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Old 08-03-2009, 11:36 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Aaaack! I found a condom in my 15yo daughter's purse!

I occasionally toss my kids' rooms -- maybe once every 6 months or so, or sooner if I suspect something bad is possibly happening. She's off at camp and I needed her house key, so I go digging thru her purse and a brand new shiny (& red!) condom is in there. CRAP!

I can't tell you how many times I've had discussions with her about sex and have told her each time that when she decides she is ready for sex to come and tell me and "I promise I won't get mad...I just don't want you to get pregnant and ruin your future", blah, blah, blah.

She doesn't even have a boyfriend??!? Not one that I know of, anyway. I think I would know. I consider us pretty close, but now I'm not so sure!

HELP!!! What do I do NOW?!
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Old 08-03-2009, 11:50 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Well, you might calm down a bit and breathe.

Now...think about it. Just because there is a condom in her purse doesn't necessarily mean she is sexually active. And, even if she is, finding a condom would tell me that something you said got through to her. Maybe she's keeping it for a friend? Maybe she put it there to freak you out in case you dug through her purse. Whatever the reason for it being there, you have time to calm down before your daughter gets home and then you can ask her about it...in a non-accusatory way, of course.
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Old 08-03-2009, 03:06 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Or maybe you decide that you want to prevent acne and put her on the pill.
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Old 08-03-2009, 03:12 PM   #4 (permalink)
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tjp...it is okay, calm down.
I also flipped out the first time I found a condom in my 15 year old's possession. He is now almost 18. Anyway, come to find out, they had handed them out at school. Though my son thought it was a riot I had worked myself into such a frenzy, lol.

You can not buy single condoms....
You did not find a box, right?
And WORST case scenario...she has protection.

So...after you have calmed down and she comes home, ask her about it.
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Old 08-03-2009, 03:14 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Oh, by the way, I have to share this with you. Hopefully, it will make you realize, it could be worse, bahaha

I found a empty condom wrapper in my son's room with a date written on it!!!
He still does not know how I know the exact day he lost his virginity.
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Old 08-03-2009, 03:20 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Congratulate her on being prepared for safe sex.
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Old 08-03-2009, 04:14 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I had one in my wallet for a long time. Some friends actually found it and it was so old (because I hadn't had the opportunity to use it) it was dried out!! I hadn't had sex yet, but (as a guy) was optomistic and wanted to be prepared.

Worst case, al least she is being responsible and prepared. That is a good thing.
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Old 08-03-2009, 04:31 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I had one in my wallet for a long time. Some friends actually found it and it was so old (because I hadn't had the opportunity to use it) it was dried out!! I hadn't had sex yet, but (as a guy) was optomistic and wanted to be prepared.

Worst case, al least she is being responsible and prepared. That is a good thing.
I'm a female but had the same situation! Simply I grew up learning it is better to be safe than sorry.

At one time I also had a script for the pill, as I was in a relationship that (knowing me) might have led to making love in the spur of the moment. And no...I never did have sex with him!
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Old 08-03-2009, 06:05 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Oh, by the way, I have to share this with you. Hopefully, it will make you realize, it could be worse, bahaha

I found a empty condom wrapper in my son's room with a date written on it!!!
He still does not know how I know the exact day he lost his virginity.
Thats some akward information to a mother know. Lol.
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Old 08-03-2009, 07:48 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Ok, ok.... I feel better now. Thanks all of you!!

Yeah, i was thinking, "Well, at least it wasn't a used condom!!"

I will try to remain calm. Ommmmmm.
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Old 08-03-2009, 07:53 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Thats some akward information to a mother know. Lol.
I was thinking the exact same thing. Haha.
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Old 08-04-2009, 06:58 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I just don't want you to get pregnant and ruin your future"
looks like the talks you have had with her have had an effect - good job Mom!!!! i'd rather find a condom then a pregnancy test anyday. i do think that realistically its hard for teenagers to talk to their mom about sex so the best we can do is give them information (which it sounds like you have) and help prepare them.

My son did tell me about 6 months after he first had sex - i wasnt surprised and all i really told him was that anytime he needed condoms to just put them in the grocery cart - no questions asked. we kinda talk about it - now its more just general advice on love moreso than sex. like when he went out with a girl that was so obsessed i could see her getting herself pregnant just to snag him - i didnt tell him to break it off but did "generically" explain to him how some girls will do that so be very careful to practice safe sex and dont just take her word if she says shes on birth control. i also told him how i heard on the news that 65% of teenage girls have had a std - he immediately asked if i could make him a doctors appt for a checkup. now when we go to the doc he talks freely about it in front of me - docs kinda do a double-take because their not used to a boy talking about sex infront of his mom - but he knows my concerns are not a judgment but just safety so it doesnt seem to bother him.

i think once your daughter and you do have that talk that you can probably get to the point that my son and i are when it comes to that. just dont ask a lot of details and keep it to safe sex and emotional protection.
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Old 08-04-2009, 07:11 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Thanks, Winnie -- that's good advice.

How old was your son when he started having sex??
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Old 08-04-2009, 08:26 AM   #14 (permalink)
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he was 14 the first time but it was 15 when he became regular. considering he started doing drugs at 10 - i think he did pretty good holding off that long.
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Old 08-04-2009, 09:19 AM   #15 (permalink)
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We're not in Kansas anymore!!!
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Old 08-04-2009, 12:28 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Being in Kansas really doesn't help. This happens here too! LOL.

My daughter is 14, almost 15 (Dec). I figured out she had sex with her boyfriend when I was reading a conversation they had on facebook. I had to kinda read between the lines, but I knew.

I also knew I had to act. I didn't want a pregnant teenager. I asked a friend (she is 18, and I've known here since she was born, and she is very close to both me and my daughter) if she would take her to the health dept. to get pills. She said she would. Then I talked with my daughter about it. It is done! I feel better. She feels better.

There no place like home!
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Old 08-06-2009, 10:20 AM   #17 (permalink)
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My first reaction to your post was, "Better a condom than a positive pregnancy test".

I agree, it's possible she's just being prepared "in case" it happens...nothing wrong with that..that's the responsible thing to do as a young woman.


I tried to look back at my own teenage years and what would have been the best way to handle ME when I approached these delicate situtations with my own teenagers. I was 15 years old and used no protection. I did go to a local clinic and get birth control pills soon after, but I never did discuss it with my parents. My parents were the age of most people's grandparents and they were overly strict with me as it was, the last thing I could ever have told them would have been about having sex during my teen years..although I know they figured it out when I became pregnant at 17. I am not sure talking to my parents would have changed a thing, I would probably still have had sex...that really is a personal decision for all of us no matter what the age, and it's a difficult thing to discuss with your parents..especially if you are a teenager, even when you have the best of relationships.

I think truly, we want to believe our kids will abstain, or if not they will come to us with these things, but in reality, these are not the things kids want to discuss with us, any more than we wanted to talk to our own parents about sex, boys, relationships..lol. I encouraged my own kids to be open with me about anything..and they were for the most part, but I also know in retrospect (they are all adults now)there were alot of things they did not share with me. I have come to the conclusion that this is by natures design somewhat, part of that rebellious process that starts the movement away from being mom's child to a young adult.

First, I would be glad that she seems to be taking some responsibilty for both disease prevention and pregnancy prevention...so many don't, thinking it won't happen to them. Kids have been having sex since the beginning of time and there's no reason for us to think that changes just because they casually say they will inform us as parents. Let's face it, it is not an easy subject to approach for parent or for the teenager.

So, if she's having sex. The best thing a parent can do is make sure she is protected and to let her know you are there if she needs anything..to talk to, to assist with birth control, to give the benefit of your experience or to just listen.

I think my approach would be to let her know honestly you found a condom..you don't have to say where you found it..and then thank her for being responsible. That will keep it from feeling confrontational..and will hopefully lead into a more indepth conversation.

With my kids, I tried to remember that these are adult actions, and I needed to approach them with adult discussion, even if I was in a panic about the entire thing. Deep breaths, calm approach. The best thing for her, and for you is an atmosphere that will promote easy discussion. It's not easy to do when all you really want to do is lock them in a closet until they are in their 20's..lol.

I would definitely tell her you would like for her to see a doctor and discuss the many options in birth control. (Condoms only work if they use them.). I would also explain to her that once you are sexually active, there is a whole lot more to keeping yourself healthy than just preventing pregnancy..and let her know she will need gyno care on a regular basis, like all adult, sexually active women do. Volunteer to set up an appointment for her, give your recommendation for a doctor you like and volunteer to go with her to the appointment.
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Old 08-06-2009, 10:41 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Daughter #1 ended up pregnant at age 16 despite our talks about sex and me offering to get her on birth control if she was sexually active.

Daughter #2 ended up being put on the Depo shot during the 17 months she was in the system (lockup and then on to a foster home after she ran away at 15 with a 24 year old predator).

She's been on it ever since, and I am grateful for that. We have very open conversations about sex/relationships.

She is so much further along in life than I ever was at 21. I was going through a divorce and had a 3 year old daughter. I was also very active in my alcoholism/addictions at that age.
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Old 08-06-2009, 11:51 AM   #19 (permalink)
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when I suspected my daughter was having sex......I asked her about her best friend instead of trying to have a conversation about her specifically

IS _________having sex? And my daughter said yeah mom, I asked is see on birth control my daughter said no shes scared her mom will find out..........
So I told my daughter if you care about _______you dont want her to get pregnate so how about this..............heres the name address and phone number to planned parenthood, its confidential and her mom will never find out. YOU go with her..you know FOR SUPPORT and I will PAY for both of you

since YOU and your boyfriend have been dating for SO long and maybe its even a thought for you...........You just go ahead and get it for yourself TOO!!

she tired to say oh mom I dont need it ~~but in that mom gut I had a feeling she might...so I kept saying no, its better to be prepared PLUS it helps CLEAR your skin......and it will help you help your friend she wont want to go if you dont.blah blah

so she took the credit card and got birth control for her and her best friend.

Wrong to butt in ? I dont think so I love my daughter and thou I did NOT want her having sex I didnt want her pregnate either as for the friend I loved her too so same thing and she WOULDNT tell her mom and she couldnt pay even the 60 bucks for planned parenthood......so I did what i did. Today both girls are in university and building lives for themselves independant lives.

I think I surprised my daughter and it was a good thing because after that we then moved on to the conversations about still needing condoms and always make sure YOU are treated with respect............and respect doesnt come with sex in the back of a car.........

My daughters 20 now and an overall great girl..............they will do WHAT they want to do, and in their time not ours......the best we can do is educate them them, pray and be there.

good luck to you and your daughter!!! Try not to worry just keep communication as open as you can
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Old 08-06-2009, 02:25 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Thank you all soooooo much!!

Alternatively, can I just come have her live with you guys?
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