on the hope to fall through. The questions of will we stay together, will I put up with his crap through all of this or hang in there (as he says), etc. It's an emotional war some days and I need to come here and just run them by my fellow co-addicts and also gain the perspective from recovering addicts.

I know there are no guarantees but so far we both have the tools to make this relationship remain for now and sustain our sanity through these relapses. It's been hell, but he is also accepting of getting help. I wouldn't be here in this capacity if he chose to remain in active addiction. That would be a done deal for sure. I have experienced relapses with him but if I total them up, I experienced him in 2 mos. and 1 week of active addiction. Yep, it was a revolving door of detox, get out, get stubborn, him thinking HE knew what was best, relapse, detox, and on and on but he has proven that he is trying his best to overcome this as he did 5 years ago.

Thanks for your feedback. I will keep you posted on this. Possibly it can help others no matter what the outcome may be.

I'm going to an Alanon meeting tonight to vent some more.

hello-kitty

I think that sounds promising. Life holds no guarantees. The only thing constant is change. I'm sure you'll know where his head is shortly after he gets out of rehab.

No need to figure everything out today. I try to take it one day at a time. My plate is full enough with things I have to take care of today. I try to let tomorrow take care of itself.

URMYEVERYTHING

That's my biggest downfall. Living one day at a time. I have always been a planner and pretty much planned out my whole life from when I got my degrees, etc. I'm still learning that when you bring someone else into your life, minus an addiction problem, you have to go at a new pace other then your own. Now, adding addiction to it, puts it at a completely different pace all on it's own.

URMYEVERYTHING

Oh, heck no! He has already said that in order for him to be a responsible man and father to his own child, he needs to get into a work house and find a job and get his own apartment. I stressed the same to him and that I wouldn't have it any other way.

It is a waiting game. Time will tell if I want to invest anymore of my time with this man.

For now, I have nothing else to do in terms of a relationship/dating others. I'm not anywhere ready or willing to at this point. I am content with myself and my son for the time being.

bluejay6

Our situations are a bit similar because we both fell in love with recovering heroin addicts who had solid clean time (mine, ten years), children, respectable jobs, friends, and admirable qualities.

Mine relapsed and disappeared from my life (he went NC and I was unwilling to pursue). Yours, however relapsed but now sits at the fringes of your life.

Your posts have the tone of the Bargaining stage of grief. You seem to be looking for a way around having to let him go, perhaps for good, or certainly for a significant amount of time.

All I can say is that I would have swam the seven seas for my man. And I believe his Higher Power knew it and took me right out of his life, to give him a better chance at clawing his way back to a sober life. I would have been at best a distraction and at worst an enabler. I believe I would have been CRAZY and HARMFUL to him, even with my own long-term recovery and individual counseling. I would have been much too reactive to him, and in my opinion, whether our relationship survived was not then the terrible loss facing us both nor is it now. The terrible loss facing us both was and is whether he comes out of relapse alive and able to continue fathering his 4 children who need him desperately. (His children he had custody of).

I think you are looking for ways to stay in your man's life and not have to suffer a long and hard and lonely separation.

My "separation" is three years now. And I think it is one of the best moves God ever made.

Good luck.

Bluejay

Envelope

Well, he is making peace with his ex? Good start!! You mention the revolving doors, sounds exhausting and scary. Its funny but I often think I have the solution to my "ex" partner and when I read stories I take a step back. I appreciate your thoughts on your situation. It really helps make me think.

Bluejay's story has made me think too. Ten years of being clean and then a relapse!! Can it depend on the drug used if the addict is more prone to relapsing??

I know you are missing him, Im missing my man too. Its lonely. Wouldnt it be great if we lived close by?? We could meet for a coffee and talk the whole day on what we can do to ease our minds!!!!

lexington

yes, I would all be wary of drawing the conclusion that there is any such thing as a 'functioning' couple - they all have to work hard at staying together although they may not want to air their dirty laundry in public. It sounds cheesy but I've been getting a lot of comfort out of watching re-runs of sex and the city since my split It's a real reality check for me, because I'm starting to see the way couples really act behind the scenes. Come to think of it, whenever I spend time with my 'functioning couple' friends, I see them arguing about lots of little things and making up or compromising. Being in love isn't necessarily a comfortable thing, and the harsh reality seem to be that if a couple doesn't put in the work, then they end up with an unhealthy relationship.

My ex turned to drugs whenever we had an argument. The judgmental side of me wants to say that that's just because he was lazy. But I also think that he was a victim of the popular misconception that happy relationships just 'happen' without any hard work, and that was why he couldn't accept the angst and self-doubt that came with being in one.