Want to help - getting frustrated

[SillyBilly]

This is a toughie. My cousins are pot-heads. They've been that way most of their life. They've never worked. The oldest is 35, slight mental retardation, plus he's a alcoholic. The other is 29 - she once held a job for 2 weeks.

I used to live with them. I spent 6 months or so renting a room several years ago. I'm very close to the younger one. She used to baby-sit me when we were younger. I know, only 6 years separation (I'm 23 now), but we came from a kinda screwed up family of criminals and junkies.

I don't know what to do. I was lucky, my Mother married this great guy when I was 3 and he raised me. He came from a Christian family with a very strict father. He's incredible. A fantastic, loving father and person, PhD and living the sweet life. My point is I don't know what it's like to never have anyone push you into work and/or study. I don't know what it's like to be that far under.

I want to help but I don't even know where to begin.

The younger is seeing a counsellor, and I'm trying to talk her into phone counselling. She has self-worth issues. She doesn't like talking about herself. I was too once like that, but after seeing several different counsellors face to face and talking to many on the phone I eventually worked it out, and now I LOVE talking about myself. I mean, who doesn't right?

I don't like pestering them, they just ignore me. Their only focus is when the next bag of weed is coming. I just need some suggestions of what areas I can motivate them. Well at least her for now. The older one is flat-out set in his ways as far as I can tell. Still, I believe anybody can pick up and make something of their life, no matter how bad things were or are, they just need the proper motivation.

Sometimes she does listen to me, but I'm not sure if she's actually taking it in, just being polite or she simply likes having someone to talk to.

I want to use my Fathers approach. He was usually always tough on me, and very direct about things. It took years, and I mean years for it to all get through to me. I suffered through nearly four years of hard rave drugs including meth addiction and over ten years of cannabis and alcohol abuse before I figured out he was right and none of it was good for me.

But see, they've never had anyone like that in their lives. I don't know if this approach will work on them or not. I was planning to drop by tonight after work for a visit and cheer-them-up-support-talk, but I received a message telling me to f**k off basically. They lied and said they were having an early night. I'm not an idiot, they don't have lives so they barely sleep, it was just an excuse to keep me away. Besides they asked me earlier to hook them up with some dope because they had none and I said no.

I KNOW that the proper motivation has to come from within. That's what I found. No matter how many people told me, no matter how many times I went off the rails and back on again, it wasn't until I finally stopped lying to myself and grew up, started thinking and behaving like a young man that things have been starting to work for me.


But I know if I just sit and wait, they will never change. I've seen it before with other members of the family. I just want to help before it's too late. What could possibly get them interested or excited about something besides getting high?

I told you it's a tricky one. If anyone has had personal experience with this kind of situation, I'd love to hear your thoughts, please! If not, I appreciate you taking the time to read and feel free to make any suggestions, I won't be upset if you do.

[winnie12]

Originally Posted by SillyBilly

I KNOW that the proper motivation has to come from within. That's what I found. No matter how many people told me, no matter how many times I went off the rails and back on again, it wasn't until I finally stopped lying to myself and grew up, started thinking and behaving like a young man that things have been starting to work for me.

But I know if I just sit and wait, they will never change. I've seen it before with other members of the family. I just want to help before it's too late. What could possibly get them interested or excited about something besides getting high?

You've answered your own questions - there is nothing you can do and its not your responsibility even though you love them a great deal. If they dont want to change then what could you possibly do? You were blessed and had a great step-dad who taught you values - they didnt get that but its not something that you can teach them. The best thing you can do is to just set a good example and pray for them. Show them and talk about the good things in your life - if they see its from your hard work and good values it could get through to them more than anything else. all the talking and especially lecturing could actually push them further away.

I see you having a huge heart and wishing that they had the opportunities that you had - that is so loving and kind of you but not something in your power - so all you can do is just show them by example.

My AS is a teenager and has not had a good father figure in his life so i'm looking for someone to be a mentor for him and this is something that he wants and has asked for - he just wants a male that he can talk to - if they want something like that then maybe your step-dad or another older family member would be good for that role if they were willing. If they are not then you must just put them in the hands of your HP.

[Rebecca4]

You need to keep out of it.

[outtolunch]

Just curious.....how do they manage without working ?