Sad New Girl Here....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 1
Sad New Girl Here....
HI! I am new here and really don't know where to start. I am inlove with an addict. As I sit here typing he is at his NA meeting. He is 18 days clean and truly trying to stay clean. He has a sponser and is trying his hardest to clean himself up.
I am soo happy that he is in recovery, but I am also a wreck. I love him more than anything in the world. He is my life and I don't know where to go from here. Everyday is a struggle. We get along great, but then there are times when his moods are so bad I can't stand to be around him. I know that is part of it but it hurts.
I have been looking for a nar anon meeting but there are none in my area, I am in Nashville. Should I go to an al anon meeting? Will that help the way nar anon would?
Please help!!
Errin
I am soo happy that he is in recovery, but I am also a wreck. I love him more than anything in the world. He is my life and I don't know where to go from here. Everyday is a struggle. We get along great, but then there are times when his moods are so bad I can't stand to be around him. I know that is part of it but it hurts.
I have been looking for a nar anon meeting but there are none in my area, I am in Nashville. Should I go to an al anon meeting? Will that help the way nar anon would?
Please help!!
Errin
A Brand New Life
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
I believe it helps for you to go to the meetings for the friends and family just to hear what they are going through. The tools you need to survive, decide and possibly move on from this are all in the program. This site is amazing in the areas of support, information and advice. Just remember to take care of yourself and know that you are worth a functional, happy relationship.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by sweeterrin 
He is my life .........(
Can you consider taking the emphasis off him and putting it back where it belongs, on you?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 101
Hi Errin,
I'm sorry you're going through this and I "hear" the pain in your post.
Yes, you should most definitely attend Al-anon. It will help. And, keep going- don't just give it one try. My area has a few different times and locations, and if yours does, it's wise to try a few different ones until you find where you feel you belong. You may feel this at the first one you attend, but if you don't- keep trying.
I actually drive an hour, one way to Nar-anon, because I prefer that group. But, I have been helped at Al-anon too. It's personal preference and all about what's going to help YOU.
Big hugs to you,
AquaBlue
I'm sorry you're going through this and I "hear" the pain in your post.
Yes, you should most definitely attend Al-anon. It will help. And, keep going- don't just give it one try. My area has a few different times and locations, and if yours does, it's wise to try a few different ones until you find where you feel you belong. You may feel this at the first one you attend, but if you don't- keep trying.
I actually drive an hour, one way to Nar-anon, because I prefer that group. But, I have been helped at Al-anon too. It's personal preference and all about what's going to help YOU.
Big hugs to you,
AquaBlue
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Hi Sweeteerin,
Welcome to SR...sorry to her, but glad you found us. Many many of us here are in the same shoes that you are or have been there. I am glad you posted! My husband is an addict as well, there were no nar-anon meeting here either, so went to al-anon. Many of the people there where dealing with drug addiction of a loved one. I was really hesitate to go but afraid that I was going to have to get up and talk right away. That did not happen in no shape or form...I talked when I was ready. Just sitting through a few meetings and listening to others I could so relate. It really help me.
Though these meetings and through here we really start to learn how to take care of us so we aren't living day by day in a constant fear.
Rose
Rose
Welcome to SR...sorry to her, but glad you found us. Many many of us here are in the same shoes that you are or have been there. I am glad you posted! My husband is an addict as well, there were no nar-anon meeting here either, so went to al-anon. Many of the people there where dealing with drug addiction of a loved one. I was really hesitate to go but afraid that I was going to have to get up and talk right away. That did not happen in no shape or form...I talked when I was ready. Just sitting through a few meetings and listening to others I could so relate. It really help me.
Though these meetings and through here we really start to learn how to take care of us so we aren't living day by day in a constant fear.
Rose
Rose
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 35
I love him more than anything in the world. He is my life
Is it fair on him, for him to be your life?
Is it a good idea to be centering your entire existence around someone else? (let alone someone who has a drug problem)
Supposing you decided it was in your best interests to improve your sense of independence. What sort of things could you do, and changes could you make, to achieve this?
Then if (as often happens) he disappointed you, your whole world wouldn't come crashing down...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Originally Posted by sweeterrin
He is my life and I don't know where to go from here. (
The healthiest relationships are those where each person has their own life and each has their own identity - then they can come together (problems or not) and share life together. Its not about living FOR someone its sharing life WITH someone. Its wonderful that he is working his recovery - i would highly suggest that you start working your own recovery and find yourself so that if things work out - your able to have a healthy relationship and if things dont work out you are able to survivie it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Ma
Posts: 320
Originally Posted by outtolunch
How the hell-o did this happen? Do you work and/or volunteer? Do you have friends and a social life independent of him? Do you have interests independent of him?
Can you consider taking the emphasis off him and putting it back where it belongs, on you?
Can you consider taking the emphasis off him and putting it back where it belongs, on you?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 102
Originally Posted by sweeterrin
HI! I am new here and really don't know where to start. I am inlove with an addict. As I sit here typing he is at his NA meeting. He is 18 days clean and truly trying to stay clean. He has a sponser and is trying his hardest to clean himself up.
I am soo happy that he is in recovery, but I am also a wreck. I love him more than anything in the world. He is my life and I don't know where to go from here. Everyday is a struggle. We get along great, but then there are times when his moods are so bad I can't stand to be around him. I know that is part of it but it hurts.
I have been looking for a nar anon meeting but there are none in my area, I am in Nashville. Should I go to an al anon meeting? Will that help the way nar anon would?
Please help!!
Errin
I am soo happy that he is in recovery, but I am also a wreck. I love him more than anything in the world. He is my life and I don't know where to go from here. Everyday is a struggle. We get along great, but then there are times when his moods are so bad I can't stand to be around him. I know that is part of it but it hurts.
I have been looking for a nar anon meeting but there are none in my area, I am in Nashville. Should I go to an al anon meeting? Will that help the way nar anon would?
Please help!!
Errin
tangerine dream
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: somewhere near los angeles
Posts: 55
how?
Originally Posted by Alaia
I am now trying to put the pieces of my heart back together.
seriously.
off and on for 2 1/2 years with mine, on now for almost a year. baaad things have happened and he's always SO sincere with his apology, but it always happens again.
contemplating putting his clean laundry in a suitcase outside the door and changing the lock before (if) he gets home tonight.
thing is, i'm really bad with follow-through.
ANY tips would be EXTREMELY appreciated. especially like, now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Nar-anon is far away from me too, so I went to al-anon. I found that at least half of the people in the rooms were dealing with a loved one who has a drug addiction.
I fully believe that both people have to be in recovery for the relationship to work. As well as, both in active addiction/co-dependency - will it work, but because addiction is a progressive disease - it will lead to death, jail or institutions/streets.
My guy was not in recovery and I was - he just hasn't hit his bottom. And I had to stop going down further with him.... losing so much self-respect. In recovery, I learned that it's okay to love myself, to treat myself with respect and becoming confident that I deserve more out of a relationship. I'm not saying that happens to every one who goes in recovery - that they lose the love. (which was my biggest fear) - Instead of "losing" anything..... I instead "gained" love for myself. Now, had he have been in recovery - who knows where we'd be now. I just got sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Sorry about that - went on a bit of a tangent there - (I tend to do). Anyway - how you are feeling is all very natural. Al-anon will definitely help you.
I love recovery... the lessons are a "road map" on how to l.i.v.e. ... the honesty part is my favorite!
Best of luck!
------------------------------
TangeineDream - if you make your post a new thread - you will get more traffic. Be aware of doing things in haste - without having a plan. Play the tape out.... do you keep moving forward ? or is there a chance you will be back in the relationship?
I fully believe that both people have to be in recovery for the relationship to work. As well as, both in active addiction/co-dependency - will it work, but because addiction is a progressive disease - it will lead to death, jail or institutions/streets.
My guy was not in recovery and I was - he just hasn't hit his bottom. And I had to stop going down further with him.... losing so much self-respect. In recovery, I learned that it's okay to love myself, to treat myself with respect and becoming confident that I deserve more out of a relationship. I'm not saying that happens to every one who goes in recovery - that they lose the love. (which was my biggest fear) - Instead of "losing" anything..... I instead "gained" love for myself. Now, had he have been in recovery - who knows where we'd be now. I just got sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Sorry about that - went on a bit of a tangent there - (I tend to do). Anyway - how you are feeling is all very natural. Al-anon will definitely help you.
I love recovery... the lessons are a "road map" on how to l.i.v.e. ... the honesty part is my favorite! Best of luck!
------------------------------
TangeineDream - if you make your post a new thread - you will get more traffic. Be aware of doing things in haste - without having a plan. Play the tape out.... do you keep moving forward ? or is there a chance you will be back in the relationship?
tangerine dream
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: somewhere near los angeles
Posts: 55
Originally Posted by Abundance
do you keep moving forward ? or is there a chance you will be back in the relationship?
i will be back in the relationship unless he doesn't come back/comes back and tells me he's done.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
So - that is good - you have played the tape.
The worst thing to do is give 'threats' and not follow through. Every time we do that - we are losing more and more self-respect. As well as, telling him that we don't mean what we say.
As long as you have your boundary in place... you are getting yourself healthy ... it won't matter whether he comes back or not. Healthy relationships are ones where there are 2 people that look after themselves individually and are whole and contributers in the relationship. Relationships where one is making the 'deposits' and the other is only making 'withdrawals' ... the rate of return is not so good.
Again, never mind what he is going to do. What are YOU going to do? What do YOU want out of life? Life is very short... and YOUR life is in your hands, your choices, your destiny!
It's not that we fear we aren't enough, it's that we fear what we are really capable of...... we arent afraid of how powerful we are not, but of how powerful we are.
Time to fill up that tool box of yours and look after YOURSELF!
The worst thing to do is give 'threats' and not follow through. Every time we do that - we are losing more and more self-respect. As well as, telling him that we don't mean what we say.
As long as you have your boundary in place... you are getting yourself healthy ... it won't matter whether he comes back or not. Healthy relationships are ones where there are 2 people that look after themselves individually and are whole and contributers in the relationship. Relationships where one is making the 'deposits' and the other is only making 'withdrawals' ... the rate of return is not so good.
Again, never mind what he is going to do. What are YOU going to do? What do YOU want out of life? Life is very short... and YOUR life is in your hands, your choices, your destiny!
It's not that we fear we aren't enough, it's that we fear what we are really capable of...... we arent afraid of how powerful we are not, but of how powerful we are.
Time to fill up that tool box of yours and look after YOURSELF!
tangerine dream
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: somewhere near los angeles
Posts: 55
Originally Posted by Abundance
It's not that we fear we aren't enough, it's that we fear what we are really capable of...... we arent afraid of how powerful we are not, but of how powerful we are.
oh and, congratulations - it's going in my signature.
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