New to the forum

[JustMe238]

Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. Last month I found out my husband is a heroin addict.

He is leaving to be with his family on Tuesday (they live far away in the middle of no where.) to get away from his friends and clear his system/mind. Possibly rehab if they can convince him/pay for it. I am so afraid hes not going to leave on Tuesday but am hopeful since he decided that was what he needed to do. I just need him gone before he ruins my life anymore than he has this past month (although hes been using longer than that, after I found out, he stopped giving me money for bills and just moans and groans and "feels sick" all the time and has hives and wants me to take care of him and run him a bath, yeah right!, which annoys me because I really don't care if he doesnt feel good since he did it to himself and I need to go to sleep.)

Every reaction (anger, frustation) any normal person would have if they found out their husband was an addict seems to be on the Melody Beattie's Codependent no more list?

Although pretty much all of it describes my husband. He sits around saying how stupid and worthless he is, hes always looking for other people's approval and not in a good way just any kind of approval, he cannot make decisions, all throughout our marriage I have told him what I want and what I need and he doesnt tell me anything although I have asked him again and again, he always thinks I hate him and hes not good enough for me because he has a GED and I have an MA - even though we make about the same amount of money!, thinks other people think hes stupid, he is extremely loyal to his friends and some family members even after they screw him over time and time again, he has no interests or hobbies at all (makes it really hard to buy him birthday gifts!), he wants to do anything his friends say they are going to do (ie friend is going to take a certification class to become something, he wants to too, friend is applying to be a firefighter, he wants to too. But it only lasts until the next friend says something), gives everyone everything if his friend needs help hes there any time no matter what...he is moving furniture, helping them finish a job, etc., and he does these things for friends who 2 weeks later didnt answer his call, didnt help him, or said something mean to him and then hes upset. I have told him, I feel like he gives up finding out what he truly wants and needs just to help people who won't help him when he needs it.

So is he codependent? Or in order to be "co" dependent, both people are? Or it doesn't necessarily mean couples, he could be "co" dependent with his friends or just in general with anyone/everyone? I don't really understand this or what I should be doing. If he is codependent, then does he need to be treated for that as well as his addiction or he will just fall back into the addiction because addiction can be a symptom of codependency?

Thanks for any support!

[justsomegirl]

Wow! I am sorry you are going through this. What a shocker to discover he is a heroin addict. Did you know he was even a user before you found out?

I am reading Codependant know more as well ( great book ) right now and I was wondering the same thing because my husband "depends" on me to do eveything. Usually because he is to tired/sick from the night before to really care about anything. I don't really have any advise because I am still learning, but I find coming here ( I mostly lurk) and it gets me through rough patches. The folks here will have some great advise and support for you.

[barb dwyer]

Hello and welcome to SR.

What a first post.

I hope you'll stick around , feel free to ask questions, maybe even read at the Substance abuse forums as well.
It's good to read your husband is going to get help.

And you're right to ask for support for yourself as well.

(although hes been using longer than that, after I found out, he stopped giving me money for bills and just moans and groans and "feels sick" all the time and has hives and wants me to take care of him and run him a bath, yeah right!, which annoys me because I really don't care if he doesnt feel good since he did it to himself and I need to go to sleep.)

wow! if that line were any sharper it'd cut my eyes to read it!

Welcome to Sober Recovery, sister.

You're not alone.
Not any more.

We're here to offer any support we can.

[barb dwyer]

Your post brought back some very VERY vivid emotions

I remember the pain and anger so vivdly at your post.

[JustMe238]

Thanks all, no I did not know at all. He did smoke pot before, so I thought he was acting sleepy because he did that. Not that pot isnt a problem, but its a heck of a lot easier to deal with and less addictive than this. I found his stash of needles and one of our expensive real silver spoons from our wedding all bent and burnt up. I was shaking so bad and had to call one of his friends to confirm that this was real (friend that does not use heroin, but wouldve heard my husband talk about it).

LOL barb dwyer, I am mad because he expects me to take care of him now that I know. He was doing a great job of pretending before and still giving me money for bills.

[Amazonqueen522]

Welcome to SR,

If you need to chat I'm here for you,


:praying for you

[hope213]

welcome to S.R. i know this is a shock to you. keep coming back,read around & know there is alot of support here for you. you can not do anything to help him get off the drug. find a meeting to go to & work your recovery. it is a long hard road with an addict. i really hope he goes into a program & gets help. my prayers are for you & him both,

[Impurrfect]

Welcome to SR!!

I'm a recovering addict (crack) AND a recovering codie (codependent). For me, the 2 are greatly intertwined...I would get so stressed about not being able to fix someone else or control a situation with a friend or boyfriend, that after years of doing that I wanted to get numb.

That being said, the only person who can do anything about his problems is HIM. You can only work on you. I also have loved ones who are addicts, and being on THIS side of the fence is quite a bit different.

I'm glad you're here. I hope you keep reading and posting. Weekends are usually a little bit slower, but there are some great and supportive people with a lot of ES&H (experience, strength and hope).

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[bluejay6]

Welcome, JustMe, you are in the right place. You have some very heavy burdens right now.

Stay in touch here for support as you need it, for you will be faced with setting some difficult boundaries and it will be hard and confusing unless you have contact with recovering people to help you stay in reality and clarity.

His going home to mama instead of going to meetings or seeking rehab with determination....worries me. Your feeling that he is the only one who gets to decide whether he leaves on Tuesday worries me (he is a drug addict and you do have a legitimate say about whether he stays or goes).

Just keep reading, talking, seeking experience and strength from people who have been where you are, and things are going to get better for you.

You do not need to be alone with this.

[SHAMAN]

Welcome, Just Me!

I became aware of what was effecting my life in a similar fashion. As my relationship was ending, I was able to discover some things that explained ALL the unmanageability I had been living with. Regardless of what I'd been led to believe, and sadly had actually almost began to believe, 2+2 does not equal 5. It has always equaled 4... even when living with someone who will argue otherwise for long enough.

It's beyond difficult or manageable to make quality, individual decisions when being offered only a fraction of 'all the information' required to make those decisions. As individuals, I believe we're entitled to honesty in relationships, yet I realize that's not what we get in being in relationship with individuals who aren't capable of honesty. I know I felt amazingly duped having made emotional, spiritual, and financial decisions based upon the context of a relationship and, knowing what I know now, the lack of full disclosure from my partner.

I hope you possess some relief in knowing you now have enough information to make decisions for you, founded in truth.

Nothing wrong in feeling what we feel, it's what we do with those feelings that dictates the quality of OUR life.

Many Blessings,
Shaman