Anger

[howdoibegin]

cassandra2,

I can't even begin to say how I know what you feel. I just found out 3 days ago my husband has been abusing oxys for over a year. Our money is gone, our credit is ruined along with my sanity. Appearantly it was a high he could get that I didn't catch on to to replace the drinking that I asked him to quit. Besides the typical feelings - hurt, shame, guilt, yadayada...ANGER is the biggest, hardest to let go of. HOW could he do this to our family? HOW could he choose the drugs over us? But, it's not about us to them, it never was. The best piece of advice I read today was to try and find out what is best for ME and my daughter - what is our happiness and work towards that rather than be angry at what HE did. It is a waste of my energy and Lord only knows I have wasted enough energy on everyone other than ME....

Hang in there

[Firehazard]

I can so relate and my anger is something that has been a extreme issue in my life. A woman with many years experience (like 35yrs) or something one said in a recent meeting that her first three years was spent just putting the fire out. That gave me so much hope and in looking at my emotions I still get angry but it doesn't last as long. BLESSED BE It seems that it takes time and in my case it might take years.

[Callie]

Originally Posted by Freedom1990

Is it anger, or resentment? Anger is an emotion directed at the moment. Resentment is like the replay tape at a football game...you play a prior event over and over in your head. The more you replay it, the more resentful you get.

For me, anger usually masks one of two emotions...fear or pain.

Wow - never really dissected the two - for me, anger DOES stem from fear or pain. If I become 'angry' instead of a crying pile of a mess somehow that makes me feel 'stronger' or more intolerable of his actions.

Just as abs said though - eventually it creeps into all aspects of my life to some degree. I become more 'snappy' with people. Just like yesterday - my dd got an ice cream sundae on the lake. It was suppose to have chocolate ice cream, like the sign said. It had vanilla and whipped cream. She doesn't like either. There was a huge line. I thought If I picked off the whipped cream and mixed the vanilla with the chocolate syrup and brownie it would be ok. It didn't mix right and the brownie was HARD as a rock. dd said, that's ok mommy I don't need anything. I stood in line, still trying to mix it. By the time I got back up to the counter it was a runny mess. I explained that it was suppose to have chocolate ice cream etc. It was $3.50. I asked could she just have a plain chocolate in a bowl (It was $1.50 - I didn't want any $ back, just to swap it out). She said sure, took the sundae, threw it away, got the chocolate and said $1.50. I said what? She didn't even eat much of it and it was not right in the first place. "I'm sorry, $1.50." I had no $ on me as it was in the boat and I just gave it back to her. She said something to me and I of course spout back. I had a right to be upset, but had I just been a 'normal' person out on the 5th of july, boating on the lake with her family without all of this bs I probably wouldn't have been so quick tempered and would have handled things better.


I've also noticed that anger/resentment not only ages me, but makes me so unmotivated, depressed and I have ZERO energy. I also find that I'm not only resentful of H, but also almost equally as much with myself. For tolerating, putting up with etc. I KNOW better than to deal with what I've dealt with. I would be the FIRST in line to tear apart someone who did to a loved one what my H has done to me. My bff is astounded that I've tolerated so much.

Cass - I've also noticed that even in recovery my H didn't live up to what I expected. I didn't expect anything above and beyond. I expected nothing more than any normal wife would expect out of her H. I still feel like my H was capable of doing it, but he didn't. Whether he was or wasn't capable - he didn't do it. Simple things like doing things around the house, not sleeping all day, mowing the lawn etc. Plain and simple fact is he didn't do it. Doesn't matter the reason really. But it led to even MORE anger and resentment if it's possible. So whether in addiction or recovery, it's very hard. Harder than most of America imagines, because most of the general population has no idea about addiction. Never thought I would.

[concernedgf]

I get so angry with my addict boyfriend sometimes. What do I do? BLAST angry girl music and sing. A good one is Lily Allen "F*** you".

It’s a temporary fix, but it helps. Just singing the words F*** you over and over again. Sounds childish, but somehow by the end of the song my head is no longer hot and I can think rationally. I'm setting myself up for disappointment if I expect anything from him regarding our relationship. I remind myself what I’m in it for. And at this point it’s only for the occasional good times we have. The bad times? I don’t think about them. They don’t exist. I just sing f*** you and move on. He has every right to be unhappy, and make his mistakes. But I won’t be a part of it. It’s a waste of energy. And it doesn’t do anyone any good.

[concernedgf]

Also! I can't agree more with the exercise advice! I try and run every day. But if I can’t run I at least go for a walk around the block on my breaks or lunch at work. I can't begin to tell you how good it feels to focus on yourself. Your body, and your mental stability.
And if you find yourself soar from your exercise, a BUBBLE BATH, not only sooths muscles, but is so calming and relaxing, the best word I can think of is heavenly.
Notice all these things are things are things to better you. Your body and mind. I think about the countless posts I’ve read that say focus on helping yourself. This is the perfect way to do it. Bathing after a run reminds me of how worthy I am, and how my partner’s addiction will not bring me down. I can handle it.

[cessy68]

Originally Posted by Callie

I've also noticed that anger/resentment not only ages me, but makes me so unmotivated, depressed and I have ZERO energy. I also find that I'm not only resentful of H, but also almost equally as much with myself. For tolerating, putting up with etc. I KNOW better than to deal with what I've dealt with. I would be the FIRST in line to tear apart someone who did to a loved one what my H has done to me. My bff is astounded that I've tolerated so much.

Cass - I've also noticed that even in recovery my H didn't live up to what I expected. I didn't expect anything above and beyond. I expected nothing more than any normal wife would expect out of her H. I still feel like my H was capable of doing it, but he didn't. Whether he was or wasn't capable - he didn't do it. Simple things like doing things around the house, not sleeping all day, mowing the lawn etc. Plain and simple fact is he didn't do it. Doesn't matter the reason really. But it led to even MORE anger and resentment if it's possible.

Yep, again Callie, don't mean to jump right on yea here but I can so relate.

I wish I knew what to do with this anger.....(looks like me this a.m.)
when I realized that my weeknd stunk-- that the relationship i'm in dosen't serve ME the way I want it to.

That the lawn didn't get cut...
That the pool didn't get attended to....
THat simply asking to go to the bookstore with him, was like EFFORT for him, and it felt like his ONE obligatory thing he did with me all weekend... he'd rather have stayed on the couch.

I got up and put HIS bowl in the sink, picked HIS towel off the floor, dumped and cleaned out HIS ashtray, and picked up HIS dirty clothes off the floor. Like a dang child. Basically, he munsters up enough energy to work his butt off at work all day, and play with his friends at night-- anyother time is his 'recovery' time, (and I don't mean that in a good way). It basically leaves me angry that I get the scraps and pick up after him, literally.

I cook a huge dinner and expect my kids to help pick up... and yet he dosen't he goes directly to the dang couch. I'd like to burn the couch!

I know people will say, "don't pick up after him"-- well I can't live with a towel just used, wet on my bed.... it's gross. So I end up doing it when he leaves for work.

I need to stop pouting and yelling and BEING RESENTFUL, and just realize this is my life if I choose to stay. I think the only way out of it -- is to move on.

Whew.
Do you understand think the same? And back to Cass--- this is what I'm talking about -- when we have these mad days, it sucks........

love,
Cess

[outtolunch]

Originally Posted by cessy68

.... I get the scraps and pick up after him, literally.

I remember that you once said that from a financial standpoint, you are better off with him, than not. Is it then possible to view this as a financial transaction.....he contributes $X to the household and in exchange, you take care of business? In otherwords, it's a relationship of mutual convenience.

[outtolunch]

Originally Posted by concernedgf

Bathing after a run reminds me of how worthy I am, and how my partner’s addiction will not bring me down. I can handle it.

Always curious here.... why handle it?

[cessy68]

Originally Posted by outtolunch

I remember that you once said that from a financial standpoint, you are better off with him, than not. Is it then possible to view this as a financial transaction.....he contributes $X to the household and in exchange, you take care of business? In otherwords, it's a relationship of mutual convenience.

Ah, outto, you have a very good memory, and I thank you for having enough concern to write to me...

AND you are very insightful, and you must be somewhat clairvoiant-- becasue the only thing that is working for me right now, is to tell myself those very words.

I LITERALLY-- told myself again this a.m... "cess, pick up the towel, do some laundry, get ready for work, then grab HIS credit card, go online, and pay some bills with HIS money. ---- payment for my services rendered.

ANd I did.

And I called him and said -- "just to let you know, I paid x y and z with the amex."

I am makeing this into a plan of 'catch up, saveup, and move forward'. I Don't like the position I am in, but I feel that I gave so much to him, and so much time, effort, love, etc. that if he can't contribute to this relationship the way a normal person would, than he CAN contribute financially till I'm secure enough to move forward. In addition-- I know he senses that something is off with me, he tells me constantly that I have 'changed' -- that he feels like I'm not 'in love with him' anymore.

I want to say to him, "what are you doing to foster 'love' in this relationship?"
But I don't bother.

He just tried to 'home detox' off the pills, and for 5 days, I spent my time helping him, (per his request)-- running baths with magnisium salts, changing the wet sheets from the night sweats--- pumping him with holistic vitamin coctail that I researched, putting cold compresses on his head, feeding, watering him----

Nonetheless, he went back to work on day 6, by day 9 I could tell he went right back to the pills----

How stupid. How sad.

But again, like you said, I'm trying dilegently to tell myself, He asked for my help-- i gave it. He choose to go back to the pills--- his choice. I won't fret over it --- I'm going to however, take payment for MY time and services rendered.

Terrible --- some might say--- but I look at it as a means of survival right now.

Love,
Cess

(plus it takes away my bitterness, resentment, and anger)