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Old 04-03-2009, 12:32 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Master Manipulator

Hey everyone,
Just my daily update. As most you know, I am a mom of a 19 year old addict. I have been searching this site for answers to why??? I have been close to the point of a break down with this. Most of you have been kind and helpful, helping me give him the ultimatum and dealing with the loss. Well, I want to thank all of you for your support and Prayers but I think I have finally found what i have been searching for. This came thru someone named "nytepassion". All this time, i have been taking personal responsibility for this addiction. My son, the master manipulator, is good. Nytepasion is a former addict and could be my son's twin. If you can access yesterday's post, please do, this is well worth reading. She claims addicts are Punishers, liars and manipulators. When i finally arrived home last night, my husband was cooking dinner and i told him i had a letter i wanted him to listen to. My husband has been adamant about not seeking help with this and will not discuss any of this situation with anyone. But he actually stopped and not only listened, but broke down. He claimed he was going to search for him today, but after reading this, he now understands. This post was so moving and perfect and described in detail what my son, the punisher is doing. We made him leave, actually he was given a choice, but in his mind, we thru him out. My son, the opportunist has indeed planted his butt in our home free of charge, a car to drive, 3 square meals, hot showers and NO BILLS. The master Manipulator has for over a year, manipulated us into providing him with the perfect addict's den, and we have let him.
So, all of you, i want to thank you again, but i now know what i need to do. I refuse to be manipulated by him any more. Yes, I am still worried, yes, he still has not contacted us, but he will no longer punish us. I will however continue to love him, but i will not look for him, and our stand will be firm.
I will also have to rely on how he was raised and brought up. We have taught him all the skills needed to grow up and become a responsible adult. If he chooses not to be, then that is his choice, not mine. All of his life, before now, his strength and inner soul has been such a joy to everyone he has ever met. My admiration of him, throughout growing up, and he did face some hard challenges, were never wavering. He plowed thru them with determination and dignity, and always had an encouraging word for everyone, and a smile. This is what i will carry with me over the next few months.
On my way to work this morning, Billy Joel's song "My life" came on. Immediately went to change the station, old song. Anyway something made me stop and really listen to the words to this song i have heard a thousand times before. I sat there and realized, this is my sign from him. He is still with me.
I hope everyone has a great weekend. I slept the entire night last night, and fully intend to enjoy mine.
Susan:ghug
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Old 04-03-2009, 01:24 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Susan, Just want you to know "Passion" has always helped me with her wisdom. I am so glad that both you & your husband now understand that this is what addicts do, they manipulate, and they are SO GOOD at it.

What a difference a good nights sleep is

Hang in there, and focus on the two of you.

Hugs,
Chris
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Old 04-03-2009, 02:03 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Susan,
I am so glad your having a good day. I am also glad you understand what is happening, but remember it is a roller coaster ride with up days and down. For myself most days I get it, then all of a sudden I am back to square one, questioning everything I am doing. Letting go of our children is very hard, but we do it with the hope one day they will return ready to change. I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Julie
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Old 04-03-2009, 02:19 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Thanks myJoey,
I realize this, and this afternoon, i am wavering again. I just have to believe in my heart he is ok.
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Old 04-03-2009, 02:57 PM   #5 (permalink)
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dslalonde,

If you'd like I will send you my phone number ... We can talk and I will do my best to help you understand the mind of an addict.

Let me know and I'll PM it to you

Inhale - Exhale and Just Breath

Hugs,
Passion
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Old 04-03-2009, 04:13 PM   #6 (permalink)
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(((dslalonde)))

Just wanted to send Mom hugs- my son is "out there," right now too. I completely feel your pain and fears. I'm thankful for my Nar-anon group for keeping me sane.

Stay strong,
AquaBlue
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Old 04-03-2009, 04:26 PM   #7 (permalink)
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dslalonde

I tried to respond to your last PM, but your mailbox is full. Let me know when you've cleared it out and I will send my number
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Old 04-03-2009, 05:42 PM   #8 (permalink)
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My son has been missing for close to 5 years and people say "why don't you look for him?" My response (knowing he is lost in his addiction) is..."and if I find him, then what?" If he is clean, he knows how to find us.

I tried for years to save him. I thought if we gave him a safe loving home, nourishing food and lots of love, it might save him. I learned that all the love in the world cannot save them if they aren't ready. If it could, not one of us would be here.

It took many cycles of throwing him out and then letting him back, and each time turning our house into chaos and watching him steal endlessly from us, for us to finally say "enough".

Today I say a prayer each morning, asking God to take care of him, and then I live my day in peace and happiness, knowing he is in good hands.

If you and your husband have not yet been to an Alanon, Naranon or CoDA meeting, please give whatever is close to you a try. You have nothing to lose and your whole life to gain. I know because live meetings saved my life...literally.

Hugs
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Old 04-03-2009, 06:45 PM   #9 (permalink)
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i printed out nyte's reply to you yesterday....she helped a LOT of us.
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Old 04-03-2009, 11:44 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I'm familiar with that whole manipulation around 'throwing them out'. When we realized my AD was using and stealing from us, we had her sign a written agreement. She agreed in writing that if she stole anything at all again, she would be asked to leave. 2 weeks later, $2500 worth of DVD's and CD's gone. Out she went, but spent the next year telling everyone and anyone who would listen how we did her wrong. How we starved her, how we abused, you name it.... :wtf2

They really are something. young "adults" are mostly self-centered sociopaths to begin with, then when you add drugs and... you can't make this stuff up!!

But that doesn't mean I don't pray every day, a few times a day, for my child to be protected from severe harm, and to stay in touch with me.
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Old 04-04-2009, 05:49 AM   #11 (permalink)
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You've made a huge step here - your starting to accept and detach yourself from HIS problems. We never stop caring, praying, or hoping but we can remove ourselves from being in the direct line of fire of the addicts abuse.
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