Anger

[cassandra2]

Today I am angry and I am trying to get it all out.

I wonder what has worked for others here? How do you process anger? Do you just let it go?

How do you work through something that angers you about another person, place or thing?

I am angry at alot of stuff and I thought that I had worked through getting over being angry at another person, place or thing but like I said I am finding myself still angry over alot of things.

It is starting to show up in places that are unexpected. So what do you do?

I've tried to journal about. Its still there.
I've tried acceptance. It comes back.
I've tried letting go. THATS HARD.
I've tried to process it and look at the things I am angry about in different ways but still finding it rearing its ugly head.

So does anyone have any suggestions about dealing with anger?

Or is this really something that is gonna take time and there isnt a magic bullet to say do xyz and poof the anger is gone?????

[riaerif]

Wow, I'm struggling with this right now, too.

So far I've screamed and yelled at the person... Which apparently is not the right way to handle it...

Sometimes I get in my car and drive somewhere remote and scream bloody murder and hate the heck out of the person for a few minutes.

Sometimes I turn on a video game and shoot zombies and pretend they're her.

Although, that might not be dealing with anger as much as feeding it.

I really hope you find some answers to this. I know I need some, too.

[Callie]

Cass - I know all too well the feeling of anger! It's seeped into all aspects of my life. I was looking @ pic's of myself from 2-3 years ago to today and I look tired, worn out and defeated @ times. I'm not really able to contain my anger to just towards H for the most part. I find myself short tempered alot.

I've been thinking alot about addiction and it being a sickness. That helps me somewhat when I think that he didn't do things delibrately to me. Yes he did, but it helps buffer that somewhat when I can tie that with his addiction.

I don't have many answers, just wanted you to know that I know how you feel.

[Freedom1990]

Is it anger, or resentment? Anger is an emotion directed at the moment. Resentment is like the replay tape at a football game...you play a prior event over and over in your head. The more you replay it, the more resentful you get.

For me, anger usually masks one of two emotions...fear or pain.

[cassandra2]

I just reread the chapter from codependent no more on anger.

I guess I feel guilty for being angry and just need to learn to accept that sometimes there are things that tigger anger in me and that its ok to FEEL angry. Like alot of things in dealing with addiction I guess I presume that once you acknowledge how you feel your suppose to be able to move forward and not dwell on the same feeling over and over.

I guess I am looking for a way to deal with the anger so it doesnt seep out onto other people (like my kids) and find a way to deal with it constructively and not in a damaging way. I dont want it to turn into resentments.

Callie I totally agree with you about being angry with someone who is sick. But on the other hand I think that maybe I am just trying to find a way to accept unacceptable behavior. I dont know. I know I am making progress but this seems to be the one area that I have the most trouble with.

[cassandra2]

Freedom I just was reading that in the book. Anger is usually masking fear or pain. I think that its a little of both for me.

The way that you put resentments makes me think that maybe IT IS more of a resentment. So how do you deal with that? How do you get rid of resentments that you feel? Especially toward the addict.

[outtolunch]

Originally Posted by cassandra2

.

......maybe I am just trying to find a way to accept unacceptable behavior. .

Just thinking outloud, here....it seems to me that the point is not to accept unacceptable behavior because we can always remove ourselves from the situation.... Rather, it is acceptance that we do not have the ability to change someone else's behavior into something we find acceptable.

Does this make any sense?

[cassandra2]

Originally Posted by outtolunch

Does this make any sense?

Kinda. Could you elaborate more?

[outtolunch]

Originally Posted by cassandra2

So how do you deal with that? How do you get rid of resentments that you feel? Especially toward the addict.

My resentments stem from my expectations, something I control.

[outtolunch]

Originally Posted by cassandra2

Kinda. Could you elaborate more?

As it relates to addiction, there is so much that I find unacceptable. I am sure you do, too. It becomes my choice to associate with someone who is active in their addiction and all the crap that goes along with it, or not.

The hardest thing for me was acceptance that I have no control over my daughter, her choices or anyone else, for that matter. My daughter is not done yet and that's her choice.

I hope. I pray. But I have no expectations.

[cassandra2]

My A is no longer in active addiction. Sometimes I find myself "expecting" him to be moving at a certain pace and admittedly this causes anger. But I also notice that with the expectation of him moving at a certain pace I also expect him to be doing xyz and while I know that he is working on it (actions say he is) I guess I just expect him to do MORE.

So how do I let this go? How do I let go that yet another holiday is passing by and we are still "stuck"? I am trying to deal with this for me not him. I dont like walking around all high and mighty thinking his way isnt good enough for me. So where do I go with all of this?

How do you let go of expectations?

I really got that I couldnt change him or control him or his addiction. In fact I got to the point where I was just tired and no longer had the energy to try so I stopped. That was very freeing. But now I think I am building up to the same thing and trying to manage his recovery on MY terms. How do I stop that?

I did tell him that I had made other plans this weekend because I myself needed a break. I could feel myself building up to this and I want to be alone to deal with this for me. I dont like these feelings at all. I want to learn how to stop expecting.

[outtolunch]

He, his addiction, his recovery, his choices seem to continue to be the focus of your emotional life.

The more I tried to control someone else, the more out of control, I felt.

It's really tough to take personal responsibility for ourselves, when we know what's best for everyone else.

[cassandra2]

Outtolunch you are exactly right. That is where I see myself going and I am trying to stop because I do feel out of control. Like I am beating the same horse all over again.

I am really proud of myself for recognizing it. I am taking a step back and examining myself, my motives, my reasons and trying to instead of beating the horse getting back on and handling MYSELF and not getting back into the controlling cycle.

So what do I do for MYSELF to stop this dead in the tracks?

[laurie6781]

EXPECTATIONS:

"What is he/she/it/they not doing, that I want he/she/it/they to do, when I want he/she/it/they to do 'it', to make ME MORE COMFORTABLE?"

I literally had to have that on an index card I kept with me, to stop 'my expectations' of others and accept that they are doing the best they can do right now.

When I was able to 'let go' of those 'expectations' and accept instead that no one can make me happy but me, I found my 'resentments/anger' decreased considerably and I was able then to work on my 'fear.'

Recovery for all of us is a very SLOW process. To expect ourselves or someone else to get into recovery and 'magically' be all better or a lot better, is still living in fantasy land. I had to ACCEPT that I didn't get sick overnight with my alcoholism and my codieism that was years and years, so it was going to take a long time to learn 'new ways' of acting, reacting, and interacting with others.

Hope that helps a bit and doesn't muddy the waters further, lol

Love and hugs,

[pearlwolf911]

I tend to punch things. But thats BAD. dont do it. they punch back and I bleed. BAD IDEA.
But Im with riaerif. I go into the middle of a field and yell at the top of my lungs. its nice

[Abundance]

IMMEDIATE anger... I would walk out of the room and throw punches and kicks at the air.... while exhaling!

Resentments: That was a constant.... and it still is a constant. I have to do a lot of "self talk". Like: "don't take it personally - *he* and I are not always going to be in the same "place" at once. He's depressed or feeling anti-social... and it's my choice to go and do something myself while he is being true to himself. Then I would have to talk myself out of feeling "guilty" for having fun while he wasn't. Or questioning my "self" because I WOULD take it personally and think that he just doesn't find me fun or somebody he wants to spend time with.

Now that he is gone..... the anxiety still creeps up when I am doing things on my own (obviously) - and I am reminded of how I felt when I was doing things on my own and feeling so incredibly lonely because he WAS available, just not the kind of available I was needing/wanting. So - I'm still working through that. Being lonely in a relationship is very painful - because it's our choice to stay in the pain - so what am I going to do about it? Accept it? THAT was where my resentment turned. Then I'd feel "guilt AND anger" towards myself because of all of it. I'd get really mad at myself that I was even allowing myself to feel this way - to put this much energy into something I totally can't control. My resentments and my anger isn't really going to change or make the situation any better... so why use my energy on this?????

I don't know how you do it when things are still really heavy and you feel as though he should be doing more. But you can't think that way - because he is doing the best that he can - AT THIS TIME. The thing is ... you have to turn the power back to yourself and find out what the remedy is for you! And what will make you happy by the hand of only you.

It's not about him... it's about you.

Gosh - I know this feeling all too well. It's a constant work in progress...

As for the children.... I KNOW! I snapped at them a lot more than usual when I was in those thought patterns. It broke my heart. So - I actually found them to be a great distraction! Spending time with them is/was like a "play date" - they are so innocent and un-touched. Embrace their little souls and love them. Look through their eyes when you are with them! Being in "their view" was like an escape from my sad, lonely, angry, resentful, unloving reality.

BTW - that chapter on Anger really spoke to me! I read it a few weeks ago and I was floored!

Think about you - what will make you happy and enjoying life? One day at a time.

I read on here to treat your mind like a bad neighborhood - don't go in there alone.

Happy 4th!

[Skeetermag]

Excercise and walking helps sometimes.

[cessy68]

Originally Posted by Callie

Cass - I know all too well the feeling of anger! It's seeped into all aspects of my life. I was looking @ pic's of myself from 2-3 years ago to today and I look tired, worn out and defeated @ times.

I don't have many answers, just wanted you to know that I know how you feel.

Um.... yea Cass..... exactly what I was going to say to you.... furthermore what I have said to you directly before. Anger= worn out looking exhausted aged women.

That is the result if we stay angry AND/or resentful for any period of time.'

Of course I don't know what to tell you to do with that.... other than look at pics then and now, like I have, and like callie has....

do you want the anger to strip your beauty? Your health? ..... and most of all, the joy from whatever amount of time we have left here on this earth?

I'm tired of being tired and angry. I'm in give up mode. Its sad, but it's a little more peaceful than anger.

Thinking of you with hugs and love
cess

[cassandra2]

Anger is energy. So what I did today was write out all the things that I am angry about. Got them all to the surface. Cried a little in the process. And then I came here to SR and started to channel all of the angry energy into helping others.

WHAT A HUGE DIFFERENCE that makes. I am turning a negative into a positive and it FEELS GREAT.

Thanks for all of your responses. Cess I too am tired of feeling angry. That is why I was looking for ways to get rid of it. Its so taxing on your body. And it makes for not so happy a person walking around.....

[laurie6781]

Something I have found that helps me get rid of the anger, it sort of just "withers out".

It's a very 'simple' tool.

It's a:

GRATITUDE LIST

That I also put on a little Index Card and kept with me. It is amazing, how when I would be angry and could feel it building, I'd whip out that little card, start concentrating on the card and reading each item on it slowly, and the 'anger' would just disapate. I finally figured out that Gratitude and Anger, just do not fit on the same plate together.

Hope that helps.

Love and hugs,

[crochetlady]

Good morning everyone.
well my husband called last night and again told me hes not comeing back. (hes visiting his grandchildren) which is fine.he hasnt seen them in a few years. and then in the same sentence he asked how i amd and if Im ok. (as Im disabled) why bother calling and telling me hes not comeing back and then worry about me? doesnt make any sense to me. he always calls at night to make sure im ok. WHY? if he says he doesnt care why bother. guilt? he has many bills to pay and try to find a job? which are hard to find these days. but its worth a try. cant seem to figure this one out. yes im angry, hurt, confused all of them, usually we can work through things. but this time im not sure.
also im sure his bi-polar is kicking in big time and his sciopharneia is also. (boy what a combination) when he is working and on a set schedule everything is calm and cool, so I dont knowe what the future holds. if anyone has any answers please help me to try and understand this. thank you have a great day.

[outtolunch]

Originally Posted by cessy68

Anger= worn out looking exhausted aged women.

Have we met?

While I have managed to not get into the whole anger thing, the worrying about someone/something I cannot control has indeed aged me ten years in less than two calandar years. It's ain't pretty.

[cassandra2]

Laurie you are so right about the gratitude list. I am finding that when I focus on the positive things, whether it be people/places or things that that works just as well.

I am grateful for having a site that I can go and post and receive AND be able to give back. Sometimes when we focus on the negatives in life we forget the gift that we have been given. Which is LIFE itself.

Thanks for pointing that out.....

Outtolunch and Cess you both are right about aging. If your a people watcher like I am you can pick out (especially the women) who has had a really hard life or really who has let life be so hard on them......Not pretty,....

[cassandra2]

I also just wanted to add that I really also need to focus on keeping it simple. So many times I beat a situation to the ground with the what ifs and why nots etc.

If I keep it simple and just say "well it is what it is" or "thats the way the cookie crumbles" I find it much easier to deal with then bringing out the notebook and writing all of the endless possibilities of life.

If I just let things flow by and accept that only I can allow things to consume me I am much better.

[hotamale]

exercise is my thing. when my ex became my ex last week, i had no idea why i was so....jumping out of my skin feeling. i mean, i made the right decision for myself. but, i hit a tennis ball against the wall as hard as i could for an hour...and i felt awesome after.

so, exercise, being outside, helps me. or sometimes just talking out loud like a crazy person or journaling, but exercise is by far #1 anger/resentment remedy. good luck!